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Episodes are listed in broadcast sequence
Episode numbers indicate the quote used when the episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was "original" and the USA one was repeated
All quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes
Quotes in red are done by Bart during the episode rather than at the beginning

7G08 None - Christmas Special
7G02 I will not waste chalk
7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
7G04 I will not burp in class
7G05 None
7G06 I will not instigate revolution
7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
7G07 I did not see Elvis
7G11 None
7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
7F02 Tar is not a plaything
7F04 None - Halloween Special
7F01 I will not Xerox my butt
7F01 It's potato, not potatoe
    This was used for the third airing of 7F01 (a reference to Dan Quayle's gaffe while visiting a school)
7F05 I will not trade pants with others
7F08 I am not a 32 year old woman
    To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy
7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
7F10 I will not sell school property
7F11 I will not cut corners
    It actually looks like this:
"  "    "   "   "   "
"  "    "   "   "   "
7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
7F13 I will not make flatuent noises in class
7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
7F14 Repeat of 7F10
7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
7F19 None
7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
7F21 I will not show off
    This was written in an "Olde English"-style font
7F22 I will not sleep through my education
7F24 I am not a dentist
8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
8F04 I will not squeak chalk
    Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this
8F05 I will finish what I sta
    This appears on one line; the rest is blank
8F02 None - Halloween Special
8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
8F07 I will not fake rabies
    This never appeared in original airings in the USA, but did in Canada
8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
8F11 I will not carve gods
8F12 None
8F14 I will not spank others
8F16 None
8F13 I will not aim for the head
8F15 I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
    Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap erasers
8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
8F20 Funny noises are not funny
8F21 I will not spin the turtle
8F22 I will not snap bras
8F23 I will not fake seizures
8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
9F01 I will not defame New Orleans
    New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!"
9F02 I will not prescribe medication
    Originally, the FOX showings had no chalkboard for 9F01 and the New Orleans one for 9F02, while Canadian showings had them as listed
9F04 None - Halloween Special
9F03 I will not bury the new kid

During the episode, Marge writes "I will try to raise a better child"
9F05 I will not teach others to fly
9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
9F07 A burp is not an answer
9F08 Teacher is not a leper
9F09 Coffee is not for kids

Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl
9F10 I will not eat things for money
9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
9F21 I will never win an Emmy
    This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show had won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past)
9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
1F02 None
1F01 None
1F04 None - Halloween Special
1F03 None
1F05 None
1F06 None
1F07 All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
    This is probably a reference to The Shining, especially as this quote was not written "line by line" like the others
1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
1F11 My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
    A reference to "The Fugitive"
1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
1F12 None
1F13 None
1F14 I am not delightfully saucy
1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
1F18 I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
    This was first used for the 100th new episode
1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
1F17 Repeat of 9F17
2F33 I will not use abbrev.
2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
2F02 None
2F03 None - Halloween Special
2F04 I will not send lard through the mail
2F05 I will not dissect things unless instructed
2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
2F07 Repeat of 1F11
2F08 Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
2F09 Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
2F10 "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
2F11 Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
2F12 Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
2F13 I will not hang donuts on my person
2F14 I will remember to take my medication
2F31 None
2F15 I will not strut around like I own the place
2F18 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
2F19 I do not have power of attorney over first graders
2F32 Nerve gas is not a toy
2F21 I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
2F22 The First Amendment does not cover burping
2F16 This is not a clue...or is it?
