Half-Decent Proposal Written by Tim Long Directed by Lauren MacMullen ============================================================================== Production code: DABF04 Original Airdate on FOX: 10-Feb-2002 Capsule revision A (13-Mar-05) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" Synopsis ============================================================================== [TVguide.com] Jon Lovitz lends his voice in a wild parody of the 1993 film "Indecent Proposal." Lovitz plays Marge's one-time prom date Artie Ziff, a nerd who turned Marge off when he turned all-hands. Now, a techno-invention has made him rich. Encouraged by her sisters, and some girls-night imbibing, Marge e-mails Artie, who responds by helicoptering onto the Simpsons' lawn and inviting the family to his yacht. There, he makes his proposition: one million bucks to spend a weekend alone with Marge. And Artie promises "no funny stuff." The Simpsons agree when they realize the money will help their marriage -- by paying for an operation to cure Homer's snoring. {sx} ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: I WILL NOT BITE THE HAND THAT / FEEDS ME BUTTERFINGERS Couch: The family gets to their couch just in time to watch it being taken away by two men from Repo Depot. Homer cries, but the kids adjust to the situation and sit on the floor. ============================================================================== > Did You Notice... ============================================================================== ... Kirk and Luanne were dancing together at the "prom?" [{ts} writes, "I wonder how much Ziff had to pay them for *that*" -- Ed.] ... the autographed posters of Mark Hamill on CBG's bedroom wall? [Dave H identifies them as, "young Skywalker from "Star Wars" and older Skywalker from "Return of the Jedi" -- Ed.] Sam B: ... this has been Jon Lovitz first role since 1996's [4F07]? Bojan Bugarin: ... Disco Stu was the only one in his normal, everyday outfit? Don Del Grande: ... Maggie reaches for Lisa's "pancakes"? ... Patty and Selma's computer has a "Send" button? ... there's a Maggie fall, when she runs out to the helicopter? ... at the "prom", Principal Skinner is dressed like Keith Partridge of "The Partridge Family" in his "performing" suit? ... Homer and Lenny ride the "Suck-U-Bus" (succubus) bus line? Alex Foley: ... Homer has been drinking since he was 11 (If we go by the age of 36)? Josh G: ... this was the first appearance of the second longest opening sequence (cut from band practice to the driveway) since 5F21, "The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace?" ... the drummer in the band at the prom looked an awful lot like Otto? Joe Green: ... CBG wears Chewbacca pajamas? ... the autographed photos of Mark Hamill on CBG's wall? ... Kirk and Luanne Van Houten dance together at the "prom"? (Now *that* was unexpected ...) Tony Hill: ... Hibbert & Riviera are "golfing buddies"? ... Homer's snoring shakes the windows in Lisa's bedroom too? ... Marge takes only a small bag with her for the weekend? ... the foreman smoking in front of the no smoking sign? P Piggly Hogswine: ... when Marge gives Bart the flowerpot with milk in it instead of cereal, Bart plucks one of the flower petals and eats it? Chad Lehman: ... Marge looks like one of her sisters when she ties her hair down to cover her ears? ... Marge wears no pearls to bed? ... the camera lens "artifacts" as the bus stops, as if the sun were shining on the lens? Benjamin Robinson: ... the litter that was underneath the couch as the men took it away? ... the Springfield Shopper is 50 cents? (Or has it been that way for a while?) ... Mike Reiss is back, too? ... the scoreboard read 19-74, the year of the original prom? ... Artie managed to break another one of Marge's dress straps? ... in addition to the cacti, the clouds also resembled Marge's hair? ... when Homer and Lenny raise their goggles in triumph, the magnified light burns through Homer's hair strands? Ted Schuerzinger: ... Frink had fish in his platform shoes? A White: ... the second headline on the newspaper that landed on Marge read, "Slow news day grips Springfield"? ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Butler, Abe) - Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty, Selma) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Comic Book Guy, Carl, Moe, Driver) - Harry Shearer (Hibbert, Kent, Cap'n, Lenny, Foreman) - Special Guest Voice - Jon Lovitz (Artie, Modem) - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse) - Tress MacNeille (Samantha, Sarah) - Marcia Mitzman-Gaven (Miranda, Charlotte) - Karl Wiedergott (Baron[?]) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + "Indecent Proposal" (movie) - episode title and plot both lifted from this film + "Star Wars" (movie) {jg} - posters of Jar-Jar and Mark Hamill in CBG's room + "Stand by Me" (movie) {jg2} - Dr. Hibbert knocking over mailboxes with a golf club (cf. baseball bat) is similar + "The Three Stooges" (comedy trio) {ddg} - Homer's "ebebebebebe" while snoring - [{cl} adds, "Homer's snoring is like that of Shemp; can't remember the exact Stooges short where they're in the same bed lying on their sides. Every three snores, they switch directions :)" -- Ed.] ~ Sesame Street (children's TV series) {cl} - Homer's snoring also sounds like that of the two-headed monster (the one with upward horns on one head, and downward horns on the other) + "Spin City" {th} - Spinster City Apartments + "Sex and the City" (TV show) - "Nookie in New York" a spoof, with same setting, similar characters, and the like [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + Home Box Office (premium cable network) {bjr} - "Nookie in New York" airs on the BHO network + "Arli$$" (TV show) {jg2} - Patty and Selma change the