The New Kid on the Block

The New Kid on the Block                               Written by Conan O'Brien
                                                         Directed by Wes Archer

TV Guide synopsis

The Simpsons' new neighbors are a divorc\'ee (Pamela Reed) and her 15-year-old
daughter (Sara Gilbert), who captures---and breaks---Bart's heart.  Meanwhile,
Homer sues when a restaurant denies him ``all you can eat.''  Other voices:
Dan Castellaneta, Hank Azaria.

Title sequence

Blackboard

        {I will not bring sheep to class.}
        {I will not bring sheep} at cutoff.

        Maggie costs $847.63.

Lisa's solo

        Traditional.

Driveway

        Homer says ``D'oh!'' when Lisa scoots past.
        Homer says ``Wooh!'' when the car closes in on him.

Couch

        The couch falls through the floor.

Quotes and scene summary

   

 Homer's viewing of the television program ``Hunks'' is interrupted by a
 visitor:  It's the next-door neighbor Mrs. Winfield, who is moving to
 Florida with her husband.  She asks Homer to do a few things to help
 her sell the house.  Like wear pants when he stands in the window.
 Homer refuses.

 While mowing the lawn, Homer is drawn to the boxes of discarded coathangers,
 old newspapers, and expired medicine.  Unable to stop himself, he takes
 them into the house.
   
   Marge: That medicine's not for you!
   Homer: [emptying assorted bottles of medicine]
          C'mon, Marge!  Maybe I'm not getting enough...
          [reads the label] estrogen.
   -- Can't get enough, uh huh, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 The argument is interrupted by a television commercial for the
 all-you-can-eat dinner at ``The Frying Dutchman'' seafood restaurant.
   
   Homer: Marge, we're going to that restaurant.
   Marge: But I think I'm allergic to seafood.  The last time I ate shrimp,
          my throat closed up, and I went into convulsions.
   Homer: Mmm... shrimp...
   -- Mmm... convulsions... ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 The Winfields' real estate agent shows a couple the home.
   
   Wife:  Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining, so why don't
          we just agree to pay whatever the Winfields want.
   Agent: That could work.
   -- Flexibility is our middle name, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 The sound of Homer's belching draws their attention, and they see Homer
 lounging in the wading pool, fishing a half-eaten weiner [sic] from
 the water, and eating it.  This changes their minds.

 Bart and Lisa tiptoe past the ``SOLD'' sign on the Winfields' front lawn
 and sneak in the basement window.  Bart preys on Lisa's anxiety by
 improvising a scary story about the Winfields.  This spooks Lisa, who
 runs off in fear.  As Bart chuckles, a shadowy figure sneaks up on our
 hero and grabs him.  Bart screams and faints.

 Blackness.

 ``Hey, kid.  Wake up.''  The 15-year-old figure introduces herself
 as the new neighbor.
   
   Laura: Are you all right?
   Bart's brain: She's beautiful.  Say something clever.
   Bart's mouth: [meekly] I fell on my bottom.
   Bart's brain: D'oh!
   -- Thinking fast on one's bottom, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 [End of Act One.  Time: 3:29]

 As ``Clumsy Student Movers'' unload the van, Laura welcomes Marge to their
 home.  Marge is impressed by the girl's manners.

 Marge plays Welcome Mobile for the new family, adding to the promotional
 gifts a coupon for a free drink at Moe's Tavern.
   
   Woman: I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially
          after that TIME cover story, ``America's Worst City''.
   Marge: [proudly] You could see our house in that photo!
   -- Was Homer in the window without any pants on?  ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 The next item in the basket is for the man of the house, which is an
 optional extra in this 90's family, Laura's parents having divorced
 two years ago.
   
