The Simpsons Ride
Mini-capsule
Compiled by Tim Reardon
The Simpsons Ride is a simulator attraction at Universal Studios
Hollywood and Orlando. The ride takes place at Krusty's theme park
where a new ride is being opened. Meanwhile Sidshow Bob has escaped
from jail yet again. Along with the Simpsons, we are the first
people to ever go on this new ride and it turns out that Bob has
taken control of it.
Voice Credits (original material)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer, Krusty, Grampa, Groundskeeper Willie,
Pimply Faced Teen, Hans Moleman, Barney, Kodos,
Repo Man, and Mr. Freidman (Dr. Brown's loan
officer)
Julie Kavner: Marge, Patty, and Selma
Nancy Cartwright: Bart, Maggie (baby noises), Nelson, Ralph, and
the Happy Little Elves
Yeardly Smith: Lisa
Hank Azaria: Apu, Chief Wiggum, Moe, Professor Frink, Cletus,
Lou, Snake, the Sarcastic Man, and Pants-off
Johnson
Kelsey Grammer: Sideshow Bob
Christopher Lloyd: Dr. Brown
Voice Credits (archive footage)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer, Krusty, Grampa, Itchy, Hans Moleman,
I Can't Believe They Invented It announcer
(9F20), Mitch (9F11), Mice in control room
(9F01), Animals at graduation (9F03), Pigs
(3F03), Horary for Everything member (9F11),
Captain Lance Murdoch (9F11), Fish 2 (9F11),
Control room man 3 (2F01), and Robot Repairman
2 (2F01)
Julie Kavner: Marge and Selma
Nancy Cartwright: Bart, Robot Kids (9F11), Mt. Splashmore kids
(7F18), Kids on train (3F03), and Horary for
Everything member (9F11)
Yeardly Smith: Lisa
Hank Azaria: Dr. Nick, Sea Captain, Professor Frink, Cletus,
Man in car (9F20), Surly Duff (9F11), Conductor
(9F03), Horary for Everything member (9F11),
Guest relations man (2F01), Movie narrator
(2F01), Control room man 1 (2F01), Officer
(2F01), and Man in Itchy costume (2F01)
Harry Shearer: Scratchy, Man in pool (9F20), Doggie Doorman
(9F20), Mitch's supervisor (9F11), Mt.
Splashmore Narrator (7F18), Wolf (3F03), Father
Bear (3F03), Canyonaro narrator (5F10), Horary
for Everything member (9F11), Duff Gardens
announcer (9F11), Fish 1 (9F11), Bort (adult)
(2F01), Control room man 2 (2F01), Robot
Repairman 1 (2F01), and Park announcer (2F01)
Pamela Hayden: Robot Kids (9F11), Baby bear (3F03), Kids on
train (3F03), Horary for Everything member
(9F11), and Bort (child) (2F01)
Russi Taylor: Kids on train (3F03)
Maggie Roswell: Woman at Frying Dutchman (9F06), Bort's mother
(2F01) and Woman in giftshop (2F01)
Phil Hartman: Troy McClure
Denise Kumagai: Mr. Sparkle women (4F18)
Karen Maruyama: Mr. Sparkle women (4F18)
Sab Shimono: Mr. Sparkle host (4F18), Mr. Sparkle (4F18), and
Mr. Sparkle reporter (4F18)
Hank Williams Jr.: Himself (5F10)
Press reports gave both Pamela Hayden (Milhouse) and Russi Taylor
(Martin) voice credits. Both Milhouse and Martin appear but do not
speak. I tried listening really hard to the scene of Martin getting
hassled by Chief Wiggum in the queue video and where Milhouse is
amongst Patty and Selma's lost and found items in the midway show
for maybe a grunt or a gasp or any noise but I couldn't hear
anything. Other reports listed "Louie the hitman" as a character
voiced by Hank Azaria in the ride. I presume that this would mean
Fat Tony's henchman Louie but I could not find him anywhere in the
ride. I think that those reports might have been incorrectly
referring to the sarcastic man as he was not listed in those
reports.
Other reports stated that "at least 24" characters have speaking
roles which is accurate. Depending on how you count you can get
different numbers. For example, is Maggie counted as a speaking
character? Are you counting the characters that are only in
archive footage but not in any original material? How do you count
the Happy Little Elves? etc.
Harry Shearer's absence in the ride is as seamless as one could
have hoped for. All of the characters one would have expected to
see in the main storyline just happen to not be any of his. Even
the booths in the midway are manned by the most natural choices.
Sure it would have been nice to see in the queue video a scene in
which Homer is trying to cut in line in front of Flanders or
something like that, but there isn't one instance in which it
seems awkward that his characters do not speak.
Troy McClure appears in clips from the Simpsons TV show in the
queue. Interestingly enough The Simpsons Ride isn't the only
Orlando area attraction where Phil Hartman can be heard. He also
plays Morris the toucan in The Enchanted Tiki Room (Under New
Management) at Disney's Magic Kingdom.
Character cameos seen in ride (Appearances elsewhere in the park
are not listed here unless that character does not appear in the
ride)
Apu: runs concession stand in midway and is seen outside
of Kwik-E-Mart in ride. His concession stand can
also be seen on the Krustyland map
Barney: entertains guests as Scratchy in Krusty's midway
welcome and stands outside of Moe's in ride. Also
appears on the poster for "Captain Dinosaur's Pirate
Rip-Off." The same poster can be seen in the "So
Many Great Rides" segment in queue video
Bumble Bee Man: Moe steals Bumble Bee Man dolls from Willie's booth
in midway. There are also Bumble Bee Man dolls
as part of the physical structure of the booth.
Carl: watching Krusty's midway welcome. Also a brochure
for "Crazy Carl's Coupon Castle" is at the
information booth but it is probably a different
Carl
Chief Wiggum: gives a warning about Sideshow Bob in queue video,
inspects a gun in Krusty's midway welcome, and can
be heard on PA in ride. Also appears on the "exit
only" signs and on the "Madame Manjula" poster
Cletus: seen in archive footage in queue video, in
background with Brandine in "Wiggum's Warning"
segment in queue video and gives tips on theme park
enjoyment with Brandine, Whitney, Birthday,
International Harvester, Crystal Meth, Dubya,
Incest, Jitney, and eight additional children in
queue video. Also appears with Brandine on the
poster for "Krusty's Balloon Parade" and on the
"Screamatorium of Dr. Frankmarestein" poster
Comic Book Guy: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
queue video, waiting in line in "Lisa's Boyfriend"
segment in queue video, watching Krusty's midway
welcome, and waiting in line at "Captain Dinosaur's
Pirate Rip Off" in ride. He also appears on the
poster for "Yard Work Simulator"
Cookie Kwan: watching Krusty's midway welcome
Database: watching Krusty's midway welcome
Disco Stu: watching Krusty's midway welcome
Dr. Hibbert: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
queue video with wife and three kids and watching
Krusty's midway welcome with wife and three kids
Dr. Nick: seen in archive footage in queue video
Eddie and Lou: assist Chief Wiggum in "Wiggum's Warning" segment in
queue video and assist Chief Wiggum in Krusty's
midway welcome
Fat Tony: watching Krusty's midway welcome
Grampa: seen in archive footage in queue video, Gets
interviewed by Krusty in queue video. Seen waiting
in line in "Are We There Yet?", "Cotton Candy", and
"Moe Scalping Beer" segments in queue video. Has
Hans Moleman watch Maggie while using the diaper
changing station in Moleman's information booth,
watching Krusty's midway welcome, is stopped by the
pimply faced teen before entering the ride and
watches Maggie in pre-boarding video, and waiting in
line for "Happy Little Elves in Panda Land" in ride.
There's also a Grampa flag along with the rest of
the family in front of the ride building and Grampa
appears on the "Madame Manjula" poster
Groundskeeper
Willie: runs milk bottle game in midway and waiting in line
at "Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip Off" in ride. Also
a picture of a little troll like guy who looks like
Willie is on the "Knock Over the Fuzzy Guy" booth
outside the ride building and Willie is on the
poster for "Impervo the Painless"
Hans Moleman: seen in archive footage in queue video and runs
information booth in midway
Happy Little
Elves: Doofy, Bubbles, and Cheery seen in "Happy Little
Elves in Panda Land" attraction in ride and on
a poster advertising it. Their ride is also
mentioned on the Krustyland map.
Helen Lovejoy: waiting in line in "Grampa's Interview" segment in
queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome
Itchy and
Scratchy: seen in archive footage in queue video, Itchy and
Scratchy picture seen in Krusty's office in queue
video, Itchy and Scratchy statues seen in "Back to
the Future" segment in queue video, Ned takes a
photo of Rod and Todd with a costumed Scratchy in
background in "Moe Scalping Beer" segment in queue
video, Itchy and Scratchy flags seen in "Moe
Scalping Beer" segment in queue video, Moe steals
Itchy dolls from Willie's booth in midway, costumed
versions of Itchy and Scratchy (with Barney playing
Scratchy) entertain guests in Krusty's midway
welcome, star in "Safety First" in pre-boarding
video, and a giant spinning Scratchy can be seen in
ride. They also appear on height measurement signs.
There are several Itchy and Scratchy attractions
seen on the Krustyland map. They appear on the
poster for "Krusty's Balloon Parade" in balloon
form. There are also Itchy dolls as part of the
physical structure of Willie's booth. The midway
has a generic advertisement for the Itchy and
Scratchy show and has Itchy and Scratchy's wheel of
pain. There are Itchy and Scratchy ornaments
to the left and right of the TV in the funhouse
Janey: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome
Jasper: watching Krusty's midway welcome
Jebediah
Springfield: Jebediah Springfield statue in ride
Jimbo,
Kearney,
and Dolph: walking in background in "Grampa's Interview"
segment in queue video and watching Krusty's midway
welcome. Also appear on the "Tooth Chipper" poster
Kang and Kodos: in space ship in ride and have giant statues of them
in ride. Also "Get Probed by Kang and Kodos" seen
on Krustyland map
Kent Brockman: waiting in line in "Lisa's Boyfriend" segment in
queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome
with daughter
Lard Lad: Lard Lad statue in ride
Lenny: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
queue video, walking in background in "Wiggum's
Warning" segment in queue video, and watching
Krusty's midway welcome
Manjula: on poster for "Madame Manjula's The Future
Looker-After!" and the attraction is seen on
the Krustyland map
Martin: gets hassled by Chief Wiggum in "Wiggum's Warning'"
segment in queue video and watching Krusty's midway
welcome with parents
Mayor Quimby: waiting in line for "Happy Little Elves in Panda
Land" in ride
Milhouse: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
queue video with Kirk, is amongst the lost and
found items in Patty and Selma's midway booth, and
watching Krusty's midway welcome with Kirk. Also on
the "Screamatorium of Dr. Frankmarestein" poster
Miss Hoover: waiting in line in "Cotton Candy" segment in queue
video, waiting in line in "Lisa's Boyfriend"
segment in queue video, in background in "Moe
Scalping Beer" segment in queue video, and watching
Krusty's midway welcome
Moe: sells beer to Homer in queue video, loots Willie's
booth in midway, and stands outside of bar in ride.
Also appears on a poster for "Captain Dinosaur's
Pirate Rip-Off," The same poster can be seen in the
"So Many Great Rides" segment in queue video, "Moe's
Tunnel of Shame and Rejection," can be seen on the
Krustyland map, and there is a Moe's Tavern brochure
at the information booth
Mr. Burns: in hot air balloon in ride. Also appears on the
"Madame Manjula" poster
Mr. Teeny: Mr. Teeny statue seen in "Back to the Future"
segment in queue video and appears on monitor above
ride vehicle dancing with Krusty when ride takes
longer than usual to launch. Also appears on the
poster for "Sideshow Mel and Mr. Teeny's Musical
Revue"
Mrs. Krabappel: on poster for "The Isotop-ettes Musical Spectacular"
Ned, Rod, and
Todd Flanders: in background in "Moe Scalping Beer" segment in
queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome.
Also appear on the poster for "The Sea Captain's
Queasy Time Lagoon Adventure"
Nelson: watching Krusty's midway welcome and laughs at
guests in ride. Also appears on the "Tooth Chipper"
poster
Otto: waiting in line in "Cotton Candy" segment in queue
video, waiting in line in "Moe Scalping Beer"
segment in queue video, and in school bus in ride
Patty and
Selma: Selma seen in archive footage in queue video and
they run lost and found booth in midway. Also on
poster for "The Isotop-ettes Musical Spectacular"
and the information booth has a brochure for
Patty & Selma's museum of vacation photos
Pimply Faced
Teen: shows Apu spoiled ice cream in Apu's concession
stand in midway, stops Grampa from riding in
pre-boarding video, appears on monitor above ride
vehicle telling guests not to worry, and is nearly
run over by ride vehicle in ride while selling
popcorn
Principal
Skinner: Skinner faces appear on milk bottles in Willie's
midway booth
Professor
Frink: seen in archive footage in queue video, featured in
"Back to the Future" segment in queue video, warns
Krusty of radiation in pre-boarding video, and saves
guests in ride
Radioactive
Man: on poster for "Radioactive Man: the Ride," the
same ride can be seen on the Krustyland map and is
mentioned as not operating at the information booth.
