[2F07] Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy                    Written by Bill Oakley and Josh
                                                         Directed by Wes Archer
Production code: 2F07                        Original airdate in N.A.: 4-Dec-94
                                                  Capsule revision G, 12-Sep-96

Title sequence

Blackboard :- My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
              My homework was not stolen/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family run past a constantly repeating background
              which includes the couch and TV.

Did you notice...

Tony Hill:
    ... Homer's pants button pops off?
    ... Michener is on sale for $1.99 a pound?
    ... Al Gore still uses LPs?  [part of his sane planning, no doubt -
    ... Maggie drinks a _huge_ soft drink?
    ... the chairs in the motel lobby have heart-shaped backs?
    ... the towns Abe plans to visit all have names suggesting sexual
        inadequacy?  (Perhaps they should have tried Intercourse, Pa. or
        Climax, Minn.)
    ... Homer actually watched news events in his childhood?  (cf. the
        moon landing in 9F03)

Dave Hall:
    ... Homer and Marge leave the bedroom window open when they snuggle?
    ... Marge plays with Homer's hair strands?
    ... the Rubik's Cube on Al Gore's desk?
    ... Homer and Marge don't wear seat belts?
    ... Marge is the one who tosses the audio tape?
    ... Homer goes straight for the fridge when he gets back from the
        (AAA-approved) motor lodge?
    ... Homer's facial hair grows back really quickly?
    ... Homer's Christmas gift to Grampa is on the toilet seat?
    ... Milhouse's parents sleep in twin beds?
    ... the kid playing in the middle of the road?
    ... Grampa wears shoes instead of slippers in this episode?
    ... the bullet holes in the "Welcome to Spittle County" sign?
    ... no women drink the love tonic?
    ... flashbacks and old photos are both shown in black and white?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Bart's "conspiracy allies" are Milhouse, Richard, Lewis,
        Wendell, Lisa, Ralph, and Janey?
    ... Grampa strangles Homer just like Homer strangles Bart?
    ... Grampa's flowers say "With Deepest Regrets"?

Matthew Kurth:
    ... one of the bottles in Abe's medicine cabinet reads "Asbestos
    ... OFF's bathroom outlets aren't grounded?
    ... Homer only has one pair of pants?
    ... the "Celebrity Voices Impersonated" line in the copyright notice
        during the credits?

Arthur Brandt:
    ... Marge isn't wearing panties before the bath scene?
    ... Homer's shadow is permanently on the wall of the house, just
        like the shadows of people vaporized in the atomic bombings of
        Hiroshima and Nagasaki are on the walls there?

Voice credits

- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Quimby, Abe, man who's had trouble with
      aphrodisiacs, Jack Kennedy, Barney)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Ralph)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (TV announcer, Pentagon officer, hotel manager, John
      Frink, Mr. Van Houten)
    - Harry Shearer (Man in movie, Al Gore, Paul Harvey, Ned Flanders,
      Dr. Hibbert, man who notices Homer's face on the bottle)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Phil Hartman (Troy McClure)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
    - Maggie Roswell (Maude Flanders, Mrs. Frink, Homer's mother)

Movie (and other) references

  + Masters and Johnson's sexology research {rl}
    - their reports coined the term "sexual inadequacy"
    Cheech & Chong {av}
    - the Troy McClure movie is reminiscent
  + "Bull Durham" {ab}
    - scene with Homer and Marge together in bath, complete with candle
  + Hitchcock's "North by Northwest" {bb}
    - this was the first movie to use the train-in-tunnel phallic image
  + "The Naked Gun" {wp}
    - stock footage pictures are the same as when camera cuts away from
      Leslie Nielsen and Prscilla Presley
  + Star Trek episode "Miri" {mk}
    - the children are the only remaining inhabitants: the empty
      downtown street
  + "Flesh and Bone" movie
    - shot of old homestead looks extremely similar to Meg Ryan's
      family's house in movie
    - scene of walking into abandoned house similar to same scene with
      James Caan and Dennis Quaid
  + "The X-Files" {av}
    - conspiracy subplot with Milhouse/Bart as Mulder and Lisa as Scully
  + Oliver Stone's "JFK"
    - "We're through the looking glass, people" muttered by Garrison
  + beginning of Mystery Science Theater 3000 "Human Duplicators" show
    - Homer refers to a hilarious fridge alarm; the Mads invent just
      such an alarm and laugh uproariously throughout the invention

