Miracle on Evergreen Terrace                              Written by Ron Hauge
                                                      Directed by Bob Anderson
==============================================================================
Production code: 5F07                     Original Airdate on FOX: 21-Dec-1997
Capsule revision A (27-Dec-2000)
==============================================================================
> TV Guide Synopsis
==============================================================================
   None submitted.

   [For the sake of reference, here is a TV Guide-like synopsis: When Bart
   accidentally burns down his family's Christmas tree and presents, the
   whole town chips in to give them a worthwhile Christmas. But his conscience
   begins to eat at him.]

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard: RUDOLPH'S RED NOSE IS / NOT ALCOHOL-RELATED
            RUDOLPH'S RED NOSE IS / NOT ALCOHOL-RE at cutoff

Couch:      The family are in a snowglobe, which is shaken up. Homer marvels,
            "oooh!"

==============================================================================
> Didja notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Homer doesn't keep his eyes on the road in the opening?
   ... Maggie sucks on her Christmas cookie like a pacifier?
   ... the family came downstairs at pretty much exactly seven o'clock?
   ... how long it takes for Homer to realize the situation and gasp?
   ... Lou wears a Christmas tie?
   ... Rodd and Todd have a pony? [Lets hope Lisa didn't see.]
   ... when Kent interviews Marge, Lisa and Bart are hugging her?
   ... a fish is caught in the car explosion?
   ... when everyone attacks Bart, you can hear Lisa grunting, "I'm gonna kill
       you," followed by Homer, saying "I'm killing him first"?
   ... the Jewish Hanukkah illustrations on the Krusty Burger windows? [A
       Menorah, Star of David etc.]
   ... the abuse written on OFF's car as they approach Krusty Burger?
   ... Chief Wiggum has a Life in Hell doll?

Nathan Mulac DeHoff:
   ... Kent Brockman shakes Homer's right hand with his left?

Jordan Eisenberg:
   ... the money in the register is stuffed to the rim?
   ... Bart's newly wrapped fire truck came complete with batteries and
       water?
   ... what happened to the fish that Captain McAllister donated?
   ... the Flanders eat their Christmas Dinner at a fast food restaurant?
   ... the kid spitting in the burger has the same voice as milhouse?
   ... Superintendent Chalmers took their rug?
   ... Chief Wiggum has a Life in Hell doll?
   ... the Simpsons really have that many pills in its cabinet (Maybe for 
       grampa)?

Andrew Gill:
   ... Homer parks over 3 handicapped spots, again?

Don Del Grande:
   ... unlike in the first Christmas episode:
       ... the Christmas lights actually work?
       ... Homer has money on Christmas Eve?
       ... Santa's Little Helper is there?
       ... Patty and Selma aren't there on Christmas Eve?
   ... unlike in the second Christmas episode:
       ... the tree isn't flocked?
       ... they didn't buy any presents until Christmas Eve?
   ... in the opening, when everybody else mouths "Oooh!", Maggie's mouth is
       wide open?
   ... Bart has an old-style LED watch?  (If you asked "Why didn't Bart set
       the watch on his alarm?", most LED watches didn't have them)
   ... when everybody is singing "Here Comes Santa Claus", Homer suddenly
       sings the words from "Jingle Bells"?
   ... one of the girls in Lisa's class looks like Sherri/Terri?
   ... not only did the house not burn down when the tree burned, but most of
       the presents - and their wrapping - were intact when the melted tree
       was uncovered?

Tony Hill:
   ... the ignition in Homer's car is in the dashboard rather than on the
       steering column?  (typical of pre-1970s cars)
   ... the kids watch a fire on TV as a fire burns in the background?
   ... OFF has a portable TV instead of the usual console?
   ... Moe's rats are dressed as reindeer?
   ... Cliff's is open Christmas Day?
   ... Alex Trebek is among those looting the house?

Haynes Lee:
   ... Lisa is wearing her toque from "Mountain of Madness"?

