The Lionel Hutz File

This page is dedicated to the memory of Phil Hartman (1948-1998) & Sir Lionel Luckhoo (1918-1997)

/ The Hutz File V5.0  \_________________________________________
Maintained by Haynes Lee (                       |
First compiled June 19, 1995                                     |
Date of final revision December 17, 2002                         |
If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.           |
Can you imagine a world without lawyers?                         |
     -Lionel Hutz, "Marge In Chains"                             |
  1. Personal
  2. Professional
  3. Case History
  4. Who Is This Other Lawyer?
  6. Trading Card
  7. Simpsons Illustrated
  8. Bongo Comics
  9. Simpsons Books
  10. Collector's Figure

CONTRIBUTORS: Dave Hall (appearances), Sherry Hale (law schools), Jordan Lewis (dream team), Paul Jamie Cowan (trading card), Steve Odabashian (quotes), Carol Fipp (Lionel Hutz contract), Victar <> (appearances, quotes, Simspons Illustrated, Bongo, Card, Bart's Guide to Life, Simpsons Calander, etc.), Gene Hayes (legal references format), Adam Baker (Dr. Falk), (After Dark), Digital Puer (alias).


1. Personal

1. Who is Lionel Hutz?
Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sánchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk, is an unscrupulous ambulance-chasing "law talking guy" hired by the less affluent citizens of Springfield, mainly the Simpson family.

Note on the alias "Dr. Nguyen Van Falk" (as spelled in the closed captioning). UCLA Law Student Adam Baker says "Thoc" is a Vietnamese name while "Falk" is not, and thus his alias would be entirely Vietnamese (and entirely without credibility). Also "Nguyen" is mispronounced as "noo-yen" which can be taken as "Noonien", like from two Star Trek episodes: Khan Noonien Singh and Noonien Soong (Data's creator).

1.2 Lionel Hutz and Troy McClure sound alike. Are they related?
No, both of their voices were done by the late Phil Hartman.

1.3 Where does Lionel Hutz live?
The YMCA. [1F03]

1.4 Is Lionel Hutz married?
No, he's a moocher girls. [1F20]
Was married to Selma??!! [3F20]

1.5 Who is Lionel Hutz named after?
Lionel Hutz is named after Sir Lionel Luckhoo, Q.C., the senior partner of Luckhoo & Luckhoo, in Georgetown, Guyana, who succeeded in getting 245 successive murder charge acquittals between 1940 and 1985 (which contrasts with Hutz's career who "has never won a case"). The Guinness Book of Records lists Luckhoo under the category "most successful lawyer".

Hutz's first episode [7F10] was written by John Swartzwelder who also wrote and appeared as one of Hutz's surprise witnesses in [3F16].

Lastly, the name Hutz is German.

2. Professional

2.1 Where did Lionel Hutz go to school?
Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre. (Hint: MIT is renown for its science programs but does not have a law school. The Louvre is a museum in Paris, France (that's where the Mona Lisa is kept), and not a law school by any means. Sorbonne is a university in Paris, France. However, it does have a law school. IMHO Hutz got his law degree from a diploma mill. [7F10]

2.2 What happened to his law career?
It got "shattered" by his drinking problem. [9F05,9F20].

2.3 Where is Lionel Hutz's law office?
It is called "I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm™" in the Springfield Shopping Mall [9F05,9F06]. It was once a telephone booth [1F07]. His sponge card tells us to dial KLondike 5-LAWW and that he's been clogging our courts since 1974 [7F10]. Bongo #13 has his office at suite #210.

2.4 What else does Lionel Hutz do on the side?
Prosecutor [2F02], court appointed attorney [8F03], babysitter [1F03], shoe repair [1F16], substitute teacher [2F19], dumpster diving [1F03,2F21], acting [8F18], mooching [1F20], champion golf player [Bongo #13], spent last 20 years trying to solve the Rubik's Cube [Bongo #13]. Now sell real-estate. [5F06]

Also, in [1F16] ("Burns' Heir") Lionel Hutz can be seen clustering around Burns' front door with the rest of the mob after Bart removed Burns' "No Soliciting" sign. It's a very brief, top-down perspective scene, but you can recognize his blue suit and brownish haircut. Of course Lionel's main role the story comes later on... ("We really should stop hiring him" :).

