[9F14] Duffless

Duffless                                      Written by David M. Stern
						Directed by Jim Reardon
Production Code: 9F14               Original Airdate in N.A.: 18-Feb-93
					  Capsule revision G, 28-May-96


   Homer swears off the Duff for a month after being arrested for
   driving under the influence, while Lisa plans revenge on Bart after
   he ruins her science project.

Opening Sequence


      Goldfish don't bounce


      Maggie is seated as the rest of the family "overshoot the mark"
      and run past the edge of the film and return to the couch. Lisa
      appears and takes her place.  
	(Recycled from 9F02.)

Syndication Notes

The syndicated version of this episode:
    does not contain the blackboard scene
    recycles the couch scene from 1F01.

Did you notice...

Ricardo A. Lafaurie Jr.:   
   ... Lisa appeared magically from nowhere in the couch?
   ... the '70s cookie-cutter music while Bart played with the "Go-Go
   ... the subtle humor in Barney's remark:
	 "Hey, that looks like Princess Di!"
	 "Oh wait, it's just a pile of rags!" i.e, tabloids? get it?
   ... Barney's dazed face after Homer gives him a thrashing?
   ... Lionel Hutz immediately assumed that the judge was male?
	 [Typical sexist attitude, then of course I'm a regular
	  poster to alt.feminism... go fig.]
   ... the woman revoking Homer's license is the female judge from
       1F19 and 3F01?
   ... Ruth Powers at the horrifying video showing? [She's a drunk
   ... Maggie only appears once in the entire episode? [When she gets
       Bart's cupcake]
   ... 4000 days makes it approximately 12 years since Ned drank?
   ... Ned held the bottlecap of his blackberry schnapps?
   ... Bart does a Bart-twitch when he says "Sweet cakes for all"?
   ... Lisa thinks with incorrect grammar?
   ... Bart proved Lisa's science experiment correct by proving that
       hamsters can fly planes?
   ... when Homer crosses off his final dry day, his hand quivers?
   ... Homer and Marge's ever-expanding shadows as they bike into the

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... Ralph seems to have put together a pretty decent science fair
   ... Homer's travails took place on a month with exactly 30 days?

Juha Terho:
   ... how Marge flipped the pancake?
   ... radiation signs everywhere in the plant?
   ... the ID card on the dead worker in sector 7-B?
   ... Duff, Duff Lite and Duff Dry all come from the same pipe? (Duh.)
   ... Barney probably looked up Phil's name from his ID card?
   ... Homer actually says "gulp" instead of gulping?
   ... Bart and Lisa don't carry schoolbooks with them?  (With the
       exception of the math book Lisa fetched, of course.)
   ... how the motorbike cops drove in formation?
   ... how Hans Moleman is shown to us at the meeting (look carefully
       how the camera pans to others and then him)?
   ... Lisa writes very fast?
   ... the liquor store guy looks at his watch?
   ... the freeze-frame joke about Jon Vitti, a Simpsons writer?
   ... how the real science fair ended just like Bart dreamed?
   ... Homer's calendar had no month marked on it?  The month had 30
       days and the first day was Tuesday.

Dave Hall:
   ... Marge wasn't wearing her `trademark' bunny slippers in this
   ... Bart appeared to be ready to eat Lisa's mutant tomato for
   ... the droning sound the marching employees made?
   ... the animal-like sounds in Sector 7-B?
   ... Homer didn't know a single Bible verse?
   ... the rock bounced off the spider?
   ... Homer jumped out of a window that was already smashed?
   ... Homer jump without looking?
   ... Homer bounce off the pavement?
   ... Lisa held her mutant tomato upside down?
   ... Skinner was in shock after being hit with the mutant tomato?
   ... Bart wasn't punished for the tomato incident?
   ... Duff, Duff Lite, and Duff Dry all came from the same pipe?
   ... Homer succeeded in preventing Barney from driving, but probably
       gave him brain damage, too?
   ... Chief Wiggum carelessly leaned on his gun?
   ... Lisa's hamster was sitting in a chair in Lisa's doll house?
   ... during the film, a man swallowed his own vomit?
   ... in Ned's flashback, Ned actually staggered into bed?
   ... Marge pating Homer's hand in coating him to give up beer for a
       month?  (cf. 7F22) [and 7G08 -ed]
   ... the impatient clerk in Homer's flashback?
   ... young Homer presented the ID without being asked?
   ... OFF rolls their toilet paper away from the wall?
   ... the tiny footprint on young Homer's T-shirt?
   ... young Homer was drinking two beers at once?
   ... Bart dropped Lisa's hamster?
   ... Nelson's small arsenal of `squirrel' wasting weapons?
   ... the squirrel-head trophy at Nelson's booth?
   ... Nelson is a bad shot?
   ... Bart got 1st prize without proving the merit of his science
       project?  (Can Hamsters fly airplanes?)
   ... Homer used a Duff Beer calendar to mark the days he didn't
   ... it seemed so strange for Homer to hold a glass of lemonade?
   ... Barney was drinking for both Homer and him at the ball game?
   ... Homer was the only male at P&S's supperware party?
   ... the glee on Marge's face as Homer peddled the bike?



   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Kennedy, Hans)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty, Selma)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (3rd world father, doctor in Duff commercial, Chief
     Wiggum, Lou, pet store clerk, prison guard, Moe)
   - Harry Shearer (Principal Skinner, tour guide, Nixon, Phil, Eddie,
     prison guard, Rev. Lovejoy, Jasper, Otto, announcer, father at

Also Starring

   - Pamela Hayden (3rd world children, female judge, Milhouse)
   - Maggie Roswell (Ms. Hoover, Mrs. Phillips, Maude, Chuck?)
   - Russi Taylor (Martin)

Special Guest Voice

   - Phil Hartman (Lionel Hutz, Troy McClure)
   - Marcia Wallace (Ms. Krabappel)

Vocal Performance

 "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
   Performed by Kipp Lennon