Previous episode references

- [7G01], [7F11] Homer's stubble grows back right after shaving {ddg},
- [7F21] Bart and Milhouse fight in the treehouse; same music as well
- [7F22] "The Brushes are Coming" is seen {jt}
- [9F08] Bart catches Homer and Marge snuggling {rl}
- [9F21] Paul Harvey is heard {th}

Freeze frame fun

- Sign: {mk}
       B O O K S! B O O K S!
       And Additional Books!
          Today's Special:
             $1.99 / Lb.
- Some book titles: {dh}
    - Weight Loss Through Laborious Sex {mk}
    - Bordello Repair Vol.  I
    - Bork on Sex
    - How to Seduce Your Lousy, Lazy Husband
    - Kama Sutra
    - Kosher Erotic Cakes
    - Tanks of the Third Reich {mk}
    - Mapplethorpe {mk}
    - Ueberroth {mk}
    - Audio: Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American (by Paul Harvey)
        - cover shows man dressed as Uncle Sam, woman dressed as the
          Statue of Liberty sharing champagne
    - Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow (by Al Gore)
    - Unidentified Flying Outrage!
        - cover shows a UFO
- Sign: {mk}
   Fantasy Rooms
& Conference Center
- Some rooms at the Aphrodite Inn: {dh}
    - Arabian Nights
    - The Pharaoh's Chamber
    - Caveman Room
    - Safari Room
    - Camelot Room
    - Utility Room
- Stores at the mall: {ddg}
    - WICKED (Wicker?)  EXCESS
- Sign: {mk}
     Now   Entering
S P I T T L E  C O U N T Y
 Birthplace of the Loogie
- Banner: {mk}
Traveling Medicine Show

Animation, continuity, and other goofs

Halfway past the fourth couch in the couch gag, OFF moves, but the
background doesn't.  {mk}

The police cruisers in the movie seem more modern than those that were
around in 1971.  When did they start using blue lights?  {th}

Being from the San Francisco area, I'll point out the slight problem
with the scenes in "Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great Frisco
Freakout"; as they go down the first hill, the Golden Gate Bridge is on
their left, so they're headed north/east (toward downtown) and pretty
much in the eastern part of the city (in the west, the bridge towers
would appear to be much closer together), yet in the next shot, the
skyline is behind them (also, the skyline has two buildings with
"pointed" towers; only the Transamerica Pyramid has a non-"flat" top
(not counting Coit Tower, which (a) isn't downtown and (b) has a rounded
top), and I'm not totally sure it had been built by 1971.)  {ddg}

The master bedroom should face the front of the house.  {dh}

The only way it should have been possible to see Bart climb up to the
roof from Homer's bedroom window is if Bart was climbing the side on
which the window is located (so he'd be facing the window, not turned to
the left); Bart is climbing along a nonexistent wall of the house.

When Marge tells Homer they need to talk, the blanket comes to just
under Homer's pecs.  In the next shot, they're partially covered.  {mk}

The titles on the spines of the books are upside down.  {th}

Marge's book-on-tape has a blue package, yet when she hands it to Lisa,
it's green.  {mk}

When Marge gives her "book on tape" to the cashier, it looks like a
"normal" book (that is, the non-"spine" sides are white), but in the
other shots, all of the sides are the same color.  {ddg}

The book the clerk scans which is supposed to be Al Gore's book is
actually the Ueberroth book.  {mk}

The stereo in OFF's car is an 8-Track player, not a compact cassette
player - and there are no controls for the tape player at all!  {mk}

The first bottle Grampa pours turns from yellow to purple.  {av}

Homer tells the kids to take a taxi to Patty & Selma's after the movie;
doesn't he remember what happened the last time somebody tried to send
Maggie there?  Don't Bart and Lisa remember what happened the last time
_they_ went there?  {ddg}

How did Homer & Grampa get permission to set up a table in the mall?

At the mall, somebody hands Grampa two bills for a $1 bottle.  {ddg}

The love tonic disappears from Frink's hand.  {dh}

When Dr. Hibbert is drinking his bottle, it's half-emptied, yet when he
finishes, the bottle's almost full.  {ddg}

Bart couldn't possibly keep that large book in his back pocket.  {dh}

Except for 1F21, the Simpsons don't have a mail slot on their front
door.  {dh}

Barney already knows how to drive a car.  See episodes 7G08, 7F11, 9F14.

The tire swing changes heights from one shot to the next.