2.3 How does he promote himself.
A business card that turns into a sponge [7F10]. A pen that looks like a cigar [7F17]. A drawer full of smoking monkeys [9F20]. His Yellow Page™ advertisement says

!"Cases won in 30 minutes or your pizza's free" [1F04, 3F31]

2.4 How does he get clients?
Mainly by popping up out of nowhere at the appropriate time. Also chases ambulances [7F10], retains fellow prisoners while in jail [9F14].

2.5 Does he have a secretary?
Her name is Della (as in Perry Mason) and she appears only once in Hutz's first episode [7F10].

2.6 Did Hutz ever win any case?
His business says that he has never won a case. However, he did win an out-of-court settlement [9F06]. Hutz also won the Bart's lawsuit against Krusty's Krusty O's cereal. However, he used the help of O.J. Simpson's (no relation) Dream-Team. [2F32]. Hutz also won a $800 billion dollar judgement in Lampwick v. Meyers in [3F16].

2.7 What color is his hair?
In the episodes and Bongo comics his hair color is brown. However, it is light grey on his trading card and mug shot in the Suspect Profiles at the "Who Shot Burns" web-site at (In Bongo #13 and #15 his hair is light grey). The main difference is that Matt Groening is the artist who colors his hair white [?].

2.8 How many drinks does Lionel Hutz rate in the Simpsons drinking game?

2.9 Why does Hutz comb his hair with a fork? [1F04]
Because he keeps losing his regular comb. A fork is the only common utensil readily available to use as a comb.

2.10 What were the odds for Hutz shooting Burns?
Odds for Hutz was 150:1 or #23 on the list (Dr. Nick Rivieara is #24) on "Springfield's Most Wanted". The now defunct Suspects Profiles that was at <> said Hutz's motive that was he was resented the fact that the affluent Burns never procured his legal services.

2.11 Was Hutz married to Selma??!!
In [3F20] her name is Selma Bouvier-Terwilliger-Hutz-McClure. Which means she married Hutz between Sideshow Bob [8F20] and Troy McClure [3F15] when her name was Selma Bouvier-Terwilliger. Patty has met Hutz in the reading of her Aunt Gladys' will in [9F11]. Selma also has the hobby of filing nuisance lawsuits in [8F20], the type of case Hutz handles. A likely troll by the Simpsons writers.

