The Comic Book Guy File


Originally by Paul Buxton
Maintained by Claus Rasmussen

    Table of Contents:

  1. Characteristics
  2. Major Appearances
  3. Minor Appearances
  4. Items For Sale by the Comic Book Guy
  5. What Is The Comic Book Guy's Name?

    1. Characteristics

  • Yellow skin
  • Brown hair worn in a pony-tail
  • Fat and constantly eating
  • Waddles when walking
  • Highly sarcastic attitude
  • Owns the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
  • 45 years Old
  • Virgin
  • Lives with parents
  • I.Q. of 170
  • Has prescription pants
  • Voiced by Hank Azaria

    2. Major Appearances

  • [7F21] Sold Radioactive Man #1 to Bart, Martin and Milhouse
  • [1F21] Bart tries to sell him animation cel of Scratchy's arm {dl}
  • [2F32] Sells Bleeding gums Murphy's album to Bart {mjs}
  • [2F17] Tells Bart and Milhouse about the proposed Radioactive Man Film
  • [3F02] Dealer in souls
  • [3F07] Gives Bart a lesson in sarcasm
  • [3F13] Copying his screenplay
  • [3F16] Screening 'Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat' on the 75th Anniversary of Itchy and Scratchy
  • [3F18] Sells Hamburglar comic to Milhouse
  • [4F03] Returning the Ultimate Belt
  • [4F12] At the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie signing
  • [4F12] Giving his opinion of Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie to Bart
  • [4F15] Accosted by Rex Banner
  • [4F16] Refuses to honour Bart's credit card
  • [5F02] Vapourised by a nuclear missile
  • [5F11] Downloading pornography from the internet
  • [5F19] Outside Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin's summer retreat
  • [AABF05] At the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con
  • [AABF06] Getting his car washed
  • [AABF08] Part of the Superbowl bus excursion party
  • [AABF18] Member of Mensa
  • [AABF22] Witnesses Bart's rampage
  • [BABF01] As: "The Collector"!
  • [BABF14] Throws out his "She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks" comics
  • [BABF19] Gets interviewed by "Behind the Laughter"
  • [CABF02] Visits Homer's homepage.
  • [CABF04] Becomes a victim of Mr. Burns' pranks.
  • [CABF08] He has a major part in this episode.
  • [DABF14] Buying nachos a the Kwik-E-Mart.
  • [DABF17] Declines to offer his help to Homer.
  • [DABF19] Addresses the man-animals created by Dr. Hibbert.
  • [DABF18] At the Italian restaurant. Sings to Marge's honour.
  • [DABF21] Offers to house the temporarily homeless Simpson family.

    3. Minor Appearances

  • [8F21] Sells T-shirts with Spinal Tap kicking Khadafi.
  • [9F21] Holds stall at the Springfield Swap Meet
  • [2F07] Watching films (with a female companion) at the Stock Footage Festival {tc}
  • [2F17] Plays slot-car racing with Otto
  • [3F10] Forces Bart into buying Mad Magazine Special Edition
  • [3F12] Leaving restaurant with a wheelbarrow full of tacos
  • [3F16] Sells Bart an antique Itchy drawing (CBG is only heard in this scene)
  • [3F20] Seen briefly as the bear is loaded onto the truck and again outside the Immigration and Naturalization Service building
  • [3F23] Waving goodbye to the Simpsons
  • [4F03] Seen briefly at the burlesque house demolition
  • [4F07] Seen briefly at the Kwik E Mart buying provisions
  • [4F13] In the wheelbarrow line at Dr. Nick's clinic
  • [5F04] Reject bachelor
  • [5F07] Empties the contents of The Simpsons cutlery drawer into his pants
  • [5F08] Seen briefly at the carnival
  • [5F23] Getting married at the Movementarians mass marriage ceremony
  • [5F16] Sitting on a Portaloo reading a copy of "Zebra Girl" {je}
  • [5F17] On a bus wearing a helmet and a t-shirt which reads "Dungeon Master" {hl}
  • [5F21] Couch scene - sitting in The Simpsons living room eating popcorn
  • [AABF17] At the "Cash in your legacy" antiques appraisal
  • [AABF17] In the crowd outside Fortune Megastore
  • [AABF20] Seen briefly at The Java Server internet cafe
  • [AABF23] Bashes the new edition of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"
  • [BABF18] Marge steals his prescription pants
  • [BABF20] Among the people who flee over the Springfield Wall.
  • [BABF22] Criticizes a cartoon voice actor.
  • [DABF15] One of the bystanders as Bart rolls home in his plastic bubble.
  • [DABF17] The crowd at the town meeting following the riot.
  • [EABF02] Briefly appears a one of parts candidates for other men for Mrs. Krabappel.
  • [EABF02] In the newspaper under the headline "Closed Pistachio Stymies Fatso".
  • [EABF04] Watches Marge beat up her mugger.
  • [EABF04] Watches the women's bodybuilding finals.

