"A Burns' Carol"


By Mike Gray

Fade in: (with normal happy simpsons tune)


Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty:

KRUSTY:(dressed as Santa) Ho, ho, ho, kids! This is Krusty's last show for the next 2 weeks! Me and Mel are going to the Bahamas to soak up some sun! And for you christians out there, Merry Christmas! Here's a brand new itchy and scratchy!

(Itchy and Scratchy cartoon summery-entitled, "Santa's SLAYride"-opening shot of poor shoemaker Scratchy sobbing over unfinished shoes for the winter's ordering rush-you see on back wall order slip for 1000 shoes by Dec. 25, and a calander declaring it's the 24th. Scratchy cries for a few more moments until he hears a knock at the door. It's elve(s) Itchys come to help! Scratchy rejoices and hands them all hammers and needles. They go to work on the shoes, but instead bludgen Scratchy with the hammers, then persist to poke holes into him with needles. The end scenes have elves Itchy's sitting around fireplaces throwing peices of Scratchy in as kindling.)

(Bart and Lisa laugh for a while, then calm down and wipe tears out of their eyes)

LISA: Gee, wonder what's keeping dad tonight? It's christmas eve and we still haven't finished decorating the tree.

BART: Yeah, dad's never home late when he knows there's a large amount of food waiting for him.

(cutaway to SNPP, where it's snowing some sickly green snow, which makes small craters in the ground when they hit.)

(Cutaway to Homer and cronies hanging about in office lounge, discussing their holiday plans)

HOMER: Man, oh, man! Is this ever gonna be sweet! Nothing but 5 days in a row of sitting on my duff drinking a Duff.

LENNY: Yeah, with my christmas bonus this year, I'm going to visit my Mom down in Baltimore and buy her a brand new 1984 Chevy Nova!

CARL: Yeah, and I'm planning on buying that T.V. with a remote AND a VCR built into it!

(crackle over intercom)

BURNS: (over intercom) Hello, employees, and Merry Christmas! I suppose you are all waiting for your fat greedy little wads of cash, squandering away your measly short-termed fortunes to indulge yourselfs into a middle-class orgy? Perhaps to buy a used car, or a brand new TV, or a case of beer to kill yet a few more of your already-short supply of brain cells?

CROWD: (Cheers and whistles and hoots and hollers for a few minutes)

BURNS: Shut up!

CROWD: (makes frowny faces and mumbles and groans for a few moments)

BURNS: But, due to budget cuts and a very stingy pocket, you all get NOTHING! You all must also work over your 5 day vacation times due to excessive demand for energy for all of your christmas lights and tacky ornemants

HOMER: (flashback to extremely lit house, with about 300,000 lights, all white, covering Simpsons' house, making it barely standable to look at.) DOH!

VOICE FROM EMPLOYEES: What if we all go home and turn off these tacky ornemants?

BURNS: Nooo, you will still have to work. In fact, if I even catch one of you trying to leave here before your day is up, I will dock everyone's pay and make sure that individual is fired. Good day, and Merry Christmas to all!

(sound of speaker being turned off)

(cutaway shot to Burns' office, with mic. on desk and Smithers standing to the left of him.)

BURNS: Hmm, I shouldn't be able to hear them. Smithers , have someone check into that.

SMITHERS: Yes, sir. Um, sir, while we're on the subject of bonuses, don't you find it a bit, well, EVIL, to dock these poor mens' pay? I mean, this is one of the few things they look forward to.

BURNS: Smithers, you soft-hearted fool. If you give them these types of benifits, such as bonuses and vacation time, what's next? They may ask for water that doesn't come from the desanitization chambers, or abspestos free plumbing in the bathrooms, or, god help us, some actual protection from the radiation. If we are going to spend that much money on the employees, we might as well get people that know what they're doing!

SMITHERS: But, sir! You can afford it! The bonuses would only cost you a few million dollars, and you have, at last count, 16.5 billion!

BURNS: I have had enough of your insolence! Smithers, I wish to be alone tonight. Leave me be.

SMITHERS: But sir...


(throws a glass at Smithers, glass only travels about 2 feet. Smithers picks it up and brings it with him.)

SMITHERS: Very well, sir. I'll have this clean for you by tomorrow.

(Smithers leaves:Cut scene to Marge hanging up phone.)

MARGE: That was your father, kids. He has to work tonight and he didn't get the bonus this year. B&L: Ohhhhh!

MARGE: What kind of horrible person would cancel his entire work force's bonuses and vacations?

(cutaway shot to Burns, at desk, who has huge meal in front of him. He eats but a small fraction of it and wipes his mouth clean and walks over to moniters of the workers.)

