[4F05] Burns, Baby Burns

Burns, Baby Burns                                Written by Ian Maxtone-Graham
                                                       Directed by Jim Reardon
Production code: 4F05                      Original airdate in U.S.: 17-Nov-96
Capsule revision A,  5-Jul-97            Original Airdate in Canada: 16-Nov-96

"TV Guide" Synopsis {jmb}

Rodney Dangerfield is the voice of Mr. Burns' unrefined, illegitimate son, Larry, who's a hit with Homer but who gets "no regard, no regard at all" from his father. But Homer has a plan.

Title sequence

Couch :- Five clear, blue balloons, shaped like each member of the family, float down onto the couch. They take place -- with a little squeaking -- and then pop.

Did you notice...

... this is the first episode written by Ian Maxtone-Graham? ... the episode starts in Mt. Swartzwelder? ... Burns is a Yale 1914 grad? ... the sweat marks under Larry's jacket when he meets Burns? ... Larry walks just like Burns (with arms out and fingers pointing down)? ... Homer was making a 64-piece jigsaw puzzle of Snoopy asleep on his doghouse? ... Homer's Santa suit and Xtapalopaqetl in the basement? ... the Krusty costume in the shop's window? James R. Curry: ... the way Larry positions the "Gone Drinkin'" sign shows he knows about Burns' hidden camera? Don Del Grande: ... the trees at the orchard are turning brown, but the ones in New Haven are green? ... each tree's leaves are all the same color? ... the first time Homer arrives home, Grampa is still in the car? ... Burns went to a "Uniplex" (a one-screen movie theater)? ... Homer says he has "unconditional love" for his kids, something he seemed to lack when Lisa ruined his barbecue? Jason Hancock: ... the tour guide is named Randy? ... Larry wears a blue SNPP ID badge? ... Homer holds a fork with only three prongs (instead of four)? ... Groundskeeper Willy is in the crowd? (Apparently his Proposition 24-related deportation [3F20] was short-lived.) Eric Hartman: ... Homer still has the turkey leg after dinner? ... all of the Flanders, Marge and Maggie wear apple hats? Ryan Johnson: ... there is a river around SNPP? ... Homer's sector is off until he notices Larry? ... Larry has an ID tag but Homer doesn't? Ricardo Lafaurie: ... Larry Burns looks and acts incredibly like Rodney Dangerfield? ... Larry's business is out in the middle of a set of train tracks? ... the giant gate at Burns Manor is OPEN? ... Burns doesn't threaten Larry with the hounds? ... Marge's idea is judged to be "idiocy"? Lawrence Lam: ... Burns went to the movies at New Haven Uptown Uniplex? ... Lionel Hutz has blue hair at the end? Or there is a bluehaired Lionel Hutz lookalike? ... the Pawn Shop is next to the theatre? Ondre Lombard: ... besides OFF and the Flanderses, only old people are at the mill? ... Flanders seems to look like he's put on weight? ... Flanders is the first (and probably only) one to have a season pass at the cider mill? ... Smithers gets drunk really quickly? (or perhaps he's just humoring Mr. Burns) ... it seems lately OFF has had very boring activities? (i.e., visit to the Bonanza mall reunion) ... Mr. Burns has a room for someone he wasn't even expecting? ... the shadow the absent couch has left behind in the TV room? ... Chief Wiggum is the first TV person to notice that 555 is a phony number? ... Maggie knows Homer calls her stinky? Joe Manfre: ... Chief Wiggum's badge is on the left (i.e. correct) side? ... the distinct "Amtrak" styling of the train? David Ney: ... the Duff Beer commercial on TV? ... the music in "Too Many Grandmas" is the same music from "Good Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great Frisco Freak Out"? Dallas Pesola: ... Smithers is in a "mounting from behind" type of position with Burns when the train screeches to a halt? ... none of the bar glasses or bottles fall over when the train stops? ... all the billiard balls go into the same pocket instead of being scattered at the one end of the table? Mark Aaron Richey: ... the episode doesn't take place in 1996 (since there wasn't a World Series 7th game)? ... Burns's old roommate is still alive (making him in the 100+ range, too)? ... Smithers has his ID card on at Burns's? ... the picture of Angus Burns over the mantle? ... the country club is not the club from 3F11? ... Burns's slamming the door blows out the candles on the table? ... Bart cluches his shirt, like Larry/Rodney Dangerfield cluches his tie, while insulting Marge? ... Burns is the only one not dancing in the first longshot outside the theater (though he does in the second)? ... the regular full closing theme has yet to play this season (not even in the reruns)? Benjamin Jay Robinson: ... Ian Maxtone-Graham is both the writer and consulting producer of this episode? (How cushy is that? "Ian, I think this joke is kind of lame." "Really? I ran it by the consulting producer and he loved it." "Oh, okay, then.") ... Bart (and maybe Maggie) is the only one not grossed out by the rats? Ana Robles: ... The streched out pepsi bottle has some sort of blue fluid in it? ... When Larry recounts the events of his life, he neglects to mention that he aparently had a wife and kids? ... Bart doesn't mention that Burns ran over him with a car? ... When ordering the Yale guys out of his office, Burns holds his pen up threateningly like a knife? Liam J. Scanlan: ... Larry is from Waynesport, Connecticut? ... Burns came from New Haven, Connecticut? ... Larry calls Smithers "Chuckles"? ... Mr. Burns is a grandfather? Mike Schiraldi: ... there is a Princeton pennant (orange and black) in the background of Moe's?

Voice credits

[Yet again, many guesses. I'll work on those skills someday... --ed] - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Dink, conductor, actor, Abe, Barney, Hans Moleman) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Randy, P.A. in wagon, Carstairs, Yale admissions man, Moe, Wiggum, Lou) - Harry Shearer (Ned, Burns, Smithers, Eddie, Kent Brockman, costume man) - Special Guest Voice - Rodney Dangerfield (Larry Burns) - Also Starring - Tress MacNeille (Debutante's mother, Yale admissions woman, Bo Derek)

Movie (and other) references

+ "Burn, baby, burn", slogan of the Watts riots. {dga} - title + "Caddyshack", movie starring Rodney Dangerfield {msr} - Rodney Dangerfield's character insults everyone in the country club dining room, and badmouths the food - Rodney's character tells everyone to party at the very end - everyone including Rodney's character dances to "Anyway You Want It" by Journey + "Stover at Yale", book by Owen Johnson {jn} - Dink Stover is the main character of this story + "Ransom", 1996 movie - The previews for this episode were a parody of previews for that movie - Coincidentally, this story is loosely similar to Ransom, about a father whose son is kidnapped. {ol} "Friends" {ddg} - Burns had sex in a museum like Ross & Rachel did + "Death of a Salesman", play by Arthur Miller {pa} - "You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away! A man is not a piece of fruit!" is a line from this play. + Rodney Dangerfield's catchphrase, "I don't get no respect" {ddg} - "I don't get no regard." + 1993 Simpsons Calendar {ddg} - one page had Marge standing next to guards at Buckingham Palace; her hair looked like a blue version of their hats Donkey Kong Country video game {ljs} - Homer looks and sounds like Donkey Kong when he calls Mr. Burns with the kazoo in his mouth. + JFK Assassination {hl} - Homer and Larry hide in a movie theatre like Lee Harvey Oswald. + "Johnny Hollywood" {rl} - final showdown is in a theater - Joe Pesci imagines giving himself up to the cops and getting shot + "Anyway you want it" by Journey {hl} - plays over the credits