channel to avoid watching this + "Georgie Girl" (song) {bjr} - modem connection noise converted to this song, with appropriate lyrics [{th} adds, "[the song] was written by Jim Dale and Tom Springfield." How appropriate! -- Ed.] + Hollywood sign {bjr} - Silicon Valley has a similar sign in the nearby hills + Andy Warhol (painter) {bjr} - one of the paintings in Ziff's office -- the one on the upper left, divided into quarters, with Marge a different color in each quarter -- is done in his style + "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd (song) {jg2} - this song's title ends up in Marge's E-mail + "The Sweetest Taboo" by Sade (song) {jg2} - Homer: "Unguarded breakfast. The sweetest taboo!" + "The Love Boat" (TV series) - PaZIFFic Prince is a spoof of Pacific Princess, which was the name of the ship on this show + "M*A*S*H" (TV show) - the theme from this plays when Artie's helicopter takes off [{th} notes it was written by Mike Altman and Johnny Mandel -- Ed.] {jg2} - [Angela Anuszewski writes, "BTW, the actual name of the song is "Suicide is Painless" which may have been a bit of foreshadowing ..." -- Ed.] - Homer spells a message for Marge with rocks, has B. J. does for Hawkeye + "James at 16" (TV show) {jg2} - Artie: "The band hasn't played since the 'James at 16' wrap party!" [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + "The Partridge Family" (TV series) {ddg} - Skinner dresses like Keith Partridge - "A Spy in the House of Love" by Anais Nin (novel) {jc} - Moe's "a spy in the house of Moe" comment ~ "Spy in the House of Love" (song) {th} - Spy in the House of Moe is a reference to this 1980s song by Steve Winwood + "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road," by Elton John (song) {ts} - prom theme was Goodbye Yellow Brick Prom + "Taxi" (TV series) {ddg} - an "innocent kiss" turns into a make-out - "The Graduate" (movie) {sx} - music as Homer walks up to Artie's house + "Back to the Future" (movie) - Marty McFly fears that if his mother marries Biff (instead of his dad), he'll never be born; Homer thinks if Marge marries Artie he (Homer) will never be born - the state of Texas {jk} - the West Springfield map resembles this state + "Midnight Cowboy" (movie) {jg2} - the scene with Homer and Lenny on the bus is similar, right down to the music [B. Warnock identifies the song as, "Everybody's Talkin'" -- Ed.] - "Futurama" (TV series) {mm} - the head of Carl at Mount Carl had a Futurama severed-head collar + "The Lion King" (movie) {jg2} - Lenny uses the phrase "circle of life" ~ "Wizard of Oz" (movie) - Lenny's plaintive, "There's nothing for me up in that helicopter" reminiscent of the movie's, "There's nothing in that bag for me, is there?" + "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These" by the Eurythmics (song) - Ziff's new invention converts the sound of snoring to this Eurythmics tune -- with ominous lyrics ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - [7F11] Homer makes a videotape message for a family member {cl} - [7F12] Marge's prom {ddg} - [7F12], [7F18], [8F04], [8F18], [2F31], [4F04] -Jon Lovitz lends his voice to OFF {af} - [7F12], [9F16], [2F33] Artie Ziff has a speaking role {sb} - [8F01], [1F06], [2F16], [2F20] Oil derricks {cl} - [9F02] "Hey There, Blimpie Boy" song also appeared {sx} - [9F09] Homer has a facial seizure {ddg} - [9F10] Dr. Hibbert proposes an expensive operation to the Siamese twins {bb} - [9F15] Someone gloats; leaving in a helicopter from Simpsons' yard {cl} - [9F16] -Artie Ziff willing to give up fortune for Marge {af} - [9F16] Artie Ziff is "stinking rich" {sb} - [9F16] Ziff appears again, and even admits he'd trade a large amount of cash for some personal time with Marge - [2F09] Homer spies on a gathering through a skylight {jg2} - [2F15] Milhouse & Lisa {bb} - [3F01] Marge is said to be on drugs {bb} - [3F06] Homer kicks a statue {cl} - [3F17] Bart drives the car {ddg} - [3F19] a German Baron appears {bb} - [3G01] Marge's confused look (after saying "Bad fawn!"/"UnLESS ...") {cl} - [4F03] Homer thinks Marge's hair is a cactus {bb} - [4F08] -The Disco Boots with the fish in the heels appear (Disco Stu wears a pair in 4F08 ... though the fish are dead in 4F08) {af} - [4F08] Homer says "good day" to get someone to leave {cl} - [BABF02] Abe mentions Homer's 300 game in bowling - [BABF07] Bart has apparently kept his Funzo doll - [BABF08] People holding brandy goblets (palm-up) {cl} - [BABF09] Lenny and goggles {cl} - [BABF14] Helicopter rescue from a fire {cl} - [CABF01] Someone says "... unLESS ..." {cl} - [CABF13] Maggie's appetite for Time Magazine {cl} - [CABF18] After sex, Marge says "Homer, that was AMAZING!" {cl} - [DABF01] Bart drives (I'm sure there's more) {cl} - [DABF03] The blackboard gag {th} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - "Time" magazine cover {bjr} TIME AOL RULES - Homer's counter-offer to Dr. Hibbert {bjr} DO IT FOR FREE - Morning paper headline {bjr} SLEEP IMPORTANT, SAY EXPERTS SLOW NEWS DAY GRIPS SPRINGFIELD [ picture of ] [ quiet street ] - Patty's nightshirt {bjr} SEXY AUNT - The name of Ziff's yacht {ts} PAZIFFIC PRINCE [The "Ziff" is printed in red, and larger than the other letters] - Sign on taxi door {bjr} JUST TAKE ME HOME CAB CO. - Highway sign {bjr} NOW ENTERING WEST SPRINGFIELD - "Help wanted" sign at the oil fields {bjr} ROUGHNECKS WANTED DANGEROUS WORK, FREE BURIAL - Sign on bus {ts} SUCK-U-BUS LINE ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== = When Homer wrote "Do It For Free" on the card, you couldn't see what Dr. Hibbert had written on it, yet Homer wrote it on the same side of the card. {ddg} * Correct me if I'm wrong, but surgery is not the only way to stop snoring. {bb} = Lisa and Milhouse don't seem to have any effect on the car when they