Rainer
Wolfcastle: on poster for "Krusty's Wet and Smoky Stunt Show"
Ralph Wiggum: is centrally featured in "Dream of the Big Theme
Park Money" and "Lisa's Boyfriend" segments in the
queue video and is carried away by a vulture in
ride. Also appears on the "Screamatorium of Dr.
Frankmarestein" poster and the Krustyland Quotes"
seen in the funhouse has a Ralph quote
Rev. Lovejoy: walking in background with Jessica in "Wiggum's
Warning" segment in queue video and watching
Krusty's midway welcome
Rich Texan: watching Krusty's midway welcome
Santa's Little
Helper: on poster for "Madame Manjula's The Future
Looker-After!"
Sarcastic Man: delivers gross food items to Apu's concession stand
in midway
Sea Captain: seen in archive footage in queue video and on poster
for "The Sea Captain's Queasy Time Lagoon Adventure"
The attraction also appears on the Krustyland map
and the information booth has a brochure for "Sea
Captain's Seafood Shack"
Sherri and
Terri: waiting in line in "Are We There Yet?" segment in
queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome.
Also appear on the "Radioactive Man: The Ride"
poster
Sideshow Mel: Sideshow Mel figure seen in Krusty's office in
queue video, Sideshow Mel statue seen in "Back to
the Future" segment in queue video. Also appears on
a poster for "Sideshow Mel and Mr. Teeny's Musical
Revue" and "The Sideshow Mel Experience" is
mentioned as not operating at the information booth.
Smithers: in hot air balloon in ride. Also appears on the
"Madame Manjula" poster
Snake: complains about his treatment in Apu's concession
stand in midway
Snowball II: Not seen in ride but her picture appears in the
Kwik-E-Mart giftshop. Also the Simpsons costumed
characters RV has her cat carrier on top
Troy McClure: seen in archive footage in queue video
Minor and one-shot characters seen in ride
Big Nosed
Punching Man*: walking in background in "Wiggum's Warning" segment
in queue video and watching Krusty's midway welcome
Blinky: Not seen but one of the area attractions coupons
at the information booth mentions three-eyed fish.
Also appears in a bowl on top of the Simpsons
costumed characters RV
Captain Lance
Murdoch: seen in archive footage in queue video
Jessica
Lovejoy: walking in background with her dad in "Wiggum's
Warning" segment in queue video and watching
Krusty's midway welcome
Julio: (the roommate in "Three Gays of the Condo") watching
Krusty's midway welcome
blonde kid
with glasses: (from Bart's class) waiting in line in "Cotton
Candy" segment in queue video
Larry: (the barfly) watching Krusty's midway welcome
Lurleen
Lumpkin: waiting in line in "Lisa's Boyfriend" segment in
queue video. Also on poster for "The Isotop-ettes
Musical Spectacular"
Miss Allbright: (Sunday school teacher) waiting in line in "Are We
There Yet?" segment in queue video and watching
Krusty's midway welcome
One-Eyebrowed
Baby: Not seen in ride but his picture appears in the
Kwik-E-Mart giftshop on a bag of diapers
Princess
Kashmir: on poster for "The Isotop-ettes Musical Spectacular"
Poochie: Not seen but mentioned on Krustyland Map for
Poochie's Half-Pipe attraction and Poochie's Toddler
Kennel listed on the rides not operating at Hans
Moleman's information booth
Rabbi
Krustofski: Seen in picture in the pre-boarding room
Scratchy's
Wife: escorts Scratchy in ride vehicle in pre-boarding
video
* guy who punched Homer for trying to sell him love tonic in
"Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy", told a diapered Barney that he made
him sick in "Mr. Plow", punched a hippie in "Bart of Darkness",
would not buy a wishbone necklace from Marge in "Homer's Barbershop
Quartet", told a pimply faced teen not to touch him in "Homer Alone"
Notable characters not from The Simpsons TV show
Additional Cletus's Kids
Additional generic Happy Little Elves
Doc Brown
Repo man
Mr. Freidman
Pants-Off Johnson
Adam, Eve, and, serpent
black hole of Calcutta prisoners
Civil War soldiers
Jimmy Swearwords
Willie's cow and chicken
Hamster
Krusty Krewmember dogs (similar looking dogs have appeared in
Itchy and Scratchy cartoons on show)
Panda
Captain Dinosaur and other dinosaurs
octopus (on Sea Captain's poster)
lady in an army bikini (on stunt show poster)
Whale
Giant Devil
Notable characters not seen in ride
Duffman
Agnes Skinner
Superintendent Chalmers
Lionel Hutz
Lindsay Naegle
Gil
Luanne Van Houten
Uter
Lunchlady Doris
Crazy Old Man
Crazy Cat Lady
Maude Flanders
Bleeding Gums Murphy
The Octuplets
Ling
Jub Jub
Grandma Bouvier
Blue Haired Lawyer
Mr. Largo
Drederick Tatum
Sarah Wiggum
Judge Snyder
Bill and Marty
Legs and Louie
Herman
Luigi
Wendell
Nelson's parents
Yes Guy
This list can go on, but it's clear that the creators of the ride
took great care into putting so many characters in the ride,
including some very obscure ones like Kent Brockman's daughter and
the big nosed punching man.
Previous episode references
[7G12] Krusty mentions how Sideshow Bob tried to frame him for
robbery and was foiled by the Simpsons in his midway
welcome video
[7F01] An area attraction coupon for the Sea Captain's snack shack
advertises three-eyed fish
[7F16] "Are we there yet?" from this episode
[7F18] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[8F04] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[8F05] A photo of young Krusty as he appeared in this episode can
be seen in the pre-flight boarding room
[8F19] Lurleen Lumpkin appears on the poster for "The Isotop-ettes
Musical Spectacular" and in the queue video
[9F01] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[9F03] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[9F06] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[9F07] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[9F11] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[9F20] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[1F06] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[2F01] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[2F01] Itchy and Scratchy Land is seen on the Map of Krustyland
[2F04] Jessica Lovejoy appears in the queue video and in Krusty's
midway welcome video
[2F31] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[2F32] In a press conference defending his name, Krusty insists
that tourists in his park were decapitated before they
entered the Krustyland House of Knives. This has been the
only mention of Krustyland ever in the Simpsons TV show,
yet it also comes up in other mediums such as comic books
and video games
[3F03] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[3F12] 100 Tacos for $100 is advertised at Apu's concession
stand
[4F12] Poochie is mentioned on the Krustyland Map for "Poochie's
Half-Pipe" attraction and "Poochie's Toddler Kennel" is
listed on the rides not operating at Hans Moleman's
information booth
[4F18] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[5F08] Many of the fictional rides and games advertised come
directly from the carnival attractions in this episode
[5F10] Clip from episode shown in queue video
[5F10] A photo of Krusty as he appeared in this episode can be
seen in the pre-flight boarding room
[BABF01] Comic Book Guy is dressed as "The Collector" on the poster
for the "Yard Work Simulator"
[EABF12] Homer's roommate Julio from this episode can be seen
watching Krusty in the midway welcome video
[JABF09] Several of Cletus's children from this episode appear in
the queue video
[JABF19] "It's a Long, Long, Line!" seen on the Krustyland Map and
"The Tilt 'n' Spew" seen on both the Krustyland Map and in
the queue video. Both of these attractions can be seen in
the background at the amusement park in this episode
Outside of ride building
Carnival booths surrounding the queue (next to giant Krusty head)
* Pie in your Eye "Warning--pies may contain poison"
"I heartily endorse this event or product"- Krusty the Clown
* Ring Toss "Small rings, giant bottles It's Impossible" "Everyone's
a winner except people who play this game!" "Toss it!"
* Shoot Out the Star [on a sign shaped like a downward arrow] "Why
are you looking down here? There's nothing to see!" "Give it a
shot. Then go away!"
* "Win!" Wheel of Chance "Win!" "Voted booth of the year by the
shameless shill society"
* Hit It! "Win a smelly toy" "Fun for kids! Not so fun for adults"
* Knock Over the Fuzzy Guy [Picture of a little troll like guy who
looks like Groundskeeper Willie] [on a t-shirt shaped sign] "Want
your face on a t-shirt? Go somewhere else!"
* Bull's Eye "No bulls were harmed in the construction of this
booth." "You can't do it!: Don't even try!"
* Strike 3 "The nailed to the table milk bottle game" "No finer way
to waste three minutes!
Flags in front of ride: Krusty, Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa, Grampa,
Maggie, and Sideshow Bob
The welcome sign seen as you enter the Krusty head reads "Welcome
to Krusty-Land: The Krustiest Place on Earth"
The giant Krusty head has a uvula- a punching bag.
Itchy and Scratchy are on the height measurement signs. Maggie is on
the signs for stroller parking and child swap areas, and Chief
Wiggum is on the exit only signs.
Queue Video
Show clips and original material in chronological order:
Disclaimer (Woman's voice)
1. "Suggestion Box"
[9F20] Marge in Chains
2. "Repossessed Nose"
[9F11] Selma's Choice
3. "Park Visionaries"
[9F01] Homer the Heretic
4. "Dream of the Big Theme Park Money"
[7F18] Brush with Greatness
5. "Back to the Future"
[1F06] Boy-Scoutz N the Hood
[9F03] Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie
6. "So Many Great Rides"
[3F03] Lisa the Vegetarian
Disclaimer (Man's voice)
7. "Grampa's Interview"
[5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust
[9F07] Mr. Plow
[5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust
8. "Are We There Yet?"
[4F18] In Marge We Trust
[9F06] New Kid on the Block
[8F04] Homer Defined
9. "Cotton Candy"
[9F11] Selma's Choice
10. "Lisa's Boyfriend"
[2F31] A Star Is Burns
11. "Wiggum's Warning"
[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land
12. "Moe Scalping Beer"
[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land
13. "Cletus's Tips"
The clip titles are not official titles and are only used to
identify them for this capsule
Original Queue Video Clips
Disclaimer
Welcome to Krustyland. Please be aware that the ride you're about to
board is a motion simulator and may be too intense for some guests.
You will experience sudden unexpected motions including rapid
accelerations, sharp turns, steep dives and climbs, and sudden
stops. We advise you not to ride this attraction if you are an
expectant mother, have heart, neck or back conditions, abnormal
blood pressure, medical sensitivity to fog or strobe effects, recent
surgeries, claustrophobia, are prone to dizziness or motion
sickness, or have any other conditions that may be aggravated by
this experience. Guests must be at least forty inches tall to ride.
If your child is not forty inches in height we offer a child swap
area. To reduce your wait time kindly keep up with the party ahead
of you. Also please remember there is no smoking in any area of the
attraction. Please direct any of your questions to one of our
Krusty Krewmembers. Thank you for your cooperation and enjoy.
1. "Suggestion Box" (0:30)
A curtain with Krusty's face on it opens to reveal Krusty sitting at
his desk in his office
Krusty: Hey hey theme park ride lovers, excited children, dragged
along parents, and foreign tourists who have no idea what
I'm saying. Welcome to Krusty's all new thrill-tacular,
upsy-downsy, spins-aroundsy, teen operated thrill ride. [a
large banner for the ride falls down from the ceiling
behind him] You're gonna love it. [he walks to his front
door] And if you don't, write your suggestion on a twenty
dollar bill and drop it in this box. [drops money into box]
If you've got a really good idea, put it on a fifty. Hahaha.
Items in office: (on shelf) Krusty mug, Sideshow Mel in a cannon
figure, lunchbox, Krusty toothbrush, jack-in the
box
Hanging on wall: Gold record, advertisement for Krusty show, Krusty
clock, Itchy and Scratchy picture
2. "Repossessed Nose" (0:50)
In Krusty's office
Krusty: This ride is so great it'll make other rides look like
you're just sitting down. It'll make just sitting down
seem like you're sitting in one of those really lousy
chairs where one leg's shorter than all the other legs.
You know the kind. Anyway, I really hope you like this
ride. I am so in hock right now a repo-man is coming to
repossess my clown nose.
A man wearing a Repo Depot shirt enters
Repo Man: Alright, sir. I don't like this anymore than you do. Gimme
the nose. [Krusty resists] Come on, gimme the nose. Gimme
the nose.
Krusty: G'oh! The only guy who messes with my nose is Dr. Herbert
Shapiro. There's no part of me he hasn't tucked,
tightened, or just sliced right off. Why are you still
here? Are you looking for a tip?
Repo Man: I'm afraid I need your hair extension too. [rips out
Krusty's hair]
Krusty: (grunts) Why do I bet on high school lacrosse? Why?
3. "Park Visionaries" (0:35)
Outside the park
Krusty: Since the dawn of time there have been theme parks. The
Garden of Eden [clip of Adam and Eve], the black hole of
Calcutta [clip of a crowded jail cell], the Civil War.
[clip of a union soldier bayoneting a southern soldier] But
my park has something none of the others do. [Walks into a
studio] My team of artists and visionaries. I hired all the
best people... who were fired from other companies for
inappropriate behavior. Like Jimmy Swearwords and Pants-Off
Johnson.
Johnson is sitting behind his desk with his pants off.
Johnson: Krusty, let me show you what I've been working on. I'm very
excited. [Begins to stand up]
Krusty: No, no! Don't get up Johnson. Hahaha. [walks back outside
and closes the door] Ugh, I hate casual Fridays.
