Life on the Fast Lane

Life on the Fast Lane
(a.k.a. Jacques to be Wild)
                                                   Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                    Directed by David Silverman

TV Guide synopsis

Homer's birthday present ``for Marge'' is a bowling ball, prompting Marge
to teach him a lesson by taking up the sport---and maybe also a handsome

Title sequence

The approach to Springfield Elementary fades into the Simpsons' home.

Did You Notice,

    ...Maggie spooning her breakfast onto the floor.
    ...the "new" Bowlorama.  (After the original was burnt down in
       "Moaning Lisa"?)
    ...Homer's fingernails at the restaurant.  (during ``What's that Patty?'')
    ...Maggie wondering how to consume the pizza Homer served to her.
    ...Maggie's bow is missing when Homer turns to put her to bed.
    ...the moon had three finger holes when Jacques drove Marge home.
    ...Marge's bunny slippers. (extra brownie points for finding exactly where.) Marge's fantasy, one of Jacques's trophies had a `love heart'.
    ...Jacques' ball is engraved, ``Jacques''.

Movie references

    + The Gay Divorcee
        - A divine dance number underscored by the music of Cole Porter. @{cjb}
    + An Officer and a Gentleman
        - The final sequence is virtually identical.
    + Born to be Wild (song by Steppenwolf)
        - alternate title
    + Life In The Fast Lane (song by The Eagles)
        - alternate title

Freeze Frame Fun

In The Singing Sirloin

The Singing Sirloin -- Home of Ballads and Salads.
Stained-glass rib-eye steak in the window.

At the alley

Beginners Welcome
League Sign-Ups NOW!!
You can't bowl without a lane.
You can't wear street shoes on the lane.

Comments and other observations

P B J & L?

From: (Todd Day) 13 Dec 90, courtesy of Brendan Kehoe.

    Speaking of goofs, did anyone notice Homer's sandwich changing colors
    in "Jacques to be Wild"?  When he is contemplating how Marge
    made his sandwich... His sandwich shows green on the side, indicating
    lettuce like his coworker's sandwich.  However, after we see a close up of
    Homer talking about how his wife makes great PBnJ sandwiches, his
    sandwich has purple oozing out of it, indicating jelly...


From: (Peter J Capelli)

    Lisa [& Bart] went through the "12 stages of divorce for kids" from
    "Childhood is Hell":

         1. Disbelief
         2. Denial
         3. Fear
         4. Anger
         5. Bargaining             (Self-pity)
         6. Shame
         7. Depression
         8. Self-pity
         9. Out-of-body-experience
        10. Empty feeling
        11. Looking ahead
        12. Secret hope

Bjorn to be Jacques

    Why is this episode titled ``Jacques to be Wild?''  According to Bob

         The original story had Marge taking lessons with a Swedish tennis
         instructor named Bjorn.  Hence, the original title made more sense:
         "Bjorn to be Wild"

    Apparently, the producers decided to change the name to something that
    made a bit more sense, ``Life on the Fast Lane,'' but wound up going with
    a modified version of the original title.

Other comments

    Chris:  The song goes, ``Oh, you're having my baby.  What a lovely way to
    say how much I love you.''  I disagree that he is proposing to his

    Jacques massages her hands over a steam vent...
    You've obviously NEVER BOWLED IN YOUR LIFE!  That's not a steam vent.
    It's a cold-air vent for you to dry your hand over.

    - Who was looking after Maggie when Marge and Jacques where at Brunch?
    - The SNPP technician has a different voice to that used in 8F13.

Maggie falls
    - When Bart and Lisa bring the birthday breakfast into the bedroom.
    - As Bart & Lisa cry out ``HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY!''
    - During Homer's ``A very... thoughtful gift.''
    - During Lisa's ``I think he forgot mom.''
    - After she hands the empty pizza box to Homer.

Floor plan inconsistencies, etc
    - There's no ceramic chicken on the kitchen corner table!
    - The kids moved the microwave towards the window. (Lisa needed to use the
      benchtop to make her cake, I presume.)  And the kids either had an
      egg-fight earlier on, or Lisa is a sloppy cook.