push down on the accelerator and brake. {ddg} = Marge's wedding ring only appears when the Gruesome Twosome offer to snip it off. {bjr} * Marge came tired and sleepy at her sisters' place, but the next moment she was awake and watching TV. {bb} * Patty and Selma say they're watching a cable show, but their TV has an antenna. {jg2} = Since we saw the sun rise from Marge & Homer's bedroom in the front of the house in this episode, how did Artie's helicopter make a shadow on the back of the house at 7:35 AM? {th} = In two scenes with helicopter on ground, the small blade changes from vertical to horizontal. {ah} + Ziff should know Marge is happily married -- he saw her and Homer together at their high-school reunion. {bjr} + If Marge is 36, her senior year would have been 1982-83, not in the 1970s. [Of course, the usual caveat about characters not aging applies here -- Ed.] {th} * How did Artie get all those Springfield people to Silicon Valley for the prom? [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] {th} = At prom, when singer starts singing, her mouth just stays open! {ah} * Exit doors don't open in. Exit doors don't open in. Exit doors don't open in. {th} + It was actually Bart who operated the camera, not Homer. (Maybe Homer still doesn't know how to operate a camera.) {bb} = The helicopter blows the flames away when it first arrives [at the oil well], but then it seems to have no effect. {ddg} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Bojan Bugarin: This episode was great. The Baron Von Kissalot joke was excellent and when the kids were left behind I laughed so hard. There were some good previous episode references. (I'm surprised that Marge didn't put on her Channel dress from 3F11.) Overall a solid (A) Alex Foley: Not quite as good as last episode, but it was still a damn good and funny episode ... but enough with the Homer/Marge relationship episodes for a while before they start to get old (Though I blame this more on FOX). Still after a slow start, Season 13 is looking to be the best season in a while. (B+) Joe Green: This has to be the most consistently enjoyable Season 13 episode to date. I found myself laughing all the way through it, from CBG's dark secret (he likes Jar-Jar!) to Mount Carlmore. (A+) Tony Hill: This was the best episode so far this season. It was plenty funny and managed a pretty good interleave between the two plots. Usually the episodes that focus on Marge aren't this good. I give it an (A) Theodore G. Paulakis: Wonderful episode. Great references to past episodes, an actual story line, and the Texas/Where Is Springfield? goof was almost perfectly presented. (B+) Scott Petrick: When I watched this episode, I thought it would be one of those average 13th season episodes. But, this actually turned out OK considering that they haven't had a perfect episode in about a 3 years. Most of the gags were pulled off successfully. The first act was slow and a little "fake" but overall it earned a good: (B-) Stephen X: All in all, it was a good episode. Bringing back some older plotlines (Artie Ziff and the high school prom episode) is always good for old fans because it brings continuity to the show. I thought it would have been more interesting if Marge and Homer would have been inclined to take up Artie's offer due to longstanding financial troubles as opposed to some new development (Homer as a MONSTER snorer is believable but it still kinda came from nowhere). Still, there are many good things about the episode (sex and city ref was hilarious, cute pop references, good dialogue, laugh out loud funniness) that show that the Simpsons is going in the right direction. (B+) Yours Truly: Another figure from the Simpsons' past makes a surprise comeback in this week's show. Artie has another chance to win Marge over, and it's an intriguing concept. The execution gives it the short shrift, though, and the third act loses some of the momentum that was built up over the first two. Despite this, there are some funny moments -- Marge's sleep-over with her sisters would be the highlight -- that make this a solid if not out-and-out hilarious episode. A more than half-decent proposal. (B+) AVERAGE GRADE: B+ (3.29) Std Dev.: 0.7063 (10 reviews computed) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> Those eternal threads - Where Is Springfield Tony Hill writes: One could make a case that it's not too far from Silicon Valley based on this episode. Artie made the trip in not much time by helicopter. Capt. McAllister seems to work on Artie's ship in the Pacific Ocean. And Artie somehow managed to populate his prom in Silicon Valley with Springfield people. Based on Marge's $912 taxi fare and the $2 per mile rate for taxicab service in San Jose (HEY! HOW MANY CAPSULE WRITERS WOULD BOTHER TO LOOK THAT UP!), we can conclude that OFF lives 456 miles from Silicon Valley, give or take some dollars for sitting at red lights, etc. Ted Schuerzinger adds: Marge points out that West Springfield is three times the size of Texas. Compared to the size of Springfield itself on the map in Act 3, Springfield would seem to be quite large. Too large for Krusty to take Lisa to West Springfield Elementary in "Trilogy of Error". Also, the river south of West Springfield bears a slight resemblance to the flow of the Rio Grande, if you presume that the map has north at the top. Scott SPM: So if West Springfield is three times the size of Texas, I'm going to change my official Springfield location to Alaska. :-) >> The next eternal thread? Are Lenny and Carl gay partners? After this episode many people thought so, but not everyone. Amir Vardi opened the debate with: Lenny and Carl are gay together Stan answers: I'll bet they're just as gay apart. Angela Anuszewski: How thoroughly disturbing. But it makes