Attractions in background: Ferris wheel, circus tents, giant Krusty
head
4. "Dream of the Big Theme Park Money" (0:56)
Krusty stands in front of a carousel
Krusty: Ever since I was a young clown I had a dream, a dream of
making the big theme park money, but it isn't just about the
money. It's also about the children. To me, kids are like
little balls of perfection, that just...
Ralph walks into the frame eating an ice cream cone and drops it
Ralph: (cries) I dropped my manilla ice cream.
Krusty: You stupid kid! Those shoes cost more than you'll ever make
in your life. Get over here! [he chases Ralph as the
carousel starts to turn in the other direction] I'm gonna
tear off your head and feed it to your neck. [steps off
carousel and faces camera] So anyway, I may live in a house
way bigger than yours and I may drive a car that runs on
champagne, but you folks are going to have to buy a lot more
merchandise if I'm going to be able to afford another sport
coat made of Abe Lincoln's private diaries. [walks over to
coat stand and puts on coat] I didn't even read them!
Hahaha! Huh? Lincoln was President? I didn't know that. [he
tears off a piece of the coat and wipes his mouth]
Attractions in background: Matterhorn-like roller coaster. Also the
wrecking ball can be seen.
5. "Back to the Future" (1:17)
Professor Frink walks up to the giant Krusty head at the park
entrance
Frink: Ah, for glaven out loud! What has become of the institute
of future technology? Ah, I came here to pay a surprise
visit on my old friend and colleague Doc Brown [looks at a
picture of Doc standing in front of institute] and his lab
has been replaced with a clownish theme park! Well there's
only one way to find out. I must go back to the future.
Uh, I mean the past, the past.
Frink gets in the "Back to the Future" DeLorean and goes back in
time to "two years earlier." Outside the institute of future
technology a loan officer gives Doc Brown a document to sign.
Friedman: Well Dr. Brown, with this small business loan you should
be able to keep the institute open for years to come.
Doc: Oh thank you Mr. Friedman, thank you!
Before Doc can sign Professor Frink in the DeLorean appears and hits
Mr. Friedman.
Doc: Great Scott!
Frink: [coming out of car] What? What happened? Did I get here
in time?
Doc: No you idiot! You ruined everything. Now I'll have to sell
the institute of future technology to that mercenary
clown!
Krusty: [overhearing] Mercenary clown? That's me! [he puts a
Krustyland sign over the IFT sign] (laughs)
Doc lowers his head dejectedly
Frink: Aww! By trying to change the past I have actually caused
it to happen.
Doc: [opening a limousine door for Krusty] So what can I do for
ya boss?
Krusty: You can tear tickets at the front gate, if you get a
haircut.
Doc: Fine by me, it takes me three hours every morning just to
get it like this.
Attractions in background: Sideshow Mel in a cannon statue, Mr.
Teeny statue, Itchy and Scratchy statues,
skyway, circus tents
6. "So Many Great Rides" (0:31)
In Krusty's office
Krusty: There are so many great rides here at Krustyland. If you
like pirates and dinosaurs you're gonna love Captain
Dinosaur's Pirate Rip-Off. [shows poster of Moe and Barney
cowering from Dinosaur] Or come to Brine World, where you're
the pickle! For those of you who like the latest music we've
got the 1950's Doo-Wop Revue! starring distant cousins of
the original Platters. Finally, the delightful man who looks
just like Charlie Chaplin and comes up to take your picture
does not work for this park. Please do not encourage him.
7. "Grampa's Interview" (0:38)
The Simpsons stand in a line and Krusty approaches Grampa with a
microphone
Krusty: Hey there, old timer. Would you say Krustyland is fun for
everyone from 8 to 80?
Grampa: I sure would, but I'm 81. So I'm miserable.
Marge: Uh oh. Please, don't let him say "Back in my day..."
Grampa: [takes microphone] Back in my day...
Marge: Here we go...
Grampa: We called amusement parks Professor Funnywumpum's Old-Time
Emporiums. And they were only in Chicago. Had Ferris Wheels
invented by Thomas Edison and burned down when we was done
with them! And, of course we were allowed to hate all kinds
of people back then! Especially the...
Krusty: Cut! Cut!
Waiting in line: Lisa, Marge with Maggie in a baby carrier, Grampa,
Helen Lovejoy
People in background: Jimbo, Dolph, Kearney
Attractions in background: Roller coaster
8. "Are We There Yet?" (0:21)
The Simpsons stand in the middle of a crowded queue
Bart & Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No.
Bart & Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Bart & Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Bart & Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Yes! We're here! This is it! This is what we've been
waiting for! To be standing right here in the middle of
the line!
Bart: Oh, I guess it's pretty good.
Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Waiting in line: Comic Book Guy, older Hibbert son, Bernice Hibbert,
Hibbert daughter, younger Hibbert son, Dr. Hibbert,
Miss Allbright (Sunday school teacher), Grampa,
Bart, Lisa, Homer, Marge holding Maggie, Kirk
Van Houten, Milhouse, Janey, Sherri, Terri, Lenny
9. "Cotton Candy" (0:36)
Homer approaches the rest of the family with cotton candy as they
wait in line outside a mountain with spiraling train tracks.
Bart: Woah Dad, what is that?
Homer: This is deep fried cotton candy, dipped in caramel, then
re-cotton candied, fried again, and then fried again, again.
Bart: They sell that?
Homer: Uh, well I gave the guy ten bucks to let me go nuts with his
machines. And now to taste it.
Bart pushes it down Homer's throat and Bart laughs. Homer gets
Marge's attention
Marge: Oh, my. Homey do you need the Heimlich maneuver?
Homer: (gagging) No, push the rest of it in. [she pushes it in and
he swallows] Sometimes I disgust myself. This is not one of
those times.
Waiting in line: Marge with Maggie in a baby carrier, Grampa, Lisa,
Bart, Miss Hoover, Otto, kid with blonde hair and
glasses from Bart's class
Attractions in background: Roller coaster, pirate ship, ice cream
shop, souvenir shop
10. "Lisa's Boyfriend" (0:28)
Homer, Bart and Lisa stand outside a line to a concession stand and
Ralph approaches Lisa with a red Krusty balloon
Ralph: I love you Lisa. Your head is pointy like the sun.
Bart: Hahaha. Hey, Lis, It's your boyfriend.
Lisa: Dad, Bart said someone was my boyfriend when they weren't my
boyfriend and then laughed about it.
Bart: Dad, Lisa told on me to you.
Homer: Well, I guess the fair thing to do is... [ties strings of
Ralph's balloon to Ralph and Bart] There. Now you're Bart's
boyfriend.
Ralph: Hooray!
Bart: Owww.
Lisa: Hahaha.
Waiting in line: Comic Book Guy, Miss Hoover, Kent Brockman
(looking at a map), Lurleen Lumpkin
Attractions in background: Roller coaster, Tilt n' Spew, parachute
drop
11. "Wiggum's Warning" (0:41)
Chief Wiggum address the camera in the park
Wiggum: Hi everybody! Police Chief Wiggum here to talk to you about
Krustyland park safety. Very important. Now keep your eyes
open. Because danger could be lurking where you least expect
it. [Martin walks by with an ice cream cone] Like right
there. Keep it moving, wise guy. And lose the attitude!
Don't enter any restricted areas. If you must throw-up do it
in your hat. And above all beware of this man. [shows Bob's
mug shot] Escaped convict Sideshow Bob. [Eddie and Lou walk
into frame] If you see him call the police immediately at
119. No... it's, uh, 991. No... it's 111. No, it's 999. It's
787.
Lou: It's 911, Chief.
Wiggum: No, that can't be it.
People in background: Cletus, Brandine, Jessica Lovejoy, Rev.
Lovejoy, Big nosed punching man, Lenny
Attractions in background: Roller coaster, Tilt n' Spew
12. "Moe Scalping Beer" (0:26)
The Simpsons wait in line and Moe approaches Homer
Moe: Hey, Homer. That line sure looks hot. Care for a little
refreshment while you wait? Huh? [opens his shirt and has
beer bottles taped to his chest]
Homer: Moe, you beautiful, beautiful, man.
Moe: Only two-hundred dollars a bottle.
Homer: You price gouging vulture! I'll never...
Moe: Alright. For you, a thousand dollars a six-pack.
Homer: That's much more reasonable. I'll take four six-packs.
[writes a check and hands it to Moe]
Moe: Hahaha, sucker. [Homer starts to resist handing it to him
but does so] I mean, uh, friend.
Waiting in line: Marge with Maggie in a baby carrier, Lisa, Bart,
Grampa, Homer, Otto
People in background: Ned (taking a picture of Rod and Todd with a
costumed Scratchy), Miss Hoover
Attractions in background: Skyway, giant Krusty head, Itchy and
Scratchy flags
13. "Cletus's Tips" (0:45)
Outside the park Cletus address the camera
Cletus: Hi, everybody. I'm Cletus Spuckler. I'm here to give you
tips on theme park enjoyment for the economically
disadvantaged such as me and my kin. [walks over to family]
Theme park food's awful expensive, isn't it folks? Well I
try to sneak in my own eats. Ha. I keep sodie cans in my
pockets, [tosses them to kids] I wore a necklace made of
licorice, [gives pieces to kids] and our Dr. Scholls are
actually Oscar Meyer. [takes meat out of shoes and feeds it
to kid] And finally, we carve an extra yongin' out of
hamburger meat. [pulls out hamburger meat kid and takes a
bite] You know what Kevin? You delicious. Have a real nice
day at Krustyland y'all.
All: Bye, so long!
Attractions in background: stagecoach, Matterhorn-like roller
coaster, Line to Nowhere, wooden doorway
with a cattle skull on it
Cletus's kin: (most everyone is barefoot or only has one shoe)
Brandine, baby in a foam dome helmet (being held by
Brandine), toddler in a diaper, Whitney (girl with
Pippi Longstockings hair), Birthday (boy in a potatoes
sack), boy in a coon skin cap, International Harvester
(boy in a cowboy hat), baby in a diaper, girl in a
dress, blue-haired kid with a banjo, Crystal Meth
(girl with a pony tail poking upward), Dubya (kid with
an eye patch), Incest (buck-toothed boy in a cowboy
hat), girl in a dress, boy in long johns and a head
band, and Jitney (girl in overalls and a straw hat
with a piece of straw in her mouth)
Queue Video Show Clips
% Alterations and cuts from the original airings noted like this
With the monitors being wide screen all of the show clips are
framed in a cartoon TV and have an icon of Krusty in the bottom
corner of the screen reading "Favorite Moments."
Disclaimer (Woman's voice) (1:00)
1. "Suggestion Box" (0:30)
[9F20] Marge in Chains (1:38)
% original credits not seen
The beginning of "I Can't Believe They Invented It!"
Narrator: Products you could only imagine before- The SS Microwave.
Man: [in a pool] Ah, my crepes are done.
Narrator: The doggy doorman!
A small robot doorman stands next to a dog door.
Doorman: Good evening, Rex.
Narrator: And mobiller, the chandelier for your car!
A man tries to drive with a chandelier in his car and crashes into a
wall.
Narrator: All on "I Can't Believe They Invented It!"
Troy: [standing in audience] Hello, everybody, I'm Troy McLure,
star of such films as "P is for Psycho" and "The
President's Neck is Missing," but now I'm here to tell you
about a remarkable new invention. [he squeezes an orange
with his face] Until now, this was the only way to get
juice from an orange.
% Homer: [doing the same thing at home] You mean there's a better
% way? <0:04>
Troy: But that's all changed thanks to the Juice Loosener. Let's
meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
Dr. Nick: Hello Troy! Hi everybody!
Audience: Hi, Dr. Nick!
Dr. Nick: Troy, would you like a glass of orange juice?
Troy: I sure would, but wouldn't we have to pay those outrageous
grocery store prices for something the farmer probably
spit in?
Dr. Nick: Not anymore, all thanks to the new Juice Loosener!
Audience: (applause)
He puts a bag of oranges into the machine. It's very loud.
Troy: [shouting over noise] Doctor, are you sure it's on? I
can't hear a thing?
Dr. Nick: [shouting over noise] It's whisper quiet!
A drop of orange juice comes out.
Troy: You got all that from one bag of oranges?
Dr. Nick: That's right! Order now and you'll also get Sun n' Run,
the sun tan lotion that's also a laxative!
Troy puts on the lotion and then urgently runs offstage.
2. "Repossessed Nose" (0:50)
[9F11] Selma's Choice (1:37)
Bart, Lisa, and Selma ride "The Little Land of Duff"
Robot Kids: [singing] Duff Beer for me, Duff Beer for you. I'll have
a Duff, you'll have one too. (repeating)
Bart: I want to get off!
Selma: You can't get off! We have five more continents to
visit.
Bart: Hey Lisa, I dare you to drink the water.
Lisa: [looks at murky water] I'm not sure that is water.
Bart: Chicken, [imitates a chicken]
Lisa: Aww quit it Bart. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it!
Selma: Bart be quiet! Lisa drink the water!
She does so and starts to space out.
Robot Kids: [singing] Duff Beer for me, Duff Beer for you. I'll have
a Duff, you'll have one too. (repeating)
Lisa: They're all around me! No way out! (laughs) No way out I
tell you!