Previous episode references

["What was this, `Previous Episode Reference Day?'" -- {bjr}] - The Many Crimes of Monty Burns: {dga} - [2F18] Lisa: "He tried to kill our puppies" - [9F05] Marge: "He sexually harassed me" - [1F21] Grampa: "He stole my fiancee" - [7F18] Homer: "He made fun of my weight" (among many other occasions) - Previous appearances of Ixtapolapoquetl (mostly in the basement): - [7F22] Burns offers this ugly (and gigantic) eyesore to OFF - [8F14] lying in the basement when Homer checks for Maggie in the vacuum's bag - [1F15] Homer cleans up the basement {rl} - [2F03] Homer fixes the toaster in the basement - [2F09] OFF tries to get the plumber to fix a leak in the basement - [3F09] the head is among the other crap OFF tries to sell {ol} - [3F16] Bart and Chester eat sandwiches in the basement - [4F05] OFF hides out with Larry Burns in the basement - [7G08] Homer's Santa suit in the basement - [7F10], [1F04] Homer eats with Burns {rl} - [7F22] Lisa teaches a Simpson how to pronounce, with the same tone of voice {bb} [Too bad we didn't get another "dodecaHEdron" --ed] - [8F04], [3F22] Homer insults Milhouse {dga} - [8F14] Marge's hair being compared to a Buckingham Palace guard's hat. {dn} - [8F17] A geographic feature is named after John Swartzwelder (Swartzwelder County in 8F17) {jh} - [8F20], [9F22] Homer's boorish behavior inside a movie theater {jh} - [8F21] Otto Mann crashes OFF {hl} - [8F21] Someone mispells a easy, small word. {ljr} - [8F21], [1F11] Marge's "every drifter" comment {dn} - [8F21], [3F16] The Simpsons host a drifter in their basement {msr} - [8F23] Springfield's location drowned out by train whistle {bjr} - [8F23] the outtaked scene of the train whistle covering up which state Springfield is in has been remade for this episode {rl} - [9F04] Grampa gives a warning a little too late. {ljs} - [9F12] Homer's brain "leaves" - [9F12], [2F15] Pepsi is mentioned in some way {jh} - [9F15] "Which was the style at the time" {dn} - [9F15] "as was the style at the time," used to refer to a supposedly old-fangled social practice. {bjr} - [9F15] Yale is referenced {rl} - [1F01] Burns lies that he is low on cash {dga} - [1F01] Mr. Burns is involved with a ransom of some sort {ol} - [1F02] Burns tries to get Homer into college {hl} - [1F04], [1F16] A Simpson has dinner with Mr. Burns {ol} {ljs} - [1F05] "Let's go to the old mill-get some cider." - [1F05] Someone makes an idiotic escape {mss} - [1F06], [3F10] Homer calls a little kid a "weiner". {ol} - [1F11] The guy with the monkey (in Homer's flashback) looks like Homer in costume {rj} - [1F12], [3F12] The Real Malibu Stacy and Handsome Pete are in the crowd. {ljs} - [1F16] Chef Boyardee is mentioned {jh} - [1F16] Havard referenced {mss} - [1F22] A Simpson breaks a limb. {ljs} - [2F03] OFF turns around just as they arrive at their destination {rl} - [2F06] Channel 6's helicopter films the outside of OFF's house - [2F07] Someone loses there virginity. {ljs} - [2F09] Someone makes an entirely flukey pool shot. {ljs} - [2F16] Smithers is drunk {jh} - [2F20] Smithers gets drunk {rl} - [3F03] OFF goes on a day trip that is enjoyed by few {mss} - [3F03] Marge and Maggie Enjoy a trip that everyone else hates? {eh} - [3F04] Computers are used to decide Homers outcome. {ljs} - [3F05] Burns is a Yale alumnus - [3F09] Disco Stu is seen. {ol} - [3F09] Flanders' pass photo looks just like his driver's license photo {rl} - [3F09] Ned's pass photo looks like the driver's license photo {jh} - [3F11] Springfield Glen Country Club - [3F12] Captain Pete is seen. {ol} - [3F14] A Burns Relative is seen in the present {eh} - [3F14] Burns answers the phone, "Ahoy-hoy?" - [3F14] Homer speaks to Burns on the phone with a disguised voice {jh} - [3F14] Smithers is associated with conga lines {jh} - [3F16] The Simpsons take a drifter into their home. - [3F17] A hitchhiker is picked up {rl}

Freeze frame fun

Sign outside cider mill: {hl}

       "Now 40% Quainter!"

Flanders' Season Pass:

      [ red ]  Mt.  Swartzwelder
      [apple] Historic Cider Mill

      [          ]  S E A S O N
      [   Ned's  ]    P A S S
      [  Smiling ]  -----------
      [   Face   ]  Flanders, N.
      [          ]  No. 00001

Burns' Flag:

               /    |
           /   BEAT |
       /    HARVARD |

Sign on Burns' Car:

      P R I V A T E   C A R

           /    /  \
          |   YOU   |
           \  /    /

Uniplex Sign:

           NEW HAVEN
   U P T O W N   U N I P L E X

Museum Sign:


Shot at kitchen table: {hl}

   - Bart examining diamond with eyepiece
   - Lisa with left arm in a cast
   - Maggie with "cutest baby" sash

Country Club:


Things in the basement:

   - TV
   - couch
   - rug
   - fan (with strips attached to the grill)
   - water heater
   - some old-design lamp on foot
   - ladder
   - Ixtapolapoquetl
   - pile of open boxes, holding blue and green stuff
   - books
   - microwave
   - coffee maker
   - piles of newspapers
   - Homer's Santa suit
   - phone
   - spare tire
   - some ugly yellow-dotted blue thing  (kiddie pool?)
   - usual card table and chairs
   - washer and dryer
   - laundry basket
   - shelf with detergent, softener and other gizmos
   - basement sink
   - ... and lots of cracks in the walls

Costume Shop Sign:


Movie Sign: {hl}


Many people in the crowd: {ddg} {mar} {jh} {mey}

   - At first: Larry, Wiggum, Eddie, Lou, Burns, Smithers

   - Homer admits it was a hoax: Barney, Moe, Skinner, Willy, Krabappel

   - Homer runs to his family: Homer, Marge, Obnoxious (Bart), Boring
      (Lisa), Stinky (Maggie)  [I can't identify anyone in the crowd]

   - Larry asks Burns to forgive him: Barney, Maude, Ned, Lenny, Herman,
      Man who punches people, blue-hair Hutz-alike, Otto, Rev. Lovejoy,
      Willy, Luanne & Kirk Van Houten, Eddie

   - Let's party!: Nick Riviera, Miss Hoover, Prof. Frink, Dr. Hibbert,
      Jacqueline Bouvier, Carl, Apu, Skinner, Moe

   - Pan: Carl, Lenny, Miss Hoover, Mrs. Glick, Randy (tour guide),
      railwayman, debutante's mother, two people with apples hats, Hans
      Moleman, Yale admissions man, Admiral Carstairs (break-dancing),
      chef, Handsome Pete, tall man, man in gorilla suit, Disco Stu,
      Mrs. Hibbert, Jimbo, OFF (but where's Maggie?), Charlie, Mrs.
      Krabappel, Diamond Joe Quimby, Dave Shutton (?), rabbi/russian

   - Wide view: Larry (dancing on the Channel 6 van), Randy, Wiggum,
      Apu, Debutante's mother, OFF (w/o Maggie), Smithers (not dancing),
      Burns, Miss Hoover, Moe, Lenny, Jasper, chef, man in gorilla suit
      (dancing on a police car), Bumblebee Man

   - People whom I didn't find: Abe, train conductor, Yale admissions
      woman, costume shop owner