    In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who shoots Mr. Burns
2F20 I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
    In this episode, the shooter (see 2F16) is revealed
2F17 "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
3F01 No one wants to hear from my armpits
3F02 I am not a lean mean spitting machine
3F03 The boys room is not a water park
3F04 None - Halloween Special
3F05 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
3F06 None
3F08 Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
3F31 I will only do this once a year
    ...which is once a year too many for clip shows
3F07 I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
3F10 I am not certified to remove asbestos
3F09 None
3F11 None
3F12 None
3F13 None
3F14 None
3F16 None
3F15 None
3F17 None
3F18 None
3F19 None
3F20 None
3F21 None
3F22 None
4F02 None - Halloween Special
3F23 I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
4F03 I am not my long-lost twin
4F05 None
4F06 None
4F04 None
4F01 None
    During the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period)
4F07 None
3F24 None
3G01 The truth is not out there
    A reference to "The X-Files"
4F08 I am not licensed to do anything
4F10 None
3G03 I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
4F12 None
4F11 None
4F14 None
4F13 I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face
    Actually, this episode had no blackboard opening; Jason Fox drew this in the comic strip "FoxTrot" on the day this episode premiered - I just want to see who is "borrowing" my lists while removing things like the notes (and my name)
(Earlier editions of this list say that the strip appeared when 4F11 premiered; however, it actually appeared March 2, 1997, when 4F13 first aired)
4F15 None
4F09 None
4F16 A fire drill does not demand a fire
4F17 None
4F18 None
4F19 None
4F20 None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
4F21 None
4F22 None
4F23 None
3G02 I no longer want my MTV
5F02 None - Halloween Special
5F01 Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
5F03 I did not invent Irish dancing
5F04 None
5F05 I will not tease Fatty
5F06 There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"
5F07 Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
5F24 None
5F08 None
5F23 Shooting paintballs is not an art form
5F11 None
5F10 Pain is not the cleanser
5F12 Silly String is not a nasal spray
4F24 None
5F13 I was not told to do this
3G04 My butt does not deserve a website
5F14 I will not demand what I'm worth
    A reference to the holdout of the cast for more money
5F15 None
5F09 I will not mess with the opening credits
    This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom
5F16 None
5F17 I am not the new Dalai Lama
5F18 I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"
    This was first shown three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld"
5F20 None
5F21 I will not file frivolous lawsuits
5F22 None
AABF01 The Simpsons Halloween Special IX
    This was painted on the board in blood with a large brush
5F19 "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address
    Originally, "" appeared in place of "butt.butt", but it was changed as is an actual web site address; however, "" still appeared in Canada
AABF02 No one cares what my definition of "is" is
    Which is not quite true in President Clinton's case
AABF03 I will not scream for ice cream
AABF04 I am not a licensed hairstylist
AABF05 "The President did it" is not an excuse
    This was first shown the day after President Clinton became the first elected President to be impeached (Andrew Johnson, the only other President to be impeached, became President because he was Vice-President when Lincoln was killed)
AABF06 My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
AABF07 Sherri does not "got back"
AABF08 I will not do the Dirty Bird
    The "dirty bird" is the "celebration dance" of the Atlanta Falcons, one of the teams in the 1999 Super Bowl
AABF09 No one wants to hear about my sciatica
AABF11 Hillbillies are people too
AABF10 Grammar is not a time of waste
AABF12 Repeat of 9F20
AABF13 It does not suck to be you
AABF14 I cannot absolve sins
    In the Moses story, Bart carves "I Will Not Deface" (actually, "I Well Knot D-Face") in hieroglyphics
AABF15 A trained ape could not teach gym
AABF16 Loose teeth don't need my help
AABF17 I have neither been there nor done that
AABF18 Repeat of 3F01
AABF20 I'm so very tired
AABF23 Fridays are not "pants optional"
AABF22 Pork is not a verb
AABF21 I am not the last Don
BABF01 None - Halloween Special
AABF19 I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
BABF02 I won't not use no double negatives
BABF03 Repeat of 3F05
BABF05 I can't see dead people
    A reference to the movie "The Sixth Sense" (coincidentally, Haley Joel Osment, who played the boy in the movie who could see dead people, was at one time the voice of Curly on "Hey Arnold!", which was created by Matt Groening's brother-in-law)
BABF07 I will not sell my kidney on eBay
    Unlike most, if not all, of Bart's other blackboard quotes, this one was not all caps (the "e" in "eBay" was small);