Selma: [looking like a monster] What's wrong? You just put your
head right here.
Selma's shoulder starts growling. Lisa screams and starts swinging
an oar at Bart and Selma.
% Meanwhile back at the house, Marge and Homer watch "The Erotic
% Adventures of Hercules"
%
% Woman: [in movie] Hercules, the cyclops tore off my clothes.
% Troy: [in movie] (laughs)
%
% Marge and Homer laugh <0:08>
Back at the park the kids escape from the ride with Lisa still
spaced out. Selma follows.
Selma: Bart?! Lisa?!
Lisa runs in front of the park's electric light parade and continues
to hallucinate.
Lisa: Ahhhh, I can see the music.
[9F11] Selma's Choice (0:36)
% There is static between this and the previous clip as if they
% were from different parts of the show yet they were originally
% back to back.
A roller coaster operator checks to see if Bart is tall enough.
Bart: Mitch, you're doing a bang up job.
Mitch: Thank you sir.
Bart: (laughs)
He was standing on two candy apples. In the roller coaster car the
bar goes behind Bart's back.
Bart: Woah, that isn't good.
The ride takes off with Bart dangling from the bar.
Bart: (screams) Stop the ride!
Mitch: I'll have to ask my supervisor.
Supervisor: Better stop it.
Later, Bart is hanging from car at top of the loop. Selma pleads
with Surly Duff.
Selma: Can't you do something?
Surly: Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy- Surly.
Selma: Sorry Surly.
Surly: Shut up.
3. "Park Visionaries" (0:35)
[9F01] Homer the Heretic (0:37)
Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "Flay Me to the Moon"
Scratchy reads in the newspaper of a moon launch today. Itchy takes
Scratchy's tongue and ties it to a rocket. The rocket takes off,
wraps around the moon and the moon is pulled to the earth crushing
Scratchy. Scratchy screams and a bunch of mice watch from a control
room and cheer.
4. "Dream of the Big Theme Park Money" (0:56)
[7F18] Brush with Greatness (1:18)
% original credits not seen
The start of Krusty's show at Mt. Splashmore
Narrator: Live from Mt. Splashmore, the tri-county area's funnest
water recreation facility, it's the Krusty the Clown Show!
Krusty: Hey, kids!
Audience: Yay!
Krusty: (laughs) You know, today's the last day of our special
week on location at fabulous Mt. Splashmore. And I just
want to say the people here have been super to me and
Sideshow Mel. [Mel honks horn] The food, the grog, oh they
threw us brunch yesterday with fresh fruit and the most
delicious melon. Oooh, we at till we plotzed. And of
course the thing I'm going to miss most is those special,
special Mt. Splashmore waterslides, God bless em. So much
fun, so many memories, give me a minute.
Bart: [watching at home] It has been a great week hasn't it Lis?
Krusty: I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack
this place. Just to show em' how grateful I am. I told
them you would. Don't make me a liar! (laughs) Ok kids,
it's time to...
Audience: Kroon along with Krusty! (cheers)
All: [singing] I wanna go to Mt. Splashmore. Take me, take me,
take me, take me now! Now, now, now, now, now! Mt.
Splashmore take me there right now! (cheers)
Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
Lisa: Me too.
5. "Back to the Future" (1:17)
[1F06] Boy-Scoutz N the Hood (0:31)
Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "Aaahhh! Wilderness!"
Itchy and Scratchy sit by a campfire in the woods as it begins to
rain. Itchy hammers Scratchy's paws into the ground and pitches him
like a tent. Lightning strikes Scratchy.
Scratchy: (screams)
Lisa: [watching at home] (laughs)
Bart: The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy
should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taughtline hitch
not a sheetbin.
Lisa: Oh Bart, cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.
As Homer is on the couch another Homer walks past the window.
[9F03] Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie (0:33)
Beginning of the movie
Itchy ties Scratchy to the railroad tracks. He tries to board a
train engine but the conductor keeps kicking him out. He then goes
to school, graduates, and takes a job as conductor. He runs over
Scratchy as he is about to finish unting himself. Scratchy
screams.
6. "So Many Great Rides" (0:31)
[3F03] Lisa the Vegetarian (0:50)
% original credits not seen
%
% There is static between each clip from this episode as if they
% were from different parts of the show yet they were originally
% all back to back.
At Storytown Village the Simpsons watch an animatronic Three Little
Pigs show.
Wolf: Come out, come out, or I'll blow your house in.
Pigs: Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.
Bart: What a load of crappy crap crap.
Homer: Quiet boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go
down.
Marge: This is where the wolf blows down the pig's house.
Bart: He blows alright, he blows big-time.
Marge: That's it honey! Get into the spirit.
The wolf blows on the house and it moves slightly. Maggie claps.
Homer: Eh that was good, but not great.
They then watch an animatronic Three Bears show.
Father: Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
Mother: (audio feedback)
Baby: Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
Grampa: [in bed] Well I'm sorry but it was 150 degrees in the car.
[3F03] Lisa the Vegetarian (0:26)
Bart limbos underneath the height measuring elf as he is too tall
to ride the kiddie train. He hops onto the front car.
Bart: So long suc...
He crashes into a tunnel he's to big to fit in. It causes a Paul
Bunyan figure to tip over which decapitates a goose with his ax. The
children on the train cheer.
[3F03] Lisa the Vegetarian (0:39)
At the petting zoo, Homer talks to a goat
Homer: Come on, eat the can! Come on!
Marge: You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over
there.
They get some pellets from the machine which pours onto Maggie. The
animals swarm her and she seems to have disappeared.
Marge: Oh my.
She falls out of the scruff of a llama. The family then looks at
some sheep.
All: Aww! [they see a cuter sheep] Aww! [they see a cuter sheep]
Aww! [they see a cuter sheep]
The second sheep walks in front of the third sheep.
Homer: [pushing the sheep out of the way] Out of the way you! Aww.
Disclaimer (Man's voice) (1:00)
7. "Grampa's Interview" (0:38)
[5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust (0:47)
Outside of Moe's, Krusty shows Bart his new SUV.
Krusty: It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.
Come on, I'll give you a ride home.
Bart: Wow, this is roomy.
Cut to a commercial of the Canyonero driving through the desert.
Hank Williams Jr. sings the theme.
Hank: Can you name the truck with four-wheel-drive? Smells like
a steak and seats thirty-five! Canyonero! Canyonero! Well,
it goes real slow with the hammer down. It's a
country-fried truck endorsed by a clown. Canyonero!
Canyonero!
Krusty: Hey, hey!
Narrator: The Federal Highway Commission has ruled the Canyonero
unsafe for highway or city driving.
Hank: Canyonero!
[9F07] Mr. Plow (0:21)
cartoon static
The Sea Captain does a commercial
Sea Captain: Arr, 90 sea shanties on 3 compact discs.
A couple sits by the fireplace enjoying the music.
Sea Captain: Blow the man down, maties, Blow the man down. Row, row,
row your boat. In the Navy. Come on and join your
fellow man. Act now and get a bonus CD, Hornpipe Fever,
arrr.
% recycled cartoon static
[5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust (0:39)
The Canyonero commercial continues.
Hank: Twelve yards long and two lanes wide, sixty-five tons of
American pride! Canyonero! Canyonero! Top of the line in
utility sports! Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts.
Canyonero! Canyonero! She blinds everybody with her super-high
beams. She a squirrel-squishin', deer-smackin' drivin'
machine! Canyonero! Canyonero! Yah Canyonero, yah!
8. "Are We There Yet?" (0:21)
[4F18] In Marge We Trust (1:24)
An overweight Japanese man relaxes in a bathtub. He notices he is on
camera.
Man: Oh hello American investor. I see you are interested in
distributing Mr. Sparkle in your home prefecture. You
have chosen wisely. But please, don't believe me.
Observe this commercial.
The Commercial is in Japanese but is subtitled. A woman prepares to
use a dishwasher with Mr. Sparkle detergent. She blows a whistle and
Mr. Sparkle's disembodied head comes off the box.
Mr. Sparkle: I'm disrespectful to dirt! Can you see that I am
serious?
He cleans the dishes to the woman's delight. He goes into the other
room and plays the xylophone with a giggly baby. He is then what
appears to be underwater with three women dancing.
Mr. Sparkle: Get out of my way, all of you. This is no place for
loafers. Join me or die. Can you do any less?
Women: What a brave corporate logo! I accept the challenge of
"Mr. Sparkle."
Woman: Awesome a-power!
A graphic of a monkey playing a drum appears on screen and Mr.
Sparkle blows on the three women turning them into sumo wrestlers.
They happily giggle. Mr. Sparkle interrupts a reporter interviewing
a two-headed cow.
Reporter: Any plans for summer?
The cow sees Mr. Sparkle and gets frightened and breaks as if made
of glass.
Mr. Sparkle: [to camera] For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle.
[9F06] New Kid on the Block (0:19)
% there is a recycled shot of cartoon static from the beginning of
% the Sea Captain's commercial in 9F07.
%
% In the original version, as the Sea Captain begins talking the
% camera is on Homer. Here the animation of the Sea Captain is
% stretched out a little more as he starts with "Ahoy Mateys."
The Sea Captain does another commercial.
Sea Captain: Ahoy mateys. Have your fill of tacos? Would you sooner
eat a bilge rat that another burger?
Homer: [watching at home] (gasps)
Sea Captain: Then come for all you can eat seafood at the Frying
Dutchman.
% Homer drools <0:02>
Sea Captain: [to restaurant patrons] Is it more iced tea ye be
needing?
Woman: Ok.
Sea Captain: (laughs) Set sail for the Frying Dutchman.
% recycled cartoon static
[8F04] Homer Defined (0:21)
Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "My Dinner With Itchy"
Itchy and Scratchy have dinner in a fancy restaurant. Itchy pours
Scratchy a glass of wine. They toast and Itchy drinks it burning
his insides. Itchy reveals the wine was really acid. He throws his
acid in Scratchy's face who runs out of the restaurant and gets hit
by a cable car.
9. "Cotton Candy" (0:36)
[9F11] Selma's Choice (0:20)
The second Duff Gardens commercial from the episode
Troy: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem
anymore. Now featuring the clean shaven sounds of "Horary for
Everything."
HFE: Hey kids! Take a walk on the wild side. And all the races sing
doop, doop, doop... yeah!
[9F11] Selma's Choice (0:56)
% original credits not seen
The first Duff Gardens commercial from the episode. Lance Murdoch
jumps over blazing school busses on a motorcycle but crashes.
Troy: Hey Lance Murdoch you just jumped 16 blazing school
busses. What are you going to do now?
Lance: I'm going to Duff Gardens.
In a body cast Lance goes on a roller coaster.
Troy: Duff Gardens, home of the whiplash
Narrator: To be completed in 1994.
He falls from the top of the unfinished roller coaster.
% At home, Bart, Lisa, and Homer go, "Wow!" <0:03>
Troy: And the washing machine.
Lance is shaken back and forth in the ride.
Troy: See the happiest fish in the world at the fabulous
beer-quarium.
In a giant mug of beer fish moan and burp.
10. "Lisa's Boyfriend" (0:28)
[2F31] A Star Is Burns (0:25)
Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "Four Funerals And A Wedding"
Scratchy gets married to a lady made of dynamite. They go through
life and in old age the lady explodes killing Scratchy. An elderly
Itchy comes to laugh at Scratchy and then dies himself.
11. "Wiggum's Warning" (0:41)
[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land (0:20)
Bart and Lisa check out a gift shop.
Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! Cool...personalized
plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on.
"Bort"?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
% In the episode there is about three minutes more of show between
% this clip and the next. Here it looks as if these two segments
% follow each other as there is no act-break static as with other
% clips.
[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land (0:41)
Cletus watches the robot parade.
Cletus: Hey Maw, I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter.
The flash causes the robot to malfunction.
Man: (laughs) Uh, no flash photography, please.
Meanwhile Bart and Lisa watch "The Roger Meyers Story"
Narrator: Roger Meyers' next full-length feature was the wildly
successful "Pin-Itchy-o".
Scratchy: [Italian accent] Now you be good Pin-Itchy-o, and don't
you lie.
Itchy: I promise I will never hurt you.
His nose grows and pokes Scratchy in the eye.
Scratchy: Ouch!
Lisa: I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize
us?
A Scratchy robot crashes through the screen and starts to
apparently bleed. Bart and Lisa don't seem to care.
Bart: Want to get a snow cone?
Lisa: OK.
12. "Moe Scalping Beer" (0:26)
[2F01] Itchy & Scratchy Land (4:59)
Bart and Lisa see a costumed Itchy.
Bart: So, Mr. Itchy, you think you're God's gift to women, do
you?
Lisa: Don't do it, Bart
Bart slingshots a stink bomb into Itchy's mouth.
Itchy: I just wanted to entertain!
Bart: (laughs) Can you believe I keep getting away with this...
officer?
Security guards take Bart away to the behind the scenes area in a
cart. They pass by some technicians.
Man 1: Mop and bucket man to the exit of the "Nauseator".
Man 2: We got another jumper on the roof of T. G. I.
McScratchy's.
Man 3: We need more "Bort" license plates in the gift shop. I
repeat, we are sold out of "Bort" license plates.
A repairman removes a robot face and the robot makes a noise.