References appearing in other episodes,
    [7G01]  The Chez Perrie restaurant
    [7G10]  The Rusty Barnacle
    [7F02]  The mourners at the Singing Sirloin
    [7F20]  The Tackle box?
    [8F19]  The green bowling ball ``Homer''

Music in this episode
    Paul Tomko notes that the final music (before the end credits) was ``Theme
    Song From an Officer and a Gentleman,'' which is an instrumental, and not
    the Joe Cocker version of ``Up Where We Belong,'' as you might have assumed.

Can Anyone Explain the joke

I bet you don't know how to make a 5-7-10
         split do you Marge?  [Marge: `'Noo'']  But first of all you yell
         ``The eight pin is a cop!'' [Marge cracks up]  Let it all out
         Marge,  Let it out Marge.  Laugh out loud, you'll lose me.
Marge:   [recovering] You're very funny.

Quotes and scene summary


 The Simpsons' kitchen is a disaster area, due no doubt to Bart and
 Lisa's well-intentioned attempt at cooking.
   Lisa: This is going to be the best birthday breakfast Mom ever had!
   Bart: [looking to plate of 42 pancakes]  Hey Lis, you think that's enough
         for her?
   Lisa: Maybe one more.
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Lisa removes a cake from the microwave.
   Lisa: I hope she likes the presents we got her.
   Bart: [produces a 10-litre jug labelled `French Perfume' (in English)]
         Well, I know she'll like mine.  Who wouldn't like a bottle of real
         French perfume?  All the way from gay Pari!  Foooouuur bucks (plus tax).
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Bart is not impressed by Lisa's hand-made birthday card---until he
 sees it.  Lisa mixes the icing for the cake, and Bart makes dips
 on licking the beater.
   Bart: I get to lick the beaters!
   Lisa: [hands him the electric mixer]
   Bart: Whago, agh agh aghh!  Weetha!  Mugh humgb ipht paht im dapt beiter,
         Mugh humgb!
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 The kids tip-toe into the bedroom carrying a breakfast tray,
 starring a monumental stack of pancakes.
   Bart+Lisa: HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY!
   Homer: [alarmed]  Aaggh!  Whaa... What!
   Lisa:  Here's your birthday breakfast!
   Marge: [delighted]  Ooh!  Well isn't this nice!
   Homer: My birthday?
   Lisa:  No!
   Homer: It's my birthday!  What did I get?  I <love> birthdays!
   Marge: [angrily]  No Homer, it's mine!
   Bart:  You don't even know your own wife's birthday?
   Homer: Well, of, ... of course I know!  Sure!  [nudges Marge with his elbow]
          You really thought I'd forgot, didn't you?  [gets out of bed]
   Bart:  Oh, right.  What did you get her Dad?
   Lisa:  Yeah, whadja get?
   Homer: [getting dressed]  A very... thoughtful gift... But it's a surprise!
          [stretches his arms]  You know it's such a beautiful morning, I think
          I'll take a little stroll around the block.  [leaves the room.
          We hear the pit-pat of feet accelerating down the stairs and into the
          car, followed by the squeal of car tyres.]
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Notes Lisa, ``I think he forgot, Mom.''

 Homer speeds his car into the parking lot of the Springfield Mall,
 to find that the mall has not yet opened for trading.  Fortunately,
 the wait for the mall to open is brief.  Walking through the mall,
 Homer rejects each of the shops he passes.

Homer hurries in underneath the security door.  He passes by the International
House of Answering Machines (``Ahh, No.''),  The Jerky Hut (``Too salty!''),
The Ear Piercery (``Umm, Naah!''),  The Carmel [sic] Corn Warehouse (``Naah,
too Corny''),  and past Girdles N' Such -- Fancy Lingerie (``Too exciting!'').

When Homer returns from the mall, he is whistling, ``In the Hall of
the Mountain King'' from ``Peer Gynt'' by Grieg.