The oil stain is missing from the driveway in some scenes.  {dh}

A match magically appears in Homer's hand.  {dh}

The other stuff on the bookshelf disappears.  {dh}


Tony Hill: This was a very good episode.  It had two distinct plots.
    Grandpa's "think of me" exhortation was beyond hilarious.  The sound
    of the bat rolling off the roof was very realistic.  My only
    complaint is that they should have made the subplot affect the main
    plot.  GVSI gets an A-.

Sean Curran: Although I've supported the show this season while other
    people have trashed it, I'm afraid that tonight's episode sucked.
    Grandpa, who is usually the highlight of the show, got on my nerves
    tonight.  His stupid lines got boring, and the plot was not too well
    thought out.

Paul M. Payton: If you see the Simpsons as a comedy, you'll score this
    episode low.  If you see it as critic for modern American parent-
    child relations, you may score it higher.  Definitely *NOT* a laugh
    a minute show.  I would probably give it a good solid 'B'.  More
    serious than funny.

Marc Singer: The "Stock Footage Festival" and the Al Gore scene were
    hilarious, and even the "reverse vampires" shtick was good.  But
    best of all was the wholly unexpected plot between Homer and Abe.  A
    nice show.

Gary Meadows: I was very enthusiastic about the she show after the first
    act.  The second act seemed to show a slight loss of direction.  By
    the conclusion, I felt the writers dropped the proverbial ball.  I
    guess I would have liked a fourth act to actually tie up the loose
    ends.  B-.

Don Del Grande: B-minus - it started out as if it had potential, but it
    hit its peak just before they reached the home where Homer grew up
    in.  After that, it went downhill, and that ending landed as hard as
    the end of the log ride at Itchy & Scratchy Land without the pad,
    especially since both the original plot and the "conspiracy" subplot
    remain unfinished.

Carl Frank: First act was tremendous.  It provided equal time for us
    Republican fans of OFF.  And the stock footage festival was great as
    well.  The rest of the plot, however, was tired with few highlights
    or references.  Overall rating: B-.

Scott Fujimoto: The beginning was pretty funny, especially the potshots
    taken at Al Gore.  Plus one memorable line: "Dad, I preferred your
    half-assed under-parenting to your half-assed over-parenting."  I
    hope the next episode doesn't have the half-assed plot under-
    development this one had.  My grade: C-/D+

Matthew Kurth: A neat concept, and some wonderful attempts at
    characterization, but the writers tried to stuff more into 22
    minutes than the show could handle, especially Homer's "half-assed
    over-parenting".  A little shaky, but still pretty good. 7.5/10

Yours truly: A hard episode to pin down.  I like the risque nature of
    treating sex in a TV show, and Abe's huckstering was classic, but
    the Homer/Abe plot seemed thrown in and a bit disjointed.  I'll have
    to give it a C.

Comments and other observations


Don Del Grande explains, "This is a disease caused by getting silicon
    particles in your lungs, and is pretty much limited to underground
    miners."  The Guiness Book of World Records (1995) lists it as the
    longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Occam's Razor

Don Del Grande says, "According to Paul Dickson's `The Official Rules',
    the original Occam's Razor (named after William of Occam, who said
    it in the 14th Century, so needless to say this is a translation) is
    `Entities ought not to be multiplied except from necessity'.  This
    has been restated in numerous ways, much as the original Murphy's
    Law has been modified to something simpler, and Lisa's statement is
    a simplification of the original (effectively applying Occam's Razor
    to itself); another version is `When two or more hypotheses serve to
    answer a theory, use the simplest'."

Famous people mentioned in this episode

Tony Hill writes, "James Michener is one of America's greatest
    novelists.  He won a Pulitzer Prize for `Tales of the South
    Pacific.'  $1.99/lb. is a good deal indeed!
    Robert Mapplethorpe is a controversial gay artist whose works
    spawned major art censorship in the late 80s.
    Paul Harvey, said to be one of the 50 wealthiest people in Chicago,
    is a radio newscaster and commentator who was previously referenced
    in `Homer's Barbershop Quartet`, episode 9F21.
    Peter Ueberroth went from being head of the 1984 Los Angeles Olympic
    Organizing Committee to being commissioner of Major League Baseball.
    (Bob Timmermann adds that Ueberroth "was actually chosen to head up
    an organization called Rebuild LA, which was charged with aiding
    economic redevelopment of Los Angeles after the April 1992 civil
    unrest.  He was widely credited with doing a very poor job of
    Al Gore, the 45th Vice President of the United States, is author of
    the best-selling `Earth in the Balance,' an environmentalist work.
    Dwight Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States, and his wife
    Mamie are probably the most sexless people to have lived in the
    White House in modern times.
    Rex Harrison (1908-1990) was a British stage and screen actor.
    Paul Anka is a Canadian singer-songwriter.  [He's most famous,
    probably, for writing the theme to `The Tonight Show' - ed]
    The Rand Corporation has long been involved in incubating right-wing
    causes.  Score points to MG for annoying more Republicans!"