   Woman: They're so sweet when you marry them, but soon it's just career,
          career, career.
   Homer: [outside, scolding SLH] <My> hammock.  Do you understand?
          Mine!  ... Don't look that way!
   -- The exception that proves the rule, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 On the front kerb, Bart and Laura exchange schoolyard stunts, and Laura's
 smart retort scares away a proto-menacing Kerny and Dolph.  Laura offers
 to read Bart's palm:  ``You're going to be rich!  There's your mansion.
 Here's the tennis court.''  She spits into Bart's hand.  ``And there's
 the swimming pool!''  Laura makes a playful escape back into the house.
 Bart admires his wet palm.  ``I'll never wash this hand again.''

 And he doesn't.  The hand is filthy, but the pool of spit remains.  Lisa
 tries to get Homer to tell Bart to wash his hand...
   
   I no longer control the hand...  The hand controls <me>!
   -- You have to hand it to Bart...  ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
   Shut up, you little monsters!
   -- Homer tries once again to control the kids, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 ... but Homer is busy trying to find a babysitter.
   
   Homer: I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
   Woman: Sorry, this isn't Abby; this is her sister.  I look after her now.
   Abigail: [rocking but otherwise motionless in her rocking chair]
          [speaking to no one in particular]  No, Bart.  Put it down, Bart.
          Bart, put it down.
   -- And come out with your hands up, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Homer is disappointed that he wore his extra-loose pants for nothing.
 Bart suggests Laura could baby-sit, and Lisa takes the opportunity to
 tease him.  Bart lunges for her with his filthy hand, but she quickly
 steps aside, landing Bart's hand on SLH, who runs off, Bart's hand
 sticking like glue.

 At the neighbor's house, Laura's mother agrees to let her baby-sit.
   
   Homer: Uh, and there was something else...  Something I was supposed to
          tiptoe around...
   Laura's mother: My divorce.
   Homer: <That's> it!  Woo-hoo!  I'm glad <one> of us remembered.
          <That> could've been embarrassing.
   -- A close call, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
   Laura's mother: Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes.
          I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you
          can arrange it.  After all, Homer, I do have the normal ... appetites.
   Homer: [knowingly] Heh, heh, heh.  I know what you mean.
          [just checking] Just let me make sure we're not talking about food.
   Laura's mother: I'm not.
   Homer: [as if he knew it all along] Right!  Me neither.
          [just checking] We're talking about sex, right?
   Laura's mother: Right.
   Homer: I hear you loud and clear!
   -- But does he understand?  ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Lisa is surprised to find Bart... taking a bath?
   
   Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.
   -- Bart takes a bath, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Bart welcomes Laura in a velvet smoking jacket, complete with (bubble) pipe.
 Lisa and Bart leave Laura to decide what to have for dinner.
 At the empty ``Two Guys from Kabul'' restaurant, the phone rings, and the
 two guys fight over it.

 While Laura introduces the kids to take-out Afghan food, Homer and Marge
 order dinner at The Frying Dutchman.
   
   Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
   Marge:  Mmm, what about the bread?  Does that have much fish in it?
   Waiter: Yes.
   -- One slice of bread with not so much fish in it later...
      ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Marge contents herself with some Tic-Tacs in her purse, while Homer eagerly
 orders the all-you-can-eat dinner.  Even before the waiter can give him his
 plate, Homer is at the buffet cart, carting away an entire tray of shrimp.

 At the Simpsons residence, Laura goads, ``Come on, Bart.  If I can teach
 Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.''  Maggie dances with Snowball.  Laura
 places Bart's hand on her hip, and they dance.  Bart drifts into
 fantasy-land, where he and Laura dance divinely, though Laura takes the
 opportunity to give him a wedgie at the end.

 Homer continues to gorge himself on shrimp, Marge having fallen asleep,
 and the rest of the restaurant staff waiting anxiously, as it is already
 closing time, the chairs upended.
   
   'Tis no man.  'Tis a remorseless eating machine.
   -- Captain McAlister watches Homer eat all his profits,
      ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Captain McAlister tries to convince Homer to leave.
   
   Can't talk.  Eating.
   -- Homer, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 The proprietor finally throws Homer out.  It takes two attempts.