Ondre Lombard:
   ... how much stealing augments this episode?  (Homer steals from shoppers
       to obtain Christmas gifts, then Bart prevaricates about a burglary,
       then the town steals everything the family owns.)
   ... Bart is wearing a watch to bed?
   ... Bart doesn't turn out the bathroom light after he goes out the
       bathroom?
   ... the head of Homer's beer is the same color as the beer instead of
       white?
   ... Sideshow Mel is dressed in his usual outfit (which is next to nothing)
       in spite of the snow and cold weather?
   ... the Crazy Old Man is coherent and working in a TV/electronics store? 
   ... the car dealer looks remarkably similar to the informant who kept
       following the family around with commentary on I&S robots in 2F01?
   ... we haven't seen Homer in his radiation suit in a while?
   ... Jeopardy! proves to us just how much Marge doesn't know?
   ... so far every episode written by Ron Hauge has had different music for
       the end credits instead of the regular end song?

John Ogan:
   ... the irony in a toy fire truck starting a fire?
   ... the wrinkles under Marge & Homer's eyes after Bart tells them that a
       burglar stole the tree and the presents?
   ... Lisa can play the piano, as well as the guitar [9F15] and the
       saxophone?
   ... Lisa calls Homer "Daddy"?
   ... the looters don't take the light bulbs from the house?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... this is the first episode to be rated TV-G?  (see "Personal Comments &
       Observations" for more fun with ratings)
   ... Lou -- or is that Eddie -- is wearing a Christmas tie while
       investigating the burglary at the Simpsons'?
   ... Moe's Tavern is open for business on Christmas Day?
   ... during Kent's interview, Lisa didn't seem that thrilled with the
       prospect of getting a sweater?

Mike Smith:
   ... Moe's Tavern opened on Christmas Day?

Aaron Varhola:
   ... TV-G?  "Craptacular" and the two drug references (the "pharmaceutically
       enhanced" seniors and Krusty and Otto looking to get the Simpsons'
       prescriptions) would point to a TV-PG rating, not to mention...
   ... what Lisa does to Bart after Homer takes over choking him?  Look where
       all four of Lisa's kicks land. Ouch!

==============================================================================
> Voice credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castallaneta (Homer, Grampa, Barney, Krusty, Sideshow Mel)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph Wiggum)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Chief Wiggum, Lou, Moe, Apu, Kliff -- the Kar Salesman,
        store clerk, Carl, Jeopardy judge, Comic Book Guy)
   - Harry Shearer (Jasper, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman, Captain McAllistar,
        Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Lenny)

- Also starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Patches)
   - Tress MacNeille (Poor Violet)
   - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel)
   - Maggie Roswell (Miss Hoover)

- Special guest voice
   - Alex Trebek (himself)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Miracle on 34th Street" (movie)
     - obvious inspiration for episode title

   + Tickle Me Elmo (toy)
     - this doll appears to have inspired Krusty brand products {bjr}

   + "It's a Wonderful Life" {bjr}
     - the closing scenes of this durable Jimmy Stewart film get the
       "Simpsons" parody treatment.  Some specific parallels are:
       - as a dejected Homer returns home, Marge meets him at the door,
         telling him a miracle happened.  The same thing happens when Stewart
         comes home at the end of the movie
       - in the movie, the gathered throng breaks into "Hark, the Herald
         Angels Sing."  Here, Lisa is kind enough to grace us with her version
         on the piano
       - ... and while Lisa plays the piano, Homer snaps at her.  Jimmy
         Stewart does the same thing to one of his kid.  In the movie though,
         this happens <before> the townspeople show up (before he meets
         Clarence the Angel, in fact), rather than during the reverie

   + Simpsons House Giveaway
     - the townspeople taking away all the Simpsons possessions is analogous
       to the Simpsons house having all Simpsons related items removed before
       it is handed over {hl}

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- [MG46] Homer dangles from one leg after a fall {ddg}
- [7G01] "I love you, Marjorie" {ddg}
- [7G08], [3F07] Christmas special time
- [7G08] Homer goes Christmas shopping
- [7G08] Homer does a really crappy lights display on the house
- [9F01] house fire {ddg}
- [9F04] Alex Trebek mentioned {hl}
- [7G09], [9F07], [5F06] The Simpsons purchase a new vehicle {nmd}
- [9F07] looks like Barney kept his Plow King business, after all {bjr}
- [2F13] Bart went down the drain counter-clockwise {th}
- [2F21] Homer parks across multiple handicap spaces
- [3F07] "Try-N-Save" resurfaces
- [3F19] Lisa is mistaken in her belief that Santa is present {jo}
- [4F10] OFF's car slides about on ice

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Things causing Bart distress in his dream {th}
   - Raft on fast-moving stream
   - waterfalls
   - Elephant spouting water
   - Oscillating sprinkler
   - Thunder and lightning
   - Fire fighters with hoses
   - "Go! Go! Go!  We're number one!  Give me a P!  P!"