also, Lisa writes "I will not do math in class" during the show
BABF04 I will not create art from dung
    A reference to an art exhibit in New York City that included a portrait of the Virgin Mary splattered with dung
BABF06 I will stop phoning it in
BABF08 Class clown is not a paid position
BABF09 Substitute teachers are not scabs
BABF10 My suspension was not "mutual"
BABF11 A belch is not an oral report
BABF12 Dodgeball stops at the gym door
BABF13 "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge
BABF14 I was not touched "there" by an angel
BABF16 I am not here on a fartball scholarship
BABF15 I will not dance on anyone's grave
BABF18 I cannot hire a substitute student
BABF19 I will not obey the voices in my head
BABF21 None - Halloween Special
BABF20 I will not plant subliminal messagores
    The parts in green appeared in green on the show
A reference to the "subliminal message" claim during the 2000 USA Presidential Election campaign; during a Republican commercial, the word "RAT" appeared briefly while Democrats were being mentioned
BABF17 I will not surprise the incontinent
    When Fox aired the episode, every other line left out the first R in "surprise"; this has been corrected
CABF01 I am not the acting President
    A reference to the 2000 USA Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode first aired
CABF04 I was not the sixth Beatle
CABF02 I will only provide a urine sample when asked
CABF03 The nurse is not dealing
CABF06 Science class should not end in tragedy
    During the episode, Principal Skinner writes "I ain't not a dorkus"
BABF22 Network TV is not dead
CABF05 I will not "let the dogs out"
CABF08 I will not hide the teacher's medication
CABF07 I will not publish the Principal's credit report
CABF10 The hamster did not have "a full life"
CABF12 I will not buy a Presidential pardon
    A reference to ex-President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations/payments, which might be "a conflict of interest"
CABF09 "Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap
    A reference to a Fox television series where couples were sent to an island filled with singles to test their commitment
CABF11 I will not scare the Vice President
    A reference to USA Vice-President Dick Cheney being in the hospital with a heart condition
CABF13 I will not flush evidence
CABF14 Fire is not the cleanser
CABF15 Genetics is not an excuse
CABF16 Today is not Mothra's day
    Originally aired on Mother's Day (May 13), 2001
CABF17 I should not be twenty-one by now
    He would be 21 in the 12th season if he was 10 in the first season, which ended in 1990, and he aged normally
CABF19 None - Halloween Special
CABF22 Nobody reads these anymore
CABF20 A burp in a jar is not a science project
CABF18 Fun does not have a size
CABF21 I am not Charlie Brown on acid
DABF02 I do not have a cereal named after me
    When this episode first aired, he did - Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch (along with Homer's Cinnamon Donut Cereal)
DABF01 None
DABF03 None
DABF05 None
DABF04 I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers
    Probably a response to a gag in DABF03 when Butterfingers (which featured commercials with the Simpsons in them at one time) were thrown into a fire but wouldn't burn, and the response was "Even the fire doesn't want them"
DABF06 The giving tree is not a chump
DABF07 Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
DABF09 None
DABF08 Vampire is not a career choice
DABF10 None
DABF11 None
DABF12 None
DABF13 None
DABF14 I will never lie about being cancelled again
    A reference to Matt Groening commenting in an interview that the show was "closer to winding it up" (and then claiming he was "misquoted and misunderstood")
DABF15 None
DABF16 None
DABF17 None
DABF19 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
DABF22 None
DABF20 Fish do not like coffee
DABF18 None
DABF21 Milhouse did not test cootie positive
EABF01 None
EABF02 None
EABF03 None
EABF04 This school does not need a "regime change"
EABF06 SpongeBob is not a contraceptive
EABF05 I will not
    Bart then chops up the blackboard with an axe
EABF07 None
EABF08 None
EABF09 None
EABF10 None
EABF11 None
EABF12 None
EABF13 None
EABF14 My pen is not a booger launcher
EABF15 None
EABF16 Sandwiches should not contain sand
EABF17 None
EABF21 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
EABF18 None
EABF20 None
EABF22 None
EABF19 None
FABF01 Over forty & single is not funny
FABF02 None
FABF03 None
FABF04 None
FABF05 None
FABF06 None
FABF07 None
FABF09 None
FABF08 I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be
FABF10 None
FABF11 None
FABF12 None
FABF14 None
FABF15 None
FABF13 None
FABF17 None
FABF18 None
FABF23 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
FABF20 None
FABF19 None
FABF22 Poking a dead raccoon is not research
FABF21 None
FABF16 None
GABF01 None
GABF02 None
GABF03 None
GABF04 None
    However, this episode did have a disclaimer at the beginning when Fox first aired it: "This episode contains discussions of same sex marriage. Parental discretion is advised."