3. Case History

Rating system:
  • 0H No appearance.
  • ¼H No appearance. Name not mentioned.
  • ½H No appearance. Only name appears.
  • H Poor Hutz. Seen once. No speaking part.
  • HH So-so Hutz. Seen once. Says one or two lines.
  • HHH Average Hutz. Could have done better/worse.
  • HHHH Classic Hutz. Screws up majorly.
  • [7G12] HH Defended Krusty (proto-Hutz?).
  • [7F10] HHHH Represents Homer when he sues Mr. Burns for $1,000,000 for running over Bart.
  • [7F17] HH Executor of Bea Simmons' estate.
  • [7F23] H Seen in crowd at Flanders' Leftorium.
  • [8F03] HHH Defends Bart on murder charges in the disappearance of Principal Skinner.
  • [8F08] HHH Homer consults Hutz about copyrighting the "Flaming Homer" drink.
  • [8F18] HH Plays Mitch in the play "A Streetcar Named Desire".
  • [9F05] HHHH Represents Marge in her sexual harassment case against Mr. Burns.
  • [9F06] HHHH Represents Homer in his All-You-Can-Eat lawsuit against Captain McAllister's seafood restaurant.
  • [9F10] H Fellow Monorail passenger.
  • [9F11] HHH Executor of Marge's aunt Gladys Bouvier's estate.
  • [9F14] HHH Offers to represent Homer when he was thrown in jail for drunk driving. The problem was that Hutz is in the accompanying cell.
  • [9F20] HHHH Defends Marge for shoplifting a bottle of bourbon from Apu's Quickie Mart.
  • [1F01] H Part of mob.
  • [1F03] HHHH While going through Homer's garbage Hutz proffers his babysitting services as a highly skilled attorney.
  • [1F04] HHHH Represents Homer against the Devil when he signed a contract selling his soul for a donut.
  • [1F05] H One of the people out for Bart.
  • [1F07] HH When Homer is in telephone booth Hutz walks up to the tipped booth and says "Hey, you! Get out of my office!"
  • [1F09] H One of the people at the Retirement Castle.
  • [1F16] HHH Represented Homer and Marge when they fought Mr. Burns for custody of Bart.
  • [1F19] HHH Represents foreign waiter in assault charge against Quimby's nephew over the "chowder" incident.
  • [1F20] HH Attends Homer's class "Secrets of a Successful Marriage. Picks up Mrs. Krabappel.
  • [2F02] HH Prosecutes Sideshow Bob.
  • [2F09] H Seen behind Homer at poker game at the Stonecutters [?].
  • [2F16] H Seen at town hall meeting [?].
  • [2F17] HH Offers to be Milhouse's agent.
  • [2F19] ¼H Hutz's name appears on Bart's list of victimized substitute teachers.
  • [2F20] ½H Hutz's name appears in DNA file.
  • [2F21] HHH Marge the cop catches Hutz rummaging through dumpster beside legal clinic. Afterwards Hutz sets fire to its contents.
  • [2F32] HHH Represents Bart when he sues the Krusty O. Cereal Corp. for $100,000 when a metal fragment in their cereal gives him appendicitis.
  • [3F13] ½H Seen in crowd [?].
  • [3F16] HHH Represented Bart's bum in copyright case.
  • [3F18] H Gave Lisa legal advice about gum in hair.
  • [3F20] H Seen in crowd. Also was married to Selma??!!
  • [3F23] ¼H Marge says Bart's lawyer (Hutz) is in Springfield.
  • [3F31] HHH Never-seen-before outtake from [1F04] shows Hutz delivering a free pizza at the end of the trial because he lost the case.
  • [4F05] H Blue-haired Hutz seen in crowd.
  • [4F06] H Seen shooting craps and in audience at burlesque house.
  • [4F07] H First one into Quickie Mart during riot.
  • [4F12] H Seen in audition lineup for Poochie.
  • [4F14] H Seen in prison reception room.
  • [4F18] H Seen in church congregation??!!
  • [4F23] H Seen in crowd.
  • [5F05] HHH Gave legal advice on ownership of angel skeleton.
    Defended Lisa for destroying angel skeleton.
  • [5F06] HHHH Real-estate salesman. (last major appearance)
  • [5F09] H Seen in town hall meeting.
  • [5F14] H Seen at New Year's celebrations.
  • [5F17] H Seen at bus stop. (last minor appearance)
  • [5F23] H Tried to sneak out of Movementarian film.
With the death of Phil Hartman, Matt Groening says to the Chicago Sun-Times on the fate of Lionel Hutz and Troy McClure "We will retire them with great honor... We may have them appear in the background of scenes. But I can't imagine us continuing with those characters."

4. Who Is This Other Lawyer?

The "Pastey-faced Lawyer" is the nasal anal-retentive lawyer who is retained by Mr. Burns and other corporate clientele. Also is the prosecutor or district attorney.
  • [7F01] One of Mr. Burn's lawyers.
  • [7F10] Represents Mr. Burns in Homer v. Burns.
  • [7F11] Burns' lawyer.
  • [8F02] At a background table of the snooty restaurant the Simpsons visit.
  • [8F03] Prosecutes Bart for murder.
  • [8F23] Advised Burns on how to compensate Homer for his sterility.
  • [9F02] Serves Principal Skinner notice for copyright infringement for using Disney phrase without authorization.
  • [9F05] Burns' lawyer.
  • [9F06] Represents Captain McAllister in the All-You-Can-Eat lawsuit
  • [9F20] Prosecutes Marge for shoplifting
  • [9F22] Sideshow Bob's parole hearing.
  • [1F16] Burns' lawyer.
  • [1F21] Serves Granpa notice twice for unauthorized use of the estates of Charlie Chaplin and Jim Durante.
  • [2F02] At Republican meeting.
  • [3F16] Represented Roger Meyers Jr. in copyright case.
  • [3F23] Seen waving good-bye to Simpsons.
  • [4F10] Seen at Burns' mountain retreat.
  • [4F12] Roger Meyers Jr.'s lawyer. Drawn up papers declaring Poochie legally dead.
  • [5F05] Prosecuted Lisa for destroying angel skeleton.
  • [5F23] Lawyer for the Movementarians. Sues everyone.
  • Bongo #32: Served Krusty lawsuit papers.
  • Bongo #39: Represented Mr. Burns before health commission.