- Sign in Moes [covered by Barney's head]

    CELEBRATE
       THE
  HOLIDAYS WITH
       DUFF!


- Moe's tip jar

      MARCH
        OF
      DIMES


- Sign {bjr}

   KLIFF'S
 KAR CHALET


- Newspaper headline

     SIMPSONS SCAM
      SPRINGFIELD

  Angry Mob
  Mulls Options


- Items each person stole {ol}

  Ms. Hoover      -   Boat Painting
  Chalmers        -   Mattress (?)
  Hans Moleman    -   Stove/Oven
  Wiggum          -   Stuffed animals, including Maggie's rabbit squeak-toy
  Lenny           -   Aflame firelog
  Comic Book Guy  -   Silverware
  Alex Trebek     -   Food
  Krusty          -   Medicine
  Ned Flanders    -   His own gas grill
  Moe             -   Family portrait, tennis racket
  Apu             -   Snowball I and Santa's Little Helper
  Skinner         -   Goldfish Aquarium
  Ms. Krabappel   -   VCR

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
= The inside of the car is snow-less once Homer and Marge reach the store.

= In the store, Homer takes off one glove, but both gloves are gone when he
  grabs the microphone.

= In the first scene shown at home, there are no names on the stockings hung
  over the chimney, but when Marge has the alarm clocks, the names are there.
  {ddg}

= The lights dim after Bart sets the tree on fire. {je}

= The sky is pink when Bart pulls the tree out of the door, and then it
  turns dark again, only to become pink at 7:01 AM.

* How can it take two hours for Bart to simply use the bathroom, open one
  Christmas gift, burn up the tree and then bury a small block of plastic
  under snow?  (It all takes place so quickly.) {ol}

* The Simpsons have had a real Christmas tree before.  Remember the one they
  took to the dump in "In Marge We Trust"? {nmd}

= That hose thing in the sink shouldn't stretch that far. {nmd}

* Since when has a remote-controlled toy contained water? {ol}

* If Jasper can't feel anything below his chin, how can he walk? {ol}

* Why would the fireplace be lit when OFF is out? {je}

@ The family's voices should be more echoed and hollow since there isn't
  anything in the house. {ol}

* In 3F03, Homer has been seen having a pretty competent gas grill.  I find it
  hard to believe Ned's would be on the list of items Homer has stolen from
  him. {ol}

* Three big errors took place in he Jeopardy scene. First, Marge cannot
  appear on the show unless she gets a tryout. Second, anyone that is on the
  minus does not play in Final Jeopardy. Last, only the winner gets the money.
  The losers get prizes. {jk}

= People change places when stealing OFF's stuff.

* Where did the washcloth come from? {je}

* If all the family's possessions except a washrag are taken near the end,
  shouldn't that include lamps and light bulbs? Then how come the lights are
  on at the end of the show (it's clearly night outside), and how can the
  lights be turned on in the parting exterior shot? (If you look at the shot
  of the living room right after all's been taken, you can see something on
  the ceiling that looks like the leftovers of a removed light fixture.) {dj}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold: This one was totally unexpected for me.  After the
   lackluster effort that was the last Christmas special, I was awaiting yet
   another pale attempt to match the glorious past of The Simpsons.  Instead,
   we get the best episode of the season so far.  This captures the spirit of
   the original Christmas special of 8 (count em, 8) years ago: The Simpsons
   can't win for losing... yet in a quieter way, they do win in the end.
   This one was both moving and very funny, just like all the greatest
   episodes are.  No, I don't care about the open-ended ending.  That sort of
   thing doesn't bother me.  It's much worse when there is an obvious attempt
   to get everything back to the way it was when the episode started.
   (Grade: A)