    4. Items For Sale by the Comic Book Guy

  • [7F21] Radioactive Man #72
  • [7F21] Radioactive Man #9
  • [7F21] Radioactive Man #1
  • [7F21] Radioactive Man figurine
  • [7F21] Gutar comic
  • [7F21] Carl Yazstremski 1973 baseball card {hp}
  • [8F21] Spinal Tap T-shirts
  • [9F21] "S' Wonderful, S' Marvellous, S' Krusty" Album
  • [9F21] "Melvin and the Squirrels" Album
  • [9F21] "Spinal Tap" Album
  • [9F21] "Meet the Be Sharps" Album
  • [1F21] Mary Worth telephone
  • [2F32] "Sax On The Beach" Album
  • [2F32] The Ultimate Pog
  • [2F17] Comics: Batboy; Birdguy; Mr. Smarty Pants; Catgirl; Dog Kid; Bat Chick; Snake Kid; Power Person; Manboy; Nick; Treeman; Mr. Hop; Lava Lad; The Human Bee; Mister Amazing; Star Dog; Iguana Girl; Radiation Dude; Radioactive Man
  • [3F02] Alf Pogs
  • [3F02] Bart's Soul
  • [3F02] Krusty comic
  • [3F02] Mary Worth comic strip in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide
  • [3F07] Bonestorm video game
  • [3F07] Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge video game
  • [3F10] Magazines: Sick; Mad Magazine Special Edition; Cracked; Sniff; Poot; Punch
  • [3F16] Krusty lunchboxes; Happy Little Elves lunchboxes; Uncle Ant dolls; Disgruntled Goat dolls; Ku Klux Klam dolls; Itchy figures; Scratchy figures; Antique Itchy drawing
  • [3F18] Photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore
  • [3F18] Hamburglar comic
  • [3F18] Radioactive Man comic
  • [3F18] 'Atomic' cherry bombs
  • [4F03] Ultimate Belt
  • [4F16] Comics: Zebra Girl; Zillionaire; Zoidzilla
  • [4F16] Hardbound Radioactive Man collection
  • [BABF19] Susan B. Anthony Man comic
  • [CABF08] Radioactive Man #1000

    5. What Is The Comic Book Guy's Name?

    This has been much debated on but the fact is that we still haven't been told what the Comic Book Guy's name is. The closest we ever came to finding out was in the [4F12] Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie episode where CBG asked Homer to sign his autograph, "Can you make one out to me, and three out to my friend of the same name". In the 10th Season Superbowl episode Sunday, Cruddy Sunday Lisa actively refers to the Comic Book Guy as "Comic Book Guy".
    Furthermore, in "Behind the Laughter" CBG is credited as "Comic Book Guy", with the profession "Comic Book Guy".