Movie, Music, and other References

+ "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"  {bjr}
    - Homer must negotiate a dangerous tunnel with the help of cryptic
      instructions (cf. Jones in the Holy Grail)
+ The Three Stooges
    - Bart imitates Curly twice, and Moe once
+ Historical references in the various Duff posters:  {jt}
   - Prohibition in the 20's  (Dr. Duff's Health Tonic)
   - Amos and Andy in the early 50's (the Q-Zone commercial)
   - McCarthyism in the 50's  ("I knew he was a COMMIE")
   - JFK vs. Nixon TV debate in 1960 (you know the one)
+ "Bewitched"  {bjr}
    - McMahon and Tate advertising company lifted from this show
+ "The Fly"
    -  Bart-hamster hybrid similar to man-fly hybrid  {bjr}
    - "Help me! Help me!"
+ "Herman's Head"  {bjr}
    - Yeardley Smith had a role on this show [playing Louise -ed]
  `All Creatures Great and Small'  {dh}
    - `All Creatures Great and Cheap' name of the pet store
    - Alc-Anon is a parody on this name
+ "The Can-Can" (Offenbach)
    - Homer "escaping reality" hums this song
+ Coca-Cola adveritsement
    - calendar features a painting of a boy and a girl sipping a glass
      of Duff (Coke) together
+ "A Clockwork Orange" (Kubrick film)
    - the cupcake scene (cf. Alex in the press conference after the
       - the cupcakes = the woman's breasts
       - shot from the floor and above the cupcakes
       - Bart dropping and shuddering (in the movie, Alex choked)
       - similar music
+ Frank Sinatra's "It Was a Very Good Year"
    - Homer sings a parody of this song (When I Was Seventeen)
+ "Around the World in 80 Days"  {bjr}
    - Martin's exhibit is based on this story
+ James Bond movies  {jt}
    - Bart imitating Ernst Blofeld (petting the hamster)
+ Vin Scully {vm}
    - the announcer at the baseball stadium sounds like him
+ Tupperware
    - "Supperware" an obvious parody
+ "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" (Frank Sinatra)
    - the song Homer and Marge sing, carried over into the end

Freeze Frame Fun

Exhibits at the "dream" science fair: {bjr}

     Static Electricity
     How Soap is Made
     What's Inside a Golf Ball
     The Human Brain (which appeared to have an actual brain in a jar!)
     Adventures in Microwaves
     The Go-Go Ray
     [Untitled exhibit featuring one of those "wave" motion sculptures.
     You may have seen these; it's made up of a rectangular glass tube
     partly filled with blue liquid.  The tube rocks back and forth,
     producing waves.]

Settings on the Go-Go Ray and its victims: {bjr} {jt}

      The Jerk      (Mr. Largo)
      Monkey        (Mrs. Krabappel)
      Mashed Potato (Skinner)
      The Swim      (Mrs. Hoover)
      The Freddie   (J. Loren Pryor)

The power plant labyrinth on Homer's map {jt}

 |  \      SECTOR   |  |    N    |   (1)  Skull and crossbones
 |\  \      7-B (1) |  | W -+- E |
 | \  \______       |  |    S    |
 |  \_       ~~~~~~~'  \---------|
 |    ~~~~~~~-------,  __________|
 | If the plant     |  |     ~~| |
 | yee wish to flee |  ||      | |
 | Go to Sector 7-B |  ||  ____  |
 |------------------|  |---------|
 |  _________________  __________|
 |  |               |  |    ~~~~ |
 |  |  ===    ===   |  | ==      |
 |  |         ===   |  |____=____|
 |  |  ===    ===   |   _________|

Duff stuff {jt} {bjr}

>>> Ad posters at the Duff Brewery: {bjr}

     Prohibition got you down?
     Drink Doctor Duff's
     Health Tonic

     I knew he was a Commie
     'cause he didn't drink
     Duff Beer

>>> Duff flavors  {jt}

       Duff (regular)
       Duff Lite
       Duff Dry
       Duff Dark
       Raspberry Duff
       Lady Duff
       Tartar Control Duff
       Duff Gummi Beers

>>> Extra objects in Duff bottles  {jt}

       two mice
       human nose
       bottleneck (of the bottle it was in)
       miniature Blinky (the three-eyed fish)
       the head of Adolf Hitler

Students leaving Springfield Elementary {jt}

      Bart and Lisa
      Sherri or Terri
      Unidentified boy and girl

Students visible after Bart's tomato trick {jt}

      Lisa (comes a little later)
      Three unidentified girls

The little labyrinth in Lisa's dream {jt}

 |  _________     _________|   The lower right corner was
 |  |             |        |   blocked by Lisa's hair.
 |  |  ~~~~~~~~|  '~~~     |
 |--+-------   |-----------|
 |  ___________|           |
 |       |        |     |  |
 |  |~~  |  |  |~~'     |  |
 |  |____|  |  |   -----
 |          |  |

Homer's driver's license: {bjr}, ASCII art by Yours Truly

|            DMV                    SPRINGFIELD                       |
|                               DRIVERS LICENSE                       |
|                                                          CLASSIC    |
|     Expires 5-12-96           C 4 0 4 3 2 4 3                       |
| +---------------------+       Homer J. Simpson                      |
| |        __&__        |       742 Evergreen Terrace                 |
| |       /     \       |       Springfield NT 49007                  |
| |      |       |      |                                             |
| |      M  (.)(_)      |                                             |
| |      G   ----_)     |       Sex: M    Hair: NONE    Eyes: BLUE    |
| |       | |  _ |      |       HT: 6'    WT: 240       DOB: 05-12-56 |
| |       |  \__/       |                                             |
| |      / ____ \       |       (typically sloppy signature)          |
| +---------------------+       07/27/92      SOB/   20/        FD/92 |

The liquor store {jt}

      Vitti's Vodka
      Bourbon $8.00
      Scotch $8.00
      All beers - 1/2 off
      Bonded Blend
      Gin 'n Tonic  [do they mix?]
      Old Pa Scotch
      Jerky 20c

Homer's Fake ID: {bjr}

|+-------------+  Name: McGee, Brian|
||Picture of   |  Sex:  Male        |
||someone who  |  Age:  26          |
||obviously not|  DoB:  8-2-48      |
||Homer        |                    |
|+-------------+                    |

Exhibits at the real thing: {bjr} {jt}

       Evolution?  Teaching Theory As Fact!
       How Gravity Works                             (Milhouse)
       Volcanoes                                     (Chuck)
       The Journeys of Phineas Fogg                  (Martin)
       Wasting Squirrels With B.B. Guns              (Nelson)
       Alcohol Fueled Car                            (Ralph)
       Is My Brother Dumber Than A Hamster?          (Lisa)
       Miracle Of Science: Can Hamsters Fly Planes?  (Bart)