Repairman: I really wish they wouldn't scream
They put Bart in a detention room and Homer is already there.
Bart: Dad?
Homer: Aw, I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the
butt.
Bart: Yeah. There's just no way to resist it, is there.
Meanwhile in a gift shop...
Marge: I want all five t-shirts to say "Best Vacation Ever".
Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: your son has been arrested.
Woman: I'd be terrible embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.
Marge: (groans)
Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: we've also arrested your older,
balder, fatter son.
Marge comes to get Bart and Homer.
Marge: Mmm... Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I
could just crawl into and die.
Officer: OK, throw her in the hole.
Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!
Meanwhile Professor Frink meets with the park repairmen...
Frink: You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells
us that all robots will eventually turn against their
masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and
the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and
shoving.
Repairman: How much time do we have, professor?
Frink: Well, according to my calculations, the robots won't go
berserk for at least 24 hours.
A robot springs to life and chokes two of the repairmen.
Frink: Oh, I forgot to, er, carry the one.
Back in the park, which is now closed...
Marge: I have nothing to say to you.
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw
you a diagram?
All the lights go out.
Marge: Oh, for gosh sakes, what now?
An army of robots comes around the corner. From the robot's
Terminator-like point of view he identifies the Simpsons as other
robots to be destroyed.
Homer: Hey look, this one's coming on to me. Yoo hoo! Mr. Robot!
% this was the third act break for the episode. The last act began
% with another shot of Homer from the robot's point of view for
% about three seconds. Here that's cut and goes to Lisa's line...
Lisa: Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be
your friend.
Homer: [as a robot is swinging an ax at him] Lisa! Don't
contradict your elders! [his hair is cut off] Aah! My
hair. You chopped off my hair! Oh God, I'm ugly.
Marge: I knew we should have gone to the bird sanctuary.
Meanwhile at the bird sanctuary, Hans Moleman talks on a pay phone.
Hans: I want the biggest seed bell you have. No that's too big.
Back at the park...
Bart: A chopper! We're saved!
Man: [in Itchy costume] Hey! You're the guys that didn't like
our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent
you.
The chopper takes off without them.
Marge: Oh, my. It looks like we're doomed.
Homer: Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me,
and maybe the boy!
Homer starts throwing things at the robots including a camera which
goes off and seems to disorient the robots.
Lisa: Dad! The flash must have scrambled their circuits.
Homer: What are you, the narrator?
Lisa: Aah! Just keep taking pictures!
Bart: I'll get more cameras! Smashy, smashy!
He smashes a camera shop window.
Marge: I don't approve of that...
Bart: [German accent] Hey mouse...say cheese. With a dry, cool
wit like that, I could be an action hero.
The robots lay motionless on the ground.
Homer: Die, bad robots, die! (laughs) With a dry, cool wit like
that, I could be an action hero.
Bart: [interrupting] Who would have thought that our visit to
Itchy and Scratchy Land would turn out to be our best
vacation ever?
Lisa: Yeah, best ever!
Marge: Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed... not to
mention all the embarrassment I suffered.
Lisa: But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation: it
brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good
exercise outdoors, and we have so many memories.
Marge: You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation
ever. Now let us never speak of it again.
13. "Cletus's Tips" (0:45)
Krustyland Attraction Posters in queue
*"Happy Little Elves in Panda Land"
[Doofy, Bubbles (buck toothed elf), Cheery (female elf) with panda
dangling from hanging tea cups]
*"Krusty's Balloon Parade"
[Cletus and Brandine dangling from Itchy and Scratchy balloons with
Itchy holding a pin]
*"Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip-Off"
[Barney and Moe in a boat cowering from a pirate dinosaur]
"A ride so old it should be extinct"
*"The Sea Captain's Queasy Time Lagoon Adventure"
[The Sea Captain fights an octopus away from the Flanders in a boat-
like car]
*"Sideshow Mel and Mr. Teeny's Musical Revue"
[Mel plays the piano while Mr. Teeny smokes a cigar with a cup of
cash]
*"Screamatorium of Dr. Frankmarestein"
[Cletus as a toilet paper mummy chases Milhouse and Ralph in a
haunted house type attraction]
*"The Isotop-ettes Musical Spectacular"
[Selma, Patty, Lurleen Lumpkin, Edna, and Princess Kashmir, dancing
in a kick-line]
"Daily in the Duff Pavilion"
*"Krusty's Wet and Smoky Stunt Show"
[McBain with lady in an army bikini on his arm while water skiing
with killer whales]
*"Tooth Chipper"
"The ride that strikes a nerve" [picture of a guy with broken teeth]
[Dolph, Kearney, Nelson, Jimbo on a roller coaster hitting their
teeth on the safety bar]
*"Madame Manjula's The Future Looker-After!"
[Manjula looks into a crystal ball with an image of Sideshow Bob in
it. She surrounded by tarot cards of pictures of Springfield
residents with captions: The Fool (Homer and Santa's Little Helper),
Love (Smithers as Cupid), The Towers (plant cooling towers), Death
(Burns as a reaper), The Hermit (Grampa), Justice (Wiggum at Lard
Lad Donuts with a donut and coffee)]
*"Radioactive Man: the Ride"
[Sherri and Terri inside of a Radioactive Man vehicle spinning
around a nuclear fusion tower exploding with other kids spinning
in Radioactive Man vehicles]
*"Yard Work Simulator"
[Comic Book Guy (dressed as "The Collector" from "Treehouse of
Horror X") wearing a virtual reality helmet holding a rake and
push mower]
*"Impervo the Painless"
"Alive For Now" [Groundskeeper Willie hammering nails into his
nose]
The last three posters were not on display at Universal Orlando
when I was last there, but it looks like the posters that are on
display could be easily changed around.
*"Krustyland Map"
1 KRUSTYLAND MAIN ENTRANCE
2 KRUSTYLAND MAIN STREET
"THE AMERICA OF 1895 AT TODAY'S PRICES"
3 MT. KRUSTMORE
4 ITCHY AND SCRATCHY-LAND MAIN ENTRANCE
5 UNORIGINAL LOG RIDE
6 KRUSTY'S ONE-PLATE MAXIMUM BUFFET
7 KRUSTY'S WATERLESS WATERSLIDE
8 POOCHIE'S HALF-PIPE
"WARNING: 'PIPE' MAY BE LESS THAN ONE HALF"
9 KRUSTY'S GIANT WHEEL
"NOT AFFILIATED WITH 'FERRIS WHEEL' BRAND AMUSEMENT WHEELS"
10 SCRATCHY'S CAT-ANOOGA SPEW-SPEW
11 SLEEPING ITCHY'S CASTLE
12 SCRATCHY'S FLEA-DIP DIPPER-FLIPPER
"VOTED KRUSTYLAND'S WORST RIDE"
13 KRUSTY'S SPIT 'N' WATCH AERIAL GONDOLAS
14 KRUSTY'S WET-AND-SMOKY STUNT SHOW
15 CAPTAIN DINOSAUR'S PIRATE RIP-OFF
16 HAPPY LITTLE ELVES IN PANDA-LAND
17 THE TILT 'N' SPEW
18 THE CHANGE-LOSER
19 KRUSTY'S DINE-IN-THE-SKY FOOD NEEDLE
"NO ELEVATOR"
20 KRUSTY'S L.A. TRAFFIC JAM
21 THE DRAGON BOAT RIDE
22 CASTLE-RESEMBLING STADIUM
23 GAZEBO JUST NORTH OF THE DRAGON BOAT RIDE
24 IT'S A LONG, LONG, LINE!
25 KRUSTY'S HAUNTED CONDO
"VISIT OUR 999 UNHAPPY TEEN EMPLOYEES"
26 THE TOOTH CHIPPER (SLATED FOR DEMOLITION)
27 KRUSTY'S DUSTBOWL JALOPY RUSH
"RACE YOUR FRIENDS TO KRUST-IFORNIA!"
28 KRUSTY'S FUTURISTIC ROOTIN' TOOTIN' BBQ REVIEW 3000!
29 KRUSTYLU STUDIO
30 DUFF PAVILION
"WHERE FAKE ID'S GET YOU BEER"
31 SEA CAPTAINS'S QUESY-TIME LAGOON RIDE
32 KRUSTYLAND HOTEL
33 THE KRUSTY KAROUSEL
34 DEATH DROP
35 MOE'S TUNNEL OF SHAME AND REJECTION
36 RADIOACTIVEMAN: THE RIDE
37 THE SCREAMATORIUM OF DR. FRIGHMARESTEIN
38 APU'S CONCESSION STAND
39 MADAME MANJULA'S THE FUTURE LOOKER-AFTER
40 GET PROBED BY KANG AND KODOS
The Krustyland Map is pretty consistent with the way the park looks
in the ride and in the queue video.
Midway Booths
As guests are grouped before they enter the ride they wait in the
midway with Springfieldians manning the booths. To the right Apu
runs the concession stand and Patty and Selma run the lost and found
(Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers) booth. To the left Groundskeeper
Willie runs a milk bottle booth and Hans Moleman runs an information
booth.
In some midways (there is a different one on each of the three
levels of the ride) there is no information booth. At Universal
Orlando it's only on the second level.
Like the queue video, the midway show is on a constant loop, yet
Krusty's welcome video can start at any time during the show based
on the rate the ride is loading. Usually the show will pick up from
the point it left off on, but sometimes it will skip a segment. At
other times Krusty's welcome will cut into a segment in progress
leaving a character in mid-action instantly going to a static pose.
This is most noticeable in segments with a guest character, like
Lisa in Apu's booth or Moe in Willie's booth, who disappear as
Krusty begins speaking.
The runtime of the midway show is about ten minuets, plus Krusty's
welcome video. The cycle time of the ride is five minuets, forty-
five seconds (the amount of time it takes to load, run, and unload
the ride for the next guests) so during ideal operating conditions
guests will not get to see the entire midway show. Needless to say,
the longer it is taking the ride to load, the more of the show you
will see. Nothing in the midway booths is essential to the storyline
of the ride and more or less works as an enjoyable filler.
Chronological order of segments (times are approximate):
Apu #1 (18): Welcome/Deep Fried baseball cap
Willie #1 (13): Man Enough?/Don't Hurt Willie
Hans #1 (25): Puppet Show
P & S #1 (17): Unclaimed Items Given to Charity
Hans #2 (25): Haunted Information Booth
Willie #2 (19): Rap
Apu #2 (31): Indian Prime Ministers w/Lisa
Disclaimer (30): woman's voice over PA
Willie #3 (27): Skinner Faces on Bottles
P & S #2 (16): Loose a Kid? w/Milhouse
Hans #3 (24): Bart's Questions
Apu #3 (31): Freshest Ingredients w/Sarcastic Man
Willie #4 (21): Everyone's a Winner Except Willie
P & S #3 (17): Lost Medication
Hans #4 (38): Information About the Booth Itself
Apu #4 (28): Cup Sizes
Willie #5 (25): Break Time w/Moe
P & S #4 (15): Selma's Boyfriend w/Homer
Hans #5 (32): No Information
Apu #5 (26): Prison Labor w/Snake
Willie #6 (24): Demonstration/Rigged it Himself
P & S #5 (37): Human Misery/Homer's License
Hans #6 (23): Diaper Changes w/Grampa and Maggie
Apu #6 (20): Lime Swirl Ice Cream w/PFT
Willie #7 (22): Prize For a King w/Cow and Chicken
Hans #7 (26): Funny Costumes/dresses as a pig
Apu: Welcome to Krustyland. May I deep fry your baseball cap? It
costs twenty dollars and is not particularly edible. Much
like all the other food I am serving. (laughs). [he shows
some unappealing food items] But you have to leave the park
to eat something else so we've got you there my friend.
Willie: Ack! Are any of ya man enough to knock down Willie's milk
bottles? And if ya be man enough, don't hurt old Willie!
Willie's yer friend! But I'll bet none o' ya are!
Hans: You know, I'm not just an information booth attendant, I'm
also an aspiring puppeteer. Wanna see my puppet show? [He
ducks down and makes a puppet out of his sock and glasses]
(as puppet) The following rides are closed: The Ferris
wheel, the Krusty carousel, Krusty's house of the future...
sorry.
Patty: [rummaging through items] Anybody loose a sweater? How bout
these sunglasses? Everything that's not claimed we'll give
to charity unless it fits us. Even if it doesn't.
Selma: [puts on an Isotopes baseball cap that's too big] How do I
look?
Patty: It's you.
Hans: I'm sorry that the Krusty Haunted Condo is closed. But the
haunted information booth is open. Just a second. [he puts
on a sheet] I am a ghost. Oooooh. Awww, don't be scared it's
only me. [he takes off the sheet, puts it on a hook and gets
scared by it, falling to the ground screaming]
Willie: (doing a rap) My name is G-Willie and I'm here to say,
knocking down bottles is the game ta play. Throw balls at
the bottle with all yer might. [flexes muscle] Won't do a
thing, 'cause they're nailed down tight... Uh... I mean, eh.
Apu: Oh, this booth is so boring. How to kill the time? Oh I will
name all the prime ministers of India in reverse order while
balancing a soda on my head. Here goes: Singh, Gujral,
Gowda, Rao...
Lisa approaches Apu.
Lisa: You forgot Atal Behari Vajpayee.