4.1 What is the "lawyer bird" mentioned in [8F15]?

A sandpiper-type bird called the avocet (avocat being French for lawyer or advocate).
... from which its perpetual clamour and flippancy of tongue, is called by the inhabitants of Cape May, the Lawyer.
(Dictionery of Americanisms, 1813)
On the New Jersey coast, it is sometimes called the lawyer, on account of its long bill.
(Dictionery of Americanisms, 1896)


Hutz: Hutz is the name Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.


KLondike 5-LAWW

Business card

Hutz: I will like to talk to you about bringing legal action to the fiend who did this to your boy.
Homer: Well the fiend who did this to my boy is my boss. Besides, the doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe, nothing serious.
Hutz: Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots! There is no telling what type of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot for the rest of his natural life. That's the down side. Now here is the good part. You can ching ching ching cash in on this tragedy.
Homer: Wow.

Hutz: Any calls Della?
Della: Calls? Oh calls. The Supreme Court called again.
Hutz: Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them.

#Della: The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing.

Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!

Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.

You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace, a $99 value, as our gift to you.

Wrong!!! You are not fine! You are in terrible pain!

Yeah, but what is truth? If you follow me.

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Now that's believable testimony.

Opposing Counsel: What is your opinion of him?
Marge: Hmmm... I'm sorry. My mother always said if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.
Homer: Will that hold up in court?
Hutz: No, I've tried it before.

Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something!

Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

Judge: Case dismissed!
Hutz: Your Honor... Do I still get paid?

Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: [whines] Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!

Hutz: Mrs Simpson, your sexual harassment case is just what I need to rebuild my shattered career! Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
Marge: But it's 9:30 in the morning!
Hutz: Yeah but... I haven't slept in days. [glug, glug] Last chance! [glug, glug] Ohh yeah!

Hutz: Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long.
Burns: Yes. But I have ten high-priced lawyers.
Hutz: Ya, ya, yaaa!!! [runs out of office]
Homer: He left his briefcase. Hey, it's full of shredded newspaper.

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woo hoo!

# Captain: 'Twas a moonless night, dark as pitch, when out the mist
# came a beast more stomach than man.
# Homer: Hey!
# Captain: So I says to my [?] "Batten down the mizzenmast, mates".
Hutz: Captain McAllister, isn't it a fact that you're not a real captain?
Captain: [in shame] Aye.

Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate. She left a video-will so I earn my fee simply by pressing the "play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?

Late Ms. Bouvier [video-will]: Now let's get down to business...
Hutz [voice dubbed in]: To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: Mr. Hutz!!!
Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would.

Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here. Surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. The judge won't know what hit him.
Guard: Pipe down in there Hutz!

Hutz: Now Marge, you've come to the right place. By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey.
[sniff] Better cut down there, Smokey! [laughs]
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Hutz: [excited] Look - he's taking another puff!
Marge: Mr. Hutz! This was all a misunderstanding; I didn't mean to take anything. [Lionel disappointedly drops the smoking monkey in a drawer full of identical critters]
Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace `accidently' with `repeatedly', and replace `dog' with `son'.

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Who do you find more attractive. Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson?
Judge: What is the point of all this?
Prosecutor: Your Honor, I'm so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt, that I can waste the court's time rating the superhunks.
Hutz: Ooohh. He's gonna' win.
Marge: Mr. Hutz!

Now Apu, Mrs. Simpsons claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle of... delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What's that? You want me to drink you? I'm in the middle of a trial.

Hutz: Now Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name.
Have you ever forgotten anything?
Apu: No. In fact I can recite pi to 40,000 places.
And the last digit is 1.
Homer: Mmm... pie.
Hutz: Well if you never forget anything. Tell me this. What color tie am I wearing? [turns around]
Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in a half-windsor knot.
Hutz: Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well if that's what you think, I have something to tell you [ugh]. Something which may shock and discredit you [ugh]. And that thing is as follows [as he finally undoes the whole tie]. I'm not wearing a tie at all. [jury gasps]
Apu: If I am wrong about that. Maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson.
Hutz: No further questions. [Hutz raises his arm and the tie is sticking out of his sleeve]

Hutz: Kids, I have a crazy feeling your mother's not going to prison.
Bart & Lisa: Yay!
Lisa: You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow!
Hutz: Uh...wasn't he the black guy on The Mod Squad?
Bart: Mr. Hutz when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.
Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
[Hutz imagines a scene of people of all nationalities (plus Elvis) holding hands and dancing around in a circle under a rainbow]
Hutz: Argh.