Protest signs on Duff Beer commercial (before soaking): {bjr}

   -  WE ARE

   -   DOWN


Protest signs on Duff Beer commercial (after soaking): {bjr}

   -  GET

   - PARTY

   -   I'M

Signs at the ballpark: {bjr}

       SAFE FROM             CLOTHES |
      1890 - 1986            OBESE AN|
      1988 -                   GENTLE|

Previous Episode References

[References marked with "$" means the scene is cut in syndication  -ed]

- "A Clockwork Orange" is referenced:
  - 7G05: Bart uses the adjectives "terrible, ghastly"
  - 8F17: SLH being strapped by its body and eyes and forced to
	  watch disturbing films while Burns drops things in his eyes
  - 8F18: Bart says "I got a pain in me gulliver" to try to get out
	  of going to school
  - 9F04: Bart dresses up as the malchik Alex
  - 9F14: the cupcake scene = the scene where Alex reaches for the
	  woman's breasts
    (Also, some say that every time Bart talks in a cockney accent it
     is a reference, but I dissent.)
- Hitler appears or is referenced:
  - 7F02: Homer thinks the capital of North Dakota is Hitler [close -
    it's Bismarck -ed]
  - 8F17: Homer says Hitler's dog is one of the dogs in doggie hell
  $ 9F03: Itchy and Scratchy beat up Hitler in a WW2-era cartoon

- [7G04] Marge says "alky-hol" (cf. Moe)
- [7G08], [7F22] Marge does the "hand thing"  {dh}
- [7F05] Signs at the Springfield War Memorial Stadium are the
  same {bjr}
- [7F11] Homer spends some time in the klink
$ [8F06] the pet store where Homer tried to buy a pony
- [8F07] Canadian blackboard scene says "Hamsters cannot fly"
- [8F12], [9F04] Lisa's doll house  {dh}
- [8F13] Nelson aims for the head (blackboard scene)
- [9F03] Bart pets Snowball II smugly in the way he pets the hamster
  here (James Bond ref)
- [9F06] Ruth Powers appears
- [9F07] McMahon and Tate ad company appears
- [9F11] Jub-Jub appears
- [9F11] Hans is 31 years old  {jl}
- [9F13] Skinner's delayed stress syndrome  {dh}
- [7G06], [7F24], [9F05], [9F11], [9F13] Song sung at the end of the 
  episode which carries into the credits {jl}

Animation, Continuity, and other Goofs

+ Skinner says there are no Asian kids in the school -- aren't Sherri,
  Terri, and Richard Asian?  (They certainly look so to me.)

= Pancakes disappears from kitchen table.  {dh}

+ How did Lisa get steroids?  And from whom?  {dh}

+ Homer forgot to wear a tie for work.  {dh}
- The spider's shadow was behind Homer's back.  {dh}

+ Hasn't Homer learnt any Bible verses after everything that happened
  in 7F13 and 9F01?  {jt}
= The rock doesn't appear until Homer needed it.  {dh}

- The screaming, cheering school kids all had closed mouths.  {dh}

= Homer jumps out of the window head first, but landed butt first.  

= Bart throws the tomato upside down, but the tomato landed face up.
= The laughing school kids seem to have appeared out of nowhere.  {dh}

= Where did the crowbar Homer hit Barney with come from?  {jt}

= There were six bike cops behind the billboard, then seven when they
  drove behind Homer and when Homer is pulled over, they change to
  Eddie and Lou with a patrol car!  {jt}

+ Homer had problems touching his nose in 8F01, but now he does it
  perfectly when he's drunk.  ("Alcohol increases your ability to
  touch your nose?  ... False?!  Oh man...")  {jt}
   [I'm unsure if Homer actually _was_ drunk -ed]

= After the police officers handcuff Homer, shot of him saying "D'oh!"
  show him lifting up an arm.

+ If the science fair is three days away, why did Lisa bring her
  mutant tomato to school?

- Mrs. Phillips stands up against Chief Wiggum's desk yet Wiggum
  slipped past her.  {dh}

= Marge's book vanished while she's in bed.  {dh}

= The room where the meeting was held had its door replaced with
  a window.  {dh}

+ The bookshelf never was there before.  {jt}

- In close-up, Brian McGee's photo ID should have been upside down.

+ Lisa doesn't usually have a long-back chair in her bedroom.  {dh}

- Nelson's BB gun makes a cocking sound, yet he hadn't cocked it.

- Lisa heard the crowd cheering Bart's project, but Bart hasn't
  even shown it yet.  {dh}

~ The gruesome twosome are pushing Supperware.  I thought Patty and
  Selma worked at the DMV.

Comments and other observations

"A Clockwork Orange" referenced [courtesy of Jose Lafaurie]

   With yet more scenes connecting Bart to the malchik Alex, in
   "Duffless" it evidently parodies it further.

   In the movie, Alex is arrested after his "drogues" betray him
   and agrees to an experiment which will let him free.  The
   experiment involves strapping him to a chair and making him
   watch films with distrubing amounts of "ultra-violence" and
   "in-out" (the 8F17 reference) which soon makes Alex revolted
   by these things.

   After his treatment, the doctors show him off in a press
   conference, demonstrating by having a man insult Alex and
   making him lick his boot.  And showing a bare-chested woman.
   Alex tried to reach for her breasts, but soon the behavioral
   correction set in and he curled up, gagging.

   Bart reaching for the cupcakes was shot for shot from Kubrick's
   film, (except that Bart shuddered instead of gagged, which IMHO
   would have been funnier) on top of the fact that Lisa's
   experiment caused a "behavioral correction" to Bart.

   BTW, I highly recommend you watch "A Clockwork Orange".  It's
   chock full of laps and lashes of ultra-violence that will make
   the hair on your plot stand on end!  (Hee hee.)

"Half B.F. Skinner and half P.T. Barnum"

   P.T. Barnum is (was?) one half of the famous duo Barnum & Bailey
   Circus.  B.F. Skinner was a famous psychologist, inventor of the
   controversial Skinner box, where he kept a human in an isolated
   box for a period of time (feeding him, of course) to see its effects
   on humans.  (This was also parodied in 7F17)

Lisa and Herman's Head

   In "Herman's Head", Yeardley Smith was an assistant to the main
   character.  Her name was Louise.

Juha Terho relates another joke of the same nature on Herman's Head:
    "In one scene in some episode, Louise, played by Yeardley Smith,
    the voicer of Lisa, asked, `Do you think I sou0nd like that Lisa
    Simpson character on TV?'

Kipp Lennon?

