The Secret War of Lisa Simpson Written by Rich Appel Directed by Mike Anderson ============================================================================== Production code: 4F21 Original Airdate on FOX: 18-May-1997 Capsule revision D (26-Feb-2000) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" Synopsis {hl} ============================================================================== (Canada) There's no life like it when Lisa joins an all-boy military academy and gets the sound off from all the male cadets, including Bart. Her will to succeed is tested when she faces a grueling physical test known as The Eliminator. Willem Dafoe provides a guest voice. ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Couch: The room is upside-down. OFF run in on the ceiling and sit down on the couch, until they fall to the "real" ground. [Recycled from 4F01] ============================================================================== > Did You Notice... ============================================================================== Dale G. Abersold: ... Lisa has now graduated from the second grade _three_ times? Don Del Grande: ... Ralph was the only one not bored by the sand movie? ... Miss Hoover didn't rewind the sand movie? ... while Otto's bus had its windows broken by the sound wave, neither Homer's car nor the police cars had their windows damaged? ... they don't haze the new students their entire first year? (Or is that something that just happens in movies like "Taps"?) ... the Commandant calls the cadets "gentlemen", including Lisa? ... they don't go to "Painless Dentistry" (like they did in 9F15) any more? Jeremy Gallen: ... the General thinks Bart can handle a large weapon because he went to [public] school, but doesn't think Lisa can, even though she goes to [public] school? [{ljg} notes, "She's a girl."] ... Lisa says "My God" before she says "I'm delirious", like people in previous episodes have done? ... the graduates are all dressed in Marine uniforms? Jason Hancock: ... Wiggum's answering machine has "Delete" and "On/Off" buttons? ... the boy in the "Moon" film eats with a three-pronged fork? ... the Chiquita, Del Monte, and Dole banana labels are written in outline form? ... the picture of the Washington Monument in the general's office? ... Homer is eating "Krunchy Korns" as Lisa calls? ... the flag does not move at all during the graduation ceremonies? Darrel Jones: ... Bart falls for the Disneyland prank TWICE? ... Bart's megaphone chain has 15 megaphones? Joe Klemm: ... the string holding the moon in the film? ... the Mr. Ripe and Peel King stickers on the police radio? ... Maggie had two pacifiers up her ears? ... Rommelwood was founded in 1812? Haynes Lee: ... police department entrance like those in New York City? ... space film copyrighted 1952 by the U.S. Moon Department ["long before anybody even managed to launch a satellite," notes {ddg}] ... U.S. flag has 13 stripes and 54 (6x9) stars? ... Bart looks and talks like the Marines from the American embassy in Australia? ... fellow cadets are like boys from Shelbyville? Dallas J. Pesola: ... the joint taped to the hippie's mouth? ... the banana peel in the "comm room" garbage can? ... the octopus' eyeballs are in the same place as Frink's after it wraps itself around Frink's head? ... the Eliminator rope was made of hemp? [Partly. It was hemp-jute -- Ed.] ... none of the cadets sitting *behind* Lisa in the cafeteria threw meatballs at her? Benjamin Robinson: ... in the very last scene, there's a white 1970 Mercury Cougar in the parking lot? ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Anderson {dga}, Abe Simpson) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph, Cadet in poetry class, Cadet leader, Nelson) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Chief Wiggum, "Sand" announcer, "Moon of Earth" announcer, Professor Frink, Poetry instructor, Cadet #2 {dga}, Rangemaster) - Harry Shearer (Principal Skinner, Jasper, Adlai Stevenson {jp}) - Special Guest Voice - Willem Dafoe (Commandant) - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Janey {dga}) - Tress MacNeille (Nurse) - Maggie Roswell (Mrs. Hoover, Franklin {dga}) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + "The Secret War of Harry Frigg" (movie) {al} - okay, =this= is probably the source of this episode's title [More, "Comments" section -- Ed.] ~ "The Private War of Major Benson" (movie) {bw} - this episode parodies title of this 1955 comedy, featuring Charlton Heston, as the merciless ROTC commander in a military school run by nuns ~ "The Secret World of Alex Mack" (TV series) {cr} - title of this episode could be a parody on the title of this Nickelodeon series + O.J. Simpson's Bronco chase {hl} - the police cars following Bart on the lawnmower + Shannon Faulkner and the Citadel - Lisa's efforts to enter Rommelwood similar to Ms. Faulkner's real-life experience [See "Comments" section -- Ed.] + "Police Squad" / "Naked Gun" (TV series / movie) {djp} - Wiggum drove his car poorly and up on the curb the same way that Frank Drebin does + Mr. Peanut (commercial mascot) {jh} - "Mr. Ripe" looks a little like him - "Back to the Future" (movie) {dj} - the scene where Bart uses the megaphones similar to the movie scene where Marty uses the large speakers on his guitar - "Octopussy" (movie) {al} - "Alien" (movie) {hl} - octopus attaching itself to Prof. Frink's face like in Bond movie (for the former) or in alien-like fashion (for the latter) + German general Rommel {hl} - school named Rommelwood [More, "Comments" section -- Ed.] ~ Eggo Waffles (toaster waffle) {djp} - Homer says "leggo my leg" [{djp} admits, "I know ... it's a stretch"] - "The Lords of Discipline" (movie) {hl} - hazing at the school - "Full Metal Jacket" (movie) {hl} - rifle range scene a bit similar + "Moonraker" (movie) {al} - Bond falsely accused of missing a target, when he really hit a less- obvious target - "An Officer And A Gentleman" (movie) {hl} - obstacle course female cadet must complete to pass - throwing the hats into air after graduation - Military graduation ceremonies {ljg} - hats-in-air ceremony a common feature at these ceremonies - "Rebel Without a Cause" (movie) (rs} - when Bart was trying to teach Lisa to cross the big ditch at night, one of the cadets confronting him was dressed like James Dean from this movie - "American Gladiators" (TV series) {jk} - the Eliminator is the same name as the final event on the show + Marlboro Cigarettes {jg} - the General says "Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country," which is this brand's slogan - "A Christmas Story" (movie) {jk} - Lisa's arms are stuck after the Eliminator, like Randy's when he's in his winter clothes + "It's a Small World" (song) {jk} - a riff from this song heard as the family pulls up to the dentist's office ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - The Simpsons in the Military (or the other way around) {hl} - [1F18] Sergeant Seymour Skinner - [2F13] Marines at American Embassy in Australia - [2F18] Homer's drill Sergeant - [3F08] Colonel Hapablap - [3F19] Grampa and the Flying Hellfish - [7G02] Bart's at another school {mss} - [7G03], [8F03], [1F11] SES students on a field trip {mss} - [8F15] Bart redefines himself as authority figure {dsb} - [8F16] "Life without zinc" film shown {hl} - [8F17] Dogs (or more likely their owners) throw leashes in the air after graduating (cf. Students throwing hats) {ec} - [8F24], [3F22] Lisa graduates from second grade {dga} - [8F24] Bart and Lisa spend some time away from the rest of OFF {mss} - [9F03] Homer must punish Bart {hl} - [9F13] Bart used a similar (albeit a Nerf version) gun {hl} - [9F15] Grampa goes into a tangent about onions {hl} - [9F18] Bart is promised something exciting, really a cover-up for a punishment {mss} - [1F11] Bart strays from his class on a field trip {mss} - [1F18] misdirected missile hits other target {dsb} - [1F19] Skinner threatens to send Bart to military school {mss} - [2F14] "Flavor country" is mentioned {jh} - [2F19] Miss Hoover quickly disappears from classroom {hl} - [2F21] Marge having trouble with obstacle course at police academy {hl} - [2F22] Shelbyvillians make turnip juice {hl} - [3F03] Lisa (instead of Bart) driving away with lawnmower {hl} - [3F05] Homer must negotiate high, skinny pipe (cf. Lisa and the Eliminator) {asv} - [3F13] Adlai Stevenson is referenced (cf. his grave in 3F13) {jh} - [4F01] Nelson (cf. Wiggum) keeps his key under the "Welcome" mat {jh} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - Banana stickers not mentioned by Chief Wiggum {dj} - Mellow Yellow, Mr. Ripe, Peel King - "Moon of Earth" trailer {djp} Dallas Pesola notes: The "moon" film had writing on it at the end that read "sand [which was crossed out] 'Moon of Earth'" - Your weight on the moon {bjr} EARTH/MOON WEIGHT CONVERSION CHART 200 ------------------- +-+ 150 -| |--------------- | | 100 -| |--------------- | | 50 -| |--------------- | | +-+ 0 -+-+--------+-+---- EARTH MOON WEIGHT WEIGHT (C) 1952, U.S. Department of Moon - At the Rommelwood gate {bjr} ROMMELWOOD A TRADITION OF HERITAGE - On the classroom blackboard {nk} John Keats (civilian) ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== = In "The Moon of Earth", the flag behind Adlai Stevenson has 44 stars, not 48 (as there were in the flag at the end). {ddg} = While Chief Wiggum is inside talking to Homer, he's also in one of the police cars chasing Bart in the lawn mower. {ddg} * Why didn't any of Bart's classmates hear him playing with the megaphones? {el} + Since when do the Simpsons have a riding mower? [Possibly since "Lisa the Vegetarian (3F03)," but most people thought that was an error, as well -- Ed.] {ddg} [{ljg} suggests he may have "borrowed" it from a neighbor -- Ed.] * Why would Lisa expect SES to teach her about poetry? We didn't get to that stuff until Junior High. {jg} = In the wide-angle shots, the phone has only nine buttons instead of the normal twelve; also, Grampa's rotary phone has only eight slots instead of ten. {jh} = The Commandant's insignia is much more visible in the latter parts of the show than in the earlier ones. {ddg} = Homer throws one rock, but more than one kid moves. {mg} = The Simpsons first drive to the academy in Homer's Pink car and drive away in the orange station wagon. [This might not be an error. See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] {dm} * Lisa's "classmates" seem far older than second grade. {el} * Bart's rocket launcher is incredibly powerful if it flew all the way to Springfield. And how did he aim it so well as to hit Skinner's car? {el} * Gauge is a measure of thickness. The eliminator rope was 60 gauge, which would be extremely thin. As a reference, most stereo speaker wire is 14-18 gauge. [More, "Comments" section -- Ed.] {djp} = Lisa's harness doesn't appear until after she starts falling. {ddg} = When Lisa gets to the platform on top of the "Eliminator," she backs up against the pole and looks down. The screen shot shows her feet hanging in mid-air! {pu} * Does this mean Lisa is going to continue her education in military school? (We'll never know, as we'll never see Lisa in third grade...) {ddg} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Dale G. Abersold: Well, it wasn't "Summer of 4 Ft. 2", but at least it was better than I had feared it would be. Lisa's military-school travails were well set-up, although the plot never really went anywhere. Still, as always, plenty of funny moments: Bart's havoc with a bullhorn was the highlight of the show. I just wish it had a more satisfying climax. (B) Joseph J. Barder: A better episode than either "My Sister, My Sitter" or "The Old Man and the Lisa," because Lisa actually ends up succeeding. However, while Bart starts out back in old form, he loses all of it when he goes to military school. He should have secretly humiliated the school, not conform to this pack of thugs. (B+) Vince Chan: Another season finale has come upon the show. How many more lie ahead, on the road to the series finale? This episode was overall good. The first act was chock filled with great memorable moments and quotes. It was so predictable, when Lisa was climbing on the Eliminator, that she would make it to the other side. Now if it was Homer ... Great finale overall. It's a season finale to remember. (B+) Don Del Grande: This episode had too many things I've seen too many times beforehand (Lisa treated as an outcast; Grampa going on and on; Homer just lying there; Marge's speeches) without too many things that were worth laughing at. (B-) Masarath Ghiasuddin: Finally! After a really shaky season, we get quintessential Simpsons: the exploits of