me wonder what the whole point of the protective codpiece is. :) Casey weighs in with: They are not gay, they are just heterosexual life partners! "DJ Maniak": Much like Oswald and Lewis on "The Drew Carey Show." Alex Cain: No, Lenny is gay. Carl just accepts him as a homosexual. Dave Drysdale responds: And I still don't believe that Lenny and Carl are gay. It was just a joke based on the fact that they are always together. Hasn't anyone here ever had a good friend? Jason Saslow agrees: I don't see why that leads one to believe they're gay. It would appear to me that they're just really close friends and were used as a gag, side-by-side, with Marge and Homer. Lenny and Carl don't live with each other. They don't hold hands or kiss. And let's not forget they are regulars at Moe's tavern, run by Moe, the biggest homophobic in Springfield next to Homer and Barney (who are also regulars at Moe's and are also friends with Lenny and Carl). I don't see any evidence they're anything more than best friends. >> Meta-Reference Corner Benjamin Robinson: Most people know that the Simpsons also appear in commercials for Butterfingers. Tonight's blackboard gag, an apparent atonement for dissing the candy, is interesting for another reason. A recent episode, "Sweets and Sour Marge (DABF03)," slammed Butterfingers. Perhaps tonight's gag was to let the sponsor know that the show didn't mean any harm? >> Musical References Joe Green: "Wooly Bully" by Sam the Sham played on the radio of the car Dr. Hibbert rides in. "Disco Inferno" by the Trammps and "Precious and Few" by Climax played at the "prom." Joe Klemm: All I Have to Do is Dream is the music at the beginning. [{th} adds, "[it was] a hit for the Everly Brothers, [and] was written by Felice and Boudleaux Bryant." -- Ed.] "Georgy Girl" [is the] modem music. [{th} adds, "[it] was written by Jim Dale and Tom Springfield." How appropriate! -- Ed.] >> Meesa Haten Ja Ja! Jeff Cross: Jar-Jar Binks was one of the CGI characters in "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace." Initially placed in the film by George Lucas to give younger children someone to laugh at, Kwesi Mfune and the NAACP condemned the character on the grounds that his bumbling antics and wacky accent was too reminiscent of old racist minstrel shows. Ahmed Best, the actor who voiced Jar-Jar and stood in for him during production shoots, shrugs it off, claiming that similar distaste was expressed regarding Chewbacca. >> News from Cyberspace Benjamin Robinson writes: Time-Warner Magazines and AOL recently merged, in one of the largest corporate pairings in history. The idea is to produce a bonanza of corporate synergy, although in something more subtle than an "AOL Rules" headline on "Time" magazine. For instance, an article in the magazine might prompt the reader to log on to an AOL-owned web site "for more information." If, while reading your copy of "Time," you decided to check out the related website, chances are your browsing requests were sent through a router made by the Cisco Corporation. These machines are responsible for directing data traffic on the internet to its final destination. Cisco's financial performance has been underwhelming of late, as most sites now have more router capacity than they really need. >> Why Are You Watching Cartoons? Kim Cattrall's Naked On HBO Right Now! Jeff Cross: New York Observer columnist Candace Bushnell turned her essays on relationships and the Manhattan dating scene into the book "Sex and the City," which HBO adapted into a hugely successful TV series. It follows the romantic misadventures of four single women with "Seinfeld"-level neuroses regarding love, while at the same time causing major rushes on whatever clothes they happened to be wearing that particular episode. >> The Marge-asaurus P Piggly Hogswine asks: In last night's episode, anyone else think that the dinosaur stuffed animal homer uses while taping that message to Marge (along with Funzo) really looks quite a bit like Marge? I mean, its skin is green like Marge's dress and the bumps along its spine are the same blue as Marge's hair. And something about the snout reminded me of Marge's mouth. >> "The band hasn't played since the 'James at 16' wrap party!" Tony Hill: "James at 16" was a short-lived 60-minute drama series on NBC in 1977-78 starring Lance Kerwin as a troubled teenager." Think you remember this show with a different title? As Don Del Grande points out, you aren't imagining things: "James at 16" (about a boy who moves from the suburbs to downtown Boston, if I remember correctly) is one of very few shows to change its title in the middle of its run -- it started out as "James at 15" (in fact, the "16" episodes have the "James at 15" title, with the 15 then crossed out and 16 drawn in). >> Personality Parade Joe Green: John Woo is Chinese-born film director who first made his mark in the late '80s with a string of ultra-violent but stylishly filmed Hong Kong gangster movies (including "A Better Tomorrow," "The Killer," and "Hard Boiled"). He has since moved to the US and directed such popular Hollywood films as "Face/Off" and "Mission: Impossible 2." He's best known for staging slow-motion, carefully choreographed gun battles and action sequences. Benjamin Robinson: When Marge says she got used to saying "Courtney Cox- Arquette," she was referring to the former Courtney Cox. Famous mainly for playing Monica Gellar on "Friends," Ms. Cox married David Arquette a couple years ago. When famous actresses marry, they often keep their maiden name, which has box-office name-recognition value. Cox- Arquette, apparently decided to compromise a bit. >> Anti-Goof Alex Foley notes: Homer was not lying to Dondelinger when he said he's been drinking for 25 years. In 3G02 Homer relates the story of the time he and Barney got drunk and wrapped the wagon around the tree. He looked like he was around 10-11 years old in the flashback, thus Homer was telling the truth. I'd hate to be Homer's liver. Jason Saslow adds: Or 14 if you go by his age in The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace (39). >> Miscellaneous, Etc. The Joe Green alterna-title for this episode is: Artie of Darkness Benjamin Robinson: You know you're a computer nerd when ... the modem connection noise doesn't really bother you. ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr} ============================================================================== % It's nighttime, and the city of Springfield sleeps. Comic Book Guy % cuddles up with his beloved Jar-Jar doll. But not everyone is in % slumberland. Homer's buzz-saw snoring is keeping Marge awake. % Marge tries desperately to block the sound, even tying her hair % around her ears, but nothing works. Even blocking Homer's mouth and % nose fails, since that just redirects the snoring through his % eyelids. The next morning, Marge is clearly out-of-sorts, groggily % dumping some milk on a potted flower instead of a cereal bowl, and % handing the "breakfast" to Bart. Lisa gets a stack of magazines % with syrup. Cool -- Mom's on drugs! If we turn her in, we can get a form letter from Dick Cheney. -- Bart Simpson, "Half-Decent Proposal" % Lisa correctly guesses that sleep deprivation is causing Marge's % problems. Marge makes a Wednesday afternoon appointment for her % husband with Dr. Hibbert, allowing the doctor to get in a round of % "mailbox golf" that morning. Marge: I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots. Hibbert: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap. [writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer] Here's what it costs. Homer: [reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer. [writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert] Hibbert: [reads. The note says, "Do it for free"] [chuckles, then turns very serious] Get out. -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % So Homer keeps on snoring. Marge crawls out onto the front stoop % for some shut-eye, only to be awakened when the morning paper is % thrown there. ("Sleep important, study says," is the day's % headline.) % % The lack of sleep is definitely taking its toll on Marge. One % morning, she's driving Bart, Lisa, and Milhouse somewhere when she % nods off. Her head hits the steering wheel, sounding the horn. The % sound wakes her up. "I'll get it," she yells, right before % "answering" the driver's-side door. Marge is thrown from the car, % and rolls down a hillside, which turns out to be surprisingly % restful. % % The kids, meanwhile, have to take over the driverless car. Bart % takes the wheel, while Milhouse and Lisa have pedal duty. Milhouse: So Lisa, do you have a date for the harvest dance? Lisa: This is not a good time. Milhouse: It's never a good time! -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % That night Marge, looking bedraggled, turns up at her sisters' % apartment. Patty: [gasps] Overnight bag, no husband in sight -- it's happened! Selma: She left Homer? I'll get the champale. Patty: And let's get that ring off! [takes out a large pair of bolt-cutters] Marge: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah! I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring. Selma: Great -- we'll have a girls' night. Patty: No bras! [uses the bolt-cutter to snip her bra strap. Liberated, her bosom drops about four inches] -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % A couple of champales later, the ladies decide to watch some TV. Selma: Let's catch the tail end of "Nookie in New York." Marge: "Nookie in New York?" Patty: It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men. Marge: That sounds great! -- Fabulous, even, "Half-Decent Proposal" % They turn on the show. Four women sit around a table in a % restaurant. [These names are probably way off; I'm not a "SatC" watcher.] Miranda: If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat-cheese quesadilla, I'm going to scream. Charlotte: I also enjoy sex. Samantha: Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops, and a guy who works on Wall Street. Charlotte: Broker? Sarah: Nah. She's just really sore. [they all laugh] [back in the Bouviers' apartment] Patty: This is so like our lives. Selma: [grunts approval] It's like they hid a camera in our apartment. -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % "Coming up next on BHO," an announcer says, "It's 'Arli$$'!" This % sends Patty and Selma diving for the remote. They tune in to the % Channel 6 News. Kent: Gentlemen, start your envy. "Mens' Wealth" magazine has listed the 100 richest men in the country, and coming in at number five is Springfield native Artie Ziff. Patty: [to Marge] Whoa! Your old boyfriend. Marge: Please -- we went out once. Kent: Artie made megabucks with a revolutionary invention -- a converter that changes that horrible modem noise into easy-listening music. [some footage of Artie demonstrating his invention is shown. He's in a computer store, and a modem is connecting somewhere. As it makes the usual electric squealing noise, Artie flips a switch, and it begins to play "Georgie Girl"] Also available with lyrics! [flips a switch] Modem: [singing, in Artie's voice, to the tune of "Georgie Girl"] Hey, com-puter geek, You will be connected in no time. -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % Marge's sisters wonder why she didn't reel Artie in when she had the % chance. Marge tells them the story of how Artie went from a "sweet % little shrimp" to an "octopus," as we here in TV land see flashback % from "The Way We Was (7F12)." Selma: Well, I think you should get in touch with him. You know, just to congratulate him on his success. [nudges Marge's champale glass towards Patty, who refills it] Marge: Well, I suppose I could just write him a letter. Patty: Are you nuts? [points to a computer] E-mail, female. -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % So Thoroughly Modern Marge and her sisters get ready to send Artie % an e-mail. Marge drinks champale and tries to think of what to say. % Patty sits at the computer and helps her along. Selma: You just tell us what you want to say. Marge: Okay, hold on to your hats. [takes a sip of her drink] Dear Artie ... [giggles] Patty: [types] Dear Hottie ... Marge: Congratulations on your recent TV appearance. Patty: I want to sex you up. Your love slave, Marge. Marge: [gasps] You can't use the word "sex" on the internet. Patty: Watch me. [presses a button, and sends the message on its way] -- What's next, dirty pictures on the internet? "Half-Decent Proposal" % Forbidden words or not, the message zips over to Artie's Silicon % Valley office (pausing for a moment at a Cisco router). Artie sorts % through the day's mail. Artie: [bored] Anti-trust suit, anti-trust suit ... [yawns] [perks up] A note from Marge Simpson? Well, isn't that a coincidence. I was just thinking about her ... [the camera pulls back to reveal an office decorated exclusively with pictures and statues of Marge] ... for the last *twenty years!* -- You were always on my mind, "Half-Decent Proposal" % [End of Act One. Time: 5:48] % % The next morning Marge is feeling rejuvenated, and the family % immediately notices the difference as she makes breakfast -- no % magazines or flowers this time. Homer toasts the "happy, well- % rested" Marge. Suddenly, a helicopter lands in the back yard. Lisa: Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn. Bart: Let's approach with caution! [the family, save for Homer, goes out to meet the chopper] Homer: [laughs] Unguarded breakfast -- the sweetest taboo. [begins eating] -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % The helicopter lands, and Artie disembarks. Artie: Well, well, Marge Bouvier. Marge: Artie Ziff? Oh, oh, that e-mail. Look, I got a little drunk, and we-- Artie: I'm not surprised you want me back in your life. You can't spell "party" without "Artie" -- if you misspell "party" ... or "Artie" ... How you doing? Marge: Look, it's great to see you, but you should know I'm happily married. Artie: Married? Was it consummated? Marge: Pretty much, yeah. [gestures to the kids. Lisa waves] -- That settles that question, "Half-Decent Proposal" % Homer walks up, carrying a bowl of cereal. Marge chastises him for % eating with his mouth full, and Artie sees an opening. He invites % the family for a sail on his ship, the Paziffic Prince. % % Homer, Marge, and Artie enjoy a few drinks on the deck. Artie: Homer, Marge, I have a rather delicate proposition. Homer: Spill it, moneybags. Artie: [chuckles] Yes, I do have everything. Yet I often wonder what life with Marge would have been like. Homer: It's like being married to my best friend -- and he lets me feel his boobs. Marge: [laughs] Homey! Artie: Homer, I will give you one million dollars to let me spend the weekend alone -- with your wife. Marge: [gasps] Homer: Hmm, a million dollars? Wait a minute, how much sex would be involved? [threatens Artie with his fist] 'Cause if it's some ... Artie: No, no, no, all I want is to show her what life would have been like had she chosen me. Marge: Artie, that's a sick idea. C'mon, Homer, we're leaving. [Homer and Marge get up and leave] -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % Artie's helicopter takes off from Ziff's ship, carrying Marge out of % his life once again. Artie: [yelling after the helicopter] Just think about it! Cap'n: You'll win her yet, Artie. I mean, eh, Ahhrrr-tie. [they walk off] [Lisa and Bart emerge from below deck] Lisa: Hey, where's our parents? -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % That night, Homer wakes up with an idea. Homer: Hey, Marge, I just thought of something. Marge: What? Homer: If we had Artie's money, I could get that snoring surgery. Plus at least two of those other surgeries I desperately need. [grabs his chest and grimaces in evident pain] Marge: No way, no how. I got used to the snoring, just like I got used to saying Courtney Cox-Arquette. Besides, I like some of the noises you make in bed. Homer: Well, one squeaking spring symphony coming up. [a discreet amount of time later] Marge: Wow, Homer, that was amazing. Homer: Yeah, I ... [falls asleep and immediately starts snoring] -- That's pretty amazing, too, "Half-Decent Proposal" % The next morning, Marge hasn't gotten a wink of sleep. Even worse, % Homer demonstrates he can snore even while awake. They give in, and % decide to take up Artie on his offer. % % But they're not going to cater to Artie's every whim. Before Marge % leaves, Homer lays down the terms of the agreement. Homer: Okay, Artie, you get her for the weekend -- but no funny stuff. And by "funny stuff" I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo -- which is pretty much any John Woo film ... Artie: Your wife's virtue shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room. -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % So Marge kisses Homer goodbye, boards Artie's helicopter, and begins % the trip to his mansion. As she leaves, she sees Homer point to a % message he spelled out in rocks on the lawn: "Keep your clothes % on." % % Homer's feeling pretty good about the bargain he struck, and he % tells the guys down at Moe's. Homer: This round's on me, Moe. I've got a big payday coming. Lenny: Yeah! Homer sold his wife for a million bucks. Homer: I didn't sell her, I just rented