   He also appeared in 7F24, though I am unsure of his role (perhaps
   he ghosted for MJ's singing?).  Might he be related to John

Recycled animation

Juha Terho observes, "The scene of the softball players is stolen
    from 7F05.  . . . The shot of Homer saying "D'oh" after he's
    arrested is clearly from some first or second season show, I'm
    just not sure which one."

Audio changes

Juha Terho tells us, "When the tour guide is presenting the second
    TV commercial, he says:  "We're proud of all our Duff Beer
    commercials, but here's a very special one from 1960."  Watch
    closely the mouth movement and the audio.  The lip sync is totally
    off!  Any lip-readers out there?"

Anabolic steroids wiping out world hunger

Juha Terho says, "The thing that makes the anabolic steroid joke
    funny is that Lisa says that the tomato could wipe out world
    hunger.  Actually, anabolic steroids can make you sterile.
    (Perhaps Lisa was right!  Less people, less hunger.)"


Juha Terho observes the multiple references of "potato(e)".  "Remember
    how Bart's science experiment in 7F08 was `still just a potatoe'?
    [it appeared again in 8F24 -ed]  And the extra blackboard of 7F01
    shown only on the third airing of the episode in USA?  `It's
    potato, not potatoe".

    Now, Bart's new science experiment (in his dream) says `Mashed
    potato'.  Way to go, Bart!"

Homer's I.D. card and his age

Juha Terho says, "Brian McGee's age was 26 (why on Earth was the age
    on the I.D. card if there was a date of birth, too?) and he was
    born on August 2, 1948.  1948+26 equals 1974.  If Homer was 17...
    1974-17 equals 1957, which would be the year of Homer's birth.
    In 7F02, it was 1955 and in this episode in Homer's drivers
    licence, it is 1956.  They just can't decide.

    "Homer's age in the present time has always been 36 (in 9F02,
    for example).  1957+36 equals 1993.  Well, at least that is
    correct, according to the first airing of this episode."

The age of the power plant

Juha Terho observes, "The ancient map and the skeleton leave me
    wondering how old the plant is.  First, nuclear plants are not
    older than 50 years.  Secondly, in 7F12, we see that the power
    plant is not there yet, as Homer talks with his counselor.  `A
    new power plant is opening here soon...' And that happened in the
    year 1974.

    "But when we think about it, how is it possible that Jack Marley,
    as Burns said, has provided "45 years of faithful service" at
    the plant in 9F05?  (I know, Burns' recollection of years is not
    too good.  In 7F02, he says that he is 81 years old, and still,
    he flashbacks to the year 1909 in 9F15.)"


Juha Terho says strychnine is an extremely poisonous alkaloid.  Causes
    convulsions.  "(Mmm... shrimp.)"

Simpsons' address

Jose Lafaurie notes that this is an inconsistency with many episodes.
    "Blood Feud" and "Bart the Lover" gave the address as 94 Evergreen
    Terrace (no state), while "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington" gave the
    address as 59 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield, TA (which there is
    no such state.)"

    "New Kid on the Block" gave the address as 1094 Evergreen Terrace,
    which is a little closer to the one given here.  The address given
    in "Kamp Krusty", 430 Spalding Way, didn't even give the same
    street name (though many note that this is a reference to a not-
    so-popular actor Spalding Gray).

    Also, according to "Homer's Triple Bypass", Snake lives at 742
    Evergreen Terrace.  And unless the Simpsons are taking in another
    surrogate neighbor (and I doubt after the Otto experience they'd
    want to do such a thing) they could not live there.

Others note that the state is NT.  There is no such state, but it is
    the postal abbreviation for Northern Territory in Australia.
    However, it's not populated enough.  (There is an interesting
    hypothesis in Dave Hall's "Where is Springfield?" List about
    this, though.)

However, Matt Groening had the final say.  He said that the Simpson's
    address is indeed 742 Evergreen Terrace, being in honor of the
    street he grew up in as a kid.  As for Springfield, that remains
    an enigma best left unanswered.

Hans Moleman

Jose Lafaurie also notes that in "Selma's Choice", Hans' birthdate
    was given as August 2, 1961, which is around 31 years old.  "Whew.
    When I saw it on Selma's Choice it gave me kind of a shock!"

Miscellaneous ref

Amos and Andy... the most racist show in town.


Juha Terho (still just a tomatoe):

	Pros:  * Uses big words.
	       * Dislikes the boy.
	       * Well-groomed.
	       * Tons of great lines.

	Cons:  * Technically more than poor.
	       * Bart's stupidity is totally out of character for him.
	       * Unrealistic at places, and somehow `empty'.
	       * Not "Duffless".  "Plotless".
	       * Possible Homer Sexual.

	No grade for this one.

Benjamin Robinson - The Lisa vs. Bart subplot was kind of superfluous
    (and the ending a bit contrived), but this was a solid episode 
    overall.  Homer's struggle with temptation was hilarious, and I 
    loved the tour of the Duff Brewery.

Yours Truly - This is one of the few episodes that earns an A+ in my
    book. True classic form, from Bart wrecking Lisa's project to Homer
    getting off the Duff to Lisa's experiment.  A subplot that didn't
    bite.  And a classic line: "What a terrible waste... Hi, I'm Troy
    McClure!"  And the hilarity of the supperware scene: "Don't be
    scared, Jub Jub... it's Mommy!", "I'd kill everyone..."
    "Duffless" is a classic.

Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr} {dh} {jt}

[Syndication cuts and timings are marked in curly braces {} and come
thanks to the good people at Frederic Briere.  Well, actually, only
one person.]

It's science fair time again!  Principal Skinner seems pleased with
this year's crop of exhibits.

For a school with no Asian kids I think we put on a pretty darn good
science fair.
-- Principal Skinner, "Duffless"

Skinner happens upon Bart's science project, a "Go-Go" Ray.  Bart
demonstrates, and fires the ray, which is set on Mashed Potato, at
Skinner.  Sure enough, he uncontrollably begins doing the Mashed
Potato.  He sets the beam to "The Monkey" and zaps Ms. Krabappel.
"Can't... stop... doing... the monkey!"

I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it!
-- Skinner loves Bart's "Go-Go Ray", "Duffless"

Skinner awards him first prize... first prize... first prize...
The scene fades to reveal Bart is still in bed.

Lisa: [echoic from Bart's dream] First prize! First prize! First prize!
Bart: Why are you saying that?
Lisa: Just screwing with your mind.  [Laughs and runs off]
-- Sibling rivalry, "Duffless"

Meanwhile, Homer and Marge prepare for another busy day.