 Marge lies in bed, but Homer is furious and wants to make an issue out of
 the incident.
   
   Homer: This is my quest.  I'm like that guy.  That Spanish guy.
          You know, he fought the windmill...
   Marge: Don Quixote?
   Homer: No, that's not it.  What's-his-name, the Man of La Mancha.
   Marge: Don Quixote.
   Homer: No!
   Marge: I really think that was the character's name.  Don Quixote.
   Homer: Fine!  I'll look it up!  [heads off and consults a reference]
   Marge: [annoyed] Well, who was it?
   Homer: [quietly fuming]  Nevermind.
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 At the Kwik-E-Mart, Bart plays backseat driver as Laura plays ``Death Row''.
 Upon reaching the Conservative Judge, the Insanity Plea fails to work, so
 Bart suggests a Change of Venue.  Unfortunately, it changed to the Texas
 electric chair.  ``If I'd hit the Remorse button one more time I would'a
 made it.''
   
   Ceiling mirrors and video cameras sometimes see more than
   who is about to shoot me.
   -- Apu, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Homer pays a visit to Lionel Hutz's ``I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm''
 law firm.
   
   Homer: All you can eat.  Ha!
   Hutz:  Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising
          since my suit against the film, ``The Never-Ending Story''.
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
   Homer: So, do you think I have a case?
   Hutz:  I don't use the word hero very often, but you are the greatest hero
          in American history.
   Homer: Woo-hoo!
   -- I'm sorry, did I say `hero'?  I meant `zero'.
      ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Bart pays a visit to Grampa (coincidentally, on the elder Simpson's
 birthday), asking for advice on older women, but it doesn't seem to be
 much help.  In a move betraying his lack of brain cells, Bart turns to
 Homer for advice.  Homer tries to act busy, but Marge insists that
 Homer talk to Bart about... you-know...  Homer believes Bart should learn
 the same way he did, then reconsiders.  Marge leaves the two alone.
   
   Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around]  a refrigerator!
   They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds.  They make ice, and... um...
   [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute.  Actually, a woman is more
   like a beer.  They smell good, they look good, you'd step over
   your own mother just to get one!  [downs the beer]  But you can't stop at
   one.  You wanna drink another woman!  [gets another woman out of the woman]
   -- Homer teaches Bart about the birds and the beers,
      ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Many women later, Homer babbles incoherently, then passes out.

 Bart lies unhappily in bed.  ``How can I get her to notice me?''
 Laura opens Bart's bedroom window.  ``Meet me at the treehouse, Bart.
 And come alone.''  She vanishes.  Bart swallows hard.

 Bart paces nervousely in the treehouse, then turns around to see Laura
 in a heart-stopping red dress.  She explains, ``I'm so happy, I just had
 tell someone.  I have a boyfriend.''  Bart reacts with stunned horror,
 envisioning Laura tearing his heart out of his chest and drop-kicking
 it into the trashcan.

 [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:34]

 And to rub salt in the wound, Laura's boyfriend is Jimbo.  Bart flashes
 back to another of Jimbo's abuses.
   
   Bart:  How can you like that guy?
   Laura: I dunno.  Maybe because he's an outlaw.
          You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house?
   Bart:  Jimbo killed him?
   Laura: No.  [dramatically]  But he poked him with a stick.
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Jimbo, the self-proclaimed ``Dr. Tongue'', arrives on his motorcycle to
 pick up Laura.  ``Who's the dork?''  ``Leave him alone.  He's just a kid.''
 Laura's words echo in Bart's head.
   
   Bart:  I'll show <them> who's ``just a kid''!
   Marge: [calling] Bart, bedtime!  I laid out your jammy-jams!
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 At dinner, everyone digs into light grey goop with gusto, save Bart,
 who has no appetite.  Bart's request for advice fails to work.

 Homer and Marge leave the kids in Laura's care...
   
   Lisa: Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad.
   Homer: [hugs her] Thanks.  That means a lot to me.
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Laura tells the kids to be in bed before Jimbo arrives.
   