Bart and Lisa, with the other characters used mainly for laughs. It was a nice change to see Bart being nice. I was ROFL at "We better go change!" (A) Jason Hancock: An average ending to an average season. I was glad that Lisa didn't turn into a PC thug like I had feared, but the story was still a little weak especially since the basic premises (Bart being punished, Lisa being neglected) have been done better in other episodes. (C+) Ryan Johnson: VERY, VERY disappointing. It's amazing how far a show can fall in one season. The episode was so bad, I really must wonder why anyone bothered to make it. Seeing Bart spun on a propeller and Lisa firing a machine gun really made me feel like I was watching a show that just happened to contain characters from the Simpsons. Where's the realism? The relevancy? Gone. (F) Ondre Lombard: Bart goes through too many character changes in this story, which starts out painfully slow. And Lisa going to military school just to avoid the monotony of school and read poetry is just a bit drastic for me. Bart should've stuck up for Lisa during the chant for her to fail at the Eliminator. I'm also disappointed at the lifted emotion in some of the scenes. A weak season finale. But I'm just glad they didn't try to make a PC statement with the story, since it was so easy. (D) Bill Pentney: The Simpson writers are running out of plot ideas, but the show hasn't lost it. This wasn't the best I've seen ("The Springfield Files", which followed it tonight, was better) but it had its moments, like the film about the moon. "Couldn't we be doing something more stimulating, Miss Hoover?" "Eh, probably." (B) Matt Rose: I liked this one so much I watched it three more times! This one had everything - it made me laugh hysterically and I enjoyed the bonding between Lisa and Bart. I got that same good feeling from episodes like "Lisa's Wedding" and "Lisa on Ice". And I always enjoy anything with Professor Frink. A great rip on the military institutions of our country. Definitely one of this season's best, and deserving of its position as the season finale. It really is great to see that after so many years, they've still got it. I only wonder what the final season (maybe) has to offer. (A) Donni Saphire-Bernstein: This was a solid, hilarious expansion into territory that's always been in the back of every Simpsons episode- what if Bart got into SERIOUS trouble and couldn't weasel out of it? The episode then read like a semi-serious topic, but studded throughout with hilarious asides and observations. I enjoyed it very much. Unlike the past two episodes (Homer's Enemy and Spinoffs), this was a straightforward Simpsons episode and played like one. [...] The whole little thingamajig with filmstrips, the running gag of Bart and police cars, Wiggum's incompetence- all further proof of how this show stays head and shoulders above everything else. (A) Rock Shum: This was a great ending for a great season! This is the second year in a row that they ended with a very touching and funny Lisa episode. I thought this was gonna be a Shannon Faulkner-Citadel type thing when I heard about the plot, but Lisa proves to girls and woman that their is place for them in the military. While Lisa wasn't up to it physically, she sure deserved the equal rights to attend the academically superior military school. It was touching to see Bart come out in cheer for Lisa to cross the big ditch. [...] Bart-Lisa episodes are always good, and I hope to see more. (A) Marge Starbrod-Simpson: Bad jokes, bad storyline, stupid ending, 'nuff said. Thank God for the repeat of 3G01 afterwards! However, this is only number five on my worst episode list. (D-) Aaron Varhola: A very good season finale; Lisa and Bart were well within character, and it was good to see how they both developed away from the stultifying experience of Springfield Elementary. Bart was particularly multifaceted; he was able to prove himself as a cadet, while also encouraging Lisa to succeed. Good and well-timed gags, as well. The only drawbacks were a moment of [crud] at the end, and the unrealism of weapons use among the cadets. (A) Yours Truly: This season's wrap-up tale is a surprisingly serious test of Lisa's character. An excellent script by Richard Appel avoids falling into the snare of having Lisa climb onto her soapbox. Apart from the first act, this episode wasn't really a laugh riot, and Lisa's suffering may turn some viewers off. Still, stories like this demonstrate why "The Simpsons" is no ordinary sitcom. (A-) AVERAGE GRADE: B (2.94) Std Dev.: 1.1987 (22 reviews computed) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> The Secret War to Discover Where the Title Comes From John Plasket quotes Leonard Maltin's movie guide: SECRET WAR OF HARRY FRIGG, THE (1968) C-110m. ** D: Jack Smight. Paul Newman, Sylva Koscina, Andrew Duggan, Tom Bosley, John Williams, Vito Scotti, James Gregory. Noncom soldier selected to free five generals held captive during WW2 in this slick but inane comedy, one of Newman's few real losers. Techniscope. (Available on video) >> Writer Watch Dale G. Abersold: Richard Appel has been one of the more successful writers to join the series in the last few years. His first efforts were the almost universally beloved "Mother Simpson" [3F06] and "Bart on the Road" [3F17]. This season's "Bart After Dark" was less popular with a.t.s critics, but was still liked by many. >> He probably should have stuck with more "Simpsons" episodes Dale G. Abersold fills us in on Mr. Dafoe's background: Willem Dafoe has had what can only be described as a "varied" career. After gaining fame with the Chicago-based Steppenwolf acting troupe, he made his film debut as an extra in "Heaven's Gate." He has appeared in films that are good ("Platoon" and "The English Patient"), bad ("Body of Evidence"), controversial ("The Last Temptation of Christ" and "Mississippi Burning"), and weird ("Faraway, So Close!"). His next role is as the villain in "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down 2". Er, I mean, "Speed 2". >> Y'know, most guys =like= it when girls come to campus. Benjamin Robinson: Lisa's travails at Rommelwood are obviously based on Shannon Faulkner's miss-adventures at The Citadel. For over a century, the Citadel was a military academy-type college in South Carolina. Traditionally, it was