Marge: [making up a batch of pancakes] Homer, I want you to encourage
       Lisa with her science fair project.
Homer: [pouring syrup on a newly minted stack of pancakes] Yeah, syrup
       is better than jelly.
-- Homer's own science project, "Duffless"

Lisa: [showing off a tomato the size of a beach ball] I've grown a
      futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids.
Bart: The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of
Lisa: The very same.
-- "Duffless"

Lisa imagines a 3rd world family cutting up and giving out slices
of tomatoes freely, with a shrine devoted to Lisa.  Bart's science
project investigates the effects of smoking on dogs, but Marge
doesn't like the idea.

	Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the
	       Duff Brewery tour.
	Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Homer's brain: Heh, heh, heh.  They don't suspect a thing.
		[camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say
	       Well, off to the plant.
	Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's brain: Uh, oh.  Did I say that or just think it?
	Homer: [panicky] I've got to think of a lie fast!
	Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
	Homer: Aah! [Runs off]
-- Brain before mouth?, "Duffless"

Homer rolls into the plant at nine.  The employees file cattle-like
through the entrance.  When one hapless worker bends down to tie his
shoe, the guard encourages him to move on with a well-aimed kick to
the rear.  Homer reads a tattered map: "If the plant ye wish to flee,
go sector 7-B." Homer ducks through the door to sector 7-B.  On the
other side is a long, dark tunnel with many pipes running along the
ceiling.  Moving intrepidly down the tunnel, Homer is started when he
bumps into a skeleton.  Before he has much time to contemplate what
fate befell that guy, a huge purple spider appears.  Homer consults
his map: "To remove the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse."
But he is stuck at "Thou shalt not..." and simply throws a rock at
it, knocking it out, and leaps out the window.  Outside the plant,
Barney waits for Homer in his car.  There is a mattress tied to the
roof, presumably to cushion Homer's fall.

Hey!  That looks like Princess Di.
 [drives forward a few feet. Homer slams into the ground just behind
  the car]
Aw, wait, it's just a pile of rags.
-- Barney, "Duffless"

Class at Springfield Elementary lets out for the day.  Lisa is still
hauling around the tomato.

   Lisa: Oh Bart, I forgot my math book.  Could you hold this for me,
   Bart: [Curly-esque] Why, sointantly!  Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
	  [takes the tomato from Lisa]
Skinner: [walks past Bart, then stops]  Whoops!  Shoe's untied.
	  [bends over to tie it]
	 Over, under, in and out, that's what shoe tying's all about.
-- "Duffless"

Bart resists temptation -- for maybe two seconds.  Then he hurls the
tomato at Skinner.  He looks up from his shoe-tying to see the tomato
making a beeline for his bottom.  The scene goes into slow-motion as
Skinner yells "Noooooooooooooooooo!".  The tomato hits its target,
splattering free goo all over everyone.  Everyone laughs, except for
a certain student who removes with her math book.  "BAAAART!"

Homer and Barney make it to the Duff Brewery.  An automaton of a
couch potato whirls out of the Duff Brewery clock and burps three
times.  A tour guide greets Homer, Barney and other tourists.

   Guide: Welcome to the Duff Brewery.  Well, I'm sure that all of you
	  have heard the rumors that a batch of Duff was contaminated
	  with strychnine.
Tourists: No.  Strychnine?  That's news to me.
   Guide: Are you sure?  Everyone's talking about it; it was even on
	  CNN last night.
Tourists: CNN?  Whoah.
   Guide: [dismissing] Well, it's not true.
-- Take my word for it, "Duffless"

The tourists walk inside and pass {a sign depicting the Prohibition
era and} a sign from the McCarthy era.

A Duff Beer commercial from the 1950's shows a cartoon doctor
pointing at a crude diagram of a stomach.

   Doctor: Only Duff fills your "Q zone" with pure beer goodness.
	    [the letters G-O-O-D-N-E-S-S tumble down into the
	    [the commercial cuts to a shot of the doctor]
	   So drink up -- and up -- and up!
	   [the cartoon doctor literally takes off, like a rocket]
Announcer: Duff Brewery -- proud sponsors of Amos and Andy!
-- A Duff Beer commercial from the 1950's, "Duffless"

Another early Duff Beer commercial depicts the Kennedy-Nixon
Presidential debate of 1960.

    Nixon: Well I would suggest, Mr. Vancouver, that if you knew the
	   President that, that was just a facetious remark.
Announcer: And now a word from our sponsor.
  Kennedy: I would like to take this opportunity to announce my
	   fondness for, ah, Duff Beer.  [audience cheers]
    Nixon: I'd also like to express, er, my fondness for that
	   particular beer.
	    [audience grumbles]
-- A Duff Beer commercial from 1960, "Duffless"

The man never drank a Duff in his life.
-- Homer watches the Duff Beer commercial from 1960 featuring Nixon,

The tour group visits the room where beer is stored.

Here we have, Duff, Duff Light, and our newest flavor, Duff Dry.
 [camera pulls back to reveal that all three vats are fed by a common
-- The Duff Brewery tour guide, "Duffless"

Guide: What does the future hold for us?  Heh.  Let's just say we have
       a few ideas up our sleeve.
Homer: Like what?
Guide: Um, I'd rather not get into it right now.
Homer: Why not?
Guide: All right, we don't have any ideas for the future.  We got
       nothing.  Happy?
Homer: [whiny] No.
-- So much for innovation, "Duffless"

Meanwhile, at the Simpson household, Marge tries to comfort her
daughter.  Lisa bemoans her fate, crying that the science fair is in
three days.  Marge suggests running a hamster through a maze.  Lisa
imagines a hamster doing just that.  The hamster's head is replaced
with that of Bart, and the hybrid creature promptly gets stuck,
crying, "Help me!  Help meee!"  Lisa laughs wickedly

 Lisa: [laughs wickedly]
Marge: What's so funny?
 Lisa: Oh, uh ... I was just thinking of a joke I saw on Herman's Head.
	[laughs nervously]
-- A _funny_ joke?, "Duffless"

The Duff Brewery tour rolls on.  The next stop is the quality control
department.  The guide introduces the quality control man, Phil, who
analyzes several cans of Duff on a conveyour belt.  Barney tells Phil
that he's doing a great job and Phil thanks him while some less-than-
wonderful bottles of Duff go by.

The tour concludes in a beer tasting room, complete with the
old-fashioned wooden casks.