Overseas Animation: Akom  {ddg}

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

= Larry's watch disappears. (This could be counted as a goof since he didn't seem to exactly need to use the watch). {ol} * World Series games are always played at night (even though it's late afternoon when they start on the west coast, so maybe it's not). {mar} + Marge knows how to pronounce "Nuclear" in 9F16. ("You're a nuclear technician?") {ddg} * It takes a train a little while to make a complete stop. I assume the couch probably would've simply caused a very messy accident. {ol} = Smithers does not have a pool cue in hand when the train halts, then has one a second later after they see the balls go into the pocket. {dp2} * Smithers congratulates Burns for sinking all the pool balls in one pocket after the train stops; however, as Don Del Grande pointed out in the 2F09 capsule, this is a foul. {jm} c The closed-captions have Smithers saying "Oh! Where did that lamp come from?" when he's drunk, but nothing is heard. {jh} + Marge has pronounced "nuclear" and "library" correctly in the past. {dga} c Also did you notice the way she pronounced "escape" as "exscape" but it was spelled correctly in the captioning. {mc} = We don't see OFF's car pull into the driveway, but we see it pulling out. (And we know their driveway isn't THAT long.) {jh} + In 1F21, Jackie Bouvier was never Grampa's fiancee. {ol} [Tara Seeley comments: "Yeah, but Grandpa can't be expected to remember this... he is Grampa after all..."] + "Burns Manor" doesn't appear to exist on Mr. Burns' gate anymore. {ol} + If Burns knew he had a son, why didn't he make him his heir in 1F16? {rl} + In "Simpson and Delilah", Burns was supposed to be as "bald as a plucked chicken" in his senior years at university. At the reunion, he still has (what looks like) his natural hair. {rb} * "Gone With the Wind" was released in 1939, but not until December, to qualify for the Oscars. It didn't go into wide release (including, I'm assuming, New Haven, CN) until 1940. {mar} + Burns said he has "never experienced the gentle sex" in 7G10. {rl} = The jigsaw puzzle wasn't on the control panel when Homer was sleeping. {ol} - The only corner missing from the jigsaw puzzle was the bottom right, which should be green, but the "loose" corner piece was pink - and the shape wouldn't let it fit. {ddg} + The "demotivational sign" and pictures of Maggie are gone from Homer's work area. {ddg} + Lisa, once again, appears to have meat on her plate (so much for the promise to the McCartneys). {mar} * What is "the Admiral" an admiral in? Dress blue uniforms in the US Navy and Coast Guard have ranks designated at the ends of the sleeves, but admirals have a 4" gold band, something this guy was missing. {ddg} - You can't see into Larry's "glass" mug at Moe's. {ddg} = Some of the food Homer takes from the dinner scene disappears. {jh} - Larry's umbrella drink loses it's pink color for three frames while walking with Homer. {dp2} * In Pai Gow Poker, the object is to make a five-card Poker hand and a two-card hand from seven cards that are both better than the house's hands (it's a "players against the house" game, like Blackjack), but Lisa shouldn't be happy that she has a Pai Gow, since it's a hand with no possible pairs. {ddg} = The TV screen is blank when Marge orders Homer to take Larry back, even though Marge doesn't turn it off. {jh} * Kent Brockman travels from Burns Manor to OFF's house in a few seconds. {ljs} = The walkway in the auditorium wasn't sticky when Homer and Larry went into it. {ol} = The seat behind Homer and Larry was unoccupied when they first entered the movie auditorium. {ol} = When ordering Wiggum to shoot Larry, Mr. Burns was standing next to Wiggum's squad car. A few seconds later, he's in front of a fire truck. {ol} - Standing next to the Van Houtens in the party scene at the end is someone who looks a whole lot like Lionel Hutz but with blue hair. Was this supposed to be Hutz? {jm} = The fire truck is in front of the theater throughout the final scene, but at the end it's at the left. {ljs} - The (C) is still missing from the copyright screen. {ljs}


Dale G. Abersold: Yet another fine episode with a fine guest voice. Though the plot wasn't the strongest in the world, the quality and quantity of the gags kept me laughing consistently throughout the episode. Ian Maxtone- Graham, in his first effort, proves himself worthy to join the ranks of Simpsons writers. (A-) Brad Barth: Rodney Dangerfield with a supporting role would have been okay; him as the star wasn't. He and his brand of one-liner humor, which doesn't mix well with "Simpson" humor, almost completely take over this flat episode. Any amusing gags, like Homer's brain abandoning its body, and Grampa sitting on a pie, were overshadowed by Larry Burns' Dangerfield-esque character and irritating insult jokes. It was proper that Burns didn't bend in the end and accept his son; he's still a heartless old man. But, then again, I hope not to see much of Mr. Burns' son in the future either. (C-) Jennifer M. Blaske: While watching this, I couldn't quite decide whether I was enjoying it or not. I think it had to do with Rodney Dangerfield - he was funny, but too much like Himself. Also, the plot itself seemed a little stale, although I agree they did a nice job handling Mr. Burns' reaction. There were some pretty funny parts, however, including Homer's brain leaving, Marge's mispronunciations, etc. (B) Steve Frayne: Losing only to "Two Bad Neighbors", this is the worst episode in the last 6 seasons. I found it hard to sit through a second time because Larry just wasn't funny. His cutdowns give a very brief chuckle, but there isn't a single line that sticks out as notably funny afterward. Include that with a poor plot and significantly less Homer humor than usual and you'll get a deadly combination which earns this episode an (F)! Jason Hancock: Hmmm... I thought the story was a little shaky at times and the ending, like last week, was forced. But this one had the funniest moment of the season for me (Hans Moleman in the movie theater), and the laughs in this one were good enough to eke out a (B+) Ryan Johnson: A fair episode, nothing exceptional. I only laughed a few times and the ending seemed out of place and kind of ruined the episode. I'm still waiting for an episode about the rest of the family. 3F23 had a few bits, but everything so far has been about Homer. (C+) Ricardo Lafaurie: Something wasn't right. Granted, Rodney Dangerfield did a good job with the voice of Larry Burns, but the way he was acting, it was like Rodney Danger-field actually was the son of Mr. Burns. It felt very fragmented, too; a lot of funny jokes held together by some very weak glue. The party scene at the end added nothing except a song to add to my music list. Generally, the show was funny -- but funny isn't everything. We need something that makes sense for it to be ha-ha funny. (C) Joe Manfre: Seemingly an unhealthy premise, mixing the one-liner style of Dangerfield's comedy with the historically plot-driven comedy of OFF. Still, they came off with a fairly tight story and some clever little jokes (Marge's consistent mispronunciations, etc.), although the "trip to the apple-cider farm" at the beginning seemed tacked-on. (B) Blaine Moller: The first actually funny episode of this season! I liked the trip to the orchard. Alot of good gags in this one; homer's brain, picking up hitchhiker when they reach the driveway etc... Classic homer stupidity, especially homer's line "what are you going to do, call the cops" (duh). A really good episode (finally). (B+) David Ney: Kind of a silly episode. It was nice to see Homer caring about the well being of a "drifter" again. Rodney Dangerfield's jokes were funny, and the part about Homer's fake bloody death on the news was hilarious! I'm also a sucker for Disco Stu and Handsomr Pete. It was nice to see them in another episode. (A-) Keith Palmer: The well isn't quite dry yet when it comes to long-lost relatives. While Larry Burns was a little too Rodney Dangerfield to make him a truly memorable character, Mr. Burns was nicely characterized as the father who realises that he can only love someone like himself. (B+) Damian Penny: This episode seemed to be just an excuse on which to hang lots of Dangerfield one-liners, at the expense of the plot. Worse, they're Dangerfield one-liners which we've all heard many times before. Still, there were some very funny bits (especially Barney's scene) and the makers deserve credit for bringing back Disco Stu and Handome Pete for the bizarre finale. (B-) Mark Aaron Richey: A very funny episode, even if it did turn into a vehicle for Rodney Dangerfield (the first episode, I think, where a guest star so dominated the episode). Probably the best episode of the season (so far), but it did suffer from the annoying "nice Burns" syndrome, even though there was a reason for it, and he (sort-of) returned to himself by the end. (B+) Matt Rose: Overall, I can't say I liked it as much as last week but it was decent. I thought the first two acts held up but the way the plot was solved was a little disappointing. Since "Caddyshack" is my favorite movie of all time I was delighted to see some references to it. I still think they aren't throwing in quite as many jokes as I'd like to see, though. And Bart and Lisa still need more lines. (B) Liam J. Scanlan: "Burns, Baby Burns" was better than "The Homer They Fall" and that was hard to beat. Rodney Dangerfield was brilliant and Ian Maxtone-Graham's first episode is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. The best ending I ever saw. (A+) Vishal Sharma: Burns Baby Burns is annoyingly uneven. To begin with it promised to be a good episode (with a possible subplot), but after the first act is seemed to dwindle into a bad episode (without a good subplot). I'd given up all hope on the episode redeeming itself, but somehow it managed to still put a smile on my face during the final act. The "Ransom" homage was slick and the jokes towards the end were quite funny ("stupid economic recovery!"). However, special guest Rodney Dangerfield was this episode's biggest miss-fire. Larry Burns was so underdeveloped, but some of his one-liners were pretty good. It's a shame, this episode had great potential - and to a certain extent it showed it - but overall it's still not up to the standard we expect from OFF. (C) Ryan Siebel: IMHO, "Burns, Baby Burns" was inferior to "The Homer They Fall" not just because of the forced appearance of Rodney Dangerfield, but the fact that the first and second act were very slow. The apple cider mill visit took more time and produced less laughs than you would expect. And the whole "see Larry act like Rodney Dangerfield" idea seemed too predictable. But the third act was terrific. "Too Many Grandmas"! And the party was terrific. First two acts: C- Last Act: A- (C+) Yours Truly: A rather nice episode, with many clever jokes and funny moments. However, the abundance of recurring gags, threads and characters was somewhat over-whelming, making me wonder if I was watching a new episode or a clip show. Nevertheless, I enjoyed Larry's lack of tact, although I'm not sure if it was worth a whole episode, especially when I find it harder and harder to care for long-lost relatives. This sums up to something less than a great episode, but still fun to watch. (B) AVERAGE GRADE: B- (2.77) NIELSON RATING: 7.7 (ranked 65th out of 113) {ol}