an all-male institution; no women need apply. And, I'll bet, few women wanted to apply. Ms. Faulkner decided to buck the trend, however. She submitted an application that omitted all mention of her gender, and was accepted. When she told the Citadel, in effect, "I obviously made the cut, so you should let me in," the school refused. The matter ended up in the courts system, which decided that since the Citadel received funds from the federal government, it was bound by federal non- discrimination rules. The Citadel was faced with two choices: go private (since privately-funded rules could be one-sex-only), or admit Ms. Faulkner into their Corps of Cadets program (she had been attending as a day student while the courts pondered their ruling). The former clearly wasn't feasible, and the Citadel, for the first time in its history, admitted a young woman. Feminists everywhere declared a great victory, while students at the college prepared to make her life there a living hell. The story didn't end there, however. Another Citadel tradition holds that new students must get their heads shaved as part of a school initiation. Ms. Faulkner tried to get out of this, which poked a hole in her previous argument that she should be treated like any other cadet. Her older argument held sway, however, and she joined the other shaven-headed "knobs" on campus. Alas, it was all for naught; the school's rigorous physical initiation proved to much for her, as it did for many male students before her, and she dropped out. Since then, a few other female students attempted to break the gender barrier at the Citadel; they met the same fate as Shannon Faulkner. Only time will tell if the Citadel will yield to change and become a co-ed school, or if tradition will ultimately hold sway. >> Classroom Cinema Bill Pentney remembers: Outdated or bizarre movies seem to be a staple of any public school education. When I was in third grade (in the mid-1980's!), I really saw a filmstrip like the one Lisa saw about the moon in class - although Adlai Stevenson made no appearance, there were references to "someday Americans will walk on the moon" and such. I also recall one which involved a girl dreaming about a world without rules, and before she wakes up we hear her going "Rules ... Rules ... come back" or something like that, not unlike the "Zinc ... Zinc ..." in episode 8F16. Darrel Jones points out that the film wasn't completely without educational value: The Earth/Moon Weight conversion chart in the filmstrip appears to suggest a weight of 180 pounds on the Earth is equivalent to a weight of 30 pounds on the moon. The correct ratio is 6:1, so the filmstrip has this detail correct (and probably ONLY this detail... :) ) Claus Rasmussen: The gravity on Earth is about 9.81 m/s/s at equator (and 9.816 m/s/s in Denmark, it gets stronger the closer you get to the core of the Earth). On the Moon the gravity is ca. 1.63 m/s/s, which gives an Earth/Moon ratio of 6:1. This, however, doesn't influent the actual mass of a given item. 100 kg will still weigh 100 kg no matter if it's on Earth or on the Moon. The only thing that changes is the force needed to lift the 100 kg (981 N on Earth/163 N on the Moon). >> Over 100 billion sold Benjamin Robinson: Not to trod on Haynes Lee's territory, but I think I spotted an urban legend when Chief Wiggum pointed out the "California Cheeseburger." According to legend, a couple leave their infant child in the care of a teen-aged babysitter and enjoy a night on the town. When they return, the obviously stoned babysitter reports that the baby is fine, and the turkey is in the oven. "What turkey?" the parents ask themselves - - until the horrible truth about what's cooking hits them... There are several variations on this story, but thankfully none of them have proven true. Still, that does not seem to have stopped Chief Wiggum from using the notion of edible babies to scare the kiddies straight. >> Oh, =that= Rommel Benjamin Robinson: Rommelwood named for this World War II German general. He is most known for fighting in the North African theater of operations. Later, he would come to disagree with Hitler's twisted goals, and joined a conspiracy to kill him. This would, I suppose, make him one of the less objectionable Nazis. Danny Sichel corrects: Erwin Rommel wasn't a Nazi, which is why the Nazis had him assassinated. [I heard they had him commit "suicide" -- Ed.] >> And hey, the make topping lawn ornaments, too! Aaron Varhola: The Terra Cotta Warriors of Xi'an (Sian) are approximately 6000 life-size, uniquely sculpted soldiers found in the tomb of Emperor Shih Huang Ti, of the Ch'in dynasty, who ruled until his death in 210 B.C. They are regarded as one of the greatest examples of ancient art. (Some of the figures were exhibited in Portland this past summer at the "Tombs of Ancient China" exhibit at the Portland Art Museum). Benjamin Robinson adds: The amazing thing is, whoever made the statues didn't just make a mold and pop out [6,000] copies. Each statue has a different face and is a unique as you or I. Some small groups of the statues have been removed from their tomb, and the public may now look at them in museums around the world. >> The amazing changing car When the Simpsons dropped Bart off at the school, they appeared to arrive at school in Homer's sedan, and leave in Marge's. Bob Beecher explains this apparent inconsistency: My take on it is that it is a "smash time cut". After all, they must have had to go back home to get Lisa's stuff; and the kids are wearing their "blues", so it must've been a time cut to make the "I heard you the first time" joke (?) work. >> She may be crazy and alone, but what great poetry! Aaron Varhola's poetry corner: Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) was a poet best known for her reclusiveness; she withdrew from the world in her late 20's, and did little except for household chores and writing for the rest of her life. A commentator said that her isolation helped her focus on her writing by keeping a distance from the world. Only six or seven of her poems were actually published during her lifetime, and those without her permission. A sample of her work, which might apply to Lisa in this episode Aspiration We never know how high we are Till we are called to rise; And then, if we are true to plan, Our statures