 Homer: {Mmmmm, Gummi Beers.} [eats one]  Hey, Barney, I think you've
	had enough.
Barney: [lying on a bench under one of the beer taps] Are you crazy?
	We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar
	Control Duff, ohhh.
	 [passes out]
-- Mmmm, toothpastey beer, "Duffless"

Homer and Barney leave the brewery.  On the way out, they pass one of
those signs that can periodically rotate to display more than one
message.  The first message on the sign warns against the perils of
drinking and driving.  The second message depicts two men in front of
a car, with the slogan, "It's always time for Duff."

 Homer: Barney, give me your keys.  You're too drunk to drive.
Barney: I'm fine.
 Homer: OK, you leave me no option.  [punches Barney]
Barney: Ow!  What was that for?
 Homer: I'm trying to knock you out.
	 [tries a little harder -- with a tire iron]
Barney: Ow!  Cut it out.
	 [Homer tries slamming Barney's head in the car door]
	Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow!
	All right, here, take the keys.  [hands Homer the keys]
-- A head of stone, "Duffless"

Homer and Barney drive out of the brewery parking lot.  On the way
out, they pass a mascot dressed as a giant beer stein.  It turns out
that the mascot is actually Chief Wiggum on a stake-out.  He talks
into his wallet, I mean, radio: "Look alive, boys -- a couple of
stewed prunes heading your way."

A phalanx of motorcycle cops peels out from behind a billboard.
Homer sees them, and pulls over.

 Homer:  [standing on one foot and singing "The Alphabet Song"]
	W, X, Y, and Z.  Now I know my ABCs, won't you come and play
	with me.
 Eddie: Flawless.
   Lou: We also would have accepted, "tell me what you think of me."
 Eddie: Well, I guess your free to...
Barney: Give him the breathalyzer!
 Homer: Huh?
	 [Eddie sticks it in Homer's mouth.  It beeps]
   Lou: You're under arrest!
 Homer: D'oh!
-- What if that thing's broken...?, "Duffless"

Wiggum, still in the stein suit, lets Barney drive home. "Think you
can get this car home?" "Sure thing, giant beer."  Barney backs
the car into Wiggum, and he falls down an incline, rolling into a
hill.  He screams, but then settles down. "This is kinda fun!"  He
"whee"s excitedly... until the stein explodes when it hits a tree.

[End of Act One.  Time: 7'42" {7'34"}]

Marge gets a surprise phone call at home.

 Marge: Hello?
Wiggum: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news.  Your husband was found
 Marge: Oh, my God!  He's dead?
Wiggum: Oh, wait.  I mean DWI.  Heh, heh, heh.  I always get those two
	mixed up.  [hangs up phone]
	 [at that moment, a lady arrives at the police station]
 Woman: My name's Mrs. Phillips.  You said my husband's DWI.
Wiggum: [stalling] Uhhhh, why don't you talk to that officer over
	there.  I'm going out to lunch.
-- Bad cops, bad cops, "Duffless"

In the Springfield jail, crack attorney Lionel Hutz lays out his plan
to spring Homer.

       [to Homer, in jail]
Hutz: Don't worry, Homer, I've got a foolproof strategy to get you out
      of here -- surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the
      last.  I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him.
       [camera pulls back to reveal Hutz is in the cell next to Homer]
 Cop: [bangs bars with nightstick] Pipe down in there, Hutz.
-- Couldn't we go for in forma pauperis?, "Duffless"

Homer has his day in court.

Judge: Your license is hereby revoked, and I'd like you to attend
       traffic school and two months of Alc-Anon meetings.
Homer: Your honor, I'd like that stricken from the record.
Judge: No.
-- Speedy trials, "Duffless"

Lisa attempts to procure a subject for her new experiment at the pet

 Lisa: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
Clerk: OK.
	[reaches into a box of hamsters under the counter and randomly
       selects one]
       Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D.
 Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries?
Clerk: Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.
 Lisa: Aw, C'mon.
Clerk: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?
-- Lisa gets a hamster for her project, "Duffless"

The next morning, Homer goes off to work.  Despite his lack of a
valid driver's license, we see him at the wheel of his car.  Marge
tells him to have a good day, and Homer goes off... on Lisa's bike.
Nelson passes by, popping a wheelie and laughing in his face.  Homer
bemoans his fate, but discovers a little ringing bell and enjoys it.

The great experiment begins.

Lisa: [writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question:
      is my brother dumber than a hamster?
Bart: Hey Lis, look what I can do!
       [inserts fist into mouth, but discovers he can't retract it]
      Mmmph -- doggone it.
-- Are you sure you don't already know?, "Duffless"

The first test explores the subject's ability to acquire food.  In a
miniature room filled with dollhouse furniture, Lisa places a hamster
food pellet on top of a bookcase.  The hamster notices it's out of
reach, and drags a couch over.  Then he climbs on it and retrieves
the pellet. "Remarkable," Lisa observes.  Now we repeat the
experiment with Bart.  In this case, a cupcake is set on the top
shelf of the bookcase.  (An actual bookcase, silly, not the dollhouse
one.)  Bart, on his daily rounds, walks by.

Stupid books -- hey, a cupcake!
-- Bart passes by the bookcase, "Duffless"

Bart attempts to climb the bookcase to get it, but the plan fails.
The bookcase topples over, pinning Bart.  Maggie walks by and, without
breaking stride, picks up the cupcake.  Lisa notes with glee,
"Hamster 1, Bart 0."

Cut to the next experiment, which Lisa is about to explain for us.
The food is connected to a mild electrical current.  The hamster
tries to eat the food, but is promptly zapped.  He reels back in fear.

The hamster has learned a valuable lesson:  beware the hand of man.
-- Lisa's science project, "Duffless"

Bart's turn again.  A cupcake is connected to the mild electrical
current.  There's even a sign that says, "Do not touch."  Bart
sees the cupcake.  Bart sees the sign.  He tosses it aside and goes
for the cupcake.  He gets shocked.  Imitating Moe (not the bartender)
"Wiseguy, eh?".  He tries again, and slaps himself like Curly.  He
tries once more.  "Ow." Again. "Ow." Again. "Ow."  Lisa once again
takes score.  "Hamster 2, Bart 0"

Homer attends traffic school.  Chief Wiggum prepares to show a
gruesome film.