Hutz: And so, ladies and gentleman of the jury I rest my case.
Judge: Hmmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know that you're not wearing any pants?
Hutz: DAAAA!! I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Right!! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy.
Judge: You mean the lawyer?
Hutz: Right.

Judge: The foreman will pass the verdict to the bailiff.
[Hutz hands him something]
Judge: This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin. And it still says guilty. And guilty is spelled wrong.
Hutz: Eep.
Judge: Will the foreman please read the real verdict.
Foreman: We find the defendant guilty.
Judge: Marge Simpson, I sentence you to thirty days in prison.
Bailiff: Next case, The National Council of Churches v. Lionel Hutz.
Hutz: Oh yeah, that thing.

Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
Homer: Done!
Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.

# Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have
# secretaries. Look at him! He's wearing a belt.
# [wistfully] That's Hollywood for ya.

Don't touch my stuff! Hey, this isn't the YMCA...

Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all of your personal papers?
Hutz: As of now, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

Marge: Homer! Are you all right?
Homer: [meekly] No.
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Hutz: First some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.
Evil Flanders: Agreed. Number two, the jury will be chosen by me.
Hutz: Agreed. [realizing] No, wait --
Evil Flanders: Silence!

That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable! Excuse me, I must use the restroom.

! Hutz: I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
! Marge: But we did win.
! Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.

Hutz: Well, you good folks can rest easy now because you've come to the very best in legal representation.
Skinner: Uh, excuse me, is there an Orange Julius stand on this floor?
Hutz: I'll sell you this one, it's almost full.
Skinner: Well, why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl.
Hutz: He'll be back. And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in this state -- often as a lawyer. [drinks his Orange Julius]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty.

Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge: You rest your case?
Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. CASE CLOSED.

My problem is I'm a real user of women. I move in right away and stay until the money's gone.

Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
Sideshow Bob: No, I did not.
Hutz: [pause] Kids, help.
[the judge shrugs]

I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.

Milhouse baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer..., er keeper awayer.

Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers: Ronald Shaporo, trial attorney, Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth.

Hutz: All right gentleman. I will take your case. But I will require a thousand dollar retainer.
Bart: A thousand dollars. But your ad says "no money down".
Hutz: Oh, they got this all screwed up. [corrects ad with felt-marker]
Bart: So you don't work on a contingency basis?
Hutz: No, money down. Oops, I shouldn't have the Bar Association logo here either. [Hutz eats ad]
|       LIONEL HUTZ          |
|--------------------------- |
|                       ESQ. |
|                            |
|        WORKS ON            |
|      CONTINGENCY?          |
|                            |
|     NO, MONEY DOWN!        |
|                            |
|             /              |
|           / -|-            |
|         / |                |
|        -|-|                |
|         -----              |
|       PHONE 555- /----------

Hutz's edited ad

#Hutz: Now Mr. Lampwick. When Rogers Meyers stole your character...
#Attorney: Objection.
#Judge: Sustained.
#Hutz: Ugh. If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today I think I am going to scream.
#Attorney: Objection.
#Judge: Sustained.
#Hutz: Argh!

Judge: Mr. Hutz w've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all?
Hutz: Well, Your Honor. We've plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.

Bart: Keep the trial open. I'll be right back.
Hutz: Your Honor, I'd like to call all of my surpise witnesses again. [crowd groaning]

The Surprise Witnesses:

  • Man with a dummy
  • Santa Claus with a broken leg on crutches
  • John Swartzwelder (Simpsons Andre-like animator)
  • Ralph Wiggum
  • the McCrary twins, on their motorcycles

Leave the gum in. Bazooka Joe's got big pockets.

It's a thorny legal issue, all right.
I'll need to refer to the case of Finders v. Keepers.

 Red              /  \
 -----------------|  |
 Blazer Realty       |---

        Lionel Hutz
      "You'll Go Nuts
      For Lionel's Huts!"