Comments and other observations

The Dangers of Rodney

Benjamin J. Robinson:  Rodney Dangerfield has been a big name in comedy
   for a long time, starting from the time that the earth's surface
   cooled.  Dangerfield's shtick  was playing the put-upon schmo who, in
   his words, "can't get no respect."  Larry Burns is a very
   Dangerfield-esque character, right down to the kind of zingers he
   tells and physical mannerisms.

Dale G. Abersold:  Rodney Dangerfield is a stand-up comedian made famous
   by his trademark line "I don't get no respect" (which the writers
   made fun of by using synonyms of "respect").  More recently
   Dangerfield has tried acting, in films as diverse as "Back to School"
   and "Natural Born Killers." Interestingly, he has been animated
   before...as "Rover Dangerfield."

Ondre Lombard:  Rodney Dangerfield's new movie "Meet Wally Sparks" is
   apparently a movie starring him as a crass man who mingles vulgarly
   with swanky, upper-crust people.  This similar situation occurs in
   4F05, in which Dangerfield as Larry Burns insults Carstairs, the chef
   and the debutante's mother.  Ironic how this happens before his movie

Apples and World Series

Although funny by itself, Marge's comment about the World Series was
   ironically suited to this season's debut. After a whole summer
   without any rerun, FOX decided to set the season premiere's date
   right after the World Series, which they were broadcasting this year.
   (Many will recall FOX announcing 4F02 several weeks in advance: "The
   Simpsons -- after the World Series".)

   What brought so much turmoil on a.t.s. was that the possible Sunday
   for 4F02 fell on the seventh game. In other words, the outcome
   could be decided as late as the day before, if the Series lasted at
   least six games. And it did. That Saturday, many Simpsons fans who'd
   never watch baseball followed the game just to know when to set their
   VCRs. And Braves supporters, whose team was losing to the Yankees,
   were torn apart between their love for the Braves and their love for
   the Simpsons.

   To the joy of all -- especially Yankees fans -- there was no seventh
   game, and we were glued to our TV sets the next evening.  [Jason
   Hancock reminds us that the last Series to go seven games was the
   Minnesota-Atlanta matchup of 1991.]

Me Mispronounce Nucular? That's Unpossible!

Elson Trinidad:  It's a common pronounciation, but it's still
   technically incorrect. It's sort of like how most people can't write
   out contractions (i.e. words like "Won't" , "You're") correctly. Most
   Americans mis-pronounce "nuclear" because in everyday American
   English, it's rare for a word to contain a hard consonant followed by
   a soft consonant followed by a vowel. Worse yet, it was, of all
   people an American president (Jimmy Carter) who popularized the
   mispronounciation of "nuclear."

Len Freedman: "Nucular" is definitely wrong.  Nobody talks about the
   "nuculus" of an atom, do they?

   But in American English, grammar and usage is descriptive not
   prescriptive.  We don't have a committee, like some countries do,
   that gets together every few years to decide what's a good new word
   and what's not allowed.  Instead, our lexicographers go around and
   listen to how people talk, and then they compile the dictionaries
   based on that.

   And there are lots of words in American that are so commonly
   mispronounced we don't notice.  Who says "comfortable"?  Instead we
   say "comfterble". "Ouija" should be pronunced "wee-ja" or "wee-ya",
   not "Wee-ji".  And everyone I know says "sherbert" for "sherbet".

Bob Beecher:  For another dose of the "word" NUCULAR, check out "SIMPSON
   TIDE" (4G02)!  Homer corrects a "nucular" sub captain (voice by Rod

The boorish manners of a Yalie

Joshua Naftalis:  Dink's character refers to a Book called "Stover at
   Yale" by Owen Johnson.  Dink Stover is the main character of the book
   and it is set at exactly the same time the Burns was supposed to be
   at Yale.  The book was published in 1912.  The book chronicles Dink's
   life at Yale as a star on the football team and his efforts to make
   it into Skull and Bones.  Dink Stover came to represent the "Yale
   Man" because he was succesful, good-looking, and athletic, as well as
   a result of a fine prep-school (Lawrenceville).  This book is about
   the pinnacle of Yale life and elitism.

Where was that Outtake?

Joe Manfre:  Interestingly, according to Dave Hall's "Where is
   Springfield?" document, a preliminary script for "Brother, Can You
   Spare Two Dimes?" (8F23) had a similar joke wherein Herb was at a
   train station asking for tickets to Springfield and a train whistle
   drowned out the name of the state.  In this episode, the guy on the
   train seemed to be yelling for quite a long time to tell a simple
   state name... maybe he was trying to call out a whole sentence (such
   as "It's just a state of mind," or "It's not just another state")...

   Anyway, is this a case of writers getting lazy again?   ;)

   [Personally, I think it sounded a little like "The state of Alabama".
   But of course, we could debate for hours on this...  --ed]

Old as the Burns

Benjamin J. Robinson:  Monty Burns was a member of Yale's class of 1914.
   Assuming that he graduated at the usual age of around 22, Mr. Burns
   would have been born in 1892.  That would confirm his age as 104 in
   1996, when this episode aired.  His son, conceived in 1939 (and born
   either that year, or 1940) would be about 57 now.