Wiggum: Now if any of you ever think of drinking and driving again,
	this film will scare the pants off of you.
	{[shows movie, but it's of Wiggum in Speedos, in a kiddie pool]}
 Woman: {Aaah!}
Wiggum: {Guys, guys, this is the wrong movie.}
-- "Duffless"

{"Oh, wait a second, I do something really funny here."  The film
shows him soaking his wife with a hose.  She doesn't seem to think
it's really funny. Neither does anyone else in the audience.}

{Wiggum laughs, but groans when he notices no one agrees with him.}
Eventually, they get the correct film threaded up.  The camera pans
from a recent accident scene to Troy McClure.

[downcast] What a terrible waste.  [perks up] Hi!  I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me from such driver's ed films as "Alice's
Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry
Leadfoot."  For the next sixty minutes, we'll be seeing actual film of
car crash victims.
-- Troy McClure introduces himself, "Duffless"

The footage is shown.  Everyone in the audience seems horrified (one
guy almost loses his lunch) except Homer.

Here's an appealing fellow -- in fact, they're a-peeling him off the
-- McClure narrates a driver's ed film, "Duffless"

It's funny 'cause I don't know him.
-- Homer watches footage of actual car crash victims, "Duffless"

Homer arrives for his court-ordered Alc-Anon meeting.

  Homer: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
Lovejoy: Mm-hm.  Third door on your left.
	  [Jasper walks up]
	 Coping with senility?
 Jasper: [gruff] No.  I'm here for Microwave Cookery.  No, wait.
	 Coping with senility.
-- At the Community Center, "Duffless"

Ned Flanders is the first to speak at the meeting.

  Ned: My name is Ned.
  All: Hello, Ned!
  Ned: It's been 4,000 days since my last drink.  It was my first --
       and last -- blackberry schnapps.
	[flashback of Ned and Maude in bed]
Maude: Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today?
  Ned: [climbing into bed] Ann Landers is a boring old biddy!
Maude: [gasps] Ned!
	[back to reality (BTR)]
  Ned: [sobbing] I was more animal than man!
-- Ned Flanders at the Alc-Anon, "Duffless"

My name is Otto, I looove to get blotto.
-- Otto introduces himself at the Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

My name is Hans.  Drinking has ruined my life.  I'm 31 years old!
-- Hans Moleman introduces himself at the Alc-Anon meeting,

My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the courts made me come.
-- Homer introduces himself at the Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
  Homer: Aaah!  [jumps out the window]
-- The Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

Homer and Marge prepare to retire for the evening.

Homer: ...so they say I might have a problem.
	[finishes brushing his teeth, and polishes off a bottle of that
       wonderful Duff]
Marge: [reading from a pamphlet entitled, "Is Your Spouse a Souse?"]
       Homey, do you ever drink alone?
Homer: Does the Lord count as a person?
Marge: No.
Homer: Then yes.
Marge: Do you need a beer to fall asleep?
Homer: Thank you, that'd be nice.
Marge: Do you ever hide beer around the house?
Homer: Do I ever!
	[fetches a beer from its hiding place in the toilet tank, and
       takes a swig] Ahhhh.
Marge: Do you ever drink to escape from reality.
Homer: [looks in the mirror and imagines himself as a big muscular guy]
	[to "Can-Can"] Duhh, duh duh duh duh duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh
       duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh...
Marge: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer: You name it.
Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer: You got it.  No deer for a month.
Marge: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer: .... Deer.
Marge: Please, Homey, I know you can do this.
Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
	[puts the light out.  We can hear the sound of a can popping
Marge: What was that noise?
Homer: I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."
-- "Duffless"

[End of Act Two.  Time: 13'53" {13'25"}]

Marge asks Bart to get the cupcakes.  Agitated and his eyes
dysfunctional, Bart says "Cupcakes, cupcakes; yes, sweet cakes for
all!", and enters the kitchen.  Eerie music plays as Bart slowly
reaches for them, then drops to the floor and shudders in a fetal
position.  Homer, not noticing, gets a six-pack of beer and pours it
down the drain.

Homer: Well beer, we've had some great times...
	[singing to "It was a Very Good Year"]
	When I was 17,
	I drank some very good beer.
	I drank some very good beer
	I purchased with a fake ID
	My name was Brian McGee
	I stayed up listening to Queen
	When I was 17.
-- "Duffless"

The next day, Bart discovers Lisa's experiment journal on her desk
and leafs through it.  He is most displeased.  "I'm gonna crush her
like this pellet", he promises, but it proves more difficult than
he expected.

Later that day, Lisa goes to update her experiment journal, only to
notice that it is gone.

Lisa: [Frantically looks for it] Oh, oh!
Bart: Looking for something? [petting the hamster]
Lisa: What have you done with my report? [goes to look for it]
Bart: I've hidden it.  To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of
      clues, each more fiendish --
Lisa: [finds it] Got it!
Bart: D'oh!
-- Great plan, Bart, "Duffless"

It's science fair time!  (For real.)  Springfield's student body
shows off the fruits of their scientific labor.

Milhouse: Behold gravity in all its glory!
	   [pushes a Slinky down an inclined 2-by-4.  It goes one step,
           then stops]
    Edna: Pretty lame, Milhouse.
-- Milhouse's science project, "Duffless"

{Milhouse isn't the only kid having problems.}

Chuck: {Can I touch it?}
  Dad: {I've worked too long and hard on this for you to screw it up
Chuck: {But it's got my name on it.}
  Dad: {Just stand over there!
	[kid walks off screen]
       Over there!}
-- You can't enjoy it on as many levels as I can, "Duffless"

{Martin tries his hand at scientific enlightenment.}

Martin: {Behold the flying machine that will car me, Phineas Fogg,
	around the world in eighty days.}
Nelson: {[shoots Martin's balloon] Dang!  I was aiming for his head.}
-- Martin Prince's science project, "Duffless"

Homer spots Ralph Wiggum's exhibit:  A little alcohol-fueled car
running on a circular track.  He's trying not to think about beer.
He imagines himself at a gasohol pump, alternately pumping gasohol
into his car and himself. "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one
for me." BTR, Homer gives one of his lusty "Ohhhh"s (with the drool
hanging out.)

At Lisa's exhibit....

Marge: I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.
 Lisa: Please, mother, its purely in the interests of science.
	[thinking] That'll learn him to bust my tomater.
-- Revenge is a dish best served cold a la gazpacho, "Duffless"

Lisa's revenge is interrupted the hub-bub surrounding one of the
other exhibits.  She slips through the crowd to see the cause of all
the fuss.  It is Bart, wearing a circus barker costume and standing
in front of his exhibit.