    6. Comic Book Guy Quotes

  • [7F21] Three Men and a Comic Book
    At the 12th Annual 'Close Encounters of a Comic Book Kind'
    CBG:  Tell you what. I'll show you something very special,
          if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind
          your back and keep them there.
    (CBG unlocks briefcase and opens it)
    CBG:  Behold.
    Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man number one.
    CBG:  None other.
    Bart: I bet it's worth a million bucks.
    CBG:  It is my lad, but I will let you have it for a hundred
          because you remind me of me.
    Bart: Aw, all I got is thirty.
    CBG:  Then you cannot have.
    Bart: But I must. Until this moment I never knew why God put
          me on this earth, but now I know, to buy that comicbook.
    CBG:  Your motion is out of place here, son.
    At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
    Martin:   Can you let me have it for forty dollars?
    CBG:      Forty bucks?! Forget it! You made me get off my stool
              for that?
    Martin:   It's all I've got! I sold seeds, I visited my aunt in
              the nursery home, I fished a dime out of the sewer
              for God's sake.
    CBG:      No way. (Turns to Bart) What do you want?
    Bart:     Can I have it for thirty-five.
    CBG:      No! No, freakin' kids. I do not need this, I've got a
              masters degree in folklore mythology.
    Milhouse: Excuse me. Do you have the Carl Yazstremski baseball
              card from 1973, when he had big sideburns?  {hp}
    CBG:      Show me the thirty bucks, 'cos if you a'int got it,
              I a'int getting off the stool.
    (Milhouse waves thirty bucks in the air)
    CBG:      Okay.
    (CBG goes to retrieve the baseball card)
    Bart:     Wait a minute. Martin, if you, Milhouse, and I went
              in together, we could buy a copy of Radioactive Man
              number one right now.
    Martin and Milhouse: Wow!
    CBG:      Here you go, mutton-chop Yaz.
    Milhouse: I don't want it.
    CBG:      Freakin' kids.
    Bart:     Look pal, we've got a hundred bucks and we'd like to
              buy Radioactive Man number one, so why don't you just
              waddle over there and get it.
    CBG:      Yes sir.
    Outside the shop
    Bart:     Wow! Breathe it in boys.
    Martin:   Ah, this is the stuff dreams are made of.
    Milhouse: It smells like my Grampa.
    Bart:     Oh-oh, looks like rain. We'd better get this baby home.
    (All three boys take different directions with one hand on the
    Bart:     Oh-oh.
    CBG:      Looks like you bought more than you bargained for boys.
  • [9F21] Homer's Barbershop Quartet
    At the Springfield Swap Meet
    Bart: What the hell's this?
    CBG:  Melvin and the Squirrels, part of the rodent invasion of the
          early sixties.
  • [1F21] Lady Bouvier's Lover {dl}
    At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
    Bart: Is this cel worth anything?
    CBG:  Huh, let me show you something. This, this is a Snagglepuss
          drawn by Hic Hiesler, it is worth something. This, this is 
          an arm drawn by nobody, it is worth nothing.
    Bart: Can't you give me anything for it?
    CBG:  I can give you this telephone, it is shaped like Mary Worth.
    Bart: Awww.
    CBG:  No groaning in my store.
  • [2F32] 'Round Springfield
    Lisa looks for Bleeding Gums Murphy's album
    Lisa: Two hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that album to honour 
          the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy.
    CBG:  He's dead? Well why didn't you say so.
    (CBG crosses out $250 on the price tag and writes $500)
    Lisa: Awww.
    Bart spends some money
    Bart: 'Scuse me, my good man, I have five hundred dollars to blow. 
          What've you got?
    CBG:  Behold, the ultimate Pog. (indicates the Steve Allen Pog)
    Bart: I'll take it. (Bart hesitates as he sees Lisa walk by the shop)
    Bart: Mmmm!
  • [2F17] Radioactive Man
    At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
    CBG:      So you kids fancy youselves experts eh?
    Bart:     Well, between us we've read all eight hundred and 
              fourteen issues of Radioactive Man.
    Milhouse: Yeah, and we both have a special limited edition issue
              where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.
    CBG:      Well I suppose you know then that Hollywood is planning
              a feature-film about Radioactive Man.
    Bart and Milhouse: (hats fly upward) Gasp!
    CBG:      I have got to do something about that air conditioner
    Bart:     Who's gonna play Radioactive Man?