   Bart: What do you like about him?  He's just a good-looking rebel
         who plays by his own rules.
   Lisa+Laura: [wistful sigh]
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 At Night Court, Captain McAlister presents his testimony, though undermined
 by the fact that he's not really a captain.  The defense attorney offers
 to show the court how much shrimp Homer ate.  Aides bring in bags upon bags
 of stuff, emptying them on the judge's desk.
   
   Aide:     Eighteen thousand letters, all addressed to Santa Claus.
   Attorney: You want the People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle.
             That's next door.
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
   Isn't it true that your husband consumed a ten-pound bag of flour when no
   other food was available?
   -- The defense attorney cross-examines Marge,
      ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 During the proceedings, a Domino's pizza is delivered for Homer.
 Lionel Hutz draws out of Marge the fact that after being thrown
 out of the restaurant, they drove around until 3am looking for
 another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant, and failing that, they
 went fishing.  Marge collapses in tears.  Hutz addresses the jury of
 Homer's peers (all overweight citizens).  Captain McAlister
 approaches Homer and offers a settlement.

 Marge covers her face as Homer chows down heartily on all the food
 he can eat, at the window table.  A huge crowd of onlookers have
 gathered, and Captain McAlister ushers them inside, barking, ``Come for
 the freak; stay for the food.''

 Bart eavesdrops on Jimbo and Laura on the couch, smooching.  Bart has
 a plan.  Meanwhile, Laura's mother has considerable difficulty getting
 Moe to accept the coupon for a free beer.  ``No, this is... Bo's Cavern.''
   
   Moe: [answers the phone]  Yeah, just a sec; I'll check.
        [calls]  Amanda Hugginkiss?  Hey, I'm lookin' fer Amanda Hugginkiss.
        Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
        [bar denizens laugh]
   Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
   Moe: [to phone] You little S.O.B.  Why, when I find out who you are,
        I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving
        dogs in your butt!
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Bart answers, ``My name is Jimbo Jones, and I live at 1094 Evergreen
 Terrace.''  Moe celebrates victory.  ``I knew he's slip up sooner or
 later!''  He unsheathes a rusty knife and heads out of the tavern.
   
   Moe:    Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
   Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for?
           Gasp!  Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray!  [drinks it]
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 Moe's angry dash through town is momentarily put on hold while he
 consults his map to find Evergreen Terrace.  Moe bursts into the
 Simpsons' home as Jimbo and Laura are making out.  He brandishes his
 knife, and Jimbo falls to his knees, begging and crying for mercy.
 Bart gloats, ``That's your outlaw?''  Moe leaves for the Tavern,
 where Barney is sucking beer straight from the tap, pausing briefly
 until his heart starts beating again.

 Laura shows Jimbo to the door, suggesting they not see each other any more.
 She concedes to Bart that he was right after all.
   
   As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.
   -- Bart, ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 ``You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teen-aged moustache,
 I'd go out with you in a second.''  She gives him a peck on the cheek.
   
   Laura: [on the phone]  Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle?  First name...
   Bart:  [whispers]
   Laura: [continues]  Ivana?
   Moe:   [on the phone]  Ivana Tinkle, just a sec.
          [calls]  Ivana Tinkle!  Ivana Tinkle!  Hey, everybody, put down your
          glasses.  Ivana Tinkle!
   -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   
 All, including Homer and Captain McAlister (who apparently stopped by the bar
 for a drink) enjoy the joke.

 [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:14]
   

Voice credits

Starring

    Dan Castellaneta        (Homer, Barney, Grampa, waiter, Defense attorney,
                             the grampa?)
    Julie Kavner            (Marge)
    Nancy Cartwright        (Bart, Candi)
    Yeardley Smith          (Lisa)
    Hank Azaria             (Apu, potential house buyer)
    \:    and
    Harry Shearer           (nearly everybody else)

Special Guest Voice

    Sara Gilbert            (Laura)

Special Guest Voice

    Phil Hartman            (Lionel Hutz)

Special Guest Voice

    Pamela Reed             (Laura's mother)

Also Starring

    Pamela Hayden
    Maggie Roswell          (Mrs. Winfield)

Didja notice...