Don Del Grande: Then again, maybe he spent 8 years in second grade, like

Gone to the Movies

Mark Richey:  Gone With the Wind was one of the greatest movies ever
   made. According to "Variety", when adjusted for inflation, GWTW is
   the highest grossing film of all time, with earnings over 1 billion
   worldwide (take that, "Independence Day"!).  It tells the story of
   the stormy relationship between Southern belle Scarlett O'Hara
   (Vivian Leigh) and Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) during and after the
   Civil War in Georgia.  At the end of the film, Rhett tells Scarlett
   (whom he was leaving...again) "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a
   damn", a very controversial line in 1939/40, though today, the movie
   is rated "G".

Alliteration 1, History 0

Benjamin J. Robinson:  The Merrimac was a famous fighting ship from the
   Civil War -- the South's first iron-clad battleship.  It fought the
   Monitor, the North's first iron-clad battleship, in 1862.

   Incidentally, while it was in the service of the Confederacy, the
   Merrimac was known by another name.  In "The Dictionary of
   Misinformation," Tom Burnam writes that the South had salvaged a
   Northern frigate called the Merrimac, placed iron armor on it, and
   renamed it the Virginia.  Thus, the battle was between the Virginia
   and the Monitor.  "The popular term for the battle," concluded
   Burnam, "is a triumph of alliteration over history."  You may use
   this fact to impress you history teacher.

Flight 827 to Yale Departing Now

Matt Burstein:  I believe that this comment by the admissions director
   was meant to be a satire on Yale's attitude about itself.  New Haven
   is a small city of about 130,000 people, and the center of a small
   metropolitan area with well less than a million people.  Add this to
   the fact that New Haven is less than two hours from JFK and Newark
   international airports and less than an hour from Bradley in Hartford
   (which has flights to Canada), and you have a city that most
   certainly does NOT need an international airport.  Tweed, the small
   airport just east of New Haven, serves the city's purposes fine. Thus
   the remark may be a shot at the (often correct) assumption that Yale
   has a superiority complex - even though the airport idea makes no
   sense, it would be in character for Yale officials to think that if
   they want it, it must be a good idea.  This may be a reference to the
   talk earlier this year about expanding Tweed to a major airport,
   which most Connecticut residents would probably agree is a waste of

Too Many Grandmas

Benjamin J. Robinson:  Olympia Dukakis is a respected performer, but not
   that big of a box- office draw.  Mostly, she plays a supporting,
   rather than starring, role.  Her most well known appearance would be
   in "Moonstruck."  And yes, she is related to Democratic Presidential
   nominee Michael Dukakis.

   Bo Derek is Hollywood's equivalent of a one-hit wonder.  She was in
   the movie "Ten," where she played the object of Dudley Moore's
   affections. She got a lot of press attention for the role, but
   couldn't parlay this early success into a long-term career.  One
   movie, the soft-porn "Bolero," was so bad that just the mention of
   the title would start Hollywood types laughing.  I think Ms. Derek
   has since renounced acting, and now lives on some kind of ranch with
   her spouse.

Dale G. Abersold:  Olympia Dukakis and Bo Derek are in another in a
   series of horrible movies shown at the Aztec theatre.  Who can forget
   "Honk If You're Horny" with Pauly Shore and Faye Dunaway [3F05] and
   the unnamed movie with Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke [9F03]?
   (Ah-ha!  The formula seems to be one once-respected Oscar-winning
   actress, costarring a never-respected vomit- inducing pop-culture
   figure!  So the next movie may well star Ellen Burstyn and Paul
   Hogan.  Another one might star Cher...all by herself!)

Jimmy Hollywood

Michael Maxwell:  The ending to this episode paralleled a fairly recent
   movie with Joe Pesci called "Jimmy Hollywood". The end of this movie
   has Pesci and his friend locked in an empty movie theater at night in
   a stand-off with the cops. Pesci's character even fantasizes about
   going down in a hail of police bullets, just like the "possible
   outcome" that showed in the Simpson's news report.  At the end of the
   movie, the two guys turn themselves in, just as Homer and Larry did.

Any Way You Want It

Here are the lyrics for this Journey song, courtesy of Joshua Bancroft:

          Any way you want it
          That's the way you need it
          Any way you want it
          She loves to laugh
          She loves to sing
          She does everything
          She loves to move
          She loves to groove
          She loves the lovin' things
          Ooh, all night, all night
          Oh, every night
          So hold tight, hold tight
          Ooh baby, hold tight
          Oh, she said
          "Any way you want it
          That's the way you need it
          Any way you want it"
          She said, "Any way you want it
          That's the way you need it
          Any way you want it"
          I was alone
          I never knew
          What good love could do
          Ooh, then we touched
          Then we sang
          About the lovin' things
          Ooh, all night, all night
          Oh, every night So hold tight, hold tight
          Ooh baby, hold tight
          Oh, she said
          "Any way you want it
          That's the way you need it
          Any way you want it"
          She said, "Any way you want it
          That's the way you need it
          Any way you want it"

Those Immortal Threads

Is Smithers Gay?

Haynes Lee:  When Burns asks Smithers to take off his belt, Smithers
   smiles and says "With pleasure sir".

Loose Ends

Matt Burstein:  Peabody Museum is indeed the actual name for Yale's
   natural history museum. I have no idea if there are or ever were
   Eskimos on display there.

Mark Aaron Richey:  I'm going out on a limb here, but I think when Larry
   says he's stepped on a peacock might be a reference to NBC, a
   competeing network to Fox that uses a peacock as it's logo.  In real
   life, of course, it's NBC that's stomping Fox.

James R. Curry:  Looking at the episode capsule, I spotted just one
   ommision from the SKY version - "Come on.  If this stuff is too nice
   for ya, I've got some crap!"