GABF05 Beer in a milk carton is not milk
GABF06 None
GABF07 None
GABF08 None
GABF12 None
GABF10 None
GABF11 None
    There was a variation on the show's opening during the show, but instead of a chalkboard, Bart is at a vending machine
GABF13 None
GABF14 None
GABF15 A booger is not a bookmark
GABF09 None
GABF18 Does any kid still do this anymore?
GABF16 None
GABF19 None
GABF17 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
GABF20 None
GABF21 None
GABF22 None
HABF02 None
HABF01 None
HABF03 I am not smarter than the President
HABF04 Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual
HABF05 None
HABF06 None
HABF07 None
HABF08 I will not laminate dog doo
    The live-action opening used the first time this episode aired in the USA repeated the 9F10 opening
HABF09 I will not flip the classroom upside down
    The classroom was flipped upside-down (well, rotated 180 degrees) while he was writing this
HABF10 None
HABF11 None
HABF12 None
HABF13 I will not leak the plot of the movie
HABF14 Je ne parle pas Français
HABF16 Have a great summer, everyone
HABF15 None
HABF18 None
HABF20 None
    During the episode, Principal Skinner writes "A baby beat me up"
HABF17 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
HABF21 We are not all naked under our clothes
HABF19 None
HABF22 None
JABF02 None
JABF01 Frankincense is not a monster
JABF03 None
JABF05 None
JABF04 None
JABF07 None
    During the episode, Bart writes, "So Long Suckers"
JABF09 None
JABF08 None
JABF06 Global warming did not eat my homework
JABF10 None
JABF11 None
JABF13 I will not look up what teacher makes
JABF12 Pearls are not oyster barf
JABF14 None - 24 opening used
JABF15 None
    Instead of the normal opening, the short "Family Portrait" from "The Tracey Ullman Show" aired
Movie I will not illegally download this movie
JABF20 I will not wait 20 years to make another movie
JABF18 The Wall Street Journal is better than ever that Rupert Murdoch owns it
JABF21 None
JABF19 I am not an FDIC-insured bank
JABF16 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
JABF22 There is no such thing as an iPoddy
JABF17 The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens
KABF01 None
KABF02 The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"
KABF03 Teacher did not pay too much for her condo
KABF04 None
KABF05 None
KABF06 The art teacher is fat, not pregnant
KABF07 None
KABF08 None
KABF09 None
KABF10 A person's a person no matter how Ralph
    A reference to "A person's a person, no matter how small" from Horton Hears a Who!
KABF11 None
KABF12 This punishment is not medieval.
    The lines are written in a medieval style, complete with large first letter - and there is a period at the end of each line
KABF13 None
KABF17 None
KABF15 Teacher's diet is working
KABF14 There's no such month as "Rocktober"
KABF16 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
KABF18 I did not see teacher siphoning gas
KABF19 None
KABF20 Prosperity is just around the corner
    In the couch gag, Bart writes, "I will not bring the chalkboard home," on a chalkboard in front of the couch
KABF21 Jesus is not mad his birthday is on Christmas
KABF22 I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard
LABF01 HDTV is worth every cent
    This is the first episode produced in high definition
LABF02 "March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school
LABF03 I will not have fun with educational toys
LABF04 None
LABF11 Four-leaf clovers are not mutant freaks
LABF05 My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds
    The second time this episode aired, on 6/28/09, the opening was replaced with an airing of the "Do the Bart, Man" video in tribute to Michael Jackson, who died three days earlier
LABF06 None
LABF07 I will not mock teacher's outdated cell phone
LABF08 I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy
LABF10 None
LABF09 None
LABF12 It's "Facebook," not "Assbook"
LABF13 The class hamster isn't just sleeping
LABF15 Chalkboarding is not torture
LABF16 I am not allergic to long division
LABF14 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
LABF17 I do not have the hots for my mom
LABF18 Halloween does not kick Thanksgiving's ass
LABF19 Teachers' unions are not ruining the country
MABF01 None
MABF02 None
LABF20 The world may end in 2012 but this show won't
MABF03 None
MABF05 None
MABF06 None
MABF04 None
MABF07 World War II could not beat up World War I
MABF10 None
MABF08 Hot dogs are not bookmarks
MABF09 This counts as gym and art class
MABF14 South Park - we'd stand beside you if we weren't so scared
    This appeared four days after Comedy Central censored an episode of South Park for even mentioning Muhammad, presumably after threats were made
Also, when the episode first aired, some stations aired "Je ne suis pas Français" (a slight variation on the HABF14 quote) instead of the South Park quote
MABF12 None
MABF13 Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present
MABF11 Batman is not "nothing without his utility belt"
MABF15 End of "Lost": It was all the dog's dream. Watch us.