touch the skies. The heroism we recite Would be a daily thing, Did not ourselves the cubits warp For fear to be king. --- from Erin's Emily Dickinson Page, >> Gauging the thickness of that rope... Oliver Thomas: The measurement of shotgun shells (gauge) has its roots in times when materials were very rare. The caliber is the number of shells you could produce out of one old English pound of lead (correct word? chem. Pb)! [Yes, that's the word -- Ed.] So the greater the number, the smaller the diameter. The average shotgun shell is 12. Had to learn it for a German weapons license some time ago. >> The State of Simpsonity Joseph J. Barder observes: Either Lisa and Bart are dumber than we thought, or Springfield's either in California or a state nearby. Otherwise, why would they believe they're going to Disneyland by car, on a trip that apparently is as long as a trip to the dentist? (They're not very observant in the car, either.) >> The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show Lisa Simpson Goes To War ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr} ============================================================================== % Oh, boy! It's time for a fourth-grade field trip and this time, Bart % gets to go someplace more exciting than the box factory -- the police % station. Or at least, it would be more exciting if the station were % actually open. Right now, though, the doors are securely locked as % Ms. Krabappel and her class wait on the front steps. % % With sirens wailing, Chief Wiggum pulls up in front of the children, % hitting the curb. Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by ten. -- Chief Wiggum with the early-morning blues, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Wiggum gets the police station key from under the doormat, unlocks % the door, and lets everyone inside. Wiggum: We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the answering machine. [does so; there are 75 messages] Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands? [deletes the messages] -- If you want it done right ... "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The first stop on the tour is the museum ... of crime. Wiggum: Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold onto your values as we step through the looking glass into a hippie pot party. [flicks a switch, lighting a mannequin with a joint crudely stuck to his mouth] While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. [lights up another mannequin, of a woman opening wide to eat a baby sandwich. (That's a sandwich with a baby in it, not a really tiny sandwich.) The crowd gasps] That's right, she's got the munchies for a California Cheeseburger. -- Would you like fries with that? "TSW" % Back at Springfield Elementary, Lisa's class finishes watching a % movie about sand. So the next time you're walking on the beach, enjoying an hourglass, or making cheap, low-grade windshields, think where we'd be without sand! -- "Sand" movie narrator, "TSW" % Without much enthusiasm, Miss Hoover loads the next movie onto the % projector. Lisa asks if the class could be doing something more % challenging. "Probably," Miss Hover says with even less enthusiasm, % and rolls the next film, "The Moon of Earth." Narrator: The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? [cut to a shot of Adlai Stevenson at some sort of press conference] Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so. Stevenson: I have no objection to man walking on the moon. [photographers snap several pictures] [cut back to the moon where a family plays on the moon's fertile surface] Narrator: By 1964, experts say man will have established twelve colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations. [a man fishes a comely moon maiden out of a crater. She winks at the audience] [a chart shows the difference] Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what you weigh on Earth. [cut to a shot of a chubby boy eating pie] Slow down, tubby! You're not on the moon yet! [cut to a shot of the moon, with an American flag superimposed on it. The camera pulls back to reveal some men in spacesuits] The moon belongs to America, and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men. Will you be among them? [fini. The film runs off the reel] Ralph: Miss Hoover, the movie's over. Lisa: Where's Miss Hoover? Janey: [looks out the window] Hey, her car's gone. Ralph: Maybe she drove to the moon. -- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Lisa talks to Principal Skinner with the hope of making Miss Hoover's % class more academically rigorous. Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged. Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation. -- Damned if you do, and damned if you don't, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Meanwhile, the fourth graders' tour of the police station takes them % to the communications room (or "comm room"). Wiggum shows the % children the police radio, which serves as both a communication % device, and a handy surface for banana stickers. Wiggum then leads % the class into the next room, where he'll sit down and rest for a few % minutes. % % Bart lingers behind. He chances upon a wall of bullhorns, takes one % down, and tries it out. He takes a second one down, puts it up to the % speaker of the first one, and tries again. Sure enough, it's a % noticeably louder. Then he looks at the bullhorns on the wall, and % the pair in his hand, and then back at the wall five times, and gets % an idea. % % Bart lines them up, with one end of the row propped up on the % windowsill, and the other on a chair. He turns them on. A fly buzzes % past the microphone on the first horn, and the amplified buzzing % shakes the whole row. Now it's Bart's turn; he's excited, because if % one bullhorn makes your voice loud, then an entire row must do % something really spectacular. Bart leans toward the row of horns, and % says, "Testing." % % The results are spectacular indeed! The noise from Bart's "Testing" % blasts him into the opposite wall of the comm room. Meanwhile a shock % wave rips through the town, breaking windows and wreaking havoc. The % front window of a pet shop is broken, and all the parrots echo, "Awk! % Testing! Testing!" Professor Frink is caught unawares when the sound % wave detonates the aquarium of