Quotes and Scene Summary

[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]

A TV screen displays "Thou$and Dollar Movie".

Announcer: We now return to the 1971 film, "Good-Time Slim, Uncle
           Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out", starring Troy
            [a multicolored VW bug is chased by police]
      Man: Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then
           what happened to the bag with our stash?
     Slim: There's more than one way to get high, baby.
            [he floors it]
            [Marge, dressed seductively, snuggles with Homey]
    Homer: Please, Marge!  How often can I see a movie of this calibre
           on late-night TV?
    Marge: Is there something wrong, Homey?
    Homer: No!  It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before
           and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye -- er,
           what I meant to say is, uh, we'll snuggle tomorrow sweetie.
           I promise.
-- Homer's promises, never broken, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

A month later, a much fatter Homer groans and sits down on the bed,
sighing "Enchiladas..." Marge, dressed seductively again, turns away
from him, disappointed, as Homer's pants button pops off.

Later that year, Homey and Marge finally get time naked together.

       Bart: [bursting in] Mom!  Dad!
Homer+Marge: Don't turn on the light!  Don't turn on the light!
       Bart: There's a UFO outside my window.  Seriously!
              [in Bart's room]
      Marge: Oh, Bart, it's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.
              [it dislodges and swoops towards the window]
       Bart: Aah!  C-c-can I sleep in there with you guys tonight?
      Marge: No.
       Bart: Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat in case a UFO
             _does_ come?
      Marge: Yes, yes, yes, that's fine.  Good, good.  [walks out]
-- Marge, always the concerned parent, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Back in the parents' bedroom...

Marge: Mmm, I hope you kept the Homey-fires burning.
        [Homer snores]
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Homer, wake up!  Wake up!
Homer: Wha?
Marge: We need to talk about the -- marital difficulties we've been
       having lately.
Homer: Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the
       kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad.  But I
       promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.
Marge: I simply can't wait that long.  Maybe we should get some help...
       how about a book?
Homer: [excited] Ooh, OK!
Marge: A _tasteful_ book.
Homer: [unexcited] Oh, all right.
-- Dear Penthouse Forum, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

{The parents hear a clattering noise as Bart falls off the roof with a
yell.  He rings the doorbell.}

The next day, the family go to "Books!  Books!  And Additional Books!",
where the daily special is Michener at $1.99/lb.  In the "Marital
Relations" section, some of the titles featured are "Weight Loss Through
Laborious Sex", "Bordello Repair", "Bork on Sex", "How to Seduce Your
Lousy, Lazy Husband", "Kama Sutra", and "Kosher Erotic Cakes."

Homer: [looking at Kama Sutra] Hey Marge!  This guy looks like Apu.
Marge: Shh.  I don't want people to see us looking at these books.
        [Bart and Lisa walk up]
 Bart: Hi, guys.  Whatcha lookin' at?
        [Homer and Marge fumble books]
Marge: Um...I'm just reading up on -- ["Tanks of the Third Reich"] --
Homer: Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in -- ["Mapplethorpe"] -- aah!
-- At the book store, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Marge heads to the "Books on Tape" section.

  Marge: This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty.  It's a book
         on tape by Paul Harvey, you know, that nice midwestern man on
         the radio who's like a pleasant version of Grampa?
  Homer: Ooh!  "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American."
   Lisa: Mom!  Dad!  Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only
         99c.  And I found the new Al Gore book.  [holds it up]
  Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
   Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational
         Thinking, Reasonable Future".
   Bart: I'm getting this book on UFOs.  ["Unidentified Flying
         Outrage!"]  Did you know they're real, but there's a huge
         government conspiracy to cover it up?
   Lisa: Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.
          [the man runs Lisa's book over the scanner]
          [a signal travels down through the scanner, over wires, to a
         satellite dish, up to a satellite, and down to the Pentagon]
          [a man in uniform grabs a printout and dashes off to the White
Officer: Mr. Vice President!  Someone finally bought a copy of your
         book, sir.
Al Gore: Well, this calls for a celebration.
          [puts on a Kool 'n' the Gang record: "Celebrate good times...
         I will.
-- Celebrating sanely for a sensible tomorrow, "Grampa vs. Sexual

A tape player plays the Paul Harvey cassette.  Marge and Homer sit on
the bed listening.