Jeff Dean: I didn't find the parts with the orphan kids funny at all. The
   scenes they were in featured "jokes" that were in very poor taste. The rest
   of the episode was OK. There were some good scenes (Bart's dream sequence
   was top-notch, as are most scenes done in such a surreal way), and some
   jokes that worked. On the other hand, there were some jokes that kind of
   dragged. It began pretty well and ended on a sour note. (Grade: B-)

Nathan Mulac DeHoff: I think that this was probably the weakest of the three
   Christmas  episodes.  It had some good parts, like Homer's shopping, Kent
   Brockman's reporting, Bart's burglar description, and Lisa strangling Bart
   (which would have more effective if I hadn't already seen it in the
   commercials).  Bart's dream was also amusing, although the writers really
   seem to be overdosing on the bathroom gags this season.  Some parts seemed
   overly sentimental, however, and the family seemed to be a bit too close,
   and even mushy, for the Simpsons.  I wish they had done more with Marge
   being on "Jeopardy" (like letting us see at least a little of the actual
   game), and the ransacking of OFF's house, while amusing, did not seem to
   have been thought through by the writers.  How much do you want to bet that
   they'll have all their stuff back next week? (Grade: C-)

Jordan Eisenberg: I liked this episode. Good plot, intelligent gags, awkward
   presentation.  Definitely worthy of a syndication slot next to a 7th season
   ep. (Grade: B+)

Andrew Gill: I know these characters, but not from OFF.  The characters
   seemed to be characatures of themselves in this ep.  Trite plot, lack of
   humor, Bart-must-be-the-center style all contributed to the grade.  The
   writers have sold out, yet again.  I haven't seen an ep like this since
   season 1. It also seemed as if the episode started in about the last minute
   -- i.e. the entire ep could have been condensed into act I.  All in all, a
   big disappointment. (Grade: D)

Don Del Grande: Four words - "best episode in years".

Tony Hill: This would be an OFF classic but for the plastic reality ending.
   The scripts have needed major work in continuity this season.  Doesn't
   anyone familiar with the show edit the scripts?  Worse, we were dealt with
   yet another bathroom gag, the hallmark of the 9th season. (Grade: C+)

Joe Klemm: This is the worst episode of the season so far! The first act was
   fine, but when Bart destroyed the gifts. It went downhill from here, while
   there was some funny moments, the plot was very mean. Even the ending was
   pathetic. (Grade: F)

Haynes Lee: The most pointless TV Christmas special since the Star Wars
   Christmas Special. My vote for "worst episode ever". (Grade: F)

Ondre Lombard: A pretty promising story beset by minor, but mystifying,
   indiscrepencies and a depressing "ending."  There were some good jokes in
   there, (the millionth potty emergency joke notwithstanding) and like I
   said, a promising story, but there were too many bad problems.  Like for
   example, Kent Brockman's editorials on both accounts stepped over the
   journalistic line and into the realm of unprofessionalism and bias.  And
   this isn't the only "That Could Only Happen In Springfield" incident.
   There is also no consequence to the town for their backward "two wrongs
   make a right" method of self-pacification -- robbing the Simpsons.  Not to
   mention as soon as the Simpsons are hated by the town, the main premise
   with Bart takes an unfinished end.  The real depressing part, is the whole
   ending.  And it's bogus, too. Because by the next episode, they will have
   all their stuff, with no explanation of how.  A disappointing, and
   depressing C. (Grade: C)

Michael K. Neylon: Overall, I'm extremely disappointed.  I rarely get angry
   at an OFF episode, but this one had me ticked off at times. Beyond some of
   the jokes in the first act, there was very little that could be salvaged
   from this episode. It would have been better to keep this one locked up,
   leaving us with only 2 XMas episodes, instead of 3. (Grade: F)

John Ogan: I enjoyed this episode.  We may have to consider it immune to
   continuity (as the episodes from "that other holiday" are often
   considered), so don't be too surprised if OFF has a house full of
   furniture come the next new episode.  Classic moments include Kent
   Brockman's on-camera insult to the burglar, Homer's job of decorating the
   house, the scene in the fast food restaurant, and most importantly, when
   Marge tells Homer of the "miracle", and he makes the comment about the
   silverware.  This episode made me think of the Simpsons from the earlier
   seasons for some reason, and ended up without insulting the viewer.  I
   had initially thought to review this one harshly, but after
   thinking about it, I tossed out my red pen out the car window and held
   onto the green one. (Grade: B)