Quotes and Scene Summary {ol}

The family parks up to a tree-surrounded cider mill cabin. While autumn leaves fall, the family enters the mill. Lisa: What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day. Marge: I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside watching the seventh game of the World Series. Homer: [mocking] Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today. -- Their loss, I guess, "Burns, Baby Burns" The mill tour guide is explaining the history of the mill to the visitors. Ranger: ... and the cider mill operated continuously until 1941, when its workers left to fight in the second World War. When they returned, the old girl was just as they'd left her, only now she was infested with thousands, upon thousands of rats. [Everyone "Eww"s and "Yuck"s] Ranger: Right. And if you listen real carefully, you can still hear them gnawing away at the apples and splashing around in the toilets. And that concludes this portion of the tour. [eagerly extends a tip can] -- "Burns, Baby Burns" The visitors and the family are in the apple compressing room. While the tour guide continues to explain the history of the mill, Homer becomes unbearably bored and sneaks away from everyone else and runs into the Flanderses, coming out the gift shops with giant apple-hats on. Ned: Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson! How long have you been here? Homer: Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life. Ned: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise -- [shows Homer a card] season pass! It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here... [Homer's brain gets bored] Brain: [moans] You can stay, but I'm leaving. [brain floats away; Homer is now staring blankly] Ned: ... can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. [Homer collapses] Ned: Oh, my! I'd better get you some cider. -- Old-cider Ned, "Burns, Baby Burns" Marge is wearing an apple-hat while walking through the autumn-leaf trees, holding Maggie with Lisa. Marge: Next to Spring and Winter, Fall is my absolute favorite season. Just look at all this beautiful foilage. Lisa: It's not "foilage," mom, it's "foliage." Foo-liage. Marge: That's what I said, foilage. It doesn't take a nucular scientist to pronounce foilage. Lisa: [growls] -- Does Homer qualify?, "Burns, Baby Burns" A leaf blows as we're slowly taken to the train station at a country club in New Haven, Connecticut. Smithers is carrying fur coat-wearing Mr. Burns' bags while they both head for a traincar. Burns: Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won. Smithers: Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir. -- "Burns, Baby Burns" Smithers opens the door to a plush, luxurious traincar, privately belonging to Mr. Burns. Burns: Well, I say let Harvard have its football and academics. Yale will always be first in gentlemanly club life. Why, every friend I have, I've made right here. [an old Yalie walks up to Mr. Burns' car window] Dink: Hello, Burnsie! It's your old roomie, Dink! Burns: [groans] [pulls down the window shade] -- "Burns, Baby Burns" The train speeds on, while Mr. Burns enjoys a nice game of pool. Smithers racks up the balls for Burns while he sharpens his stick. Mr. Burns readies to make his shot. "Steady. Steady-y." The balls are wobbling all across the table when the train hits a halt and rocks Burns' car. Smithers falls over Mr. Burns, and all of the balls tumble into the right cornerpocket. "Oh-ho, nicely played, sir!" congratulates Smithers. The delay is caused by a discarded couch on the tracks. Burns: Oh this might take a while, Smithers. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement? Smithers: [taking bottle of booze] I'll be a one-man conga line. -- There's nothing he won't do for Mr. Burns, "Burns, Baby Burns" A souvenirs shop is on the other side of the road. The man inside has fallen asleep with his hand on his face. His hand slides off and he bumps his head, awakening himself to find a delayed train. "Customers!" he rejoices; "Thank god! Papa needs a new pair of everything." The man (which we'll later know as Larry) grabs an armful of stuff and runs up to the train. He knocks on some car windows trying to hock stuff to seemingly annoyed passengers. Hey, how're ya doing? Welcome to Scenic Waynesport, and remember your visit with a googly-eyed walnut. [holds up walnut toy] How about a googly-eyed rock? Some nice local squash candy? A stretched-out Pepsi bottle? [holds up a weirdly-shaped Pepsi bottle] Come on. If this stuff is too nice for ya, I've got some crap! -- Larry tries to sell some quality-impaired souvenirs, "Burns, Baby Burns" Smithers is thoroughly drunk and is stumbling about Mr. Burns' traincar while Burns claps in delight. Larry approaches the window, and suddenly begins to gawk with his mouth wide open. Just then, the train starts up again. Larry runs beside the train, staring at Mr. Burns when he discards his loot and rummages through his wallet and gets an old picture of young Mr. Burns. He looks at it, and then looks at Mr. Burns in the train. Larry: [running] Hey, Casey Jones, where's this train headed? Conductor: Springfield. Larry: Yeah, yeah. What state? [the reply is muffled by the whistle] -- Ahh, some of life's greatest mysteries, "Burns, Baby Burns" It's night, and the family has concluded its visit to the cider mill. Their speeding car blows away some autumn leaves. Marge: I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had. The mill, the history, all that gorgeous... foliage. [Lisa smiles] I can't excape Lisa, our little walking libary. [Lisa makes a desperated look] -- Better give up and bet on Maggie, "Burns, Baby Burns" Larry, holding a "Springfield" sign while standing next to luggage, sees the family drive by and looks up with hope. Can't they get a pole for that sign? -- Homer seeing a hitchhiker, "Burns, Baby Burns" Bart clarifies the concept for him. Homer: Ooh! Let's pick him up! Marge: No! What if he's crazy? Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots. Marge: We're not picking him up. Homer: Oh, yes, we are. Marge: There's not enough room. Homer: Yes, there is... [time passes] Marge: I just don't think it's a good idea. Homer: And I think it's the best idea I've ever had. We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final. [pulls back from their driveway] -- Never heard of too little, too late, eh Homer? "Burns, Baby Burns" They're back on the road, and so is Larry. They stop for him and he walks up to Homer's window. Hey, you folks are all right. Man, it was rough getting a ride out there. The only car that stopped was a hearse that thought I fell out. It was rough, I tell ya. -- OFF picks up Larry, "Burns, Baby Burns" Larry lets himself in, crowding things a bit in the backseat for Grampa, Lisa and Bart. Marge: Careful of the apple pie on the seat. Abe: Uh-oh! Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? Abe: I sure hope so. -- "Burns, Baby Burns" The family drives on. Larry: Hey, I'm looking for this guy. [shows an old picture of Burns] Anyone know who he is? Bart: Yeah, sure, we know him. That's Mr. Burns. Lisa: He tried to kill our puppies. Marge: He sexually harassed me. Abe: He stole my fiancee. Homer: He made fun of my weight. [pause] Larry: Okay, so there's been a little friction. Know his address? -- "Burns, Baby Burns" The family drops Larry off at the Burns Manor and drives off. The gates are open and Larry lets himself in. Ho, this guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf. He's rich, I tell ya. I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox. [realizing] Hey, who am I talking to? -- Larry comments on Burns' mansion, "Burns, Baby Burns" Larry rings the doorbell. Smithers answers. Smithers: [eyeing Larry] Yes? Larry: [sweating] Yeah, uh... Hi, my-my name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns. Smithers: Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry, but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger, he will observe him through a powerful telescope. -- Hasn't lost the common touch, "Burns, Baby Burns" Mr. Burns opens the door, asking Smithers what's going on. He sees the visitor and scolds him for interrupting his Lime Rickey. He takes a finishing sip of his drink and asks the man to state his business. Larry: Well, uh... sheesh... uh... I'm a little nervous here. What I'm trying to say is, I'm... Burns: You're what? Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it! Larry: Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son. [Burns is shocked] Larry: Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel? -- "Burns, Baby Burns" [End of Act One. Time: 6:22] Mr. Burns looks underneath Larry's toupee and sees three circles on his head just like the ones on his. This cannot lie. Larry: Ah, Pop, don't get me wrong; it's great to be here. But how's a guy like you wind up with a son like me? Burns: Ah, Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story in my mind a million times. It was 1941, the... No, '39... -- Two million times wouldn't have hurt, "Burns, Baby Burns" Burns flashes back to the outdoors of the 25th Yale reunion feast of his Class of 1914. A much younger C.M. Burns sees his unrequited love of his college years, Mimsy Bancroft, a middle-aged woman staring back at Young Burns. Young Burns becomes wide-eyed as the narration goes on. "Of course, by then, Mimsy had her share of wrinkles and a grey hair or two, but my adoring eye saw past those minor imperfections -- to her 21-year-old daughter, Lily," a much younger, dainty blonde standing in a pink dress with her hand on her hip. I took Lily to the local cinematorium, where our passions were inflamed by Clark Gable's reckless use of the word "Damn". [Young Burns and Lily leave the theater, Burns covered in kisses] We sneaked into the nearby Peabody Museum. There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically, as was the style at the time. [a janitor inside the eskimo exhibit watches the two make love on the floor with glee] -- Burns narrates love at the time, "Burns, Baby Burns" Larry: Well, how do ya like that? I have been in a museum. So, what happened with you and Ma? Burns: Oh, there was a terrible scandal. Lily's family forced her to give you up, and bundled her off to a convent in the South Seas. I never heard from her again. But I prattle on. Tell me everything about your life. Larry: Oh, what's to tell? I was at the orphanage till I was 18, then I got my job at a souvenir stand. Oh, and once I saw a blimp. -- Uh-huh, "Burns, Baby Burns" Mr. Burns shows Larry his luxurious suite of a room. Larry is very impressed, and smothers Burns with gratitude. Burns nicely fights him off, and shows him to the playroom, in case he ever gets bored. On the other side of the playroom door is a play in progress. Actor: ...you can't just eat the orange and throw the peel away! A man's not a piece of fruit! Burns: This show was supposed to close last week! Close this show! Close it, I say! [Burns slams the door shut] [Larry comes back] Larry: Hey, don't worry about it. You're all right. -- He probably saw the play as cartoon strips, "Burns, Baby Burns" Homer is sleeping on his post at the SNPP when he awakens to stretch and finds Larry in a chair behind him. Both are startled, and Homer panics when he learns he's talking to the boss' son, cleaning his panel from an unfinished jigsaw puzzle and turning on sector 7-G. Larry: Ah, relax. I don't wanna work. I'm so lazy, I took lessons on a player piano. Homer: Wow, that's really lazy. Larry: Lazy? You're not kiddin'. Why, I'm like a rug on Valium, I'm talkin' lazy. Homer: Soo lazy. [later, eating with his family] Homer: ...and Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry. -- But I still prefer you for snuggling, "Burns, Baby Burns" Marge: [bored] I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening. Homer: Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today. [pan to the kids] [Bart is examining a diamond] [Lisa's left arm is in a cast] [Maggie is wearing a "Cutest Baby" contest sash] -- Three future episodes, maybe?, "Burns, Baby Burns" At the Springfield Glen Country Club, Mr. Burns is preparing Larry to meet some high-class minglers at a dinner party. The first victim is Admiral Carstairs, an elderly man in a metal-laced admiral uniform. Hey, Skipper, [slaps him in the back] good to meet ya. Hoo, where'd you start out, on the Merrimack? Hey, I should talk. I hope I look that good when I'm 200. -- Larry's charms at work, "Burns, Baby Burns" Carstairs is not amused, and Larry is pulled aside by Mr. Burns, who notes to him that Carstairs is very sensitive about his age. Just then, a distinguished, elderly woman wearing a tiara approaches Larry and Burns. Woman: Oh, Monty, this must be the son I've heard so much about. Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante. [reveals a short, chunky girl in glasses with a huge nose] She came out last spring. Larry: Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet! Woman: [through her glasses] Hmmph! -- Tactless, yet rude, "Burns, Baby Burns" Mr. Burns and Smithers are getting some food from the banquet table and discuss Larry. Burns is starting to notice Larry is an unusual character and Smithers says he's rough around the edges. Just then, Larry is seen on the other end of the serving table in a bib eating out of the shrimp pyramid. "Pull up a seat, Pop. You too, Chuckles. I mean, the food ain't great, but the portions are terrific." An angry chef approaches Larry, glaring. "Hey, I'm kiddin', relax. Hey, give my regards to Mrs. Boyardee." Burns is disappointed in Larry's lack of refinement and sends for "the boys at Yale admissions." In Burns' office, a man and woman from Yale Admission go to Mr. Burns' desk to discuss Larry. Burns: Well, did you meet Larry? Man: Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto be "semper fudge." At that point, he told me to [making quotes with fingers] relax. Burns: How were his test scores? Woman: Let's just say this: he spelled "Yale" with a six. -- Y0u mu5t 6e k1dd1ng!, "Burns, Baby Burns" Burns: I see. Well, I -- ooh, you know, I just remembered, it's time for my annual donation. [brings out checkbook and pen] I wonder how much I should give. Man: Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution. [opens book] For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms, 300, a new dormitory, and in Larry's case, we would need an international airport. Woman: Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns. -- Then maybe a stock exchange market, "Burns, Baby Burns" Burns gets ticked off: "Are you mad? I'm not made of airports!" He sends them off, and orders Smithers to summon Larry. Smithers looks at the monitor screen of Sector 7-G and only finds a sign in Larry's chair reading "Gone Drinkin'" Mr. Burns is furious. Homer and Larry are hanging out with the barflies at Moe's. Larry: Everybody go nuts! I'm buying! [to Moe] Hey, Handsome, send the bill to my dad. Moe: Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill. Barnet: [covered with garbage] Yeah, but it was worth it. [belches out a fish skeleton] -- Already exhausted your life supply?, "Burns, Baby Burns" Larry doesn't understand why everyone in town is against his dad, which he compares to a pussycat. To prove his point, he invites Homer over. An awkward silence overshadows the long dining room table where Mr. Burns, Homer and Larry are all having dinner. Homer is making a pig of himself despite the silence, broken by Larry. He asks his dad to make an effort and "make with the yakkety-yak-yak." Burns: You, Foodbag. Do you have a son? Homer: Yes, sir, I do. Burns: And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? Homer: Oh, all the time! Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener... Burns: Fascinating. Good night. -- Milhouse? Fascinating?, "Burns, Baby Burns" Larry: Dad, what's with you tonight? I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here. Burns: I'll tell you what's with me! The humiliation of having a coarse, boorish ignoramus for a son! Homer: [quietly] Uh, I should go. [gets up slowly from his chair, about to go] [returns to the table, pigs up more food for the way home] -- Keep fighting, I'll keep eating, "Burns, Baby Burns" Larry questions his father's love, but Burns slams the door without answering. Homer walks over to Larry to comfort him, while feeding off of a chicken leg. A rejected Larry walks out of Mr. Burns' house with Homer (still eating his chicken leg). Larry: Sheesh, Dad and I, we started out great. But now it's falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle. Homer: It's so unfair. You're everything a dad could hope for. Larry: Yeah, I tell ya, I don't get no regard. No regard at all. No esteem, either. -- Larry Dangerfield, "Burns, Baby Burns" Homer: Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you. And that is a phony kidnapping. Larry: Yeah, right. I don't know. Maybe I should just leave town. Homer: [singing persuasively] Phony kidnapping... Larry: Nah... I know what I gotta do. I gotta clean up my act. No more joking around all the time. No more slacking off at work. And most important, no more booze! [throws down glass of alcohol] I know I can do it. [later...] Burns: [reading a letter] "Your son has been kidnapped." -- Well, almost, "Burns, Baby Burns" [End of Act Two. Time: 13:41] Police officers are busily searching for prints in Mr. Burns' office. Mr. Burns can't believe someone's kidnapped Larry, and won't rest until he's returned. Smithers notes that as recently as two hours ago Mr. Burns wanted him out of his life, but it's the principle of the matter to Mr. Burns, who won't stomach being stolen from--whether it be a Sunday newspaper or Larry. Wiggum: All right, Mr. B. When the kidnappers call with the ransom demand, you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park. Lou: And then down comes the net, right, Chief? Wiggum: Heyyy, I like it! I like it a lot! -- "Burns, Baby Burns" At home, Marge sees the couch missing from the TV room, replaced by a mess of wires. She grunts when she sees the wiring join other wires, all leading to the basement. She continues to follow the lead, up to finds Homer, Bart and Lisa watching TV with Larry inside the basement. Marge: What are you doing in the basement? It's like you're hiding out down here. Homer: Hiding out?? Pfft. Marge, you've been reading too many hideout books. Marge: And what's that hitchhiker doing here? Is every drifter we meet going to move in with us? Homer: Of course not. We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis. -- Practical Homer, "Burns, Baby Burns" Lisa introduces her to Larry. Bart: He's great at pointing out everyone's foibles. Larry: Hey, how're ya doing. Ooh! Look at your hair! What happened? You saw yourself in the mirror? Bart: He's kiddin', Mom. But seriously, I'd love to have hair like yours. I just can't get the zoning permits. Lisa: Hey, that reminds me, Mom; Buckingham Palace called. They want their hat back. [Marge growls] Larry: Hey kids, how about a hand for your Mom? She's all right. [everyone applauds and cheers for Marge] Marge: [more shy than annoyed] Oh, yeah, thank you. -- Open mike night at the Simpsons, "Burns, Baby Burns" Mr. Burns and Smithers are at the police station, where Wiggum scarfs down doughnuts while his band of officers work on tracking down information on tracking maps. The phone rings. Mr. Burns answers. Burns: Ahoy-hoy? Homer: [speaking through a kazoo] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son? Burns: Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately! Homer: If you really love Larry, prove it, and you can have him back today. Burns: Oh, how much proof do you need? 5,000? 