     Harvey: Hello, Americans, Paul Harvey here.  Did you know every
             good American is at heart an erotic American?  It's true.
             A famous couple -- I don't need to tell you it was Dwight
             and Mamie Eisenhower -- offered _this_ advice: "Double your
             pleasure with a bath...together!"
              [Homer sits in the bathtub, a lit candle perched nearby]
      Marge: [climbing in, straining] Homey, I can't quite --
      Homer: Faucet's jammed into my back...I'm stuck!
      Marge: [grunts] So am I!
      Homer: [strains; dislodges faucet] Oh!
              [water sprays into Marge's face; a drop extinguishes the
Homer+Marge: Kids?  Kids!
-- "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

In the car, Homer and Marge continue listening to the tape.

 Harvey: A romantic vacation can provide titillation.  Sensual, sanitary
         seclusion awaits you at any of America's fine AAA-approved
         motor lodges.
          [they pull up to the "Aphrodite Inn"]
  Marge: The Arabian Nights Room looks nice.
  Homer: Ooh, the Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus.
Manager: Er, sorry there, Fred and Ethel, you should have made a
         reservation.  We only got one room left.
 Quimby: [dressed in leopard skin] The toilet is overflowing in the
         Caveman Room!
          [Marge and Homer walk past "Safari Room" and "Camelot Room"]
  Homer: Oh, here we are: [opens door] [lusty] the Utility Room.
          [it's a real utility room with two cots]
  Marge: This isn't very erotic.  It's an actual utility room.
  Homer: No, honey: it's a romantic fantasy.  I imagine I'm the janitor
         and you're...the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the
         utility room.
          [they lie down on the cots]
Manager: [walking in] Don't mind me, folks, just need to get the old
         wet-dry vac.
-- With occasional interruptions from the motel manager, "Grampa vs.
    Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer and Marge look less than impressed in the car the next day.

Harvey: By now your new, improved lovelife should have you flinging woo
        like nobody's business.  So to you, Mr. and Mrs. Erotic
        American, I bid...goodday.
         [the tape flies out the car window and onto the road]
         [Homer stops, backs up, and repeatedly drives over the tape]
-- Paul Harvey's love advice fails, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Grampa greets Homer and Marge as they walk in the door.

  Abe: Welcome home, Son.  I broke two lamps and lost all your mail.
       [Marge walks away] What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
  Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
  Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
  Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
  Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N -- yes!  But please, don't _you_ say that word!
  Abe: What, seeeex?  What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly
       father talk about sex?  I had seeex.
Homer: [groans]
-- Once, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer takes Abe back to the Springfield Retirement Castle.

Homer: You're home safe.  Done my duty.  See you the next time we need
       your signature.
  Abe: Aw, you never want to spend any time with me.  Well I can help
       you with your lovin' problem: I got a home remedy that'll put the
       zowsers back in your trousers.
        [walks to sink, plugs it, starts pouring things from his
       medicine cabinet in]
       Legend has it my great grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe when
       he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.
        [bottles some]
       Here you g -- [sees Homer has left] Hey!
        [opens curtains] Here you go, you ingrate.  Think of me when
       you're having the best sex of your life.
-- Ew, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe tosses the bottle out the window to Homer: "Drink it!"  Homer does
so, then twitches and smiles.  He skids away home.

       [Homer opens the door resolutely, then unplugs the TV]
        [the kids, watching it, open their mouths]
Homer: [quickly] Kids!  Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take
       a cab to your aunts' house?  Stay there, phone call you later.
       Now, now, now!
        [sweeps Marge into his arms]
Marge: Whoa!  Homey, what's --
Homer: Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards.
        [carries her upstairs into bedroom, shuts door]
        [a train goes into a tunnel]
        [a rocket takes off]
        [hot dogs are rolled along an assembly line]
        [camera pulls back to show a movie screen; Bart, Lisa, and
       Maggie sit in the front row]
 Lisa: What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now?
 Bart: I dunno.
-- Abe's miracle love tonic does its work, "Grampa vs. Sexual

[End of Act One.  Time: 7:34]

Homer shaves, whistling.  Marge appears at the bathroom door and clears
her throat admiringly.