BURNS: Look at them! Whiny, retched, filthy lollgaggers. "Oh, mr. Burns, what about our bonuses? Oh, Mr. Burns, what about our vacations?" unfaithful fools. Why should I give them anything?

VOICE #1: Because they are hard workers and are completely devoted to the plant.

BURNS: What? Who's there?

VOICE #1: Just someone you used to be, Burns. Or should I call you Monty?

(voice appears as a younger, haired burns. around the age of 20 or so)

BURNS: What the? Who the devil are you?

Y. BURNS: Why, I'm you. Don't you recognize me, old chap? It's you, in 1921, Yale! Old "wildman" Monty! You used to dance the charlston and swallow goldfish with the best of them! You used to have fun! You used to be a giving, loving person! What happened?

BURNS: What's happened? I'll tell you what's happened. I've just pressed the security alarm. There will be approx. 30 heavily armed security guards in here faster than you can say Gho...

(just before completion of word, windows and doors cave in, revealing about 30 heavily armed security guards surrounding Burns.)

BURNS: Don't just stand there! Kill him!

SECURITY GUY #1: Um, kill who, Mr. Burns?

BURNS: Me, stupid! I'm standing right there!

(confused security guys just stand there and look around at each other for a moment)

Y. BURNS: Oh, forget it, old chap. They can't hear or see me.

BURNS: Doooh, nevermind. Carry on, men. (Security guys jog out of the room single file.)

Y. BURNS: See, Monty? You've become such a horrible person that you'd kill your own self just for bothering you. Let's see where all this tension and hatred started from, shall we?

(Y. Burns touches Burns on the skull and suddenly they are transported to a 1920's Yale square, snowy out.)

(You see y. burns and Burns look into a window, which shows a young burns and company around a table)

Y. BURNS (INSIDE): Come, friends! Enjoy the feast which I have sponsered, and eat and drink heartily!

Y. BURNS (outside): You see? You used to be the happiest of people, until...

(scene changes, you see Y. Burns working in chem. lab, writing down equations and such)

Y. BURNS (outside): Your own greed had corrupted it all.

(Crowd of burns' friends crowd into the room)

1st friend: Come on, you old yaley! We're going out on the town in Edsel's new car!

Edsel: (stupid cletus-like accent) I deesined it myself, huh huh huh.

Y. BURNS (Inside): No, go on without me. I'm busy working on a new chemical reaction which would burn through anything and would kill a man just by the smell. I'll either call it "The Deadly Stuff", or Napalm. I'm not sure.

BURNS (old one): I should have called it "The Deadly Stuff". I could have marketed it better with that name.

2nd friend: Come on, Burnsy, you're working yourself stupid. It's christmas eve, for god's sake! Let's let us old chums go out on the town and make some noise!

Y. BURNS (INSIDE): (angrily) Listen, you rich lollgaggers, I don't have time for your unprofitable little adventures! I'm working on something that will one day bring me a lot of money and power, and it's people like you that never get anywhere in life! Good day to you! all friends:

(grumbiling and griping as they leave the room)

1st friend: You know, Monty, money isn't everything.

(the past fades and Burns finds himself alone again in his office)

BURNS: Wha? I shouldn't have drinken that tap water today. Yeecchh! I hate to think of what's in there!

(Burns feels a bit chilly, so he turns a knob and a fireplace turns on.)

(Just as fire turns on, huge cloud of smoke fills the room. Burns lunges for the fire extinguisher) (A white-angel-like Homer appears)

(Burns shoots the Fire Extinguisher off just as Homer was about to talk, so Homer explodes in a large foamy mess and re-forms right next to Burns)

Angel Homer: Uh, hello.


A. HOMER: Doh!

(Burns drops to his knees and puts hands together, pleading)

BURNS: Great spirit, do not hurt me! I have no quarrel with you!

A. HOMER: Yeah, well maybe I have a quarral with you! You walk around here thinking you're soooo big, just because you're the plant's owner, and just because you have all the money.

BURNS: Your point?

A. HOMER: right back.

(Homer dissappears in a cloud of smoke, you see a star in the sky and another star zip up there)

A. HOMER (In star form): Uh, I forgot what I was supposed to say.

(other star wispers it to homer)

A. HOMER: OK, gotcha.

(Homer re-appears, with Burns trying to load a gun)

A. HOMER: OK, so even if you have the money, what else do you have?

BURNS: 37 priceless paintings, at least 12 Rolles Roices,the loch ness monster, and many, many irreplacable treasures. In fact, I think I own everything there is to have in this world.