her -- to an old boyfriend. Moe: Gee, a million bucks. That's going to buy him a lot of, uh, swings in the old battin' cage. Lenny: Looks like everyone's a winner. Marge gets a great new life. Carl: [to Homer] And you get more sprawl space on the bed. Homer: Wait, you really think Marge is going to fall for this guy? Even after I bought her that hockey fight tape? Carl: I'd dump your ass. Lenny: Me, too. Moe: Yeah, I can't get Artie out of my head. He's like a spy in the House of Moe. Homer: Oh, God, you're right! I've got to get her back before it's too late! [runs out of the bar] -- Seller's remorse, "Half-Decent Proposal" % Meanwhile, at stately Ziff manor, Artie is dressed to the nines, % 70s-style. He walks to his guest house and rings the bell. Marge, % also dressed up, greets him they leave for a large building on % Artie's compound. Marge: Where are you taking me? Artie: We're taking a trip through time. Marge: Forwards? Artie: No. [throws open the door to the building] Backwards! To the sexy seventies! Marge: Oh, my God! Artie, it's our senior prom! -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % Indeed, it is. Artie has painstaking recreated the Springfield High % School gym. Everything is as it looked that night in 1974 -- the % decorations, the outfits, even the people dancing. Artie paid the % people who were originally there to dress in 1970s fashion and dance % the night away. Artie: Marge, many years ago I took a groovy night and turned it into a complete bummer. Tonight, you get the prom you always deserved. [points to the band, and they begin playing, "Precious and Few"] Marge: Aw, that's very sweet, Artie. Artie: Come dear, we can dance all night. The band hasn't worked since the wrap party for "James at 16." [whispers] Some say they're cursed. -- Oh, no! Not the Simpsons curse! "Half-Decent Proposal" % Meanwhile, Homer has made it to Artie's mansion. Stopping briefly % to kick a statue of Artie, he runs up to the prom building. Homer: Oh, my God, it's our high school prom. And once again, I have no date! Dondelinger: [grabs Homer by the collar] Simpson! Homer: Hello, Dondelinger. Dondelinger: You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of Prom King Ziff. [sniffs] And have you been drinking? Homer: Just for twenty-five years. -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % Dondelinger drags Homer away from the door. Inside, Artie and Marge % finish their dance. Marge: You're very sweet, but no fake prom could make me forget my husband. Sorry. Artie: Very well, Marge. I see you'll never feel about moi the way I feel about toi. But before the evening ends, may I request an innocent peck on the cheek? Marge: Okay. [leans in] [Artie begins to kiss her passionately, as Marge struggles to get free. The camera pans up to a skylight, where Homer sees Artie and Marge in what appears to be a romantic embrace] Homer: Oh, no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born. [cries] -- Or something like that, "Half-Decent Proposal" % [End of Act Two. Time: 13:07] % % Marge finally breaks free of her wanna-be suitor, giving him a good % slap on the face, to boot. Marge: I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth! Keep your money -- I'm going home! [angrily walks out of the gym] -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % Artie is left sprawled alone on the dance floor. Everyone stares at % him, not quite knowing what to do. Artie tells them to stop staring % and start dancing again. Then he awkwardly demonstrates some break- % dancing moves. % % Unfortunately, Homer left the "gym" before seeing any of this. He % sits forlornly at Moe's, convinced Marge is ready to leave him for % his old rival. Homer: Oh, guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kissing a far superior man. Moe: Eh, well, if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doin' her right now. [Homer sobs on the bar. Lenny glares at him] Oh, yeah, make me the bad guy. Homer: My life here is over. Lenny, how'd you like to leave town with me and never come back? Lenny: Sounds like a plan! Homer: Then it's settled -- we leave Springfield forever! [the two men walk out. After they leave, Carl walks out of the men's room] Carl: What'd I miss? Anything good? -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % A taxi pulls up in front of the Simpson house. Marge, still dressed % in her prom outfit, gets out. Cabbie: That's $912. Marge: Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot. Cabbie: No problem-o. [he drives away] [establishing shot of a Bavarian castle, and then cut to an aristocratic drawing room. A butler approaches a man seated by a fireplace] Butler: This just arrived, Herr Baron. [hands him the taxi bill, which the man reads] Baron: [German accent] Okay, who's the wise guy? -- Another victim of identity theft, "Half-Decent Proposal" % Marge is surprised to find Homer missing and a videotape on the bed. % She plays it. It is, not surprisingly, from Homer. Homer: [to camera] Marge, if you're watching this, then it means I've figured out how to work the camera. Last night, I crashed a certain "fake prom." That's right -- Artie Ziff's fake prom. Marge: [gasps] Homer was there? Homer: I saw something terrible and I can't even say it, so I'll have these two dolls do it for me. [hold up a stuffed dinosaur and a Funzo doll] [wiggling the dinosaur, and speaking in falsetto tone] Kiss me, Artie. [wiggling Funzo] With pleasure. Homer's a big jerk. [brings the dolls together and makes kissing noises] Marge: [to the TV] But I can explain! Homer: I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids. I'll drop 'em off with Patty and Selma. Bart: [on the tape, but off camera] Patty and Selma? Screw that! Homer: Just run the camera, you little ... [lunges