    ... the multiracial couple interested in the Winfield residence?
        How politically correct...
    ... hanging on the wall of The Frying Dutchman is a life preserver
        inscribed, ``S. S. Minnow.''? @{rel}  Another hidden ``Gilligan's
        Island'' reference.
    ... Captain McAlister had a glass eye?
    ... the music for the ``Escape from Death Row'' arcade is the same
        as that for ``Larry the Looter''?  The protagonist looks the same,
        too.  Perhaps it's a sequel.
    ... Maggie was, once again, playing with her food rather than eating it?
    ... Lionel Hutz actually won a court case!  Is this a first?
    ... the crowd at the Fryin' Dutchman was shaped like a lobster's claw?

Movie (and other) References

    * Miracle on 34th Street
    * Northern Exposure
        - Music hauntingly similar to the show's theme is played during
          the shot of the moose eating out of the garbage.

Animation and continuity goofs

I wonder how Laura was able to stand up straight in Bart's treehouse,
whose ceiling is no more than five feet.  And I don't want to know how
she climbed up in a dress.

Marge calls to Bart, ``Bedtime!''  But notice that Bart was already in
his jammy-jams when musing, ``How can I get her to notice me?''  How
uncharacteristically Bart, going to bed <before> his bedtime.

Comments and other observations

Guest voices

Sara Gilbert plays Roseanne's daughter on ``Roseanne''.  (Real-life Sara
Gilbert is 16, claims KitchenRN@ssd0.laafb.af.mil.)

Pamela Reed plays a divorced parent on ``Grand''.

Hunks

``Hunks'' is a spoof of the syndicated game show ``Studs'', with the same
host and the same set layout.  For those who are fortunate enough not to
be familiar with the program, here's a quick synopsis:  Two guys each go
out on dates with three women, then a post-mortem interview is conducted
with each of the women.  All five are brought together, and the object of
the game (What?  The game hasn't started yet?) is for the two men to
identify which of the three women said various things about them.  The
show is so inane, I don't even know what the winner gets, and I don't care.
For some inexplicable reason, the program is a hit.

The quotations are invariably charged with double entendres.  The Simpsonified
version ``Hunks'' reveals the utter stupidity of the game by disposing
with the window-dressing, leading to such quotes as, ``He looked so sexy,
I hoped we would have sex.''

Other puns

The porno movie ``Das Butt'' follows in the naming tradition of cheap porno
movies, punning on otherwise respectable phrases or titles.  (Compare the
movies on ``The Top Hat Channel'' in [7F13].)  ``Das Boot'' is, of course,
the classic German U-boat movie.

And only the culturally illiterate wouldn't recognize ``The Frying Dutchman''
as a pun on the legend of The Flying Dutchman.

The pizza guy

The pizza deliverly boy was dressed in the colors of Domino's Pizza, an
American chain of delivery pizza, whose drivers are notorious for pushing
the limits of American traffic regulations in order to deliver their wares
within the ``30-minutes or it's free'' deadline.

Top Hat

Tom Purcia@{tp} identifies Bart's dream dance sequence as coming from
The Astaire/Rogers movie ``Check to Check.''  (I assume he meant ``Cheek
to Cheek.'')

Miscellaneous

Mrs. Winfield's voice has softened considerably.

Marge's allergy to seafood must be a relatively recent development, since
she ate at Chez Paree's (``Some Enchanted Evening''), the Rusty Barnacle
(``Homer's Night Out''), and The Happy Sumo (``One Fish...'') with no
visible ill effects.

It looks like Maggie was doing something closer to a cha-cha than a waltz.

The best part was the nine-frame ``family dinner'' scene-let.

Marge wasn't wearing lipstick in court.

Boring distribution restrictions

Yeah, right.