    CBG:      I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.
    (He moves to his computer)
    CBG:      Okay, here we are, alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need
              know star RM pic.
    CBG and Otto are racing slot-cars
    Bart: Have you seen Milhouse?
    CBG:  No. Now go away, we are racing for the title of Champion
          of the Universe.
  • [3F02] Bart Sells His Soul
    Bart waits for the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
    to open
    CBG:  If you are waiting for the 'Hi and Lois' signing, you are
          too late. It has been moved to the Springfield Colosseum.
    Bart: Please, you have something of mine on a little piece of
    CBG:  Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh. Well since my breakfast
          burrito is congealing rapidly I will be blunt. I sold your
          soul last night. I found a buyer right away for that item.
    Bart: Who?
    CBG:  I am not at liberty to divulge the party, but they were
          most interested in having possession of little boy's
    (Bart bangs his head repeatedly on the counter)
    CBG:  Er, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case
          please, it contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she
          has advised a friend to commit suicide. Thank you.
  • [3F07] Marge Be Not Proud
    Bart sees a sign in the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card
    Shop window
    Bart: (Gasps) 99 cents.
    (Bart enters shop)
    Bart: I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm, here's 99 cents.
    CBG:  Huh. Allow me to summarise the proposed transaction. You
          wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents, net profit to
          me, negative 59 dollars.
    (CBG opens the till)
    CBG:  Oh, oh, please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's
    (Bart reaches for the money)
    CBG:  Er, er, er. Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I
          shall close the register at this point, and state that
          99 cents is the rental price.
    Bart: Oh, then may I please rent it, please?
    CBG:  No you may not, I am all out, though I do have a surprising
          amount of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.
    Bart: Aww.
  • [3F10] Team Homer
    Bart & Milhouse look at magazines
    Bart:     My God! The Mad Magazine Special Edition. They only 
              put out seventeen of these a year.
    Milhouse: Boy! They're really sockin' it to that Spiro Agnew 
              guy again, he must work there or something.
    Bart:     Let's do the fold-in.
    Milhouse: Okay. What higher power do TV evangelists worship?
    Bart:     I'll say God.
    Milhouse: I'll say Jesus.
    (They fold the magazine to reveal...)
    Bart & Milhouse: The Almighty Dollar!
    CBG:      You fold it, you bought it.
  • [3F12] Bart The Fink
    Leaves restaurant with a wheelbarrow full of tacos
    CBG:  Yes, this should provide adequate sustainance for the
          Dr. Who marathon.
  • [3F13] Lisa The Iconoclast
    At 'The Copy Jalopy'
    CBG:   Question: Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
    Homer: No, it's Homer.
    CBG:   Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my
           screenplay, Homer. And if I see a movie where computers
           threaten our personal liberties, I will know that you
           stole my idea.
    Homer: I'm just waiting for my kid.
    Homer's Brain: Mental note: steal his idea.
  • [3F16] The Day The Violence Died
    At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
    (After a screening of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat)
    Bart: How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy
    CBG:  Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus.
          This is a bootleg copy of Itchy and Scratchy meet
          Fritz the Cat. Because of it's frank depiction of
          sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile
          intellect, such as yours, now toodle-oo.
    Bart: Aww.
    (Bart and Lisa turn to leave. Bart sees a framed drawing
    of Itchy)
    Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
    CBG:  Are you the creator of Hi and Lois because you are
          making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly 750
          dollars American.
    Bart: It's valuable, huh?!
    CBG:  Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I
          can't allow you to waste them here when there are
          so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment.
          Go, go, for the good of the city.
    Bart: Loser.
    Bart runs into Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