    This first appeared on the same night as the last episode of Lost
MABF21 When I slept in class, it was not to help Leo DiCaprio
MABF17 I did not see teacher applying for welfare
MABF18 I must not write all over the walls
    It was written over all of the classroom's walls
MABF16 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
MABF20 None
NABF01 None
NABF02 "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" is as good as "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
MABF22 None
MABF19 Candy canes are not elf bones
NABF03 January is not Bart History Month
NABF04 None
NABF05 Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King
NABF06 I will not make fun of Cupid's dink
NABF07 None
NABF08 I'm not here on a spitball scholarship
NABF09 "Daylight Savings" is not a failed bank
NABF10 I will not ridicule teacher's Final Four bracket
    During the episode, Homer writes "I'm a grown man who's scared of his own son"
NABF11 None
NABF12 None
NABF13 I do not deserve a Mother's Day gift for being "one badass mother"
NABF14 It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall
    It was spelled "Kristen Schall" in NABF13's closing credits
    Some broadcasts may have a different quote:
Guinea pigs should not be used as "guinea pigs"
NABF15 None
NABF16 None
NABF17 It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election
NABF19 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
NABF21 It's November 6 -- how come we're not airing a Halloween show?
    In the USA, Halloween specials aired in November from 2000 through 2010 (except in 2008) because of baseball World Series coverage (in fact, the term "Halloween Special" stopped being used because of this)
NABF20 None
NABF22 None
PABF01 None
PABF02 "Caucus" is not a dirty word
NABF18 Cafeteria trays are not toboggans
PABF03 Tintin did not sucksuck
PABF04 We do need no education
PABF05 There's no proven link between raisins and boogers
PABF06 I will not replace a candy heart with a frog's heart
PABF07 Bart's earned a day off
    Written by Milhouse, with Bart looking on
    During the episode, Bart spraypaints "I {heart} the breakdown of society" on an interior wall of an abandoned building
PABF09 None
PABF08 None
PABF10 None
PABF11 The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours
PABF12 None
PABF13 None
PABF15 Call your mother during the commercials
PABF14 None
PABF21 I will not wear white after Labor Day
    Bart is wearing a white suit when he writes this
PABF17 None - Halloween Special
PABF18 None
    During the episode, Bart mentions writing "Mousetraps are not slippers", and gets a suggestion for one from Lisa: "A gentleman doesn't ask, and a lady doesn't tell"
PABF16 I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission
PABF19 I want to secede but don't know which state I'm in
PABF22 20 more shoplifting days till Christmas
PABF20 None
RABF01 None
RABF02 Teacher did not get fat over the holidays
RABF03 I will obey Oscar® campaign rules from now on
    A reference to Maggie Simpson in: The Longest Daycare being nominated for the Oscar for Animated Short Film
...and yes, the ® is part of the quote
RABF04 None
RABF07 I was not nominated for "Best Spoken Swear Word"
    Originally aired on the night of the 2013 Grammy Awards
RABF05 I will not tweet as the principal's toilet
RABF06 None
RABF09 I'm sorry I broke the blackboard
    This is written on a whiteboard
    Somebody (presumably Bart, but we don't see anyone actually writing it) writes "I Will Make Your Life a Living Hell" during the episode
RABF10 Jesus's last words were not "TGIF"
    This was meant to be an Easter episode, even though it aired two weeks earlier
RABF08 None
RABF11 None
RABF13 None
RABF12 This School Is Not Falling Apart
    The blackboard falls apart as Bart leaves
RABF14 None
RABF17 None
RABF20 25 years and they can't come up with a new punishment
RABF16 All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
RABF18 We'll really miss you Mrs. K.