Mark Aaron Richey: The entire second half of the episode was rather
   depressing, since I really didn't like the images of OFF getting shunned
   by even the Flanders (why couldn't Ned, at least, have shown some mercy?).
   I always like seeing Bart's humanity come through (when he tried to refuse
   the orphans' dollar, and his pleas to donate the money to charity), but as
   soon as the scam is exposed, he fades into the background.  Alex Trebek's
   cameo was one of the most disappointing ever.  I think an entire episode
   (or at least a subplot) could be built around Marge (or Homer)'s appearance
   on "Jeopardy!", and I was disappointed to see it go by in 30 seconds.  The
   end produced a "We forgive you-NOT!" ending, typical for the Simpsons, but
   this one left a sour taste in my mouth, not the least because they will
   regain all their possessions without a word of explanation.  Black humor
   is fine, but it simply didn't work in this episode. (Grade: C)

Benjamin Robinson: Fox's third "Simpsons" Christmas special primarily shows
   how good the first one was.  Actually, this one isn't bad, but it lacks the
   comic "zest" and the emotional impact that mark the best episodes.  On the
   plus side, the basic plot structure and characterization are okay, and
   there are some good gags, especially in the first act.  It may not be the
   best episode, but I wouldn't take it to the exchange counter. (Grade: C+)

Aaron Varhola: This episode wasn't as bad on repeated viewings, but it shows
   a major fault of recent Simpsons episodes; the gags and one-liners in this
   episode were on target, but the story falls apart after Bart confesses.
   Compare this to the successful "Bart vs. Thanksgiving" and cringe.  The
   "Jeopardy" scene was wasted; it could easily have been a subplot.
   (Grade: D+)

Yours truly: A nice episode! The opening was good, and it was good to see
   things wrapped up in the end (although by stupid means), but there were
   plenty of great gags and emotion throughout the episode. (Grade: B)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> The "G" is for "Go Figure"

Benjamin Robinson shares a little info on those biased Christmas lovin' goofs
   at the censorship office: In the grand tradition of family Yuletide
   entertainment, tonight's episode was rated TV-G.  (Typically, "The
   Simpsons" draws a TV-PG rating.)  Curiously, the ratings board didn't mind
   the inclusion of the word "craptacular", or Lisa and Homer's joint
   throttling of Bart, which to me would have signaled a TV-PG rating.


>> And if you liked it the first time ...

Benjamin Robinson: Here in the U.S., "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace" aired on
   December 21, 1997.  Fox also plans to air it four days later on Christmas,
   for a four day turnaround between the episode's original showing and its 
   repeat airing.  According to Don Del Grande's airdate list, this beats the
   previous record of six days (December 17, 1989 and December 23, 1989).
   That record coincidentally, was set by "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
   (7G08)," the series' first Christmas special.


>> Rudolph's rate is not alcohol related. But is W.C. Fields'?

Haynes Lee explains the blackboard gag: W.C.F. was a heavy drinker who had a
   red nose. This red nose was due to a vein condition in his proboscis, not
   his drinking.


>> Get your finger outta there!

Haynes Lee explains the Tickle-Me-Elmo reference: Tickle Me Krusty saying
   "get your finger out of there" is a reference to the CPD eating human
   appendages/locks of hair last Christmas season.


>> Where Is Springfield?

Ondre Lombard thickens the mystery: Jeopardy! is filmed in Culver City,
   California, wherein lies Sony Pictures Studios.  If Jeopardy! is within
   driving range of Springfield, this puts Springfield closer to the west
   coast.

Tony Hill adds: If this is the case here (although the snow outside the
   studio suggests it isn't), then perhaps Springfield is located in the
   mountains east of San Bernardino, since that region receives snow and is
   located same-day's drive from Culver City.


>> Miscellaneous

- MPAA rating: TV-G {ddg}

- Haynes Lee's alterna-title for 5F07 is "Nightmare On Evergreen Terrace".