    (Kerching of the cash register)
    CBG:  Thank you.
  • [3F18] 22 Short Films About Springfield
    CBG is talking on the telephone
    CBG:      Yes, and one with extra cheese, thank you.
    (CBG puts down the telephone as a distressed Milhouse enters
    the shop) 
    Milhouse: Can I use your bathroom?
    CBG:      No, you may not. The bathroom is for paying
              customers only, if you purchase an item you
              may use the bathroom.
    Milhouse: Aw, ok, how about that?
    (Milhouse points to a framed photo)
    CBG:      That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by
              Roger Moore, it is worth one hundred and fifty
    Milhouse: Aw, what can I get for 75 cents?
    CBG:      (sigh) You may purchase this charming Hamburglar
              adventure. A child has already solved the jumble
              using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.
    (Milhouse pays for the comic as his father enters the shop)
    Kirk:     Er, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just
              needed to use the bathroom, now I find you buying
    CBG:      Oh, our transaction is completed, you may take
              the boy.
    Milhouse: Wait!
  • [3F23] You Only Move Twice
    CBG waves goodbye to the Simpsons
    CBG:      Toodle-oo
  • [4F03] The Homer They Fall
    At 'Miscellaneous Etc.' gadget store
    CBG:         Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote
                 unquote, Ultimate Belt.
    Storekeeper: I see, do you have a receipt, quote unquote,
    CBG:         I do not have a receipt, I won it as a door
                 prize at the Star Trek convention, although
                 I find their choice of prize highly illogical
                 as the average Trekker has no use for a
                 medium-sized belt.
    Storekeeper: Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You
                 must be a devil with the ladies.
    CBG:         Hey, I... Huh... Tha... Oh...
    Storekeeper: Gee, I hate to let you down Casanova, but uh, no
                 receipt, no return.
    Bart:        I'll give you four bucks for it.
    CBG:         Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book
                 store, where I dispense the insults rather than
                 absorb them.
  • [4F12] The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
    At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
    CBG:     Ahem, your attention please.
    I&S fan: Er, in the episode...
    CBG:     Er, your attention please. Mr. Simpson will now be
             autographing 8 by 10 glossies of Poochie. Please
             form a line, there will be no cutting. I'm talking
             to you Mr. Cutter.
    (CBG cuts to the front of the line)
    CBG:     Pardon me. Look out. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup.
             Hi, can you make one out to me and three out to my
             friend of the same name.
    After the first episode of Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie
    CBG:  Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the
          worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet
          within minutes registering my disgust throughout the
    Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you
          have to complain?
    CBG:  As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
    Bart: What? They're giving you thousands of hours of
          entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe
          you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
    CBG:  Worst episode ever.
  • [4F13] My Sister, My Sitter
    In the wheelbarrow line at Dr. Nick's clinic
    CBG: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
  • [4F15] Homer Vs. The 18th Amendment
    CBG is accosted by Rex Banner
    Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
    CBG:        Yes, but only by night. By day, I am a mild-
                mannered reporter for a major metropolitan
    Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me tubby.
    CBG:        Tubby? Oh yes, tubby.
  • [4F16] The Canine Mutiny
    Bart shops for comics
    Bart: ...and Zebra Girl, and Zillionaire, and Zoidzilla.
    CBG:  And will there be any more spurging today?
    Bart: Oh my, yes. Mmmm. I'll take that hardbound Radioactive 
          Man collection.
    CBG:  Ah, a superb choice. In volume two Radioactive Man travels 
          through time to defeat Jesse Owen in the 1936 Olympic Games.
    Bart: Put it all on my credit card my good man.
    CBG:  Oh, pardon me Santos, if that is your real name, Bart 