 Marge is on the phone to her sisters.
   Marge: Patty, he's out buying me something right now.
   Patty: Oh Marge, he never gets you anything <you> want.  He always gets
          something for himself.
   Selma: [mumbles]  The tackle box...
   Patty: Remember when he got you the tackle box?
   Selma: [mumbles]  ... and the Chung calendar.
   Patty: And when he `surprised' you with the Connie Chung calendar?
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Marge answers, ``I'm sure he doesn't do it deliberately.''

 At a sporting supplies store, Homer inspects a green bowling ball.

 Patty offers to take Marge someplace fun to celebrate:  The Singing
 Sirloin.  Marge isn't so sure she wants to go to a restaurant where
 the waiters sing.

 Homer lugs a gift-wrapped present into the house and stashes it in
 the closet.  The perfect crime.  Marge tells Homer they're having
 dinner at the Singing Sirloin.  Homer likes the idea---until he
 learns that Marge's sisters will also be there.

That night at the Singing Sirloin,  Mr & Mrs Winfield celebrate their
wedding anniversary (``..oh we danced, on the night, we were wed...''), a
young man proposes to his very pregnant girlfriend (``, what a lovely
way to say how much I love you...''), and a funeral party [pun unavoidable]
sit through ``nearer my God to thee''.

The singers sing, ``Happy 34th Birthday''

 At the Simpsons' table at the Singing Sirloin, Marge opens her
 presents.  She is overwhelmed by the scent from Bart's jug of perfume.
 Meanwhile, the Bouvier twins quietly comment on how thirty-four
 years old is ``Time enough to start over with a new man.''
   Lisa:  I think she likes my present better.
   Bart:  Does not!
   Lisa:           |Does too!
   Bart:           |         |Does not!
   Lisa:           |         |         |Does too!
   Bart:           |         |         |         |Does not!
   Lisa:  Then how come she's not putting on any of your perfume?
   Bart:  [worried]  Yeah...  Hey Mom, how come you're not putting on any of my
   Marge: [diplomatically]  Well I'm saving it... for a special occasion.
   Bart:  What the hell are you talking about?  There's gallons of it!
   Homer: [barks] Bart!
   Marge: [eyes darting]  But this occasion is already so special,
          if we make it any <more> special, we might end up making it
          <less> special.
   Bart:  Gotcha!  [to Lisa]  I told you she liked mine better.
   Lisa:  Oh, brother.
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Homer calls the waiters to the table, who sing ``Happy 34th
 birthday, Mrs. Homer Simpson.''  Homer hands over his gift, but the
 bottom of the box falls out, depositing a green bowling ball
 (engraved ``Homer'') atop the birthday cake.  All are shocked
   Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off. [looking to the ball]
          Beauty, isn't she?
   Marge: Well it's hard for me to judge, SINCE I'VE NEVER BOWLED IN MY LIFE!
   Homer: Well if you don't want it, I know someone how does...
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Marge blows out the surviving candle on her cake with a huff.

 [End of Act One]

 That evening in bed, Homer tries to defend his gift selection to
 Marge, who has clearly seen through his ruse.  To Homer's surprise,
 Marge accepts the gift and thanks him.