    A reference to Marcia Wallace's death on 10/25/2013
This appeared on just one line (the rest of the blackboard was blank), and is the only time a blackboard quote refers to Mrs. Krabappel other than "Teacher"
RABF22 My school schedule does not include a bye week
RABF19 Rocktober is not followed by Blowvember
SABF02 None
SABF04 I will stop asking when Santa goes to the bathroom
SABF01 I will not call my teacher "Prancer" and "Vixen"
SABF05 None
SABF03 (first airing) Judas Priest is not "Death Metal"
    ...which is what they were called in SABF05
  (subsequent airings) If you haven't broken your Christmas presents yet, you're not trying
SABF06 None
SABF08 Instead of quotes, there is a single-elimination (knockout) style bracket of characters, with Homer and Jasper in the final
SABF07 None
SABF09 My dad's already drunk for St. Patrick's
SABF10 None
SABF11 None
SABF12 None
SABF13 None
SABF14 April showers do not bring Matt Lauers
    The online and streaming versions of this episode, as well as some broadcast stations in the USA, had a different quote (presumably meant for other countries, where they don't know who Matt Lauer is):
  You can't play April Fool's jokes on April 27th
    Note that the "th" is in lowercase letters
RABF21 None
SABF15 None
SABF18 None
SABF20 Spoiler Alert: unfortunately, my dad doesn't die
    When this episode first aired, commercials noted that a character would die
The Family Guy Simpsons crossover episode "The Simpsons Guy" first aired on the same night as SABF20, and at the end, Stewie wrote on a blackboard in his room:
  I will not think about Bart anymore
SABF17 None
SABF19 None
SABF21 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
    During the "School Is Hell" segment, a student carved with his finger, "Eternal damnation is the only just punishment for the unbaptized"
SABF22 None
SABF16 None
TABF01 None
TABF02 None
TABF03 Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken
RABF15 None
TABF05 Snowmen don't have carrot penises
TABF04 None
TABF06 None
TABF07 Pixel art is not real art
    This was in "8-bit" format, along with the rest of the opening
TABF08 None
TABF09 None
TABF10 None
TABF11 None
TABF12 I will not pay my sister to do my punishment
    Written by Lisa, with Bart watching
TABF13 None
TABF15 None
TABF16 I will not fight the future
    Appears in the middle of the episode, on an electronic screen
TABF14 None
TABF17 None
TABF19 None
TABF22 None
TABF18 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
TABF21 None
TABF20 None
VABF01 None
VABF02 None
VABF03 None
VABF04 None
VABF05 None
VABF07 Hershey kisses do not drop from Cupid's butt
VABF06 None
VABF08 None
VABF09 None
VABF10 If Villanova doesn't win we lose everything
    A reference to the 2016 NCAA Division I Men's Basketball Championship Game, which took place the night after this episode first aired (by the way, Villanova won on a 3-point shot at the buzzer)
VABF11 Never lose a bet to Bart Simpson
    Written by Principal Skinner, with Bart watching
VABF12 Dad swears he'll get his taxes in soon
VABF14 Dirty clothes are not a Mother's Day gift
VABF13 None
VABF15 Milhouse does not live below the puberty line
VABF20 This arm needs Tommy John surgery
VABF18 I will stop losing 50% of my NFL lead-in
VABF17 None
VABF16 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
VABF21 The first episode of the second 600
VABF22 None
VABF19 Being right sucks
    Presumably, a reference to the Season 11 episode "Bart to the Future," where Lisa becomes President after Donald Trump
WABF01 I will watch all 600 episodes without sleeping
    A reference to FXX airing the first 600 episodes back-to-back starting four days after the episode first aired
WABF03 None
WABF02 None
WABF06 None
WABF04/5 None
WABF07 If we're so good at predicting how come my dad bet on Atlanta
    Note there was no punctuation in the quote
WABF08 None
WABF09 We're the only house where the Christmas tree is still up
WABF10 None
WABF11 Studying is not "appropriating nerd culture"
