The Ralph Wiggum File

Originally by Jordan Eisenberg
Contributions from Shlomo Vachman

(06/2010) This file is currently not maintained. If you wish to maintain this, please contact

"The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph."
-- Miss Hoover, "I Love Lisa (9F13)"

Who is Ralph?
Lisa's 8-year-old classmate, Ralph Wiggum, is the unintentional class clown of Springfield Elementary. He is the son of Chief Wiggum, the equally absent-minded, bumbling police officer, and has a reputation for saying things both irrelevent and unintelligent. He is known to have a crush on Lisa, and has an imaginary leprechaun friend who occasionally tells him to start fires.

Episodes Based Around Ralph
9F13I Love Lisa
5F13This Little Wiggy
BABF13Bart to the Future (almost)

Ralph Speaks His Mind
7F19"What's lime disease?"
"Does that mean you're crazy?
8F03"I'm going to eat chocolate 'til I barf!"
8F06"Yes, but what man can tame her?"
8F12"And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life."
8F24"He's still funny, but not 'ha-ha' funny."
9F13"My parents won't let me use scissors."
"So, do"
"It says 'I Choo-choo-choose You,' and there's a picture of a train!"
"The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there."
9F18"What's a battle?"
1F04"You're deceptive."
1F05"Wheee! ...ow, I bit my tongue!"
1F08"I'm Idaho."
1F17"My cat's name is mittens"
"What's a diorama?"
"I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids!"
"I bent my wookie."
"My cat's breath smells like cat food."
1F18Ralph: "Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent."
Miss Hoover: "Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?"
Ralph: "He was going to the bathroom."
"Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office."
1F22"Ow, my face is on fire!"
"Somebody took my juice money!"
2F05"I won! I won!"
"Me fail English? That's unpossible."
2F07"Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove."
2F12"I'm a boy!"
2F14[at "tethered swimming"] "I don't feel right."
2F16Ralph: "Miss Hoover? The floor is shaking."
Miss Hoover: "Ralph, remember the time you thought the --"
     [gusher explodes through the ceiling, taking Ralph with it]
3F02"Um, hi, Bart. I know you from school."
3F03"Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!"
"When I grow up, I'm going to bovine university!"
3F05"I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant."
3F22"Was president Lincoln okay?"
3G04"That is sooo 1991."
"My neck hurts and my ear hurts. I have two owwies."
4F06"I'm pedaling backwards!"
"I heard a Frankenstein lives there!"
4F07"Hi, Lisa! We're going to be in a pie!"
4F09"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me."
4F12"My knob tastes funny."
4F13"I dress myself!"
4F14"I think I wet my bed."
4F20"Daddy, these rubber pants are hot."
"Look, big daddy, it's regular daddy."
4F21"Maybe she drove to the moon."
4F23"Which one is oral?"
"No, Miss Hoover, I'm Ralph."
"Which one is one?"
"Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school."
"Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty."
"When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar."
4F24"But you're suffering!"
5F02"Bye, witches! Thanks for not eating me!"
5F03"I'm special!" (twice)
You're going to heaven!"
5F05Ralph: "Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants."
Chief Wiggum: "Just relax and it'll come, son."
5F11"Go, banana!"
"I ated the purple berries"
"It tastes like ... burning"
5F13"I found a moon rock in my nose!"
"Hey, I know you, my daddy took your beer."
"Your hair is tall, and pretty!"
"Help! She's touching my special area!"
"My toys are all sticky." {nr}
"Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours."
"Bushes are nice 'cause they don't have prickers. Unless they do. This one did. Ouch!"
"This is my sandbox, I'm not allowed to go in the deep end." {nr}
"That's where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!" {nr}
"He's gonna smell like hot dogs." {nr}
5F18"Maybe it's presents for all of us!"
5F20"Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."
"This snowflake tastes like fishsticks."
AABF03"Is this my house?"
"She's gonna say my name!"
"Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!"
AABF07"Somebody should iron you."
AABF12"Look, Daddy, a whale egg!"
AABF14"You're King David! I love you 'cause you kill people."
AABF18"Daddy says I'm _this_ close to sleeping in the yard."
AABF22"And I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey."
"At my house, we call them [fires] 'Uh-Oh's.'"
AABF19"Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!"
BABF06"I can't breathe good and it's making me sleepy."
BABF10(Pointing at Homer) "Mommy has bosoms like that."
BABF13"Mr. Flanders, you're blinded-ed."
"I fell out two times."
BABF15"Teacher, my shoes are making noise."
"My daddy shoots people!"
"Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad."
"I ate too much plastic candy."
BABF18"Freeze, you crazy mommy!"
CABF03(After being soaked in fake blood) "I look like cable TV!"
CABF04"Sim-Sim likes to boogie."
CABF06"Mr. Army Man, I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit!"
He says a scouring pad is "cold and hurty"
CABF08(After seeing the comic store's "Adult Section") "Everybody's hugging!"
CABF12"Whee! I'm a pop sensation."
"I'm wearing a bathrobe, and I'm not even sick."
"Pop music's hard work."
"I can't read."
"I wanna twirl."
CABF09"His tummy sounds angry, daddy."
CABF11"We're a totem pole!"
CABF16[about Homer's knee wound] "Can I touch it?" "It's healing over my hand!"
"You have the bestest Dad. He read me a story about Chinese food.
[when asked to say a swear] "Mittens!"
"I almost died."