You see, the law business was a little slow and since most of my clients end up losing their houses this [selling real-estate] is a natural move for me, Yes, the money is good. But the beauty of it is you get to stay in the house until it's sold.

But there's the truth... and the truth.

Hutz: "Your Honor, Lisa Simpson is a charming, hard-working young girl..." "Objection--prejudicial. Allow me to restate... Lisa Simpson is an unrepentant thief of my client's creativity!"
"I object! He's badgering my client."
"Back off, slim--you're way out of your league."
Lisa: "Excuse me, Your Honor? I'd like to fire him."
Judge: "Good move."

Phil Hartman interviewed in Las Vegas Sun on (May 28, 1998) two weeks before death

The Movie Guys: Was Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer based on special prosecutor Kenneth Starr?

Phil: (laughs) Could've been. Frozen Caveman Lawyer has the same voice as Lionel Hutz, Ambulance Chasing Attorney. (Phil goes into the voice of Lionel Hutz) "Mrs. Simpson, I think your son could be seriously injured. I'd like to take him to a chiropractic specialist by the name of Dr. Nick Riviera, who might find soft-tissue damage that your physician might be unaware of." (laughs) Now, the same voice says; "I'm just a caveman who fell through some ice and was later thawed by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me." (laughs)

6. Trading Card

Courtesy of Paul Jamie Cowan <>

*** Front of card: ***
 A nice, basic pose of our main man. He is standing, arms by his
 side, in a light blue suit, with a dark purple (deep purple, even?)
 tie (NOT a red-and-white club tie). The background is purple,
 with little light purple legal scales all over it. 'LIONEL HUTZ' is
 written in yellow at the top. Hutz is saying, via speech-bubble:
 There is a little inset picture of a fork with hair between the tines,
 surrounded by the text :
      Combs his hair with a fork.'

*** Back of card: ***

|S31/                           LIONEL HUTZ                               |
|  /          Alleged attorney/I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm            |
| /                                                                       |
|/  Turn-on:  The siren call of the ambulance.                            |
|   Turn-off: All that complicated legal gobbledygook.                    |
|                                                                         |
|   Bio: Lionel Hutz got his degree from the Hey Diddle Diddle Day        |
|   Care Center at one of their rummage sales. A specialist in the art    |
|   of "enhanced" testimony, Lionel has a showboating manner and          |
|   flair for the dramatic that have never failed to stun judge and       |
|   jury alike. A great believer in surprise witnesses, Hutz once called  |
|   Abe Lincoln to the stand, put on a stovepipe hat, and tried to        |
|   cross-examine himself. Despite his unorthodox methods, Hutz has       |
|   never won a case. In fact, during one notable trial he managed        |
|   to plea bargain a client's parking ticket into the death penalty.     |

|                                                                         |
|   Slogan: "Clogging the courts since 1976."                             |
|   Secret shame: Thinks the American Bar                                 |
|   Association is a drinking society.                                    |
|                                                                 COMICS  |
| SkyBox                                                         *BONGO*  |
| International (TM)                                              GROUP   |

6.1 Other Cards

Here's two more references to Lionel in the Simpsons trading cards (first series)

Excerpt from the back of Princess Kashmir card (#S24)

"Princess Kashmir is a serious actress just waiting for a break... She most recently appeared as a 'passing motorist' in a whiplash claim litigated by Lionel Hutz."

Excerpt from the back of Dr. Nick Riviera card (#S37)

"...In addition to his famous cut-rate surgical practice (any operation for $129.95), Dr. Nick frequently appears as an expert witness in attorney Lionel Hutz's many malpractice lawsuits. In a recent case, Dr. Nick testified on behalf of several ice hockey players who sued the city of Springfield for mental anguish they suffered when they fell on ice that was allegedly 'overly slippery.'"

7. Simpsons Illustrated

-Placed ad in pullout copy of the Springfield Shopper. Premier issue (Spring 1991)

[Lionel's ad begins]

*Extremely Legitimate Attorney at Law*

If you've been in an accident and _it wasn't your fault_...

If you've been hit by someone carrying a baseball bat or stabbed by someone carrying a knife ..._it wasn't your fault_

If someone called you a cussword in front of your wife and children...

If your grandmother has disowned you...