    During the episode, Lisa writes, "Everybody's a Winner," and Bart writes, "I Did Nothing Wrong This Week"
WABF12 None
WABF13 None
    During the episode, Grampa writes, "I just wrote one and I'm already tired", but it's only one line
WABF14 None
WABF15 Thank you for 28 great years...Taylor Swift
    He's a little early; she turns 28 in December, 2017
WABF17 None
WABF22 None
WABF16 It's unfair to judge a President on his first 300 days
WABF18 None - Halloween Special
WABF19 Hooligan is not a profession
    During the episode, Bart writes "I Will Not" five times simultaneously
WABF20 I will not ask my guidance counselor why he couldn't get a better job
WABF21 We do lot live in our own pee
    Bart is a fish
XABF01 None
XABF02 Snow angels are not frozen hobos
XABF03 None
XABF04 Strangling is not an effective parenting tool
    Homer writes it, as Bart watches
XABF05 None
XABF06 None
XABF08 This is the last episode
    Bart flips the blackboard over; the quote becomes, "April Fool"
XABF07 April Showers did not date the President
    A reference to Stormy Daniels, who claimed at the time that she had an affair with President Trump
XABF10 None
XABF11 I will not bet with Bart on the Final Four
    Homer writes it, as Bart watches
XABF09 None
XABF12 None
XABF13 None
XABF12 None
XABF19 None
XABF15 None
XABF17 None
XABF16 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
XABF18 None
XABF20 None
    During the episode, Bart writes "I will not order pregnant rats" on the driveway; when the rain washes it away, Marge makes him do it again
XABF21 None
XABF22 None
YABF01 My pre-Christmas behavior really helps the coal industry
YABF02 The fat man who works one night a year is my dad
YABF03 My New Year's resolution was to quit school
YABF04 None
YABF06 None
YABF05 None
YABF07 Chili fries do not go in like a lamb and out like a lion
YABF08 Like SABF08, but this time Krusty beats Apu in the "final"
YABF09 None
YABF10 None
YABF11 I am not a grandmother
    Unlike, perhaps, Nancy Cartwright?
YABF12 I will not write "Audit Please" on Homer's tax return
YABF14 Haw Haw!
    Bart flips the chalkboard over to reveal Nelson taped to it
YABF15 None
YABF16 None
    During the episode, Bart writes "I will not shirk my responsibilities," only for Marge to take over for him
YABF19 None
YABF21 None
YABF22 None
YABF18 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
YABF20 None
ZABF02 Daylight Savings isn't something I can spend
ZABF03 None
YABF17 None
ZABF04 Idle hands are the devil's tool
    Written by Todd Flanders...with both hands at once
ZABF01 None
ZABF05 Teacher spent New Year's Eve at home by choice
ZABF06 None
ZABF07 None
ZABF08 None
ZABF09 None
ZABF11 Bart is at a doctor's appointment
    Written by Lisa
ZABF10 None
YABF13 School online
    This appears on one line, and Bart is not present; it is a reference to most schools being closed because of the COVID-19 pandemic
    Also, in the couch opening, Bart carves "I must not write on mountain" onto the side of a mountain
ZABF12 How did the boy get me to do this?
    Homer writes it, with Bart watching
ZABF13 I will stop reminding the principal I have a later bedtime than he does
ZABF14 None
ZABF16 None
ZABF19 None
ZABF18 None
ZABF21 None
ZABF17 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
ZABF15 None
ZABF22 None
QABF02 None
ZABF20 None
QABF01 I will not put laxatives in Santa's cookies
QABF03 None
QABF04 None
QABF05 None
    During the episode, there is a photo of Bart writing, "I will never be a teacher's pet," as well as an image of, "We'll really miss you, Mrs. K" from RABF18
QABF06 None
QABF07 None
QABF08 None
QABF09 None
QABF10 None
QABF11 None
QABF12 None
QABF14 None
QABF13 None
    During the episode, there is a photo of Milhouse writing, "I will not take advantage of Milhouse"
QABF15 None
QABF17 None
QABF18 None
QABF16 None
    In "The Telltale Bart," Bart writes, "I Hate Rhyming Couplets"
QABF19 None
QABF20 None
QABF21 None
QABF22 None
UABF01 None
UABF02 None

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Last updated on November 28, 2021 by Don Del Grande (