 Marge enters Barney's (new) Bowl-a-rama, carrying her birthday
   Marge:     Excuse me, where do I throw this?
   Attendant: Over there.
   Marge:     Thank you.  [heads off]
   Attendant: Hey---wait a minute!  You're going need a lane!
   Marge:     No thanks, I'm just here out of spite.
   Attendant: [pointing to sign reading...]  Can't bowl without a lane.
   Marge:     Well, all right.
   Attendant: [hands her a scoresheet]  Here you go... you keep score on this.
              What sized shoes you wear?
   Marge:     Never you mind!
   Attendant: [pointing to another sign]  Can't wear street shows on the lane.
              You gotta wear bowling shoes.  What size please?
   Marge:     [grudgingly]  Hmhmm... Thirteen double A.
   Attendant: Thirteen double A!!!  [whistles in amazement]  The closest I've
              got is a nine and a fifteen.
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Marge takes her lane, puts on her bowling shoes...
   They're a little warm and moist.
   -- Marge puts on (rented) bowling shoes, ``Jacques to be Wild''
 ... steps up to the toe line, gets the basic idea, then hurtles the
 bowling ball down the lane (thump-thump-thump), knocking over the
 seven pin.  In the next land, a male bowler bowls a strike and
 collects a wager, to the cheers of adoring women.  He then spots
 Marge.  Marge gives the bowling ball another heave, and she knocks
 over the seven pin---in the next lane.
   Marge:  I'm awfully sorry!
   Bowler: Entirely my fault.  It's nice to meet you...
           [looks at her bowling ball]  Homer.
   Marge:  No no.  Homer is my... ball's name.
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Marge fills in her scoresheet.  The man approaches.  As he talks to
 her, we see him caressing her hand in the overhead projector.
   Bowler:  Your fingers are so slender, so feminine.  They're far too tapered
            for the ball you are using.  You need something lighter, more
            delicate.  Here, use my ball.
   Marge:   No, no thank you Mister... [looking at his bowling ball] Brunswick.
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Marge declines Jacques' offer.
   Many people have senseless attachments to heavy clumsy things such as
   this Homer of yours.
   -- Jacques, ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Jacques offers to give Marge bowling lessons, and Marge agrees after
 some prodding.  He asks her to throw the ball, and she does.  Again,
 she knocks over only the seven pin.  ``I can hit that one pin all
 right, but the rest of them don't even wobble.''  Jacques moves
 Marge to his lane and instructs her to ``Throw, damn you!''  She
 does.  A strike!
   Marge:   You're a very good teacher!
   Jacques: Yes I am a very good teacher and I can teach you everything.  I can
            tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean.  Which frame
            is the beer frame.
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Jacques then tells a leetle joke and is enchanted by Marge's
   Marge:   What do you charge for lessons?
   Jacques: Twenty-five dollars.
   Marge:   [shocked]  Twenty five dollars!
   Jacques: [leaning forward]  A forty-dollars value!
   -- ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Marge agrees.  ``When do we start?''  Jacques takes her hand. ``We
 have already begun.''

 At home, Homer serves dinner.
   Hot pizza, the food of kings!
   -- Homer serves dinner, ``Jacques to be Wild''
 Homer looks forward to spending more time with the kids.  They eat
 in silence.  ``Does the time always drag like this?''