A. HOMER: What about love? What about friends?What about respect?(pauses for a second)What about happiness?

BURNS: (In a rage) How dare you tell me what I do not have? I am C. Montgomery Burns! I have everything!

A. HOMER: We'll see about that.

(Angel Homer takes Burns' hand and fly thru a wall together, much to the amazement of Burns.)

(They end up in good ol' Sector 7-G, where they veiw Homer, looking depressed, hunched over his work station, pushing buttons)

A. HOMER: Here's a fine example of someone that has more than you.

BURNS: Who, that cockeyed slobby moron? What does he have that I can't possibly have?

(You see Lenny and Carl drop by.)

LENNY: Hey, Homer! We've been friends for so long, here's a present from me and Carl.

(Homer opens it and gasps...a case of Duff beer!)

HOMER: Gee, thanks guys. how'd you know? Anyways, I got something for each of you, too.

(Homer hands them both presents wrapped in the sunday comics.)

(They open them up, to find 2 identical framed pictures of all 3 posing for the camera together)

(Lenny and Carl thank Homer, they hug, and wish each other a Merry Christmas.)

A. HOMER: You see? That poor man, aside from his good looks, has a horrible job and doesn't have much going with him. But he has something you don't have.

BURNS: What? A case of cheap domestic beer?

A. HOMER: NO! He has friends. He gets respect and love from his fellow man and isn't hated. You get no respect or love from anyone and you are hated by all. All because you are driven and care for only one thing:yourself.

BURNS: Preposterious! This man is obviously a fluke! Show me any other person who has more than I do!

(A. HOMER brings Burns to Homer's house, where the Simpson family is getting prepared for dinner)

MARGE: Kids! You all better get down here! Dinner's on!

(cutaway shot of A. HOMER and Burns looking over the family)

MARGE:(Finishing blessing) And lord, we only hope that Homer could have joined us for this feast, instead of working hor that awful, awful man, Mr. Burns.


(All start digging in while talking about Mr. Burns)

BART: That Mr. Burns sure has some nerve!

LISA: Yeah, it almost makes me wonder if he even has a soul, or if he's just an empty, evil shell of a lost man.

BART: Whatever he is, he's about to be a man without any unbroken windows come tomorrow morning.

BURNS: Why that little punk! How dare they talk about me like that? I'm the richest man in town!

A. HOMER: True, but you're also the most hated man in town. Frankly, if you were to be lying in the street, bleeding, chances are people would go out of their way just to watch you suffer.

BURNS: But...but I have everything!

A. HOMER: Except one thing:love. You don't have any of it. All you are is a man consumed with greed, money, and power. No one's ever loved you, and no one will ever love you. You, my dear sir, are evil. I hope what I've shown you tonight will help you change your ways. If not, may God help you.

(A. Homer takes a piece of the Ham and wolves it down, then dissappears)

(Everything suddenly goes dark, and Burns is in his room)

BURNS: Wha? How on earth did I get here? No matter. I am weary. This has been one unusual night.

(Burns goes to his bed and goes to sleep, only to be awoken by a fierce, loud sound. He wakes up and peeks out of his covered bed, only to see the roof of his house torn off. Burns shreaks and curls into a ball undreneath the blanket. Everything goes dark until you hear everything die down. Burns pokes his head out from his covered bed and sees a figure in a dark robe pointing at him)


Voice #2: (deep, horrible voice) You, Charles Montgomery Burns, are guilty!


Voice #2: Guilty of the crime of heartlessness!


(head pops out of the hooded robe, and who is it but our old pal Flanders!)

Flanders: 'Fraid so, Burnsisly wurnsily.

BURNS: But...but...I promise I'll change my ways!

Flanders: Sorry, but it's my job to show you your future if you don't change. It's a union thing, you know?

(Flanders puts robe over Burns, and takes it off, where they see a huge power plant, with 12 cooling towers, which takes up most of the town's area. The skies are purple-black from the years of pollution. They take a tour inside the plant, where there are people who are working as slaves, complete with being chained to their work stations and having guards hovering over them.)

BURNS: Wha...what has happened to my beautiful plant?

Flanders: Well, sir, once you won your 4th canidicy for governer, you eliminated the need of health inspections in this state. Also, you had sanctioned most of the town as governmental property to expand your plant more. Now you're in your 6th term as governor, which you had re-titled "Overlord". Heck, you own Springfeild and everyone works for you now.

Burns: (evily) Excellant.

Flanders: Well, at least, they did. One day you were walking down the street with only 15 bodyguards and approximately 30,000 people jumped you and beat your bodyguards to death. Then Springfeild was thrown into chaos and a huge riot persisted. In the end, common people, your workers, and your execs had all revolted and taken over everything and did a public execution for you.