          Simpson, but your phoney credit card is no good here. 
          Now make like my pants and split.
    Bart: Awww.
  • [5F02] Treehouse Of Horror VIII - The Homega Man
    CBG walks along the road reading a comic book
    CBG: But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills, 
         you're from two different worlds.
    (CBG sees missile approaching)
    CBG: Oh, I've wasted my life.
  • [5F23] The Joy Of Sect
    CBG attends the Movementarians mass marriage ceremony
    CBG: (to new bride) So, do you enjoy comic books?
  • [5F11] Das Bus
    CBG sits at his computer
    CBG:   Oh, Captain Janeway. Lace: The Final Brassiere. 
           Oh hurry up, I'm a busy man. Ugh, this high-speed 
           modem is intolerably slow. (The download is interrupted 
           by a banner advertisement) Hey, what the? Huh, the 
           Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity.
    (scene changes to Homer's office)
    Homer: Welcome to the internet my friend, how can I help you?
    CBG:   I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight 
           kilobaud internet connection to a one point five megabit 
           fibre-optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP 
           router that's compatable with my token ring ethernet LAN 
    Homer: (after long pause) Can I have some money now?
  • [5F16] King Of The Hill
    CBG sits on a Portaloo reading "Zebra Girl"
    CBG: Oh, it appears I will have to find a new fortress of solitude.
  • [5F17] Lost Our Lisa {hl}
    CBG sits on a bus wearing a helmet
    Lisa: May I have that seat?
    CBG:  Yes. If you can answer me these questions three. Question
          the first...
    Lisa: Never mind.
  • [5F21] The Wizard Of Evergreen Terrace - Couch Scene
    CBG sits in The Simpsons living room eating popcorn
    Homer: (Steals some popcorn from CBG) Mmmm.
    CBG:   Hey!
  • [5F19] When You Dish Upon A Star
    Outside the home of the celebrities
    CBG: Alec, Alec, regarding that so called "silent" propulsion 
         system in "The Hunt For Red October", I printed out a list
         of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing.
  • [AABF05] Mayored To The Mob
    At the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con
    CBG:   Someone has mixed an "Amazing Spiderman" in with the 
           "Peter Parker - The Spectacular Spiderman" series. This
           will not stand.
    Woman: Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious cash offer 
           for this stack of water damaged Little Lulus.
    CBG:   Huh, "A" that is not water, it is Diet Mr. Pib, and "B" 
           I... (CBG turns to look at the woman) Ohh... Err... Tell
           me, how do you feel about 45 year old virgins who still 
           live with their parents?
    Woman: Comb the Sweet Tarts out of your beard and you're on.
    CBG:   Don't try to change me baby.
  • [AABF06] Viva Ned Flanders
    At the car wash
    CBG: I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable
         and humorous bumper stickers, particularly this one (he 
         indicates a sticker which reads "My Other Car Is A Millennium
         Falcon") which was given to me by a Harrison Ford lookalike.
    Other bumper stickers
         The Truth Is In Here
         I Brake For Tribbles
         Kang Is My Co-Pilot
         My Child Is An Honor Student At Starfleet Academy
         Keep Honking, I'm Charging My Phaser
  • [AABF17] Monty Can't Buy Me Love
    Outside Fortune Megastore
    CBG: Ooh, once again my underwear has become tangled in a cow-catcher.
  • [AABF18] They Saved Lisa's Brain
    At the Mensa meeting
    Dr. Hibbert: Now, let's get down to business, any new palindromes?
    CBG:         Rise to vote, sir.
    At the Mensa meeting
    Lisa:        My family never talks about library standards and every
                 time I try to steer the conversation that way they make
                 me feel like a nerd.
    CBG:         We are hardly nerds, would a nerd wear such an irreverent
    Lisa:        (Reading sweatshirt)
                 Ha, only one person in a million would find that funny.
    Frink:       Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.
    Role-playing with Mensa
    Lisa:          This is so cool, I feel like I'm back in the
    Frink:         Please stay in character, gentle wench.
    CBG:           Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the
                   Sun and not t'other way round.
    Lyndsey Nagle: Stop looking down my blouse Copernicus.
    CBG:           Forsooth, mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.
    In Mayor Quimby's office
    Chief Wiggum:      So who's in charge?