Ralph Being Ralph
8F24Finally recieves a change of underwear from his parents
9F02Says Lisa's chewing gum walk is "very wrigley"
9F13Glues his head to his shoulder
Misspells "trunk" as "tunk"
2F04Asks the librarian for "Go, Dog Go"
2F16Requests chocolate microscopes from the school
2F17Runs when Bart declares "Now is the winter of our discontent"
Asks what's for lunch tomorrow; when he hears "Next!" he thinks "chicken necks"
2F32Performs in the school band with a flute up his nose
3F13Calls Mrs. Hoover "Mommy"
3F22Remains in his seat after school is over
4F12Turns his knob left when Roger Meyers yells at him, indicating he doesn't like what he sees
4F13Puts his pajamas on upside-down
4F19Enters a Design-a-Nuclear-Power-Plant contest, but presents a Malibu Stacey dollhouse
4F20Playing with spoons
4F24Brings in part of a cow as a science project
Playing with a mailbox
5F03Throws a basketball instead of a football
5F05Thinks he discovered his own trowel blade
5F07"Hi, liar!" {rb}
5F13Has an imaginary character called "wiggle puppy"
Playing with a finger trap
Going through Bart's toy chest while holding a sticky ice cream bar
He's not allowed to go in the "deep end" of his sandbox
Calls a rat a "pointy kitty"
Thinks an old electric chair smells like hot dogs
Misses the point of "Go Fish"
Sees a leprechaun, who tells him to burn the house down
AABF03Draws himself with Lisa on his school book
AABF08Thinks he's holding dogfood when the post office's hounds inspect his package
AABF14Shepard Ralph is instantly killed by Goliath II (or so we're led to believe)
AABF17Rides the kids' train in Fortune Megastore
AABF19Pushes his face against the car window like a baby
AABF22Thinks Hosey the Bear is Santa Claus
BABF01Dresses up as Chief Wiggum for Halloween
BABF06Sticks his milk money and his milk far back in his nose
Inhales toxic fumes!
BABF09Mistakes the band room for the art room
CABF06He is confused at Skinner's order to "stand down"
CABF11He imagines the new kid to be a baby goat in farmers' clothes
Ralph runs into the street after a red ball
CABF15Chief Wiggum takes Ralph to Praiseland

Ralph Eating Things He Shouldn't
9F10Paste (?) {nr}
9F13His red crayon
2F04The caps from his cap gun
3F03His worm
3F10More paste
4F12His knob
5F11Purple berries
AABF07A thumbtack
BABF15"Plastic candy" (the set and props for his dance recital)

Ralph Picking His Nose
9F13The doctor said he wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if he kept his finger outta there
5F11If his nose starts to bleed, it means he's picking it too much, or not enough
5F13He found a moon rock in his nose
AABF03In the school's new computer lab

In the Background / Other Appearances
8F15Career pegged as a salmon gutter
8F21Sings "hail to the bus driver," but Skinner is not amused
1F16Chief Wiggum prepares him for Mr. Burns' heir auditions
2F08Chalkboard gag: "Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough."
2F15Kent Brockman's list of armed and dangerous celebrities includes "Sideshow Ralph Wiggum"
2F17Watching a film crew member paint a horse like a cow (cut in syndication)
2F19Sits in the back of the bus, where the oil leak may be causing some of the school's low test scores
3F02In Bart's Sunday School class
Bart tries to buy Ralph's soul
3F03Says to Lisa "I can't believe I used to go out with you."
3F04Has his arm in a cast, presumably from a conflict with Groundskeeper Willy
3F09Seen at the Evergreen Terrace yard sale
3F18Talks to Krusty on an airplane (this scene was shown in the previews, but never aired) {hl}
3F24Tells Homer he's drinking a candle
4F01Nelson says to him "You're dead."
In Lisa's band class
4F02At the science fair
4F09Skinner remarks "There's Ralph! He knows the score."
4F20Writing a "G" next to "P.I." Chief Wiggum P.I.'s door
4F24Lisa imagines herself married to Ralph
5F16Playing tag at the church picnic; tags Mr. Burns
5F21Watching television in the couch gag
AABF03Chews on his pencil during a test
AABF09Laughing at Homer at the Springfield Mall
AABF10In the audience at Springfield Elementary
AABF11His mother gives him a bowl cut in the driveway
AABF13Chief Wiggum brings him outside to complain about OFF's doorbell
AABF22Walks by Martin ... "What are you looking at?"
BABF02Watches Homer's triumphant perfect bowling game
BABF18Attends Otto's wedding with his dad

What's a contributor?

{hl} Haynes Lee
{nr} Nick Rose
{rb} Ross Bates

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Last updated on August 23, 2001 by