Burns: I was executed?

Flanders: And how! Instead of a humane death, they decided to chinese water torture you, then make you watch every Police Acadamy movie, and finally stoned you to death.

Burns: oohh!

Flanders: (rolls eyes) Not that kind of stoning.

Burns: Drat.(pauses) Great spirit, can you at least show me one soul that cares, or at least, had cared for me?

Flanders: Oakily Dokily.

(Flanders takes Burns under cloak again, and shows a grave with C.M. Burns initials on it, with a figure standing over it. It's Smithers, aged, crying a bit.)

SMITHERS: Mr. Burns, I had always thought of you as a friend, and as a confidant. I tried all I could to rescue you from your downward spiral into madness, but I guess it was too late. You had wanted it all, and lost it all because of your greed. Goodbye, sir.

(Smithers leaves a rose on the grave, and Burns turns around to ask the spirit a question, but the spirit is gone)


Flanders Voice: Well sir, change the future by changing the present. You can undo what you have done. But act quickly, before it's too late.

(Burns is suddenly hurled into a reddish-hellish void of shreaks and terrors, and faces of employees and townsfolks going by him, yelling his name. Burns starts screaming)

(Scene cutaway to Burns, kneeling on his bed, hands on his head, screaming.)

BURNS: Noooooo!!! Wha? what the? I'm back! I'm back, I'm back, I'm ba-ack! What time is it?

(looks at clock-7:00 am)

BURNS: 7 am , Christmas! Beautiful! Beautiful day! I can change things! I can save myself before it's too late!!!

(Burns goes to the window, where he spots Bart Simpson with a rock in his hand, ready to hurl it at a window)

BURNS: You there! Dear boy!

BART: Me, sir? (cockny british accent)

BURNS: Yes! You, boy, go down to the Quikie Mart and buy me the biggest glazed ham there is!

(ties a $100 bill around a Rolex watch, throws it down to Bart) And keep the change!

BART: Woo-hoo!

(cut scene to SNPP, where Homer and gang is in coffee room during a break, sipping coffee and looking tired)

(crackle over intercom)

BURNS: Listen up, men! There's been a few changes in referance to your work schedules...

HOMER: Oh, great. Now what is he going to have us do, walk around with brooms up our butts to sweep up?

BURNS: No, my feisty little employee, what I'm trying to say is that (excitedly) There is no more work! Men, enjoy your vacations! I look forward to all of you next week!

CROWD: (Cheers and whistles and hoots and hollers for a few minutes)

BURNS: Shut up!

CROWD: (makes frowny faces and mumbles and groans for a few moments)

BURNS: Also, on your way out, be sure to pick up your Christmas bonuses, ready to go. In fact, I have added a little bit extra to them, just for good measure.

CROWD: (Cheers and runs out of the coffee room, on their way to punch out)

BURNS: And have a Merry Christmas!

(crackle over intercom going off)

(cutaway shot of Mr. Burns' smiling face, with Smithers' hand on his shoulder.)

SMITHERS: You did a good thing, sir.

BURNS: Why, thank you, Smithers.

SMITHERS: (clears throat) Well, sir, I have gotten a present for you.

BURNS: Why, what is it, Smithers?

SMITHERS: Here you go, sir. (Burns opens it up, revealing a book:A Christmas Carol)

BURNS: What the devil?

SMITHERS: Ha, ha. Just kidding sir. Here's your real present.

(Smithers hands him an envelope)

BURNS: (opens it) Why, it's 2 tickets to Rent! How delicious!

SMITHERS: Yes, sir! You and I can go!

BURNS: Why, thank you Smithers.

SMITHERS: No, thank YOU, sir.

(Smithers winks at the camera.)

(Burns and Smithers walk off, and Burns puts his arm around Smithers, and they go off laughing as Burns tosses A Christmas Carol into the fire place.)

(Closing shot/credits roll over-Watching A Christmas Carol burn in the fireplace as Homer sings silent night while screwing up the lyrics)

(Silent Night lyrics)

Si-ilent night
Ho-oly night
All is calm
All is right
Around the Virgin
We'll make things bright
Holy infantry
Tender, not mild
Sleep in heaven, and peace
Sleep in heaven, and peace

(Small instrumental)

(spoken)Oh, crap, there's more?
(sung) Ra-ainbow bright
Angels fight
Break your nose
Break up the fight
Kill that Flanders
That stupid guy
Smash that Flanders
And that stu-upid fly
Beat then heavinly pe-eace
Beat him, then heavinly peace.

HTML by Mike Gray

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Last updated on January 13, 1999 by Jouni Paakkinen (