Apu: For a reason; he is as forgettable as his foreign policy
initiatives.
Lisa: I thought they were very enlightened.
Apu: Ok, get back in line. All right little girl.
Lisa: Fine.
A disclaimer over the PA plays.
Woman: Attention Krustyland guests. Please be aware that all flash
photography and videotaping is strictly prohibited from this
point on. This is a motion simulator ride involving sudden
and extreme movement. Expectant mothers and individuals with
heart, back, and neck conditions, abnormal blood pressure,
claustrophobia, or those prone to motion sickness or
dizziness are advised not to ride this attraction. Thank you
for your cooperation and enjoy your visit to Krustyland.
Willie: That's easy to hit the bottles. Just pretend they're
Principal Skinner's stupid face. [the bottles morph into
faces of Principal Skinner and he smahes them with a ball]
Aw, Willie's sorry. Wait, how did you people see those
faces? They're in me imagination. Oww, what else am I
imagining? I bet this hammer is really a feather. [he hits
himself with a hammer] Gaah! Oh, hammer it is.
Patty: Ok, I've got a camera, car keys, cell phone, this kid. [she
holds up Milhouse who wishfully smiles as they pause for a
moment] Any takers? No? (to Milhouse) One more week then
I'm afraid we'll have to put you down.
Bart approaches Hans.
Bart: I'd like some information.
Hans: My pleasure.
Bart: Who won the 1942 world series?
Hans: The St. Louis Cardinals.
Bart: Why is the sky blue?
Hans: The molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun.
Bart: Why are you so lame?
Hans: I was a very sickly boy and I never developed social skills.
Bart: Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?
Hans: Yes, yes you are.
Apu: Here at my concession stand, I use only the freshest
ingredients.
The sarcastic man approaches Apu with some gross food items.
Man: I've got those leftover snacks from the county fair you
ordered. Half-eaten nachos, flat soda that's been left in
the sun, and slices of pizza with footprints on them.
Apu: That is disgusting.
Man: Ok, sorry.
Apu: No, no, leave them here so I can properly dispose of them.
Man: Right. Sure you will... jerk.
He takes everything from him and puts a five dollar sign on it.
Willie: Step right up! Everyone's a winner, except Willie, running a
lousy milk bottle booth, never learning to read or write,
sleeps with his head on a bag of fertilizer. Never a shred
of meat in Willie's stew. That's right folks. Good times!
Everyone's a winner.
Selma: This contains every medication that was lost in the park in
the last week.
She takes all the medication, puts them in a blender and drinks it.
She starts to hallucinate; her hair droops and her pupils begin to
dilate.
Selma: My headache's gone, but now I'm blind.
Hans: Welcome to the information booth. I suppose I should start
by telling you some information about the booth itself. It
was made 25 years ago and has never been repaired. Time and
nature have caused the wood to splinter. I collect those
splinters and use them to manufacture this replica of the
information booth. [he shows a miniature model of the booth
with a tiny version of himself] If you're wondering if the
booth is to scale, the answer is yes. If you're curious what
that scale is the answer is seventeen to one.
Apu: You may be wondering about the size of the cups here at
Krustyland. This for example is a large sized soft drink.
[it's very small] It sells for ten dollars. This may sound
like a great deal of money but it comes with a free refill.
And by free refill I mean that you drink the soda, then wait
for the ice to melt, and then you drink that. Heh. Also the
macho nachos are not, eh, not very macho.
Willie: Ok Moe, while Willie's on break take good care of me prized
shack.
Moe approaches Willie.
Moe: Ah no problem Irish, it's in good hands. (singing to the
tune of "Sailing, Sailing") Looting, looting, everything in
sight. [He puts stuffed toys of Krusty, Itchy, and Bumblebee
Man into a sack] Hey enjoy the park everybody.
Selma: Hey Patty, check this out. I made a boyfriend out of all the
lost and found stuff.
She shows Patty her "boyfriend" which is a coat, hat, and a camera
with glasses for a face. Homer approaches.
Homer: I believe this is mine. [he takes the camera and the
"boyfriend" falls apart]
Selma: It was still the most meaningful relationship I ever had.
Hans: Welcome to the information booth. Before you ask any
questions I should tell you the things I don't have any
information or knowledge about so you can avoid those areas.
I know very little about the layout or operating hours of
the park. I am also unfamiliar with the location of the
nearest bathroom or restaurant. I am also ignorant regarding
matters of first-aid, park exits, local freeways, and
turkey, either the country or the bird. Now, how can I help
you?
Apu: Ok, here is a fun fact. Did you know that this entire park
was built by prison convicts? Yes, it's true.
Snake approaches Apu in an orange jumpsuit.
Snake: Yo, they test everything on us; the rides, the food, the
slogans. It's totally inhumane.
Apu: Quiet or I will have you clean the men's room at the burrito
tent.
Snake: No, I lost two buddies there. Oh.
Willie: All you got to do is knock down those bottles. And don't
think it's one of those carnie attractions you can't
possibly win. I'll show you it's on the up and up. Just aim
for the middle bottle. Like so. [he punches the bottles]
Ahhh! I forgot. It's rigged! I rigged it myself!
Patty: The best thing about this box is it contains people's
misery.
Selma: Doesn't it make you feel great knowing somebody's going to
walk all the way out to their car then realize they don't
have their keys?
Patty: Hey look! It's Homer's driver's license.
Selma: 185 pounds? Who's he trying to fool?
She lights the license on fire and light cigarettes with the flame.
Patty: Oh, you devil you.
They laugh and cough and smoke. Grampa and Maggie approach Hans.
Grampa: Do you have a diaper changing station?
Hans: Why yes we do.
Grampa: Good. You hold this baby while I make use of it.
He hands Maggie to Hans. Hans holds Maggie for a moment looking
awkwardly at the guests until Grampa comes back. The pimply faced
teen approaches Apu with a carton of vanilla ice cream with a five
dollar price on it.
Teen: Mr. Nahasapemapetalian. I think this Ice Cream is spoiled.
Apu: Oh watch and learn my son. This is not vanilla ice cream. It
is lime swirl.
He erases the word vanilla and replaces it with "lime swirl." The
teen gasps. Then Apu erases the five dollar price and replaces it
with ten. The teen gasps louder.
Apu: I know, I am great.
Willie: Step right ups lads and lassies. Knock down Willie's old
baby bottles and I'll give ya a prize worthy of a king. [He
takes out a cow and chicken from under the counter] Willie
would take milk and eggs over stuffed teddy bear any day.
[the cow moos] There, there Fuzzy. I'll steal ya back in
the dead of night. [the chicken clucks and lays an egg]
Hans: People ask me, don't you get bored standing here all day? I
admit sometimes I do, but that's why I spice things up by
wearing funny costumes. Like this one. [he puts on a pig
snout and makes ears with his fingers] Can you believe I'm
getting paid for this? (sighs)
As the action in one booth occurs, everyone in the other booths
pass the time
Apu: Eats a hotdog, looks at a centerfold in a magazine called
"Mini-Mart News" with a picture of the Kwik-E-Mart on it
and gets embarrassed, sprays breath freshener in mouth
and then uses it as deodorant, yawns
Hans: Cleans glasses, shoos a fly as it goes by, combs his hair
with his hand
P & S: Selma eats a tic-tac. Patty gestures for one. Selma smells
her breath and gives her a handful. They whisper to each
other and look like they're talking about the guests. Selma
picks a hair off of Patty. Selma waves to someone. Patty
digs in her ear.
Willie: Chews gum, drinks a soda
The sign at the midway entrance reads: Welcome to Krusty's Carnival
Midway- Please wait here. [with a picture of Krusty saying, "It's
called a "Midway" because it's midway between a rip-off and highway
robbery! Hee-hee!"]
At Hans Moleman's information booth:
Attractions closed today:
* Radioactive Man the Ride
* Yardwork Simulator
* The Sideshow Mel Experience
* Poochie's Toddler Kennel
* Krusty's email-Checking Station
Slated for Demolition
* Traumanator Coaster
Area attraction coupons:
* Krusty Brook Woods: Timeshare- A good investment or a GREAT one?
(with map of timeshare that looks like Krusty's face on wall)
* Patty & Selma's museum of vacation photos
* Hot Time at the Tire Yard Fire Tour
* Moe's Tavern: Free date with Moe with purchase of drink
* Crazy Carl's Coupon Castle: Present this coupon for 1/2 off any
coupon
* Sea Captains Seafood Shack: Three-eyed fish for the price of
two-eyed fish
* The Gilded Truffle: Springfield's only restaurant with waiters
At Apu's Concession Stand:
* Snacks
Cola.........$1
Fried Sugar..$1
Popcorn......$1
Donut Rinds..$1
* Cotton Candy, Flannel Candy, Linen Candy 99 cents
* 100 Taco for $100
The Buzz cola machine and popcorn machine (which really pops
popcorn) are both three-dimensional while other props, as most of
the midway props are, such as the cotton candy maker are two-
dimensional.
Willie's booth advertises 3 balls for $1 and has stuffed toys of
Krusty, Bumblebee Man, and Itchy, but no Scratchy.
Patty and Selma's booth has little detail to it.
Also seen:
Itchy and Scratchy Wheel of Pain (the wheel randomly lights up)
1. Crushed Lip
2. Squished Eyeball
3. Stubbed Eyeball
4. Kicked Tush
5. Finger Bender
6. Sliced Eyebrow
7. Eyebrow Shave
8. Pinched Bellybutton
9. Smashed Hand
10. Smushed Finger
11. Noogie Time!!!!
12. Knee Crack!!!!
13. Stubbed Toe
14. Scalp Twister!!!!
15. Eyeball Switch
Categories on the test your strength game, from top to bottom:
Krusty, Super Hero, Normal Hero, Nudge, Schlub, Schlemiel, Coma
Patient
There is also a generic advertisement for the Itchy and Scratchy
show, a ticket booth, and the closed entrance doors for the
"Screamatorium of Dr.Frankmarestein" and "Madame Manjula's The
Future Looker-After!"
Advertisements seen in midway (on monitor for Krusty's greeting)
* Krustyland ATM: Fees raised from $2 to "double however much money
you're taking out" - sorry
* Krusty Kotton Ear Swabs!: 4 Cool new flavors in the gift shop
* Hall of the Secretaries of the Interior- Wait Time 0:00
* Glow in the Dark Necklaces- That die when you get home. $10
* Krusty's Tribute to great theme park lines- Wait time: 45 minutes
[picture of Krusty standing in front of a map]
* Merlin's Medieval Joust- Closed for Wizard Re-Bearding
* Krusty's Splash Zone Fright Flume: closed for private wedding
* Krusty's Nuclear Waterslide: Closed for radiation concerns
* Krusty's Funteractive Lithuanian shtetl- Wait time: 10 minutes
* Krustyland Warning: When riding Krusty's stagecoach stampede,
please avoid the "Groping Undertaker"
* Now Hiring dancer to play guitar in Four Food Groups Singing
Spectacular: Must have dancing grapefruit experience
* Krustyland Vacuum cleaner bags: Remember your Krustyland vacation
every vacuum day
* Haunted Condo: closed for annual ghostbusting
* Rain Ponchos: $5 When Dry, $20 When Wet
* At the Krustyland Fudge Factory we'll caramel anything [a family
holds various camramelized items]
* Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip-Off- wait time: 300 minutes
* The Newest Krustyland Sensation: Clown Hair- looks like cotton
candy with the clown hair taste kids love
* Comming Soon- Captain Queasy's Barf Cruise
Krusty's greeting (2:15)
Somewhere indoors, Krusty greets us with many Springfieldians around
him...
Krusty: Hey! Hey! It's me, Krusty! (Laughs) Congratulations. The
line's almost over. Only forty-five more minuets. Just
kidding! I have no idea how much longer it is. So here to
entertain you are Itchy and Scratchy.
A costumed Itchy and Scratchy stumble around.
Barney: [in Scratchy outfit] (Burp)
Bart: Hey, those are just two drunks you fished out of the gutter.
Barney: That's a lie. [he pours a bottle of beer down the eye hole]
Krusty: You're fired. And leave the suit.
Barney: All right, I'll take this thing off. [he's nude underneath]
Krusty: Gah! Keep the suit! One word of warning that may your
otherwise enjoyable day at my park. There's a psychopathic
killer on the loose. His name is Sideshow Bob [shows Bob's
picture] and he used to work for me. For some reason he
hates me.
Krusty directs us to a TV with a clip from the Krusty show. Krusty
throws a pie in Bob's face, kicks him in the groin, pushes him into
a cannon, and fires it into a wall.
Krusty: Then Bob tried to frame me for robbery, and he was foiled by
the Simpsons, [a picture of the Simpsons appears on the TV]
and now he's vowed to kill them all, even the baby! Six
months ago Bob escaped from the Springfield Penitentiary.
Krusty directs us to a TV with a clip showing Bob jumping the prison
wall and into a truck full of pillows but as he jumps the pillow
truck drives away and a truck full of barbed wire pulls up into
where Bob falls.
Krusty: He is rumored to be in the vicinity of this park. But rest
assured my cracker jack security team has everything under
control.
Wiggum: [looking at his gun with Lou and Eddie] I'm sorry does
anyone know which end the bullet goes in?