6,000? I swear, that's all I've got. Homer: Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money. Burns: More important than money? Who is this? Homer: Uh... [panics, loses control of the phone] Just a second. [hangs up] -- Still better than giving out your name, "Burns, Baby Burns" Wiggum: Beautiful. Eddie, did you trace the phone number? Eddie: Sure did, Chief. Wiggum: [reading paper] 5-5-5... Aw, geez, that's gotta be phony. [discards the number into a fire] -- "Burns, Baby Burns" Everyone's still in the basement. Bart, Lisa, Homer and Larry play cards. Lisa: Hey, I think I got a Pai Gow. Bart: [groans] I hate Pai Gow. Can't we just play Quang Jong? -- Those games they play, "Burns, Baby Burns" Marge becomes impatient and wants to go back upstairs, but Homer hastily objects. On TV, Kent Brockman, saddled in a newschopper, reports that Mr. Burns' son has been kidnapped. Marge is shocked, and doesn't approve more when she learns it's a hoax. Marge: I want you to take Larry back to Mr. Burns right now, before you get in a lot of trouble. Homer: But the.. wh.. Marge! It's broad daylight and there's cops everywhere! Marge: No excuses. Just do it. [Homer reluctantly obeys and takes Larry upstairs] [they walk out the house, to be spotted by Kent's air newsteam] Kent: Of course, we'll bring you updates just as soon as they... Oh! Wait a minute! There they are! [Homer shreaks and both he and Larry break for Homer's car and drive off] Kent: Appearing in broad daylight with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one word for that: idiocy. Marge: [groans] -- Still not tired of being wrong all the time?, "Burns, Baby Burns" Homer recklessly drives Larry and himself to a hiding place. They drive through a narrow alley, throwing off the police. Homer and Larry get out and try to climb the fence. Hanging onto it, the fence breaks forward and slams into the ground. Larry: We've gotta find someplace to hide. Homer: [gasps] The abandoned warehouse! [they enter a dilapidated warehouse] [inside, people are busily working] Homer: D'oh! Stupid economic recovery! -- "Burns, Baby Burns" The next resort is a local costume shop. Moments later, two men dressed in a gorilla and organ-grinder costume exit the shop. The owner of the store catches Homer and Larry sitting fearfully inside the bathroom, and orders them out. Running out of options, Homer declares that they need to find a place that no one would ever go to. Instantaneously, Homer spots a movie theater playing "Too Many Grandmas," starring Olympia Dukakis and Bo Derek. Bo Derek: [v.o.] Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us! -- Homer and Larry watch "Too Many Grandmas," "Burns, Baby Burns" Homer: [chuckles] They'll never look for us here. Larry: Yeah. This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet. Moleman: [behind them] Shh! Some people are trying to watch the movie. Homer: You don't like it, call the cops. [throws popcorn at him] -- Professional hiding-out, "Burns, Baby Burns" Moleman excuses himself out of the auditorium. Soon enough, police cars surround the theater, with one carrying Mr. Burns and Smithers. Kent Brockman does a news report. This is Kent Brockman, live from the Aztec theater, where police have learned that kidnapper Homer Simpson and hostage Larry Burns are inside, talking loudly. -- "Burns, Baby Burns" Worried Marge and Bart and Lisa watch the news coverage. Marge: Oh, give yourself up, Homie! Bart: No, Dad! Shoot your way out! Marge: [grunts at Bart] [On TV, Homer barges through some doors in the theater, and is shot quite graphically through various parts of the body.] All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Kent: A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation. Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs. Lisa: We've gotta go down there and help Dad! [they walk out] [Only heard on TV, Homer is pelted with a barrage of baseballs] Homer: Ouch! Oooch! Eeech! Ouch! Oooch! [whining] Oh, stop it! -- More delightful excerpts from the minds of Channel 6 news, "Burns, Baby Burns" Wiggum, Lou and Eddie prepare to move in for the kill and succeed in making noise merely by walking down the sticky, noisy floor of the auditorium screening Too Many Grandmas. Wiggum spots a bag of popcorn and eats a little of it. "Still warm. They can't be far." "Chief!" calls out Lou, pointing to the exit next to the balcony seat, where Homer is found scaling an escape ladder. The cops run after him, making more noisy sounds from running on the sticky floor. Homer and Larry run across the Aztec neon sign and see below them the swarm of police cars. A projector is directed towards them. Wiggum: Don't be a fool, Simpson! Let the kid go! Burns: [through amplifier] The negotiations have failed. Shoot him! -- Hostage negociation subliminal tapes at work, "Burns, Baby Burns" Wiggum takes the safety off the gun and prepares to shoot when Larry stands in the way of Homer. He explains everything, much to the stupor of the gathering crowd. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. [away from amplifier] Smithers, take off my belt. Smithers: [giddily] With pleasure, sir! -- Don't give out too much clues, now, "Burns, Baby Burns" Homer intervenes. Homer: Maybe we did fake a kidnapping, but is that really such a crime? All your son wanted was a little attention, a little love. I'm a father myself, sir. And sure, sometimes my kids can be obnoxious [Bart glares], or boring [Lisa glares], or stinky [Maggie glares], but they can always count on one thing: their father's unconditional love. -- Lover of all obnoxious boring stinky creatures on Earth, "Burns, Baby Burns" Homer and Larry are taken down by the crane of a fire truck. Homer hugs his wife and kids. Larry: Well, how 'bout it, Pop? I know it's tough, but can you love me for what I am? [cops a smirk] Burns: Uh... well... uh... [hugs Larry] There there, sonny boy. I suppose I have been a bit... Oh, no, I can't do it. It's just not me. I'm sorry, Larry. I can't be the family that you need. Larry: Aw, that's okay. I got a wife and kids. Oh, that reminds me. They're probably wondering where I went. I told 'em I'm going for coffee. That was a week ago. -- "Burns, Baby Burns" Burns: Well, son, delighted to have met you. It's good to know that... there's another kidney out there for me. Larry: You got it, Pop. Just let me run a few pints through it first. -- "Burns, Baby Burns" Larry is given a margarita, and invites everyone to party. The entire crowd cheers, and Journey's "Any Way You Want It" starts playing loudly as everyone starts dancing while drinking a lot of liquor. Lisa: Who's playing that music? Marge: And where's all that liquor coming from? Homer: It's a party, Marge. Doesn't have to make sense. [a Hawaiian lei falls from out of the sky onto Homer's neck] [Homer's handed a drink] Homer: Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, yeah! -- "Burns, Baby Burns" Everyone's partying the night away, dancing on top of cars and dancing the story away as the song plays out through the credits. [End of Act Three. Time: 21:24]


{bb} Benjamin Ball {bjr} Benjamin Jay Robinson {ddg} Don Del Grande {dga} Dale G. Abersold {dn} David Ney {dp2} Dallas Pesola {eh} Eric Hartman {hl} Haynes Lee {jh} Jason Hancock {jm} Joe Manfre {jmb} Jennifer M. Blaske {jn} Joshua Naftalis {ljs} Liam J. Scanlan {mar} Mark Aaron Richey {mc} Michael Chapman {mey} Mary-Ellen Yeomans {msr} Matt Rose {mss} Marge Starbrod-Simpson {pa} Paul Atreides {rb} Ron Bodner {rj} Ryan Johnson {rl} Ricardo Lafaurie

Legal Mumbo Jumbo

This episode capsule is Copyright 1996 Frederic Briere. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material, episode summaries and hunt for copyright infringements on the web remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. The transcript itself is Copyright 1996 Ondre Lombard. Avoid eye contact. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.