>> Musical References

   + "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is a holiday classic penned by Johnny
     Marks {th}

   + "Here Comes Santa Claus" was a hit for Gene Autry in 1949 and was written
     by him and someone named Haldeman {th}

   + "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing," "Jingle Bells" {th}

==============================================================================
> Quotes and scene summary
==============================================================================
% Homer and Marge are driving the car through the snowy streets of
% Springfield. Homer struggles with the heater, thumping it violently.

Stupid heater! Don't make me come in there!
-- Homer threatens the car heater, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Homer breaks the heater open, allowing snow to fly into the car. They
% arrive at Try-N-Save, and Homer parks in a disabled space, and emerges from
% the car dragging one leg as he walks to stay in character.
% When they get inside, it's so packed that there probably won't be any good
% toys left for the kids by the time they reach the shelves. But Homer has a
% cunning plan. He goes to one of the empty cash registers and announces over
% the intercom that his cash register is open for customers to pay for their
% goods. A rush of people populate around Homer, as he takes the toys people
% have chosen, and puts them aside for himself.

Homer: We're outta these.
Woman: Out, but I jus--
Homer: Register 9 is now closed! [Homer stuffs some cash into the cash
       register and makes a getaway]
-- Homer's way of Christmas shopping, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Back at home, the kids watch TV, and Marge comes in with a surprise for
% them.

Hey kids! I made your favorite cookies! Christmas trees for the girls, and
bloody spearheads for Bart!
-- Marge, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Bart plays with his cookie, while Lisa admires the tree.

 Lisa: This year's tree is just perfect! That aluminum one was so fake!
Marge: I couldn't agree more! From now on it's plastic all the way! [Marge
       tugs at a stretchy branch, and lets it snap back]
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

      [a noise is heard on the roof]
Lisa: [gasp] What was that?
Bart: Could it be?
      [the kids rush to the window. Some reindeer fall down, followed by
      Homer, who is hanging by his feet on an electric cable, but soon
      falls. The kids are in hysterics!]
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% The family go outside to see the lights Homer put up. They're a big mess.
% A lot worse than in "Some Enchanted Evening".

It's craptacular.
-- Bart on Homer's Christmas lights display, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% The family are around the tree feeling their wrapped presents trying to
% guess what they've got. Maggie's makes a weird noise.

 Bart: Hocus pocus! Mucus puke-us! My powers of deduction tell me you are
       getting a hand-made sweater, possibly... yellow!
 Lisa: Mom, make him stop!
Marge: Bart, put down that yellow sweater!
-- Yeah, you're ruining the surprise! "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Marge tells the family to get away from their presents. Nobody is to go
% near them until seven o'clock in the morning. And just to make sure,
% Marge has every alarm clock in the house in her possession.

Marge: For once we're going to celebrate Christmas as a family!
       [there's a tapping at the window -- it's Grampa]
  Abe: [hopeful] Hello? Anybody home?
       [Homer sneaks up beside the window, and pulls the shutters down.]
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Later, Bart is drinking water, as Lisa watches.

Ah, twelve glasses of water, that'll wake up nice and early!
-- Bart gets ready for Christmas, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff, I promise not to do anything
bad between now and when I wake up. Amen.
-- Bart praying on Christmas eve, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Bart stumps his elbow on the corner of his drawers (ouch!), and dives onto
% it.

% That night, the tap drips, and Bart has a mysterious dream. He drops out
% of the tap and is washed down the plug hole of the bathroom sink. He
% comes out of a tunnel on a raft, surrounded by water and water-related
% things. It wakes up up, needing to go to the bathroom. But it worked. It's
% 5:04 AM, and nobody else is awake. After visiting the toilet, Bart sneaks
% downstairs. Bart opens his present. It's a toy fire truck that squirts
% water and drives around at the touch of a controller.

[gasp] The Inferno Buster 3000! Oh, I knew Santa wouldn't have time to check
that list twice!
-- Bart gets what he wants, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Bart tests his new toy, and accidentally makes it squirt water onto the
% mains. The toy catches fire from the reaction, and drives into the tree
% without Bart stopping it! The tree catches fire, and Bart rushes to get
% a hose, which doesn't quite reach far enough to extinguish the flames.