    Dr. Hibbert:       Well, that's a good question, let's take a quick
                       look at the town charter.
    Lyndsey Nagle:     Done.
    CBG:               Done.
    Lisa:              Done.
    Dr. Hibbert:       Done.
    Principal Skinner: Done.
    Frink:             Finished.
    Being interviewed by Kent Brockman
    CBG: The world has already taken note of our accomplishments, Springfield
         has already moved up to 299 on the list of America's 300 most
         liveable cities. (To camera) Take that East St. Louis.
    At the Mensa society meeting
    Lisa:          Now next week is our "state of the city" address. Has
                   everyone finished their proposals.
    CBG:           Well first of all I've a plan to eliminate obesity in
    Lyndsey Nagle: Oh please, for a nickel-a-person tax increase we could
                   build a theatre for shadow puppets.
    Dr. Hibbert:   Balinese or Thai?
    Lyndsey Nagle: Why not both, then everybody's happy.
    CBG:           Oh yeah, everyone's real happy then.
    Lyndsey Nagle: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
    Frink:         (With sarcasm detector) Are you kidding? This baby is off
                   the charts mm-hai.
    CBG:           A sarcasm detector, that's a real useful invention.
    (Sarcasm detector explodes)
    At the State of the City Address
    CBG: Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding
         will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will
         mean much less breeding, for me, much much more.
    At the State of the City Address
    Dr. Hibbert: When are we going to get to my broccoli juice program?
    CBG:         Quit butting in please. Your I.Q. is a mere 155 while mine
                 is a muscular 170. (Sings) I am smart, much smarter than you,
    Frink:       You should all do what I say. My I.Q. is 199 for crying out 
                 flayven. (Bangs head) 198, 197...
  • [AABF22] Brother's Little Helper
    Outside his store
    (Bart drives by in his stolen tank)
    CBG:  Egad -- a maniac cutting a swath of destruction!  This is a job
          for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly... Ghost Rider.
    Otto: Well, what about Superman?
    CBG:  Oh, please.
  • [BABF01] Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena
    At a Q&A with Lucy Lawless
    (CBG crashes through the skylight on an electromagnet)
    Collector: Behold, I am the Collector, and I have come to add you to
               my collection. (turns on a magnet, which attracts Lucy's
               breastplate.  She sails up to the magnet, where she is
    Lawless:   Must ... remove ... my ... breastplate! (unties the straps
               holding it on.  Below, everyone in the audience produces a
               camera) Maybe later. (reties straps)
    On the road
    (The Collector has mounted the electromagnet, and Lucy, to his car)
    Collector: [leaning out the window] Care for a Rollo, sweet Xena?
    Lawless:   All right Collector, stick this in your tweezers - I'm not
               Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic!
    Collector: Oh, please, I'm not insane.  I simply wish to take you 
               back to my lair to be my bride.
    Lawless:   Oh, dear God!
    In the Collector's Lair
    (The Collector seal Lucy in a giant plastic bag)
    Collector: Fear not, my syndicated sweetie.  You'll be preserved
               forever in this Mylar pouch, forever remaining in ... near
               mint condition, between Dr. Who and of course Yasmine 
    Lisa:	   I don't think so.  [she and Bart smash through the wall]
    Bart:      I don't think so, either.
    	   [stretches his butt up to the Collector's platform, and
               waves it in his face]
    Lisa:	   Your collecting days are over, Collector.
    Collector: [pulls out a phaser] Stop right there.  I have here the 
               only working phaser ever built.  It was fired only once, to
               keep William Shatner from making another album.
    (He shoots and knocks out Lisa, then shoots repeated at Bart without 
    hitting him. Finally the phaser runs out of energy, and the Collector
    throws it at Bart in frustration, hereby knocking him out)
    In the Collector's Lair
    (The Collector ties up Lisa and Bart, using Bart's elastic body as a
    rope, on a hook suspended over a tank of bubbling Lucite)
    Collector: Good night, Retch Dude and Slobber Girl.  Sweet screams! 
               (begins to lower them into the Lucite tank)
    	   (turning to Lawless) Ha, ha, ha!  I am unbelievably amused.
               Soon those bratty buttinskis will be encased in Lucite for 