If whatever happened to you



(We merely take 50% of the judgment)

Why wait? Sue 'em today!!

Telephone: 555-1221

Lionel Hutz got me $12,500

-Harry "Winks" Winkler

"Calling us could be like winning the STATE LOTTERY!"

[Lionel's ad ends]

A spotlight article on Harry "Winks" Winkler tells us that the $12,500 was settlement money, which Winkler got from SNPP over an accident involving a whipped-cocoa machine.

-There's a Lionel mini-appearance in the Winter 1993 issue of Simpsons Illustrated. p. 35 has a "Name that Toon" quiz; Lionel is toon #19. His sketchy picture has him in a full-forward pose, instead of the three-quarters pose in which Springfieldians are usually seen.

8. Bongo Comics

-Prepared contract for Krusty for Flanders to sign in Krusty #1.

[Beginning of Contract]
This agreement is made and entered by the parties signed below, none of whom are crazy, deranged, or in any way, having in their possession a screw loose, proverbially or otherwise. The aforesaid agreement, of which these words are a part, states that you, Ned Flanders, hereinafter referred to with no malice aforethought as the "Junior Camper Guy," by me, the "Lawyer Guy," who may hereinafter be referred to, but not prosecuted in any way, for trespassing or any other criminal or civil complaint arising from the Lawyer Guy's actions or the actions of the Lawyer Guy's past, present, or future aliases, without regard to their actual guilt or the appeals of irate bystanders, do transfer to Herschel Krustofski, otherwise known as Krusty The Clown, alias the Clown Prince Of Comedy, sometimes called "Sugar" by Miss Pennycandy, available for luncheon and speaking engagements for a reasonable fee (a separate dressing room with the full complement of seltzer bottles and cream pies being the responsibility of the host), who shall hereinafter be referred to as the "Splinter Guy" the rights, title, and interest, without limitation, of and to the property known as "Trustyland," hereinafter never referred to again in this document, now and for all time in perpetuity, and that you, Junior Camper Guy, shall not disturb, harass, agitate, worry, disarrange, confuse, unsettle, bandy words with, annoy, vex, tease, irritate, or bug the Splinter Guy about said property, but shall be cool, in exchange for which, the Splinter Guy will not bug you, the Junior Camper Guy, about the splinter, now or at any time anywhere in the universe, including quarks, those weird black holes, alternate dimensions, and anything else anywhere else that might be of any conceivable benefit to you, whether or not you could possibly conceive of such a thing. The Splinter Guy and the Lawyer Guy shall be the ultimate arbiters of everything concerning the Junior Camper Guy will acquiesce, and be run roughshod over by these parties and like it. No tag-backs. Signed

[End of Contract]

  • Offered to negotiate media rights for colossal Homer in #1.
  • Represented both plaintiff and defendant (Lisa and Troy McClure) in copyright infringement suit (#9).
  • Bart and Milhouse consult Hutz when Boffo Comics steals their comic book idea (#13).
  • Dr. Nick Riviera's "highly trained expert" who will "adjust your paperwork so that insurance covers everything" (#15).
  • Television show "Lionel Hutz's: 10 Ways Around a Polygraph" number 3 for week 9 with rating 4.9 (#29).
  • Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law explains "How To Sue Your Mom For Throwing Out All Your Old Comics" (#31).
  • Investment advisor for Gary, Doug and Benjamin (the nerds) (#36).
  • In a final tribute to Phil Hartman, Matt Groening writes "If a script ever dragged, we could throw in a Lionel Hutz scene and everything will perk right up" (#37).

9. Simpsons Books

9.1 Bart's Guide to Life

p.89 Lionel and four other male attorneys (including the nasal pasty-faced lawyer with glasses, though his skin is notably more yellow than usual) illustrate the vocabulary-enriching phrase, "a prey of lawyers." They all look at you with half-closed, sardonic eyes and evil sneers. A bald lawyer carries a sheaf of papers. The pasty-faced lawyer has a briefcase. Lionel offers the bill.

pp.134-135 Lionel's two-page spread advertisement:

[begin Lionel's ad]
Exhausted by the old 9 to 5 grind? Tired of gambling week after week on lotteries and coming up a loser? Embezzlement too risky? Bank robbery too dangerous? Blackmail too unsavory? Then call

$$$$ Lionel Hutz's COLLEGE OF LITIGATION $$$$$

As seen on TV!
Our motto: Don't wait, litigate!