[groan] Who designed this house?!
-- Bart tries to put out a fire with a hose that doesn't quite reach,
"Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% The plastic tree melts to the ground. Meanwhile, Homer and Marge lie in
% bed. Marge is awoken.

Marge: Homer, I think I heard a noise!
       [Homer, still asleep, makes a groggy noise similar to the one Marge
       heard. She sighs in relief, and goes back to sleep, breathing quietly.]
Homer: Knock it off!
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Bart drags the melted (now flat) tree into the front garden and shovels
% snow onto it, concealing it! Bart runs back as the sun rises, and the
% family are about to get a shock.

Where's Christmas? Lisa! Where's Christmas...?
-- Homer can't see the Christmas tree, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Bart lies, claiming a burglar took the tree and everyone's presents. He
% puts on one of his great crying shows.

[crying] Can... we... skip... ...church?
-- Homer, when the family's Christmas gifts are apparently stolen, "Miracle
on Evergreen Terrace"

% Soon enough, the police are investigating.

Chief Wiggum: Now, um, what did this Christmas thief look like?
        Bart: Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek.
Chief Wiggum: Anything unusual?
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Bart adds that he had a striped shirt, was an escaped convict, and had a
% sack with a dollar sign on it. The police leave.

Well, theres no easy way to say it, kids... God hates us!
-- Homer, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

Hey, since when is Christmas just about presents? Aren't we forgetting the
true meaning of this day -- the birth of Santa?
-- Bart, Sunday School Skiver, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

 Lisa: Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks?
       That'll make us feel better!
Homer: [moan] Okay, but they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me
       happy!
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% The family are on their way, and pass the Flanders home, inside of which
% the family appear to be having one hell of a time. Homer gets the family
% to pretend to be on skis to impress the Flanders. The Hibberts go by, too.

Milhouse: Hey, look what I got, Bart! A Tickle-me-Krusty! [tickles]
    Doll: [laugh] Hey kid, get your finger outta there!
-- For all ages, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% At the old folks home, the old folks seem to be having fun, too. The
% family leave.

[Happily] I can't feel nothin' below my chin!
-- Jasper, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Homer goes to Moes to have a few beers.

  Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame
       this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [Drunk] Yeah, you're right Moe.. you're always Moe.
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

Barney: Homer, look, your house is on TV!
 Homer: [Drunk] You take that back, Barney!
   Moe: No, he's right, Homer.
 Homer: Stay outta this, old man!
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

I'm Kent Brockman. I'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary, where
a creature <was> stirring last night, and what he was stirring was "up
trouble."
-- Kent Brockman, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Kent speaks to Marge.

Kent Brockman: So when you realized Christmas was ruin, how did you feel?
        Marge: [Annoyed] How'd you think I felt?
Kent Brockman: Absolutely devastated? [turns to camera] "Absolutely
               devastated," the words of a heartbroken mother.
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

So while you're home today, eating your sweet sweet holiday turkey, I hope
you'll all choke -- just a little bit.
-- Kent Brockman, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Homer returns home. Marge greets him at the door!

Marge: Homer, you won't believe what's happened -- it's a miracle!
Homer: Oh, Marge, I don't wanna hear any more about that silver polish!
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% When Homer gets in, there is a crowd of townsfolk who saw their story
% on the news, and opened their hearts to the Simpsons.

Does anyone have change for a button?
-- Mr. Burns giving OFF some money, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

Wow, this really restores your faith in-- LISA, DO YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE
THAT STUPID SONG NOW?!
-- Homer, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Ned Flanders brings in a new Christmas tree.

Hey, heard some no-goodnik stole your tree! Well, we've got a thirty foot'er,
so you can have the top of ours!
-- Ned Flanders, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Lisa brings some orphans to Bart, who are obviously very poor. They give
% Bart a dollar they'd been saving up.  Moe decides to give the Simpsons the
% tips from the bar. Everyone's donations add up to over fifteen thousand
% dollars!

Fifteen thousand mazoolians? Holy shlamola! Whaddya gonna do with all that
kablingy?
-- Yiddish, language of the clowns. Krusty, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% The townsfolk encourage OFF to go wild with their money, and buy something
% wild, spectacular... kajunga, as Krusty might say.