               all eternity. While we're waiting, here are some names you
               may call me on our wedding night:  (clears throat) Obi Wan,
               Iron Man, Mr. Mxyzptlk, and of course, Big Papa Smurf.
    Lawless:   What do you need me for?  You could have your choice of any
               of the women in these bags.
    Collector: You would think so, but no.
    Lawless:   Really?  Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other.
               Growing up, I was tall for my age and all the other kids
               made fun of me, I ... I always hoped for another 
               misunderstood soul to share my pain and, you could be that
               soul, Collector.
    Collector: Oh ...
    Lawless:   Come here, you.  Xena needs Xex. (puckers up)
    Collector: (puckers up)
    Lawless:   (grabs Collector's lips) Got your lips! (punches Collector
               several times, and kicks him off the catwalk)
    Collector: You tricked me!  With a ruse so hackneyed, it would make
               Stan Lee blush!
    Fighting the Warrior Princess
    (Lucy lands several kick and head blows on the Collector. She corners
    him, and he picks up one of his collectables)
    Collector: Ah ha!  Not even Xena is a match for the double-edged
               lightsaber from "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace!"
    	   (takes it out of the package and activates it)
    Lawless:   (gasps) You removed it from its original packaging!
    Collector: No!  It's no longer a collectible! (staggers backward until
               he crashes through a railing and plunges into the Lucite 
    Lawless:   (walks up to the railing and frees herself from the pouch)
               What a nerd.
    Covered in Lucite
    (The Collector, slowly, strikes a dramatic pose)
    Collector: Lucite hardening ... must end life in classic Lorne Greene
               pose from "Battlestar Galactica."  Best ... death ... ever!
  • [BABF14] Days of Wine and D'oh'ses
    In the alley behind his store
    CBG:   (throwing out a large stack of comics) It seems I will never sell
           these "She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks" comics. Worst cross-over ever!
    Nerds: (get the sent of the comics and grab the comics from the trash
    CBG:   (points a flashlight at them, which make their eyes shine red)
    Nerds: Aargh! (runs away)
    CBG:   (Waving a broom at them) Shoo, nerds, shoo!
  • [BABF18] It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge
    Marge steals his pants
    CBG: (Angrily) Come back! Those are prescription pants!
  • [BABF19] Behind the Laughter
    Being interviewed for "Behind the Laughter"
    CBG: One time, Lisa bought a first edition of "Susan B. Anthony Man".
         Her check bounced higher than rubber girl!
  • [CABF01] Lisa the Treehugger
    Upon seing the presumed dead Lisa
    CBG: [pointing] A G-G-G-Girl!
  • [CABF02] The Computer Wore Menace Shoes
    Sitting at his computer
    CBG: Let's see here. X-rated girls, already bookmarked, dial extra sex.
         Mr. X? Hmm, shall I cross the final frontier? What's this?
         Stolen funds? Pothole money used for swimming pool? [Angered]
         There's no emote icon for what I'm feeling!
  • [CABF04] Homer vs. Dignity
    The Android's Dungeon
    CBG:    [Eating candy] 98...99...100. Oh, if only the real chicks went 
            down this easy.
    Burns:  Look at that comic book fellow, calmly eating candy like a 
            Spaniard! [Hands Homer a briefcase] Time for monkey to shine.
    Homer:  I'd like to buy a mint-condition "Spider Man" #1, please.
    CBG:    And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with 7 of 9.
            [Homer opens his money filled briefcase]
            Oh! Saturn's rings. Let me get that for you.
            [produces the comics]
            Paperback or tripple mylar?
    Homer:  No thanks, I'll just eat it here. [starts to eat the comic]
    CBG:    [In horror] Oh! No! What are you doing? [breaks down sobbing]
  • [BABF22] HOMR
    Watching a voice actor perform
    Lisa:  Excuse me, but isn't that voice vere similar to the cowardly lion?
    CBG:   Also, sir, your loud mouth leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason.
           [crosses his arms]
    Frink: And the [?] cat sound exactly like Jerry Lewis! With the
           stealing and the lawsuit - oh! Nice judge, don't hurt a person
           [trails off].


 hp - HndsomPete (
mjs - Mike Smith (
 hl - Haynes Lee (
 je - Jordan Eisenburg (
 tc - Thor Cromer (
 dl - Daniel Lawrence (
 mt - Mark Treitel (

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Last updated on June 10th, 2004 by Claus Rasmussen (