Marge: Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one.  Ooh,
       hmm.  That tonic really works -- you and Grampa should bottle it
       and go into business together.
Homer: You want me to spend _more_ time with Dad?  What about my New
       Year's resolution?
Marge: You can make a lot of money...
Homer: Yeah!  Where are my pants?
Marge: You threw them out the window in a fit of passion.  You said you
       were never going to need them again.
       {[outside, said pants are stuck in the Flanders' tree]}
Maude: {Oh, hurry Neddy.  They're awful!}
  Ned: {[trying to dislodge them] You just be ready with that garbage
-- Pants of pollution, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

At the Springfield Retirement Castle, Abe mixes a giant batch of tonic
in his bathtub with a canoe paddle.  Homer bottles the concoction.

Homer: Ooh, Mama!  This is _finally_ really happening.  After years of
       disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I _know_ I'm gonna
       get Rich with _this_ scheme...and _quick_!
-- The bottling business begins, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer and Abe set up a stand at the Springfield Mall.

Homer: Sir!  Uh, hello sir!  Yes, you look like a man who needs help
       satisfying his wife.  So --
        [man slugs him in the face]
       Ow!  Oh...I guess people have some sort of _moral_ objection to
       our sex drug.
  Abe: [grabbing bottle] Lemme sell it, you idjit.
        [takes deep breath] Step right up, folks, and witness the
       magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented
       revitalizing toniiic.
        [takes deep breath] Put some ardor in your larder with our
       energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising,
       her-prizing, revitalizing tonic.
        [a large crowd has gathered; they clap and cheer]
-- Abe, closet huckster, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Sales increase dramatically.  Professor John Frink even buys a bottle.

     Frink: N-hey, I doubt very highly that one elixir could boast so
            many fantastic properties.
             [drinks some; turns into a handsome man]
             [smooth voice] What say we am-scray outta here and have a
            wild wingding at the cyclotron, doctor?
Mrs. Frink: [geeky] Anything you _say_, professor!  Whoa...
-- John Frink discovers Simpson & Son's tonic, "Grampa vs. Sexual

Milhouse's parents cash in, too.

Mr. Van Houten: Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together...and I found
                something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it
                to him] a pup tent!
      Milhouse: Oh, boy!  Now I can sleep out in the yard.
Mr. Van Houten: Yeah!  Every single night...
-- The Van Houtens discover Simpson & Son's tonic, "Grampa vs. Sexual

Milhouse sets up tent in the yard as his parents' shadows kiss and close
the drapes.

{Dr. Hibbert has some qualms about the new tonic.  He reveals his fears
to his seductively-dressed wife who lies on their bed.}

Hibbert: {I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect people feel is
         actually a mild form of poisoning -- no doubt a result of the
         unsanitary conditions in Grampa Simpson's bathtub.  Nonetheless
         -- [drinks some] Ah.
-- Dr. Hibbert, romantic to the core, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Down Main St., not an adult can be seen.  Bart and Milhouse survey the

Milhouse: What's going on?  Where are all the grown-ups?
  Nelson: Who cares?  With no adults, I _run_ this city.
           [pauses, looks awkward]
          Um...carry on.  [walks off]
    Bart: Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals
          acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or
          other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions."
Milhouse: Jeez...if it's in a book, it's _gotta_ be true!
    Bart: Scary, no?  [points at author's photo] And _this_ guy's head
          of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of
   Ralph: [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me?  My parents
          aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
-- The love tonic's side effects, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer and Abe prepare for a road trip.

  Abe: Hurry up!  We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to
       visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid...
Homer: Great.  I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that
       wheezy windbag.
        [in the car]
  Abe: And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation.  Now as for
       _your_ generation --
Homer: [groaning] Ohh.
-- "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

At one of their stops...

  Abe: And for the minimal outlay of one dollar, you can take home a
       bottle of liquid Lothario, distilled Don Juan, catalytically-
       carbonated Cassanova.  Lock old Rover in the shed, 'cause man has
       a new best friend in Simpson & Son's revitalizing tonic.
  Man: I'm not convinced!  I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs.
  Abe: All question will be answered, all fears will be allayed, with
       one incontrovertible demonstration.  May I have a volunteer from
       the audience?  [points to Homer] Yes, _you_ sir.
       Now, sir, you've never seen me before, is that correct?
Homer: [wooden] That is correct.
  Man: Well then how come his face is on the bottle?
Homer: [pause] Um...
  Abe: [pause] Um...
-- Salesmen stumpers, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

The pair get chased out of town.