an octopus he's experimenting upon. % Freed, the animal latches itself to his face. The wave even reaches % the Simpson home, shattering all of Homer's beer bottles. % % Later, Chief Wiggum and the Simpsons gather in the living room to % talk about Bart's latest prank. Or at least they try to, since the % echo of the bullhorns can still drown out normal conversation. Homer: [yelling to be heard] You really did it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! Lisa: When do you expect the ringing will stop? Wiggum: In about ten to fifteen seconds. Marge: I certainly hope [the ringing stops] so. [realizes she's still yelling] Ooh! [puts her hand to her mouth] That's better. [Maggie removes to pacifiers she had been using as earplugs] Now about your punishment, young man. Bart: [gets up] I know, I'll go to my room to think about what I did. Homer: Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage. Bart: [leaves] You're the boss. Marge: I tell you, Chief, I just don't know what we're going to do with him. Wiggum: You know, you do have options. [Bart rides by the living room window on a lawn mower] For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know? Homer: Not very. Marge: No-o-o! No drugs! Bart just needs a little discipline. Wiggum: Uh, hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave. Marge: You know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right. Military school is a good idea. [The family looks out the front window. Bart rides by in the opposite direction, followed by police cars with their lights flashing] -- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The next day, Bart goes for a ride with the family. Thinking he's % going to Disneyland, he throws his suitcase into the trunk, and gets % in the car. Then it hits him -- nobody else has brought along =their= % luggage. Homer hits the gas before Bart can make his escape. The car % roars off, revealing Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel camped out % on lawn chairs across the street. Krabappel: [simultaneous with Skinner] Yay! Skinner: Hooray! Krabappel: You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say. Skinner: Edna, your tears say more than words ever could. [the two clink champagne glasses] -- When dreams come true, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Bart protests the change in itinerary. Bart: Military school?! You lied to me! Homer: [chuckles] Well, I'm sorry if you heard, "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school." -- Blasted homonyms, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The car pulls up the long drive to Rommelwood Military Academy. % While the family tours the facility, the camp Commandant pitches % Rommelwood as a place where Bart can be molded onto a productive % citizen through "an intensive program of push-ups and formation % marching." Marge: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester. Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks. Bart: Freak-outs? Homer: If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester? -- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Continuing their tour of the school ground, the Commandant points out % a row of cadets standing at attention. Lisa admires their discipline; % Homer tests it by throwing a rock at them. % % The family and the Commandant peek into a classroom. Cadet: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir! Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school. Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful? Marge: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem. -- Imagine what they'd do to "The Waste Land", "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Bart tries a last-ditch effort at a reprieve, literally clinging to % his father's leg. Bart: Please don't make me stay, dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes! Homer: Let go my leg. Bart: No! Homer: Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. Lisa: And so am I. [everyone else gasps] This school has everything I ever wanted. Marge: Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children. Bart: No jail can hold me. [runs off, only to be returned by school M.P.s a few seconds later] -- Nice move, Houdini, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % [End of Act One. Time: 7:47] % % The Commandant tries to make sense of Lisa's announcement. It's an % uphill battle. Commandant: Let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation. [clears throat] You're a girl. Lisa: Yes. Commandant: Oh, gosh darn it, I just don't understand the situation. [clears throat again] You're a girl? Lisa: All I want is the chance to prove myself. Commandant: Hmm. In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. But that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists ... Welcome aboard. -- He's a progressive guy, all right, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Marge gives Lisa the opportunity to opt out. Marge: Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jiff. Bart: [poking his head into frame] I want to quit and come home. [cut to shot of family getting into car] I want to quit and come home. Marge: Aw, honey, I heard you the first time. [kisses him goodbye, gets in the car, and leaves] -- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % With their parents gone, Bart and Lisa begin to settle in to their % new environment. The commandant introduces the kids to their barrack- % mates. Commandant: Atten-hut! Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so we're going to have to make a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here. Franklin: [effeminate] Well, we'll see about that. Commandant: Second, this is now the girls' barracks, so pack your things, you're moving in with Company L. Cadet Leader: Company L? But they smell! Commandant: [quietly] Yes, we've all head the chant. [authoritative] Now, fall out! Lisa: [to cadets, as they file out the door] Sorry ... sorry ... I know we'll be friends ... Talk about getting off on the wrong foot. [laughs weakly] -- Winning friends and influencing people, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The displaced cadets grumble about their new classmate. Their leader % [who, alas, remains nameless throughout the show] reminds them they % can drive her out with the time-honored tradition of hazing. % % The next rainy night, Bart and Lisa are forced to do a little % calisthenics. Leader: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud? Lisa: Is there any answer that I can give that won't result in more push-ups? Cadet #2: [consults with platoon] No. Lisa: [collapses into the mud] -- A no-win situation, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % No course of hazing would be complete without the traditional % cleaning of a large object with a tiny brush. In this case, Bart and % Lisa are consigned to clean the grounds' signature statue of a general % on horseback. Cleaning graffiti goes against Bart's nature, and he % doubts if he'll survive his stay at Rommelwood. Lisa encourages him, % saying that if he sticks with it, the other cadets will accept him. % The cadet leader interrupts their gab session. "Get to work," he % yells. "I want to see my face in that horse's ass!" % % Next, the cadets gather in front of a prop plane, idling its engines % on the tarmac. "Okay, that's long enough," their leader decides. % Someone kills the engines, and we see that Bart and Lisa are strapped % to the propeller blades. The crowd decides that Bart has passed their % test of mettle, and carries him off on their shoulders. Lisa, on the % other hand, is left strapped upside-down to the propeller. % % But military school isn't all fun and hazing. It's time for weapons % class on the firing range. Rangemaster: Well, since you attended public school I'm going to assume that you're already proficient with small arms, so we'll start you off with something a little more advanced. [hands Bart a fearsome-looking grenade launcher] Bart: [impressed] Whoa! [Bart shoots at the targets downrange, and hits four of them. His fifth projectile goes sailing off in the distance, however] Rangemaster: Four out of five, Simpson; impressive. But you missed your last target. Bart: Did I? [cut to Springfield Elementary parking lot. Skinner stands over a smoking crater where his car used to be] Nelson: [from school window] Ha, ha! -- Explain THAT to your insurance agent, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The cadet leader is impressed with Bart's marksmanship, as well. % Lisa doesn't seem to be the natural that Bart is. She somehow gets % her rifle stuck on "auto-fire," and the recoil literally lifts her % several feet in the air. The Rangemaster comes to her rescue. Maybe you should just learn to use this. [hands Lisa a whistle] If there's a war, just blow on it, and I'll come help you. -- Rangemaster at military school, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % That night, Lisa makes a phones home. "I am just calling home," she % reassures herself, "I am not asking to =come= home." That's a good % thing, because Homer isn't in the position to answer the phone. % (After all, that would involve sitting up.) So, Lisa tries her luck % with Grampa. Nurse: [answers phone] Simpson. Grampa: Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news! Lisa: Oh, Grampa! You're not busy, are you? Grampa: Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges ... [later] ... and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain ... [much later] ... and, that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call. Lisa: Uh huh. So, anything else you want to talk about? Grampa: I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Uh, anyway, other people need to use the phone. [holds up receiver] Jasper: Uh, uh. I've already talked to her twenty damn minutes. -- Reach out and touch someone, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Dejected, Lisa hangs up. On her way out, she notices some mail from % home in her pigeonhole. She takes it over to Bart's barrack and % knocks on the door. The commotion inside immediately dies down, and % Bart answers the door. Bart: What is it? Lisa: Bart, I got a cassette from Mom and Dad. I thought we could listen to it together. Bart: Gee, Lis, I'd love to, but this really isn't a good time. Leader: [from inside barrack] Bart! Who are you talking to? Bart: Uh ... Lisa: Lisa! You're talking to Lisa. Bart: I'm talking to ... no one. [closes door] -- Ouch, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The Commandant orders lights out for the night, but when he tries to % leave the barrack in the dark he slams into something. He orders % lights on just long enough to limp to the door, then it's lights out % again. % % Alone in the darkness of her barrack, Lisa listens to the cassette % from home. Marge: [on cassette] Don't worry, sweetie. It's very common to be homesick when you're so far away from the people who love you. Lisa: [pauses tape] Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known ... then went crazy as a loon. [forward the tape a bit, and then resumes playing] Marge: [singing] You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you; so don't take my sunshine away. -- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % [End of Act Two. Time: 14:35] % % The next day, Bart tries to make amends with Lisa. Bart: Sorry I froze you out Lis, I, I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue. Lisa: [sighs] I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit. Bart: But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot. Lisa: Why'd you say that? Bart: I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces. But the point is, you're going to make it Lis, and I'm going to stick by you. Lisa: Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts? Bart: Then I'll just stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker secretly working on a top secret sock that ... Lisa: [interrupts] Will you stop looking at your feet? -- Some look to the heavens for inspiration, some don't, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Later, the Commandant calls an assembly. Commandant: Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills. Bart: [aside to Lisa] My killing teacher says I'm a natural. Commandant: But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale. [the cadets gasp] That was prior to 1957, thank you very much state Supreme Court. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this: [gestures to a field overgrown with thorny bushes. At either end of the field are two platforms mounted on high poles. A rope is strung between each platform] Meet the Eliminator. That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a sixty-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of twelve. The rope is suspended a full forty feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. [turns to cadets] Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country. Lisa: This wasn't in the brochure. -- And you thought finals were tough, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % At lunch, Lisa eats at a table by herself in the crowded cafeteria. % Bart passes her, and slips her a note. Lisa: [reading] Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S., The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you. Ohhh ... [holds her tray up just in time to deflect a fusillade of meatballs] -- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % At the Eliminator, Lisa gets in some secret practice and tries to % crawl along the rope. Despite Bart's encouragement, she slips off the % line and falls toward the thorn bushes. Fortunately, a rope harness % breaks her fall, and Bart swings her over some softer ground by a % tree. Lisa: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough. Bart: I thought you came here looking for a challenge. Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do! -- Getting more than she bargained for, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Bart hears the voices of his cadet-mates drawing closer. Hurriedly, % he hauls Lisa up by the rope into the tree. The cadets and Bart % question each other about their activities, and agree to let each % other's alibi (nothing) pass. After they leave, Bart sighs with % relief. Lisa isn't as relaxed, because Bart has inadvertently hauled % her up next to a beehive. Started by the bees, Bart lets go of the % rope and Lisa lands with a thud. % % It's Eliminator Day. The Commandant announces another policy change. Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the state Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice. Lisa: Yes! Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it. -- Don't get your hopes up too soon, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The Commandant begins subjecting students, in alphabetical order. As % the day wears on, Bart gets his turn, and makes it across with some % grumbling. Good job, Simpson, although that's more cursing than I like to hear from a cadet in peacetime. -- Military school Commandant, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Lisa's turn. Commandant: Next up ... Simp-son, Lis-a. [the crowd falls silent. The cadet leader plays, "Taps." Lisa climbs the ladder to the first platform, as the crowd begins jeering] Lisa: Well, at least they're talking to me. [at the top of the platform, she looks at the ground, which appears to be 400 feet below her, rather than 40. Tentatively, she grasps the rope and starts to cross in hand-over-hand fashion] If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on ... oh, God, I'm delirious. [Lisa's hands slip, and she dangles from the rope by only her legs] Cadets: Drop! Drop! Drop! ... Bart: [steps forward from the crowd] You can make it, Lisa. I know you can! Come on, I know you can do it! Just get your hands back on the rope! Just a little further! [Lisa grabs the rope again and begins crawling] Come on, a little bit more, you're doing great! That's it, come on, just a little bit more! [the other cadets try to silence Bart, but he wriggles free of them] I know you can do it, I believe in you! [and she does it!] Lisa: Yes! [she gets to the next platform, and climbs back down to earth] [arms raised] You said I couldn't but I could I did and I could do it again let's do it again! Bart: Lisa, it's over, you made it. You can put your arms down. Lisa: I can't, they're stuck. -- Winning ... "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % Not everyone is happy with Lisa's triumph. Cadet #2: We're going to make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester. Leader: But, graduation's in three hours. Anderson: We'd better go change! -- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The Commandant addresses the graduating class. The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots. Thank you. -- Military school Commandant's graduation address, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The crowd throws their hats into the air, and cheers. Later, Homer % and Marge collect their kids and get ready to return home. Homer: [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns? Bart: Sir! Yes, Sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir! Marge: Well, he seems to have gotten more confidence. Homer: Uh, yeah, I've always said that the boy could use more confidence. -- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson" % The Commandant awards her with a well-deserved medal, "For % Satisfactory Completion of the Second Grade," and salutes her. Lisa % returns the salute, and admires the medal on the car ride home. Homer % cheerfully announces that since Marge and he are so proud of what they % accomplished, he'll take them to Disneyland "for real." The car pulls % into the huge parking lot of ... the dentist. D'oh! Better luck next % year, kids. % % [End of Act Three. Time: 21:18] ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {al} Andrew Levine {asv} Aaron S. Veenstra {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {bw} Bucky Whaley {cr} Cole Rieger {ddg} Don Del Grande {dga} Dale G. Abersold {dj} Darrel Jones {djp} Dallas J. Pesola {dm} Doug Monroe {dsb} Donni Saphire-Bernstein {ec} Ellen Cohen {el} Emily Landau {hl} Haynes Lee {jg} Jeremy Gallen {jh} Jason Hancock {jk} Joe Klemm {jp} Jouni Paakkinen {ljg} Larry J. Guzman {mg} Masarath Ghiasuddin {mss} Marge Starbrod Simpson {nk} Noah Karchmer {pu} Pamela Udomprasert ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The transcript itself is Copyright 1998 Benjamin Robinson. This capsule has been brought to you by Rommelwood Military Academy: Molding the citizens of tomorrow with pushups and formation marching. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today. Many thanks to Dave Hall and Frederic Briere, who provided me with alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed. This capsule wouldn't be nearly as complete without their invaluable help.