Meanwhile outside Barney walks away in the Scratchy outfit. Bob,
first looking like a palm tree, appears out of the darkness. He
clubs Barney over the head with a churro he got from a basket
labeled "Yesterday's Churros". He takes the Scratchy suit and puts
it on. Back at the park,
Krusty: Now, which lucky family will be the first to go on my
thrilling new ride? Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, make it
quick I gotta go, to the little clowns room so, the family
that will see my show, is the one who hollers...
Bob, in the Scratchy suit steps on Homer's foot.
Homer: Doh'
Krusty: Fine, you're in. Come with me. Oh, and you can pick one
other group to come with you.
Bart: [pointing to us] How bout these guys?
Krusty: Uh sure, whatever. They look clean. You guys come with me.
[to us] You stay here and wait for someone to tell you to do
something.
Bob: (Evil laughter)
Watching Krusty: Kent Brockman, Brockman's daughter, Mrs. Prince,
Martin, Mr. Prince, Lenny, Carl, Sherri, Terri,
Milhouse, Kirk Van Houten, Database, Miss Hoover,
Big Nosed Punching Man, Comic Book Guy, Julio (the
roommate in "Three Gays of the Condo"), Marge,
Maggie, Bart, Lisa, Homer, Grampa, Miss Allbright,
Rod, Todd, Ned, Fat Tony, Rich Texan, Disco Stu,
Cookie Kwan, Dr. Hibbert, younger Hibbert son,
Hibbert daughter, Bernice Hibbert, older Hibbert
son, Rev. Lovejoy, Helen Lovejoy, Jessica Lovejoy,
Janey, Larry the barfly, Jasper, Nelson, Kearney,
Dolph, and Jimbo
Funhouse (pre-ride boarding room) (3:45)
Krusty ushers the Simpsons, including Grampa, through a door reading
"Krusty Krew Members Only"
Krusty: This is where we make all the wonder and imagination that
fuels our park! Hurry! Put on these lead vests!
He hands them lead vests with the nuclear radiation symbol on them.
Lisa looks at a glowing green door.
Lisa: Krusty? Is this a nuclear reactor? [she sticks her hand
through and there's electrical buzzing] Ohhh!
Krusty: What do you know about nuclear energy, kid? Leave that to us
clowns!
Professor Frink runs in urgently.
Frink: Oh, uh, Mr. Krusty, sir! The reactor is terribly dangerous!
With the leakages and the crackages, Observe! [he puts a
hamster in a cage into the reactor] Oh, the growing is
happening. [the hamster grows large and breaks out of the
cage] Now, if a human being were to enter that room, who
knows what events might occur-ulate! [to Marge and Maggie]
They could grow 50 feet tall, [to Homer] or three extra
arms, [to Bart] or an eye where their nose should be, which
is painful.
Krusty: [yanking Frink by the collar] Hey, Nerden-heimer! Don't you
have a test tube to polish?
Frink: Yes, I do, actually. But you denied my request for test tube
polish! I've been using rainwater and my shirt-tail.
Krusty: [tosses Frink out] Get outta here!
Krusty brings the Simpsons to the vehicle boarding station door
where the pimply faced teen stands guard.
Krusty: Here we are at the vehicle boarding station.
PFT: [to Grampa] I'm sorry, sir! People with heart conditions may
not ride!
Grampa: Why, I'm in the best shape I've ever... Oh! Heart attack!
[clutches chest] been in my life! I feel like a twenty...
[twitches painfully] Ugh, stroke! ... year-old! Massive
aneurysm! I'll wait outside.
Marge: Ooh, you can watch Maggie!
Homer: You can enjoy each other's nonsense!
Maggie: (speaking gibberish)
Grampa: You don't say? Well, back in my day, people never had to...
(gibberish)
The rest of the family walks away.
Grampa: Well, Maggie, looks like I'll be taking care of... [falls
asleep]
Maggie wiggles out of the lead vest and off of Grampa's lap. She
goes into the nuclear reactor and from her shadow we can see she's
growing to be a giant.
Maggie: (loud sucking)
Grampa: That's it Maggie. Stay with Grampa. [he's holding the giant
hamster in place of Maggie]
The family walks into the ride room with the Krusty car.
Homer: Wow! We're the first people ever to ride this baby! We're
like that space guy who did that moon thing!
Lisa: Neil Armstrong?
Homer: No! Chewbacca! (imitates Chewbacca)
Krusty: Now enjoy the Ferris wheel... or whatever this is. [a hand
holding a gun pokes Krusty] Whaddya want?
Bob: [taking off the Scratchy head] A dish best served cold!
Homer: Is it ice cream?
Bob: NO! Revenge! [punches Krusty and he passes out] (laughs
maniacally)
Homer: But we're on vacation! Can't ya kill me on a workday?
Bob: Simpsons... GET IN THAT RIDE!
Lisa: Forget it, Bob! We'll never... DAD?!
Homer: [sitting in the car] I've waited in line an hour for this
thing and I'm riding it! Now hop in! [they do so]
Bob: [to us] Now, the last thing you'll ever see! A legally
required safety video.
All: Ahhh!
A cartoon, "Itchy & Scratchy in Safety First", begins to play with
a woman's voice narrating.
Woman: Here are some brief guidelines to ensure a safe and pleasant
experience. [Scratchy begins to make a dash for the ride and
Itchy nails his tail to the floor] When the doors open, move
immediately into the vehicle boarding station. [Scratchy's
fur gets torn off] Walk; don't run. [Itchy and Scratchy push
their way through the doors carrying various Krustyland
merchandise] Proceed to the left and right side of the
vehicle. [Scratchy puts down his camera and Krusty stuff]
We ask that you place all large or fragile items, including
cameras and video recorders, against the wall outside the
vehicle, and hold on to all loose articles. [Itchy puts his
bag against the wall and takes a seat, removing his
sunglasses Take your seats in an orderly fashion and please
watch your head as you enter the vehicle. [Scratchy hits his
head on the door as he enters. Itchy hits him on the head
with a mallet] If you have difficulty dealing with small
spaces, make the Krusty Krewmember aware of this before
entering the vehicle. [Scratchy struggles under the lap bar
and breaks it off, cutting off his head] Once you are
seated, please pull down on the lap bar. [Itchy sitting
comfortably reads "Little Mouse on the Prairie" in reading
glasses. Two Krusty Krewmwmber dogs scold a headless
Scratchy] Please remain seated and face forward while the
vehicle is in motion. [Scratchy (now with a head) puts his
arm around his wife. Itchy takes his hand unknowingly under
the vehicle and to the other side] Keep your arms and legs
clear of the closing doors and inside the vehicle at all
times. [the door closes on Scratchy's arm cutting it off.
The other door closes safely next to Itchy] No still or
motion picture photography of any kind is allowed. [Scratchy
takes a picture and a bunch of missiles launch on him
turning him into a skeleton] Thanks for your attention!
[Itchy puts his camera in his pocket and smiles] Enjoy the
ride!
Seen on screen before video starts
Krustyland Quotes
"This ride is really, really, really, really great. You're gonna
love it so much." --Sarcastic Praise Magazine
"One time at Krustyland I ate a rainbow ice cream and went on a ride
and then my tummy hurted and my mouth cried a rainbow" --Ralph
Wiggum
[picture of a newspaper] Thrill Ride Weekly
Krusty's all new ride to be FUNNEST ever!
[picture of Krusty giving a thumbs up]
Headline writer fired for using FUNNEST- not a real word
[picture of a control room with people looking at sections of the
park on monitors and Krusty looking at a picture of a lady clown in
a bikini]
Artist's Conception- "The Roller-Coaster of the Future?" [picture
of an alien and people in astronaut outfits on a roller coaster]
Fun level- Krusty rides vs other theme park ride [a graph showing
Krustyland's level high above other theme park rides] Note: No
research was done in the creation of this chart
KRUSTY'S
All-New Thrilltacular Upsy-Downsy
Spins-Aroundsy Teen-Operated Thrill Ride
BY THE NUMBERS
Number of rides: 1
Budget of ride: $10,000,000,000,000
Length of track: 3 miles
Krusty's favorite number: 6
Number of items on the list so far: 5
Biggest number in the world: 98,842,912
Number of writers who compiled this list: 20
Number of people reading this list: 0
Pictures on wall
*Krusty with Matt Groening
*Krusty with the Krust-Lites [they look like a 1950's music group]
*Krusty as he looked in "The Last Temptation of Krust"
*Young Krusty aiming a pie at a dog while his dad reads a newspaper
in the background
Signs reading:
*More fun than sitting at home
*No turning back!
*Best Krusty can afford!
*Prepared to be thrilled
*This way to fun
*You made it
*Here it comes [picture of a pie in Krusty's hand]
The video monitor looks like a carnival calliope decorated with
ornaments of Krusty, Itchy, and Scratchy. The room also has a
funhouse mirror.
The cycle time of the ride is 5 minutes and 45 seconds. That is the
amount of time it takes for the ride to load, run, and unload for
the next guests. This works out to about 10.435 cycles per hour.
With 24 cars, each holding 8 guests, 192 people can ride per cycle.
If there are no delays or empty seats about 2003.5 people can ride
per hour. The actual riding time is about 4 minutes and 15 seconds
with a target load and unload time of about 90 seconds.
Some of the quotes were a little difficult to make out, especially
some of Bob's lines, and may be off.
Homer: [voice only] All right everyone; sit down, times a wasting.
The faster we do the ride the sooner I can hit the bathroom.
Sit down already so Sideshow Bob can kill us! Hey, let's
play the sit down game! Rule number one: sit down. Rule
number two: keep doing it. Rule number three: the end. Now
sit down all the seats are the same except the ones that are
better. I'll make an annoying noise if you don't sit down.
(annoying noise) Ok, rides over. Ha-ha, kidding!
The pimply faced teen appears on a television above the ride
vehicle. He's sitting in a control room with a name tag reading
"Sideshow Jeremy."
PFT: Don't worry folks. Your comfort and safety and safety is in
the hands of highly qualified teens like myself. We're
required to take an extensive training course and not wear
facial hair. Enjoy yourself but keep the screaming down. I
have a math test to study for. If I don't get a C, I get
kicked out of the audio-visual club. (groans)
He begins to read his book upside down. After a moment he realizes
it is upside down and turns it right side up. If the ride takes
longer to launch a graphic reading "Krustyland, where vacation takes
a holiday" appears with Krusty and Mr. Teeny dancing. Then Sideshow
Bob appears on the television sitting in the control room of a
wrecking ball.
Bob: I've taken over every area of the park. There's no place
you'll be safe from me! And now enjoy your ride that's about
to be demolished... while you've riding it! (evil laughter)
Bob pulls a lever that's labeled thrilling to killing. Our ride
vehicle begins to rise to the top of a roller coaster. The animation
is now in CGI (where you can see all the spikes on Bart and Lisa's
hair)
Homer: Oooh, a roller coaster!
Lisa: I'm scared Dad!
Homer: Sweetie they won't kill you in an amusement park as long as
you have a dime left in your pocket.
Our ride vehicle stops behind the Simpson's Krusty car with Bob
standing off to the side on the wrecking ball platform. It is
currently day time.
Bob: There's nothing you can do. You're about to die!
Homer: You sound like my doctor! [our car crashes into the
Simpson's and they go down the first drop]
Bob: [to us] Ahhh, my next victims. So anyway, away with you all,
ta. [our car follows the Simpson's]
Homer: Bob, not only are you not killing us, I'm having fun!
Marge: Homey they said to stay seated!
Homer: Oh that's a load of [he gets struck by the wrecking ball and
goes flying] craaaaaap! I always get sick flying backwards!
Doh' Hey I can see our car! [falls on the track] [to us] You
guys haven't seen a giant steel ball have ya? [the ball
starts to chase him] You don't want to hurt me ball! We're
both big and round and never finished high school! [the
track explodes and the Simpsons go flying through the air]
Save me tourists!
We free fall through a giant Krusty head's mouth on the ride tracks.
Krusty: Welcome to a magical journey through my mouth.
Nelson: [in car in front of us] You're all gonna die! Haw-haw!
We crash through the "Happy Little Elves in Panda Land" attraction
and land in a giant cup dangling from the ceiling. Bart and Lisa are
in the next cup.
Bart: A kidde ride. (groans)
Lisa: At least we're safe.
Bob: [Bob strapped to a giant animatronic panda pops out from
behind a wall] Panda begs to differ! [Bart and Lisa scream]
[to a singing elf] Will you shut up? Say "wee!"
The panda swings Bart and Lisa's cup into another panda whose head
comes off as we crash through a wall and land in "Captain Dinosaur's
Pirate Rip-Off." Marge and Homer are in a boat.
Homer: Alone at last.
Marge: Bob's trying to kill the kids!
Homer: It just gets better and better!
They go down a steep waterfall and we follow.
Bob: [his image appearing on a waterfall] Now Homer, because I
want to be fair, a piece of advice: Resist every temptation
that I've laid in front of you.
Homer spies a beer in the hands of one of the pirate dinosaurs.
Homer: Oooh beer! [he tries to pry it away from the dinosaur]
Marge: Homer, it's a temptation!
Homer: When did beer hurt anybody? [the dinosaur figures start to
fall apart] Uh-oh, I hate chain reactions!