       [banjo music plays]
  Abe: You're the worst shill I've ever seen!  You're a disgrace to the
       medicine shill business.
Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway
        [turns radio off; banjo music stops]
        [pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]
-- How to avoid being ridden out of town, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

From his treehouse, through a telescope, Bart observes men chugging the
tonic and running indoors to their female partners.

    Bart: OK, it's not _painfully_ clear the adults are _definitely_
          paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
Milhouse: You fool!  Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy?
          Or have they gotten to you too?
           [he and Bart start wrestling]
    Lisa: Hey!  Hey, hey, stop it!  Stop it!  Why are you guys jumping
          to such ridiculous conclusions?  Haven't you ever heard of
          Occam's Razor?  "The simplest explanation is probably the
          correct one."
    Bart: [condescending] So what's the simplest explanation?
    Lisa: I don't know.  Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they
          have to get home before dark.
Everyone: Aah!  Reverse vampires!  Reverse vampires!
           [Lisa sighs]
-- "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

As Homer and Abe continue their drive.  Abe points out an old house in a

  Abe: Hey, wait a minute!  That's Amos Pearson's moose farm.  Make a
       right here.
        [Homer does so; they get out]
Homer: Ew!  Why are we stopping at this dump?
  Abe: That's the house you grew up in, son.
Homer: Wow.  Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.
  Abe: Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63.  Farm went
       bust after the cows started giving sour milk.  Something must
       have spooked 'em good.
        [flashback to young Homer in the barn]
Homer: Nah, stupid cows!  Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah!  [flaps
       tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo!  Aah!  Aah!
-- Something, indeed, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

They walk in the front door

  Abe: Oh, memories!  If this old place could talk, it'd say --
        [pulls light cord; ceiling collapses, piles vase, chair,
       toaster, and tricycle on Abe's head]
Homer: Heh heh heh -- [bathtub falls on him]
-- Sticks and stones, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Both walk into the former living room, bruised and groaning.

         Abe: [points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King.
              You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on
               [young Homer's shadow is burned into the floor and wall]
               [flashback to Homer watching Kennedy]
     Kennedy: If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with
              yet another flip remark.
               [reporters laugh, sigh]
       Homer: Wow.  [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am,
              er, uh, President Kennedy.
Mrs. Simpson: Oh, Abe: maybe our Homer could grow up to be President
              some day.
         Abe: You, President?  This is the greatest country in the
              world.  We've got a whole system set up to prevent people
              like you from ever becoming president.  Quit your
              daydreaming, melonhead!
               [back in the present]
         Abe: Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.
-- The more things change..., "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement?  Maybe I could
       have been something more than I am.  Like a travel agent, to a
       great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator
  Abe: Who are you to complain?  You locked me up in a home and give me
       the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
        [in the car]
Homer: Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me.
  Abe: That's 'cause you're a screw-up.
Homer: _You're_ the screw-up!
  Abe: Why you little -- [strangles Homer]
Homer: All right, all right.  That's it: we're going home!  I'm sick of
       you and your stupid tonic.
  Abe: If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have
       never been born and I'd have been happy.  You were an accident!
Homer: [gasps, stops car] Get out.
  Abe: I'm sorry I said that.
Homer: Out.
  Abe: I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in
       your heart not to drive away -- [Homer skids off]
       Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army
        [that night, Abe still stands there] Dang.
-- The painful truth comes out, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

[End of Act Two.  Time: 15:46]

The doorbell rings.  Homer answers it to find Abe standing there with a
bunch of flowers.  "I'm sorry --" he begins, only to have Homer slam the
door and walk away.  Abe, not to be discouraged, shoves the flowers
through the mail slot and waves through it, "Hi."

Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your
Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life.  He said I
       was an accident...he didn't want to have me.
Marge: You didn't want to have Bart.
Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to _tell_ the child.
Marge: You tell Bart all the time!  You told him this morning.
Homer: [plaintive] But when I do it, it's cute.
-- Double parenting standards, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

In the treehouse, the neighborhood kids try to figure out what's up with
the adults.