[picture of Barney Gumble with five rows of stitches on his face] "I've made thousands thanks to Lionel Hutz's malpractice training! If he did it for me, he can do it for you!"

[picture of Lionel in a purple suit with green tie] "We put the 'fortune' in your misfortune!"

Learn How To:

  • SCREAM in pain!
  • WRITHE in agony!
  • MOAN with discomfort!
  • WEEP pathetically!
  • LIE convincingly!

[picture of blindfolded Justice, with scales and white cane]

CHOOSE from our distinguished staff of expert witnesses!

  • "Off-duty security guard"!
  • "Passing motorist"!
  • "Fellow worker"!
  • "Respected doctor"!
They'll memorize your dossier and give you all the credibility you need!

[picture of Dr. Nick with light brown hair] Dr. Nick Riviera, our on-staff "physician" and one of our many expert witnesses!


  • How to apply a neckbrace!
  • Wheelchairs: basic steering techniques!
  • Head bandages: Maximum results--minimum fuss
  • Crutches: not just a crutch anymore!

Our seminars often feature real courtroom-like settings! Practice telling you story to an actor who looks JUST LIKE A REAL JUDGE! Consult with me--Lionel Hutz--in a setting that looks exactly LIKE A REAL ATTORNEY'S OFFICE!

[picture of guy on crutches] Yes! we offer [arrow pointing down] ADVANCED COURSES

  • How to slip and fall on cue
  • How to back up really fast on a freeway
  • The art of the limp
  • How to fake your own death

[picture of guy getting run over by a motorist in a red car]

YES! CALL NOW! Operators are standing by.
KL5-SUEE (the extra "E" is for our extra fee!)

We speak Urdu, Zande, Tho, Tulu, Dogri, Edo, Tongan, Min, Sango, Kongo, Dong, Fon, Nung, Hindi, Ho, Gago, Fula, Fang-bulu, Farsi, Byelorussian, Bemba, Uzbek, Wu, Yi, Yao, Tatar, Esperanto, Luba-lulua, Oppish, Punjabi, Tagalag, Quechua, Swahili, and Hmong!

FREE smoking monkey to first-time enrollers!



[end Lionel's ad]

p.137 notes that "It's against the law for monkeys to smoke cigarettes" in South Bend, IN

9.2 Simpsons Uncensored Family Album

A book called "The Simpsons Uncensored Family Album" has one of Lionel's business cards taped in it. This card seems to have subtle differences from the one we saw in the show, and it doesn't look like a sponge, either...

[begin card]
[picture of balance scales filled with greenbacks and coins, some of which have fallen off the balance dishes & are lying on the ground]


KLondike 5-LAWW
No Case Too Small! Se Habla Espanol!

[end card]

9.3. The Simpsons: A Complete Guide to Our Favorite Family

Profile of Lionel Hutz on page 44 (summary of "Bart Gets Hit By A Car" episode). Other mentions on pages 52, 93, 100, 105-106, 115, 124, 126, 128, 140, 172-173, 181-182, 200, 226.


  • p.7 Introductory picture shows Lionel Hutz chasing an ambulance on motor-scooter.
  • p.12 Picture of Lionel Hutz in sandwich board giving foot tour of Springfield.
  • p.60 Lionel Hutz comments on the accomodations of cell 46 at the Springfield police station drunk tank.


           Knight School of Law               
 Hereby Confers the Honorable and Title of:   
            Doctor of Lawology                
          Upon: Lionel Hutz                   
    Sue M. All         Anita Jobb             
    U.R. Guilty       Al. C. Yancort          

                   Lionel Hutz                    
                Attorney at Law                   
 Worker's Comp  o  Liability   o  Insurance Scams 
     Specializing in expensive litigation         
      "If you don't win your case,                
        you only pay attorney fees!"              
         Springfield Mall, 2nd Floor              
           Klondike 5-4 LAW


In the screen saver Berkeley's Simpsons After Dark Hutz doesn't say anything and only makes an appearance in the "Physics" module. This screen saver has the floating heads of many Simpson characters, and Hutz is probably in there.

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Last updated on December 17, 2002 by Haynes Lee (