 Jacques introduces Marge to the bowling lane, up close and personal.
   Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane.  Feel the slickness, feel the
            slippery finish. Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?
   Marge:   Oh, very smooth.
   Jacques: Smooth?
   Marge:          |Yes, very.
   Jacques:        |          |Yes?
   Marge:          |          |    |Yes.
   Jacques:        |          |    |    |Yes.
   Marge:          |          |    |    |    |Smooth.
   Jacques:        |          |    |    |    |       |Smooth.
   Marge:          |          |    |    |    |       |       |Yes.
   Jacques:        |          |    |    |    |       |       |    |Yes.
    :        You could eat off of it.
   Marge:   Hmmmm...
   Jacques: You hungry?
   Marge:   Yes.
    Jacques: [yelling]  Four Onion rings!
   Back at the house,
    Lisa:  [finishing her pizza]  Hummm!  Deliciouso!
    Bart:  My compliments to the delivery boy.
    Homer: Ok, we've eaten and eaten well.  Now what else do we have to do?
           Well, let's check the list your Mom left us...  Eat, huhmmmm,
           [ticks with a pencil]  Oh, clean up!  Now don't worry everybody, this
           will be a breeze if we all pitch in.  [they form a human chain to the
           bin]  Allright!  We're clean!  Now we'll... [looks to Maggie]
           Put Maggie to bed.
   In Maggie's bedroom.  Homer, Bart and Lisa stand beside Maggie's cot.
    Homer,Bart and Lisa:
           Lullaby, and goodnight,
           come to bed and sleep tight.
           Close your eyes, start to yawn.
           Pleasant dreams until the dawn.
   Homer is exhausted.  Later that night Marge enters the bedroom dressed in her
   sleeping gown.
    Marge: Homer, Homer?
    Homer: Huh?  Wah?  Oh,  How was bowling?
    Marge: It's a very challenging hobby.
    Homer: Heh heh,  It's a sport dear.  It's a sport you silly thing.
    Marge: But I think I'll do much better tomorrow night.
    Homer: [shocked/surprised]  Oh!  You're going back?
    Marge: Oh sure, if you don't mind taking care of the kids again.
    Homer: [confused]  Oh, no,  I don't mind.
   They say goodnight to each other.  At Marge's next bowling lesson, Jacques
   gives her a bowling glove.
    Marge:   Jacques!  It fits, you got it in my size and it has my name on it.
             It's really for me!
    Jacques: [thrusts himself upon her]  Seventeen fifty, enjoy it my darling.
   Marge bowls and leaves only a single pin standing, then looks to Jacques
   pleased with her improvement.  Jacques massages her hands over a steam vent,
   and they look into each others' eyes.  He fits Marge out with a new pair of
   bowling shoes (nb: four toes), teaches her to hold a ball correctly, assists
   marking the scoresheet, helps her to dip a onion ring, more gazing into each
   others' eyes, the final bowling pin topples...
   Jacques gives Marge a lift home.
    Marge:   You didn't have to drop me off.
    Jacques: But I wanted to. [grasps her hand]  Marge, do you know how beautiful
             you look in the moonlight?
    Marge:   Errrr, Jacques!  I'm a married woman!
    Jacques: I know, I know.  My mind says stop, but my heart, and my hips, cry
             proceed.  [Marge reacts accordingly]  Marge darling, I - I want to
             see you tomorrow.  Not at Barney's Bowlorama, away from the
             thunderous folly of clattering pins.  Meet me tomorrow for Brunch.
    Marge:   What's Brunch?
    Jacques: You'd love it,  It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but
             it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end.  You don't get
             completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!
    Marge:   I don't think so.
    Jacques: Marge, darling.  There are ten pins in my heart, you've knocked
             over eight.  Won't you please pick up that spare?
    Marge:   [hesitantly]  Mmmm, mmmmm... All right!
   Marge returns to bed.  Homer feels something has changed between them, but
   isn't able to express it.  They fall asleep isolated from each other.
   The next morning,  Otto pulls up in front of the house.
    Bart:  O-ho!  School bus!
    Marge: [holding two grocery bags full of goodies]  Here you go kids,
           Special lunches!  Lots of good things for growing bodies, [Bart and
           Lisa look to each other bewildered]  and some treats just for fun.
    Bart:  Aye Carumba!
    Lisa:  Are you going bowling again tonight Mom?
    Marge: Yes I am, as a matter of fact.  [tops up their lunches, to Bart's
           delight, but Lisa is worried]  Here's more treats.  But don't worry,
           your Dad will take care of dinner.
    Bart:  [delighted]  Hmmm, Wednesday.  Hoagie night!
    Marge: [kisses Lisa]  Goodbye Lisa, my darling little Lisa.
           [kisses Bart]  Goodbye Bart, my special little guy.
   Bart and Lisa are sitting next to each other on the bus.  Bart has already