Step right up, folks!  We'll answer the question that's been
plaguing scientists for ages:  Can hamsters fly planes?
-- Bart's science project, "The Simpsons"

Bart reveals Lisa's hamster in WW I aviator goggles and scarf,
sitting in a model plane.  The crowd "aww"s at its hideous cuteness.
Lisa protests. "But this project has no scientific merit!"  The crowd
tells her to take a hike.  "Sour grapes."

Every good scientist is half B. F. Skinner and half P. T.
-- Principal Skinner, on Bart's project, "Duffless"

Without looking at any of the other exhibits, Skinner awards Bart's
project first prize.

Homer marks off his first alcohol-free day ("One down, 29 to go")
and watches a little TV.  Unfortunately, it's one of the omnipresent
Duff ads.  This one features a group of women leading an anti-sexism
protest.  A pair of beer delivery men look on, bemused.

   Women: Down with sexism!  Down with sexism!
   Man 1: Look at all those feminists.
   Man 2: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
	   [they both reach for bottles of beer, shake them up, and
          spray the foam on the protesters.  This magically turns
          them into bikini-clad party animals.  (Kids, don't try that
          at home.)]
Both Men: Yeah!  Yes!  All right!
-- A Duff Beer commercial, "Duffless"

TV, have you turned on me, too?
-- Homer, "Duffless"

Homer tries to take his mind off his troubles at the ball park, where
he is the only person in the stands not drinking.

Announcer: ...the windup and a 2-2 pitch.  Oh, no, wait a minute, the
	   batter is calling for time.  Looks like he's going to get
	   himself a new bat.  And now there's a beach ball on the
	   field, and the balls boys are discussing which one of them's
	   going to go get it.
    Homer: [only one not drinking] I never realized how boring this
	   game is.
-- A rude awakening, "Duffless"

At home, Homer marks his 15th dry day.  He notices he's lost weight.
{Later, Homer attends Patty and Selma's home utensil party.}

Patty: {Thank you all for coming.  We've got some very interesting new
       developments in the field of Supperware.}
Selma: {Uh, huh.  This is the 128-ounce tub.  You can fit your whole
       head in it. [demonstrates and looks at Jub-Jub]  Don't be scared
       Jub-jub; it's momma.}
Homer: {[sotto voce] I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of
       sweet beer.}
-- "Duffless"

Homer attends another Alc-Anon meeting.

Lovejoy: So Homer, pleas feel free to tell us anything.  There's no
	 judgment here.
  Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the
	 football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Lovejoy: I cast thee out!
-- You remember Matthew 21:17, "Duffless"

Homer rides along on Lisa's bike, trying not to think about beer.
He sees a Duff billboard of a scantily clad woman next to a beer
bottle ("You know you want it") and Homer turns sharply to avoid
looking at it.  He stops at a railroad crossing, where he sees that
the train rolling past is carrying several boxcars' worth of Duff.
The wheels even seem to be saying "Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-
lug"...  Homer turns away from the railroad and bikes straight into
an empty can of Duff which sends him off his bike looking skyward.
A zeppelin flies overhead, with a marquee reading "Surrender to Duff"
and releases a payload of Duff Bottles. "Nooo!!!!"

Despite all of that, he makes it.  Shuddering, Homer crosses off the
last day of the month.

Homer: Thirty days.
Marge: I'm proud of you, Homey.
Homer: Marge, I'm going to Moe's.  Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm
       coming back loaded.  [kisses Marge good-bye]
-- "Duffless"

Marge: Mmmm.  You don't have to start drinking right away.  I waas
       thinking we could go for a bike ride.
Homer: But Marge, the barflies are expecting me.  Larry, and Barney,
       and that guy who calls me Bill.
Marge: But you look better, you don't sweat when you eat any more, and
       look -- [holds up a wad of cash] you've saved more than a
       hundred dollars.  I found it in your pants.
Homer: [snatches money] Yoink!
Marge: Mmmm.
-- "Duffless"

Homer arrives at Moe's.

     Moe: Well, well.  Look who it is, Mr. "I Don't Need Alky-hol to
	  Enjoy Life."  We hate him, right fellas?
Barflies: [grumble]
   Homer: Moe, give me a beer.
     Moe: Hey everybody, Homer's back.
Barflies: [grumbles]
-- Who cares?, "Duffless"

Moe pours Homer a glass of that wonderful Duff.  Homer lifts it to
his lips, but hesitates to drink it.  He eyes the poor, pathetic
barflies around him: Larry, Smitty (collapsed), and Barney (who
burps).  Then he looks at Moe.

   Moe: C'mon, Homer, do it for your old pal Moesy.
Barney: But Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of --
   Moe: [strikes Barney] Pipe down, rub-a-dub!
-- Moe pushes Homer to get back to alkyholism, "Duffless"

 Homer: [setting the glass on the bar] Put it in the fridge Moe, I got
	a date with my wife.
   Moe: You'll be back!  [points at various customers] And so will you.
	And you.  [points at camera] And you.
	 [he points at Barney]
Barney: Of course I'll be back.  If you didn't close, I'd never leave.
-- Moe fails to get Homer back to alkyholism, "Duffless"

Homer and Marge go on that bike ride, after all.  They sing along to
"Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" as they bike into the sunset.

[End of Act Three.  Time: 21'11" {19'55"}]

Instead of the usual closing theme music, "Raindrops Keep Falling on
My Head" (as sung by Kipp Lennon) keeps playing.

      (instrumental continues for ~10 seconds)
     It won't be long before happiness steps up to greet me
       . . .
     Raindrops keep falling on my head
     But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red
     Crying's not for me, 'cause
     I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
     Because I'm free, nothing's worrying me.

The sound effect for the Gracie Films logo is replaced by a bicycle
bell being rung twice, followed by Homer giggling.


 {dh} - Dave Hall
 {jl} - Jose Lafaurie
 {vm} - Veronica Marquez
{bjr} - Benjamin J. Robinson
 {jt} - Juha Terho

Legal crud

The above compilation of observations, quote summaries, statistics, and
other miscellaneous information copyright 1996 Chips-Fey Productions.
Not to be used in a public forum without explicit permission from the
author (Ricardo Lafaurie Jr.) or his brother Jose Lafaurie.

Any quoted material above remains property of the original authors;
mainly, quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The
Simpsons, and copyright to Twentieth Century Fox.  The compilation is
what I did.  So don't sue.

This capsule is dedicated to the memory of Doris Grau.  May her raspy,
harsh Yiddish voice live on in us all.