The building starts to fall apart and their boat goes through a hole
in the wall as we follow down a crowded grandstand, narrowly missing
the pimply faced teen selling popcorn, and landing in a tank of
water at "Krusty's Wet and Smoky Stunt Show." It's now early
evening. On shore Bob is attached to the giant panda with Bart
dangling in the panda's grip.
Bob: [to Bart] You foiled my plans for the last time!
Marge and Homer's boat hits the wall and Bart falls out of the
Panda's grip and into the boat.
Bart: You soiled your pants for the last time? (laughs)
Homer starts a motor on the boat to escape as Bob starts shooting
at them. A whale pops up out of the water with Lisa on his back.
Lisa: [to us] We'll save you! [she tosses a rope to our ride
vehicle] Onward convenient whale!
Our vehicle follows the whale and the Simpsons as Bob continues to
shoot.
Homer: Maybe that exit sign leads to an exit. [an explosion throws
Homer out of the boat where he is dangled behind from a
rope] Marge, stay away from the ramp!
Marge: What? [the boat goes up a ramp and tosses upside down as we
follow]
Homer: I mean ramps!
We go up another ramp and are narrowly missed being hit by a large
piece of the grandstand. We crash through the back of the bleachers
where Bob and his panda are waiting.
Bob: Now for the unkindest cut of all!
The panda uses a giant circular saw to cut into the floor where we
dangle over a long shaft. A giant Maggie appears. She picks up Bob
and pushes the panda aside.
Lisa: Look what the radiation did to Maggie!
Homer: They grow up so fast.
With Bob in her grip Maggie begins hitting our ride vehicle.
Bob: Ta-ta tourists!
We begin to fall down the shaft but Professor Frink appears in a
helicopter-like flying machine.
Frink: Do not fear, a nerd is here!
Frink fires a suction cup on a rope to our vehicle securing it as
we narrowly miss a giant animatronic devil. Frink propels us up out
of the shaft and to the top of Springfield at the Hollywood-like
Springfield sign. It is now night. Bob is standing on giant
Maggie's forehead dangling her pacifier above her.
Bob: I'll give you back your pacifier if you destroy Springfield!
Our vehicle crashes into the sign and goes down a hillside, past the
power plant and through some explosions.
Wiggum: [voice over a loud speaker] Careful! The baby is wet and
presumed cranky!
Our vehicle zips through the streets of Springfield. The Simpsons
travel alongside us on a Krustyland parking tram.
Homer: I'm not gonna change that diaper!
Marge: Mommy's coming giant Maggie!
Bart: Come on Maggie! Destroy something!
Maggie, with Bob on her forehead, still trying to get the pacifier,
knocks over the KBBL radio tower and it explodes.
Apu: [outside the Kwik-E-Mart] You break it you bought it!
We narrowly miss getting hit by Otto in the school bus and go
through the giant donut on the Lard Lad donuts sign. We wind up in
the town square where giant Maggie has the pacifier in her mouth
with Bob dangling from it as she tries to shake him off.
Marge: Get away from my baby!
Maggie shakes Bob off and sees our vehicle.
Lisa: Maggie, that's not a pacifier!
Maggie sticks our vehicle in her mouth and sucks on it.
Marge: Get those tourists out of your mouth! You don't know where
they've been!
Maggie spits us out and we land in telephone pole wires outside of
Moe's Tavern.
Barney: (burp)
The wires sling shot us past Maggie and through a large sign reading
"Send Money to Universal Studios." We land in the Simpson's driveway
and nearly run over Homer into the garage like in the Simpsons TV
show opening. We wind up in the Simpson's house where they gather to
the sofa.
Homer: Home sweet... [a lap bar comes down over the Simpsons and
the walls to their house fall down leaving them in outer
space and on the "Death Drop" attraction] doh!
Kodos: [in spaceship with Kang] Foolish Earthlings; don't you know
all rides must end near the gift shop?
Kang pulls a lever and the Simpsons rapidly descend down the Death
Drop as we follow.
Homer: My bosoms are slapping my face!
Lisa: Thanks for nothing gravity!
Ralph: [being carried by a vulture] I'm a baby bird!
Marge: This must be the part where they take your picture! Okay
smile! [they pose]
We land at the front entrance to Krustyland, which is now in ruins,
to find Sideshow Bob with a circular saw-like weapon.
Bob: Five seconds to kill somebody! [to us] Hello folks!
The sofa falls on top of Bob and the Simpsons land on top of it.
Homer: What a horrible nightmare. Thank God this ride is over.
Giant Maggie pushes the giant Krusty head on top of the family and
our vehicle as we are lowered back to the floor. There are some
minimal fire effects in the ride building.
Homer: [voice only] Let's go again!
Krusty appears on the TV set above the vide vehicle sitting in the
control room. It is now back to 2-D animation.
Krusty: Well that's our ride. [looks at a red button] Hey, what does
this do?
He pushes the button causing our vehicle to vibrate and he laughs.
The ride is over.
Waiting in line at "Happy Little Elves": Grampa, Mayor Quimby
Waiting in line at "Captain Dinosaur's": Comic Book Guy,
Groundskeeper Willie,
Steven Speilberg (?)
In Springfield: Apu, Otto, Moe (looking outside bar), Barney, Mr.
Burns and Smithers (in a hot air balloon during the
death drop), Ralph
Springfield locations seen
at the top of roller coaster: School, Church, Moe's/King Toots,
Kwik-E-Mart, Krusty Burger, Power
Plant, "Springfield" Hollywood-style
sign, Lard Lad Donuts
Locations seen zipping
around Springfield: Power plant, Aztec Theater, Kwik-E-Mart, Moe's,
KBBL studios, town square, comic book store
The Aztec theater has a two posters for the Simpsons Movie outside.
Krustyland attraction seen
at the top of roller coaster: Giant bottle of Duff, Krustyland,
Hotel, parachute drop, Death Drop,
Splash Mountain type ride, Ferris
wheel, rest of roller coaster with
"Condemned! Sign", Giant spinning
Scratchy
Signs on roller coaster
as we rise to the top: "Roller Coaster to Be Demolished", "Do Not
Enter", "Seriously", "It's Your Funeral"
There are several flags at the top of the roller coaster, one is a
pair of underwear.
Attractions at the front of the
park at the end of the ride: Ferris Wheel with a big K on it, Giant
Scratchy, Giant Duff Bottle, Kang and
Kodos statues, roller coaster
Comments and observations
Back to the Future vs. The Simpsons
The Back to the Future ride ran for as long as it was probably
intended to. In the ride we are transported into the future, the
year 2015; a time period in which we'll have flying cars. At the
time of the ride's closure, 2007, this Jetsonian idea of the future
was only 8 years away.
With every passing year it seems less and less likely that 2015
will be like it was depicted in the Back to the Future ride and
second Back to the Future movie. It's a bit of a downer. When I was
a kid I was so eager to get a hoverboard as soon as they were
available. I'm still waiting.
But even without any regard to the anachronistic overtones of the
ride it was obviously intended to close well before 2015. And being
a simulator ride to boot it was probably taken into consideration
from the start that the ride could be easily re-tooled and changed
into a completely different ride later down the road. So why not a
Simpsons ride? As a kid I remember riding on the Hanna-Barberra
simulator ride and thinking to myself while zipping around the
streets of Bedrock how much more I'd sooner be zipping around the
streets of Springfield.
One area in which I found the Back to the Future Ride superior to
the Simpsons ride is that the ride mechanics made the flying
DeLorian feel much more natural than the runaway roller coaster
car in the Simpsons ride. In either ride it's obvious that you are
in a controlled vehicle but in Back to the Future it's supposed to
feel like that. In the Simpsons ride the vehicle is supposed to be
free falling through the sky, floating on water, and dangling from
a rope and it really doesn't pull off the illusion. It requires
a little more suspension of disbelief than Back to the Future.
It's notable that in Back to the Future the guests are the hunter,
we're working with Doc Brown in pursuit of Biff, while in the
Simpsons ride it's reversed and the guests are the hunted along with
the Simpsons as Krusty is incapacitated.
It's also notable that both rides had a key cast member from both
franchises who did not participate- Michael J. Fox and Harry
Shearer.
Why Krustyland?
I found the ride not as Simpsons-ey as I imagined. For most of the
experience we're not in any locations familiar to the show until the
very end. It is more an homage to theme park attractions with the
Simpsons than a ride about the Simpsons. But given the storyline I
can see why that is and I'm not complaining. It also probably makes
the ride more appealing to people who are not familiar with the
show. Although they might not see why Bob hates the Simpsons and
Krusty so much just from Krusty's quick explanation of what happened
in 7G12, but it would have taken too much time to go down the list
of Bob's history with the Simpsons and Krusty.
Well before Universal Studios officially announced it was creating a
Simpsons ride in place of Back to the Future it was rumored to be
just that, but the storyline that was most widely circulated on the
internet was much different. Rather than being at Krustyland the
ride would be at the power plant and the kids from Springfield
Elementary are there taking a field trip. Homer somehow causes a
meltdown and we need to flee the city so Bart takes over Otto's
school bus and takes us on a wild ride through Springfield.
It was kind of assumed that the reason that this wasn't the avenue
taken was because of Harry Shearer's absence, as Mr. Burns,
Smithers, Lenny, Principal Skinner, and Otto would have probably
all had speaking roles. But again this version of the ride was only
rumored and the version that we got is not necessarily plan B. But
even if it was I think the Krustyland idea was a better choice. In
most attractions like these there needs to be some sort of villain
and Sideshow Bob fills that role perfectly. Plus for those of us who
were disappointed by Bob's absence in the Simpsons movie can now
feel a little redemption by his major role in the ride. Maybe Mr.
Burns could have been the bad guy in the alternate version of the
ride as he's arguably as or more evil than Bob, but he's a decrepit
old man and isn't menacing in the way that would work for a ride
like this.
Also in making a Simpsons ride there isn't a basic idea that comes
to mind in what that ride would be like. In other Universal Studios
attractions, which are usually based on movies, guests can get a
general idea of what to expect beforehand. The Simpsons is a long-
running TV series that has covered an endless array of topics and
for the most part the timeline is frozen with each episode as a
stand alone story. There aren't that many story arcs in the show and
the Sideshow Bob episodes are the most notable. Even people who are
just a little bit familiar with the show are probably aware of the
ongoing Sideshow Bob vs. the Simpsons ordeal. In a way the ride is
like an episode of it's own- a stand-alone story that doesn't borrow
too heavily from any specific episode, aside from the Sideshow Bob
episodes, and like in every episode of the show, has no major effect
on future episodes.
Some random thoughts
*The ride is much more surreal than the average episode of the
Simpsons aside from Halloween and other non-cannon episodes,
especially with the giant Maggie.
*The entire ride experience isn't set in real time. The actual ride
time is only about 4 minutes and 15 seconds but is made to give the
impression that it's been going on much longer. At the top of the
roller coaster it's the middle of the day, at the stunt show it's
early evening, and when zipping around Springfield it's night. So
it's not really a continuity error that a character gets from one
spot to another within a much shorter time span than would be needed
in reality.
*The Simpsons season 11 DVD box set is themed around the Simpsons
ride and features many of the same fake attraction posters in the
menus. The start of the ride film is an Easter egg on the fourth
disc. On the disc menu highlight one of the carnival booth signs
and click on it when you see a question mark. The deluxe edition,
the one with the plastic Krusty head, also comes with a express
pass for up to four people for the ride in either Orlando or
Hollywood.
*There are many specific references to Disney attractions in the
ride. In the advertisement for the Haunted Condo, the font and
color scheme are identical to the Haunted Mansion's promotional
materials. There's even a reference to one of the ride's iconic
quotes on the Krustyland map encouraging guests to visit the "999
unhappy teen employees" in contrast to the "999 happy haunts" at
the Haunted Mansion.
Many of the references are obvious like with Pirates of the
Caribbean, it's a small world, and The Hall of Presidents, but
some are pretty subtle. On the poster for the Sea Captain's ride
the boat/cars have the same striped canvases as the older Jungle
Cruise boats and the attacking octopus was similar to the attacking
squid in the now defunct 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea attraction
at Disney World and the earlier version of the Submarine Voyage
attraction at Disneyland.
There's even a reference to the Kitchen Cabaret show (later turned
to Food Rocks) that used to be in Epcot Center's the Land pavilion
with the Four Food Groups Singing Spectacular. These two shows were
really weird and absurd with anthropomorphized food singing about
good nutrition. As odd as these two shows were they had a very
campy charm to them and it's nice to see them remembered here.
Krusty even rips off Disneyland's title of "The Happiest Place on
Earth" with "The Krustiest Place on Earth." The Disney attraction
references fit in perfectly. It seems likely that Krusty would be
ripping off his ideas from existing theme park attractions.
*I could not figure out what the Happy Little Elves were singing
no matter how many times I tried. If anyone could decipher it I'd
like to hear it.
*The pay phone outside the Kwik-E-Mart giftshop has random
messages from Simpsons characters. Sometimes it rings and sometimes
you'll hear something when you just pick it up. I heard Bart, Selma,
Nelson, and Ralph. Nelson laughed at me for picking up a fake phone.
This capsule is © 2009 by Tim Reardon.
All quoted material remains property of The SimpsonsTM,
copyright of Twentieth Century Fox, and The Universal Studios.
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