   started lunch.
    Bart: Hmm, Great lunches, hey Lis?
    Lisa: Oh Bart, don't you see?  This is what psychologists call Over-
          compensation,  Mom is racked with guilt because their marriage is
    Bart: Hey, don't rock the boat Man.  Whatever it is, we're making out like
    Lisa: Bart, I've read about what happens to kids who's parents no longer
          love and cherish each other.  They go through eight separate stages.
          Right now I'm in stage three, Fear.  You're in stage two, Denial.
    Bart: [whines]  No I'm not.
    Lisa: Yes you are.
    Bart: [angrily]  No I'm not!
    Lisa: Yes you are!
    Bart: Am not!  Am not!  Am not!
    Lisa: I stand corrected,
   Jacques inspects the brunch menu at a Cajun restaurant, while Marge nervously
   wrings a napkin in her hands.
    Jacques: Mimosa?
    Marge:   I'm a married woman, please don't call me that.
    Jacques: [laughs]  Nononono.  Mimosa is the name of the drink.  It's orange
             juice and champagne.  [laughs]  You're so wonderful that you thought
             it was something offensive.
    Marge:   [accepting the compliment]  Oooo, well thank you.
   Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the Minister recognizes Marge (who tries to
   hide behind a menu.)
    Helen:   [at 78rpm]  I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when
             I looked over this way and said to myself, Huh!  Isn't that Marge
             Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband?
             [Jacques is annoyed, Marge forces a smile].  Ha ha, and I just had
             to come over and say Hello!
    Marge:   We're..  um..
    Helen:   Oh, don't squirm on my account.
    Jacques: I am giving her a bowling lesson, thank you.  Now Marge, [using the
             salt shakers]  The pins on the 3-7-10 split would be here.  We'll
             make this little piece of food here the ball, the ball's bigger, you
             know that. [Helen suspects something]  but for food, this is a good
    Helen:   Ahem, well, byebye. [to Marge]  See you in church on Sunday, Marge.
    Marge:   [cheerlessly]  Good-bye Helen.
    Jacques: Goodbye Helen.  You have a lovely friend there, [Marge "Hmmm's"
             unhappily]  Let's hope something runs over her.  [Marge sniggers]
             Your laughter is like music to me, but if you laugh at what I say
             next, I will die.  For I am about to say something very serious,
             perhaps shocking.  Marge my darling, I want you to meet with me,
    Marge:   That doesn't shock me.
    Jacques: [reaching across the table]  Away from prying eyes, away from the
             Helen's of the world.  At my apartment, the Fiesta Terrace.
   Marge faints.
   She dreams, (with a definite bowling motif and a light grey and pink scheme.)
   Dressed in a apricot ballroom gown, she rings a doorbell and Jacques (dressed
   in a tuxedo) answers the door.  (``I've been waiting for you.  Come in my
   captivating one.'')  Curtains rise revealing the interior to his (lavishly
   furnished) apartment.  The two of them dance, and during a (whatever they call
   that dance movement) Marge notices a trophy case filled with awards.
    Marge:   You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.
    Jacques: Ha ha, [whispered]  I like you so much.  They're not for bowling
             Marge.  You're so naive,  They're for lovemaking!
    Marge:   Really?
   After a most stylish sequence of them dancing together, Marge rests at a
   cocktail bar and Jacques offers her a Champagne.  They sip with their arms
   entwined, then toss the glasses over their shoulders and resume dancing.
    Jacques: What cosmic force brought us together Marge?
    Marge:   Destiny!
    Jacques: Yes.  Some divine pin-spotter, must have placed us, side-by-side.
    Marge:   Like two fragile bowling pins.
    Jacques: Standing bravely.
    Marge:   Until inevitably,
    Jacques: We must topple.
   Marge's fantasy concludes.  Jacques is trying to revive her has she lies on
   the restaurant floor.
    Jacques: Marge!  Marge!  Speak to me!
    Marge:   Is Thursday ok?
    Jacques: It's ok indeed.
   Homer changes from his shirt in the bedroom and notices a photograph on the
   dressing table of him and Marge together.  He discovers the bowling glove in
   the dresser (``For... Marge?''), and sadly realizes that Marge must be seeing
   someone else.  He places the glove back in drawer and sits cheerlessly on the
   end of the bed.  Bart trots in with a baseball glove.
    Bart:  Hey Dad!  Whatawe say we toss the old apple around, huh?  Sound like
    Homer: Son, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball.
    Bart:  Come on Dad, get the lead out.
   Bart drags Homer out of the bedroom by the arm.  Homer stands listlessly at
   the far end of the backyard wearing a baseball glove.