for Bart, knocking the camera over. From our point of view, the scenery swings around wildly, until the camera comes to rest pointing to Homer and Bart. He is simultaneously throttling the boy and crying] Goodbye, my darling. -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % By now, Homer and Lenny have boarded a bus and headed out into what % looks like an arid part of the country. Homer can't keep his wife % off his mind. Even the cacti and clouds remind him of her. Lenny % can sympathize. The bus drives past Mount Carlmore, a huge bust of % Carl carved out of solid mountain rock. Lenny: I carved that one wonderful summer. Homer: What did Carl think? Lenny: You know, we've never discussed it. -- Don't ask, don't tell, "Half-Decent Proposal" % The bus drops Homer and Lenny off at an oil refinery. A look at the % workers hits at what a dangerous place this is to work. It seems % that all of the men are missing a hand, or a limb. One fellow even % lost his head. Homer and Lenny approach the foreman. Homer: Do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoors-y. Lenny: Close to a bathroom? Foreman: I'll put you on rig 13 as soon as they burn off the corpses. [hands Homer and Lenny some forms to fill out] Homer: [filling out his form] This job will be perfect. I'm going to leave this world the way I entered it -- dirty, screaming, and torn away from the woman I love. Lenny: [chuckles] Quick and pointless -- that's the death for me! -- Have it your way, "Half-Decent Proposal" % Meanwhile, Homer's family tries to track him down. Bart does a % little detective work and finds that Homer has gone to West % Springfield, where he checked out books on oil-rigging and dying. Lisa: He must have taken a job in the West Springfield oil patch. That's practically a death sentence! Abe: [walks into the room] What happened now? Homer bowled a 300 game? Marge: Grampa, that happened a year and a half ago! -- Current events, "Half-Decent Proposal" % Lisa points out that West Springfield is "three times the size of % Texas," which will make searching for him practically impossible. % Then, Marge gets an idea ... % % Cut to Artie Ziff's helicopter, which is flying low over West % Springfield. Marge: I really appreciate you helping me find Homer. Artie: Think nothing of it, Marge. I hope we can always be friends. Marge: Of course. Artie: With privileges? Hmm? Hmm? [nudge, nudge, wink, wink] Marge: [glares until Artie backs off] Does that work on anyone? Artie: No. But when it does -- hello! -- "Half-Decent Proposal" % At rig 13, Homer and Lenny cap the well. They raise their goggles % in triumph. The seemingly innocuous gesture soon goes awry. The % goggles focus the sun's rays on a lone ant walking by the well, % catching it on fire. The ant runs into the anthill. Seconds later, % the whole colony of ants, all of them aflame, rush out. They try to % douse the flames by leaping into the nearest puddle of liquid, which % in this case would be a small pool of oil that has collected near % the well. It immediately catches fire, and Homer and Lenny are % surrounded by flames. "Oh, no! This is how faceless Joe lost his % legs," Homer shouts. Lenny, however, is nonchalant about his % imminent doom. % % Just then, Artie's helicopter flies over the well. Marge opens the % side door, and lets down a rope ladder to the two men. Marge: Climb up! [Lenny starts to do so, but Homer stays on the rig] Lenny: Ain't you coming, Homer? Homer: Why? So I can watch my wife spend the rest of her life in the arms of another man? I don't think so. Good day! [turns his back on the ladder] Marge: But Homer! Homer: [pulls Lenny off the ladder] We said, "Good day!" -- "We?" "Half-Decent Proposal" % Artie pokes his head out the door. "You've won," he yells, "You own % Marge's heart, and that's something I could never buy." Homer % starts climbing the ladder, but now Lenny seems reluctant to go. % "There's nothing on that helicopter for me," he says. Just then, % Carl appears at the helicopter door. Overjoyed, Lenny follows Homer % up the ladder. % % Back at home, Homer thanks Artie for the rescue. He also tries to % collect his million-dollar fee, but Marge won't let him. Homer is % exasperated. I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die? -- Homer Simpson, "Half-Decent Proposal" % Artie reminds Homer of the lesson of this adventure -- that he's % "rich, rich, rich!" With that, he boards his helicopter and leaves. % % In the end, though, it looks like Artie was able to help out Marge % and Homer after all. His latest invention is a snore converter. % The device looks ominously like a gas mask. When the snorer straps % it on, it converts the sound of his snoring into music -- % specifically, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This" by Eurythmics. With % the device working, Homer and Marge settle into bed. Artie: [via a speaker on the converter] He's a loser, Marge -- dump him! [to the tune of "Sweet Dreams"] I've traveled the world and the seven seas, I am watching you through a camera! [Marge looks startled] -- Sweet dreams, indeed, "Half-Decent Proposal" % [End of Act Three. Time: 20:43] % % Normal closing credits and Gracie Sound. ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {af} Alex Foley {ah} Aaron Howald {bb} Bojan Bugarin {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {cl} Chad Lehman {ddg} Don Del Grande {jc} Jeff Cross {jg} Jeremy Gallen {jg2} Joe Green {jk} Joe Klemm {mm} Michael Morbius {sb} Sam B {sx} Stephen X {th} Tony Hill {ts} Ted Schuerzinger ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2005 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2005 Benjamin Robinson. This capsule has been brought to you by Ziff World Industries. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.