Sideshow Mel: You only live once!
         Apu: [Offended] Hey, speak for yourself.
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

Marge, kids, lets go buy some happiness!
-- Homer, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Homer is at Kliff's Kar Chalet, checking out a nice red car.

          [Homer sits in a car, priced $12,000]
   Homer: Is this car fifteen thousand dollars?
Salesman: It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the
          undercoating for two hundre-- no, four hundred and ninety bucks!
   Homer: What a deal! I'd be a sucker <not> to get it!
    Bart: I don't know about this, dad, shouldn't we give the money to charity
          or some-- Oww!
Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, I jammed you with my pen.
    Bart: Oww! You're still doing it!
Salesman: I know.
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% In OFF's car. Homer goes to fast, and the car starts spinning out of
% control. The family jump out of the car, as it breaks through a fence and
% skids onto some thin ice, which cracks beneath the car, sending the vehicle
% into the cold, briny deep, followed by an explosion.
% The next day, Bart is awake early. The family come downstairs. After Marge
% asking Bart what's wrong...

 Bart: There was no burglar. [the family gasps] I accidentally burned up the
       tree. And the presents. I'm really sorry.
 Lisa: Why you little! [runs over and starts strangling Bart, Homer-style]
Homer: Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! [Homer strangles Bart as Lisa kicks
       Bart]
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Kent Brockman and the news crew appear outside, and the attack stops so the
% family can pose for the camera.

Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman here for a followup with Springfield's favorite
               hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the
               Christmas thief if he's watching?
        Homer: Eh, yes.. Kent. Uh, hello... jerk. We may never find you, and
               we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure
               -- you do exist.
Kent Brockman: Strong words, strong bewildering words.
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% One of the crew uncovers the Christmas tree buried under the snow. The
% family has a lot of explaining to do. They explain everything that happened
% trying to weasel out of the trouble they're in.

   Moe: So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.
Barney: Yeah... Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Outside a store the orphans watch the TV screens.

Orphan: We gave them our vitamin money!
 Clerk: Hey, hey, shoo, you lousy freeloaders! Come back when you get some
        parents!
-- "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

Kent Brockman: In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things. But
               this putrid fraud outstinks them all.
   Camera Man: Aaaaaaand cut.
Kent Brockman: [to OFF] I just wanna thank you folks so much. This has turned
               out to be a really great story for me!
-- Two faced reporter, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% The family are sitting inside, and their windows are getting vandalized by
% angry townsfolk. They drive to Krusty Burger.

Oh no, look at the line! [The townsfolk leave Krusty Burger, muttering insults
about our favorite family on the way out, leaving the place empty.] Ah, front
of the line! Our family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh?
-- Homer, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% The clerks spit into the burgers, and <then> realize who OFF are.  At school
% Lisa gets mistreated by Miss Hoover.

Hi, liar!
-- Ralph, to Lisa, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% Homer tries to evacuate the SNPP employees, but they don't believe him --
% and probably suffer the consequences.

% At home, there's a huge pile of hate mail on the table.

Marge: You'll all get yours in hell, you lying thieving... blanking blankers,
       sincerely, Moe.
Marge: Oh great, now we have to send <him> a card!
-- Dammit, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not!
-- Marge, to Homer, "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"

% To get the town's money back, Marge goes onto Jeopardy -- but loses. When
% they get home, the angry mob is taking the family's possessions. Soon the
% house is empty. Well, all but a washcloth. Once the townsfolk have
% disappeared, having being repaid their debts, the family argue over the
% washcloth. Merry Christmas.

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{je}  Jordan Eisenberg
{jg}  Jeremy Gallen
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jo}  John Ogan
{nmd} Nathan Mulac DeHoff
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{th}  Tony Hill

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
[5F07] capsule copyright 2000, Hari Michael Wierny. (The quotes remain the
property of Fox, and the reproduced articles remain the property of their
respective authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.) Not to be
redistributed in public forum without permission.

Thanks to Benjamin Robinson and Frederic Briere for providing me with the
alt.tv.simpsons archives necessary for compiling the capsule!