    Bart:  [practicing his baseball]  Simpson checks the runner on first, he's
           cool(?) on sign.  Here's the windup,  and Heerree's the pitch,
           [beaning Homer on the forehead.  Homer slumps to the ground and
           Bart runs to him]  Dad, you didn't even say `Ouch!'
    Homer: Oh...  Sorry...  Ouch.
   Worried, Bart runs to Lisa (sitting underneath the porch light with Maggie).
    Bart: Lisa, Lisa, I think you're right about Dad.  There's something very
          very wrong here.
    Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three, Fear.
    Bart: [urgently]  Well come on!  We've got to do something man!
    Lisa: Sorry Bart, I would love to help you but I am mired in stage five,
   Bart runs back to Homer.
    Bart:  Look Dad, I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some
           advice that might help.
    Homer: I gave you advice?  Get outta here.
    Bart:  Yeah, you did.  You told me when something's bothering you, and you're
           too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut.
           At least that way you won't make things worse.
    Homer: Hmmm, good advice.
   Marge is in the kitchen making sandwiches.  Homer enters and almost reaches
   for his wife's hand, but pauses to pick up his lunch box instead.  As he is
   about to leave through the back door, he turns around and looks to Marge.
    Homer: Marge, may I.. speak to you?
    Marge: Sure.
    Homer: You know, I've been thinking.  Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly
           sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the
           guy's hands get all sticky.  But your jelly stays right in the middle
           where it's supposed to.  I don't know how you do it.  You've just got
           a gift I guess, and I've always thought so,  I've just never
           mentioned it.  But it's time you knew how I feel.  I don't believe in
           keeping feelings bottled up.  [pause]  Goodbye my wife.
    Marge: ...Goodbye Homer.
   In his apartment at the Fiesta Terrace, Jacques prepares himself in front of
   the bathroom mirror.
    Jacques: To the most beautiful moment in life,  Better than a deed, better
             than a memory, the moment... of anticipation!
    Jacques: Oh Jacques, you handsome devil.  Look at you,  You're really going
             to  STRIKE OUT TONIGHT!
   The SNPP during lunch-time.  Homer sits staring forlornly at his sandwich.
    Lenny: Ain't you hungry Homer?
    Homer: Starving.
    Lenny: Then why aren't you eating your sandwich?
    Homer: How can I eat it?  She made it,  It's all I have left.
   Homer packs up his sandwich and walks away.  The technician recognizes a
   ``Domestic Situation''.
   Marge is driving through Springfield on her way to see Jacques.  Stopping at
   the traffic lights she sees a wedding, and averts her eyes to the other
   direction only to see a young couple wheeling a pram.  The lights turn green
   and she speeds off.  At the next stop sign Marge uneasily watches a family at
   a picnic, and the elderly couple walking down the path at the next stop drives
   the point further, with the help of two gravestones side-by-side and two
   skeletons (costumes) holding hands.
   At the turnoff to the SNPP and the Fiesta Terrace, Marge initially heads
   towards the Fiesta, but skids to a halt and reverses to the SNPP.  She returns
   to the intersection and sits staring at the turnoff sign.
           bb    ##   b
           332_ 4444 1325 74__
                     .... .
   Marge enters the Power plant, to the surprise of all the workers clad in their
   radiation suits.  She marches down the main corridor, attracting the attention
   of everyone including Mr Burns.  Her silhouette passes a doorway, and finds
   Homer working unhappily at a waste separator.
    [Taps him on the shoulder]
    Homer: Marge!  What a lovely surprise!  You're hear to see me, right?
    Marge: Of course!  [cuddles and kisses him on the cheek]
   Homer picks her up and carries her past his cheering co-workers.  (``Way to go
   Homer, Way to Go!'')
    Worker: Hey, what will I tell the boss?
    Homer:  Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love,
            and I won't be back for ten minutes!
   Continued applause and cheering from the other employees.  Marge wears Homer's
   Safety helmet as he carries her outside into the sunset.
   Episode summary artist: Chris J. Baird, <>
   Also Starring,
       - Albert Brooks  (as Jacques)
       - Maggie Roswell (as Helen Lovejoy)

Boring distribution restrictions

Episode summaries Copyright 1992 by [Someone.  This capsule was really
confusing].  Updated 2001 Andrew A. Gill.  Unattributed discrepancies between
this and the previous revisions are mine.  I am not having someone's baby.
Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm just
taking credit for the compilation.)

HTML conversion by
Howard Jones( on Sat 10 Sept 1994