    Bart: So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with
          the adults.  Milhouse?
Milhouse: [steps up to blackboard] Ahem.  OK, here's what we've got: the
          Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people --
    Bart: Thank you.
Milhouse: -- under the supervision of the reverse vampires --
    Lisa: [sighs]
Milhouse: -- are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish
          plot to eliminate the meal of dinner.  [sotto voce] We're
          through the looking glass, here, people...
-- A conspiracy theory Oliver Stone would be proud of, "Grampa vs.
    Sexual Inadequacy"

Homer talks to his children about the situation with Abe.

       [Bart eats a candy bar]
Homer: Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky,
       nutty, chewy, chocolatey -- put it away, boy!  -- situation.  And
       your daddy has realized something very important: a father should
       always make his kids feel wanted.  Starting right now I promise
       to spend a lot more time with you and give you the attention you
        [gets up, hugs Bart and Lisa really tight so they can hardly
-- Homer's contract with his kids, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Abe, meanwhile, continues to try selling the tonic.

   Abe: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my
        own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son,
        my son, Barney!
Barney: [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting
        slob.  [belches]
   Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.  [HS]
   Abe: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol
Barney: Oh -- [collapses]
-- Oh, well that's OK, then, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Everyone walks away, unimpressed.  "It just ain't the same without
Homer," Abe laments.  "He knew how to drive a car," he continues,
walking to the next town.

Homer, meanwhile, has Maggie strapped to his chest.  He eats potato
chips, the crumbs showering his younger daughter.

Homer: Son...my dear son, from now I'm going to be a good and attentive
       father.  And for starters, your old man is going to teach you how
       to ride your very first bike.
        [brings out a girl's bike; starts riding it; it breaks]
 Bart: Number one, I know how to ride a bike.
       Number two, I already own a bike.
       And number three, _that_ is a girl's bike.
Homer: You're no girl, you're a boy.  A good boy.  You can be President
       -- scratch that, you _will_ be President!
-- Grand aspirations, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Off-camera, Lisa calls "Daaad!"

Homer: I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing!
 Lisa: No, Dad, I want to get down.  This tire is filthy and the steel
       belts are poking me.
Homer: [pushing her] Whee!  Whee!
 Lisa: Nooo!  Nooo!
 Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot
       more fun than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
 Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
Homer: [sighs] Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love.  But
       now I've got to go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
        [gets into car, drives off]
 Bart: I'm sure he meant to say, "serious drinking".
 Lisa: That's what I assumed.
-- His kids know him well, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

He goes back to the old house where he was born and walks in.  "Here's
where it all started to go wrong," he laments.  "How am I supposed to be
a good dad when I never had one myself?"  He kicks the wall, dislodging
an old book from a shelf.  It falls open to reveal a photo of young
Homer greeting Santa Claus on Christmas morning.  He strikes a match and
examines it.  "Oh, Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning when I
actually got to meet Santa Claus.  Some father...wait a minute!"  He
looks more closely at Santa and realizes it was Abe dressed up.  "Aw,
this photo is a blessing.  It eases my pain."  But the match he's
holding makes the photo catch fire.  He tosses it away, screaming, as
fire spreads around the room.

Meanwhile, in another room of the same house, Abe stands in front of the
fireplace (which has a fire burning in it).  "This tonic's caused me
nothing but trouble," he observes.  "You've done all the damage you're
going to do!" he cries, throwing the bottle on the fire.  It explodes,
spraying rings of fire everywhere.  Abe runs out, yelling.  Homer, too,
runs out of the house, and the two collide on the front porch.

Homer: Dad!
  Abe: Son!
Homer: I'm a screw-up.  I burned down our house.
  Abe: No, I'm a screw-up.  _I_ burned down our house.
Homer: You know what?
  Abe: What?
Homer: We're _both_ screw-ups.
  Abe: It doesn't matter.  What matters is, you were right when you told
       me I never said anything nice about you.
Homer: [fearful] So...are you going to say something nice now?
  Abe: Well I hadn't thought _that_ far ahead.  [pause] Oh, OK, here it
       goes: I'm not sorry I had you, son.  I was always proud...that
       you weren't a short man.
Homer: Aw, Dad!
        [they hug as the house roof caves in]
  Abe: What do you say we roll on the grass, Son?
Homer: I'm with you, Dad.
        [they roll around, shouting, trying to extinguish the flames on
       their clothes]
-- All's well that ends well, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 20:58]


   {ab}  Arthur Brandt
   {bb}  Bill Bug
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {mk}  Matthew Kurth
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {wp}  Werner Peeters
   {jt}  Juha Terho
   {av}  Aaron Varhola
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)