The Simpsons Archive's Simpsons Syndication Cuts Guide Season Seven (1995-1996) "Syndication... is there anything they can't do?" Version 2.25 - 07 Apr 2001 Maintained by Chad Lehman With significant contributions from Tim Reardon Created by Frederic Briere [==========================[Season Seven Summary]===========================] Story cut episodes: All episodes were cut. Compressed episodes: All episodes were compressed. Added content: 3F07. Story cut episodes: 21:37 (21 min 37 sec) Total time added: 0:05 (0 min 5 sec) Total time gained: 35:30 (35 min 30 sec) ==[ 2F20 ]================================== Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two === CUTS: 80 seconds GAINED:113 seconds 20:00 / 21:53 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:56> (1:05) 6:09 / 7:14 Lisa: Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad, well, you kinda went berserk when he couldn't remember your name. % Homer: [screaming hysterically] Berserk is right! <0:04> % [delicate] Eh... may I have some iced tea, please? {Jason Hancock } ~~ Moe invites Homer in tearing down the sun blocker, which he eagerly accepts. % At the top of Mt. Sprinfield, several vehicles are pulling with ropes % at Burns' invention; Otto drives the school bus; Snake, a motorcycle; % Chespirito, a KMEX TV van; and Willy, his tractor -- "Pull, duchess, % pull!" he exhorts. They manage to break it free. It falls down the % side of the hill onto a town on the other side amid much crashing and <0:22> % screaming. % % Krusty: Um, uh... which town did we just crush? % Skinner: Shelbyville. % All: Yay! {Jason Hancock } ~~ Smithers: And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy. % Colossos: [in prison cell] Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to Dr. % Colossos! [laughs maniacally] <0:13> % [pushes "Colosso Boots" button in his belt] % [his boots send him right into the ceiling] % Ow! Ooh... [groans] When is my lawyer coming? {Liam J. Scanlan } ~~ Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man. Wiggum: Really? % Aw, jeez. [pushes a button, which opens a cell] % All right, Colossos, you're free to go. But stay away from <0:11> % Death Mountain. % Colossos: [sulky] But all my stuff is there... % Mel: [clears throat] I was referring to Waylon Smithers. {Liam J. Scanlan } ~~ Smithers: So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. [sniffs] That's much worse! % Krusty: About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean! <0:06> % [mimics lowering a lever] % [makes electrocuting sound effects] Sizzle! {Jason Hancock } ~~~~~ ACT II <0:16> (0:30) 7:48 / 8:18 Lisa: Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support -- sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine. <0:02> % Eddie: That's a *real* good way to get sick. {Jason Hancock } ~~ Abe: You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" <0:03> % "Who fell into the china hutch?" Marge: I was just asking if you'd seen it. There's no need to be a prickly pear. [walks out] % [her footsteps are heard off-screen for a brief moment] % Abe: [pulls gun from shirt and carresses it] % Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad. <0:11> % Marge: Were you talking to me, Grampa? % Abe: Um... yes... % Marge: [shudders] ~~~~~ ACT III <0:08> (0:18) 6:03 / 6:21 Lisa: And we don't even know whose gun that was. Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad. Marge: No... we can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart. % Abe: That's right. We've all gotta stick together if we're gonna <0:08> % have any hope of bringing that awful Homer to justice. {Jason Hancock } ~~ ! Taken from The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular: ! ! "To keep this bombshell secret, the producers animated several ! solutions that were never intended to air. [...] And to keep the ! show's animators, editors, staff, and hangers-on from leaking the ! solution, two completely different endings were produced: one real, ! one phony. Here's the ending you were never meant to see." Burns: The one who shot me was... # [camera pans to Smithers] |0:10| # Aah! Aah! Waylon Smithers! # Smithers: [pained] Noo! Wait a minute: yes. Burns: With the sun blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world. So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth. Flashback to Burns walking toward parking lot: Burns: I feel like celebrating. [sees Maggie] Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? [she smiles, holding up a lollipop] Burns: [gasps] I see. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby. But with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence. # Or so I thought -- but at the last moment, Smithers, drunk # as a lemur, lurched out of the darkness and fired. |0:16| # Smithers: [remembering] That's right. Right before I shot Jasper. # Hmm, I was busy that night. Burns: Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial. Lisa: Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S: |0:02| # "Waylon Smithers". Marge: Well, I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered and that we can all get back to normal. # Burns: Not exactly. Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm |0:11| # giving you a 5% pay cut. # Smithers: [howling] Ohh. ==[ 2F17 ]=============================================== Radioactive Man === CUTS: 52 seconds GAINED: 87 seconds 19:51 / 21:18 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:07> (0:19) 7:11 / 7:30 * Compression starts w/"Need know star rm pic" ~~ The hospital's sign: "Our extra patients make patient extras". % Homer flips through the channels quickly, and each person he flips % past says one syllable in the sentence, "Everyone is talking about % Radioactive Man, y'all." % % David Letterman: [waving, sitting behind desk] Ev-- % Scott Christian: [front view, sitting] er- % Woman: [interviewing Krusty] y-- % Troy McClure: [on Smartline set, sitting w/Stacy Lovell & % another guy] --one % Brad Goodman: [sitting w/group of women] is % Lady reporter: [outside the comic book shop] tal-- <0:07> % TV reporter: [comic graphic behind him] king-- % Financial analyst: ["caging" his fingers] a-- % Woman: [On Lifetime network, sitting in group, holding % a comic book] --bout % Carl: [Marty from Bill & Marty interviews Carl % outside the plant] ray-- % Angry reporter: [outside the school] di-- % Sally Jessy Raphael: oh-- % Birch Barlow: ac-- % Thin reporter: [on Springfield News] tive-- % Joan Rivers: [interviewing sexy woman] --ma- % Conan O'Brien: [interviewing two Kid & Play lookalikes] --an % Southern reporter: --y'all! The close up of the Little Rascals poster is shown, with a young Moe surrounded by the gang. ! Yes, there's an extra "man" syllable in there... ~~~~~ ACT II <0:45> (0:58) 7:31 / 8:29 Assistant: Ahem, I've got an idea Mr. Simpson. Why don't you get something to eat from our food truck? [Homer flies off; a cloud of dust retains his form] Mist -- Mr. Simpson? [pokes at dust] % Krusty walks into a trailer. % % Krusty: You've got to give me the part of Crispy the Clown! % Director: I'm sorry: you're wrong for the part. % Krusty: But look at my range! [holds out photograph] <0:27> % [pictures show Krusty laughing, frowning, saluting in a % sailor cap, and looking through a microscope] % Assistant: Well, I'm sorry: Crispy the Clown has been cast. But I % will hire you for Angry the Crown, Silly Sailor, and Dr. % Clownius. % Krusty: I _won't_ let you down. [the men leave] % Well, I _might_ let you down on Silly Sailor. ! Someone might fail to notice that Krusty's three parts coincide with ! three of his "range" photos. I know this has nothing to do with the ! actual synd cut, but if I don't mention it here, the fact may be ! lost. Also--when Rainier Wolfcastle (as RM) says "I can't believe ! Silly Sailor beat us both up, [yadda yadda] and imprisoned us in ! this Aquaworld"--we're left to explain who "Silly Sailor" is. Upon ! finally seeing 2F17 unsyndicated, now I know where "Silly Sailor" ! comes from. ~~ X-ray machine blasts Milhouse's face; his skull becomes visible % Close up on can of paint at a man's feet. Nelson, Ralph, and Martin % watch a two men wearing "lightning bolt caps" paint black patches on % a horse. % <0:14> % Martin: Uh, Sir, why don't you just use real cows? % Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses. % Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a % horse? % Painter: Ehh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together. ~~ The damage left in the wake of the acid wave is total. Director: [angry] Where in the hell is Milhouse? That one shot cost us a million dollars!" % Krusty: [off-screen; just as angry] Where's the producer? % % Krusty is wearing large, red novelty glasses & a white lab coat-- <0:04> % presumably as "Dr. Clownius". He holds a styrofoam cup. % % Krusty: I want [points] to talk [points] a-bout [points] this % coffee! [points] ~~~~~ ACT III <---> (0:10) 5:09 / 5:19 ==[ 3F01 ]======================== Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily === CUTS: 52 seconds GAINED: 76 seconds 20:06 / 21:22 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:10> (0:18) 6:20 / 6:38 * Compression starts when Marge looks at the tickets. ~~ At the spa, Marge and Homer lie in mud baths. A woman's voice intones soothingly, "All is well...all is well." [MR] Suddenly, a man's voice cuts in: "Turn tape over!" The tape rewinds, % then resumes its gentle chanting. The Simpson parents sink % blissfully into the mud. <0:06> % % Homer/Marge: Ahhhhhh.... ~~ Marge: Mmm! [reading] "Squalid hell hole?" "Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion?" % "Dogs mating on dining room table?" <0:04> % [looking guilty, SLH whines and lies down] ~~~~~ ACT II <0:30> (0:35) 7:26 / 8:01 Lisa: You don't understand. Mom and Dad take good care of us. [one of her teeth falls out] That was a baby tooth. [whistles on the "th"] It was loose! [whistles on the "s"] % Agent 2: Don't you worry, little girl. We'll get you some nice <0:04> % dentures. ~~ Laughing, Itchy smashes a bottle, and uses it to dig two big bloody chunks out of Scratchy's chest. Scratchy collapses, and Itchy walks over him into the house, then back out again with a TV. % He walks away laughing, leaving a trail of bloody footprints. % <0:09> % Scratchy: [weeps weakly] Why? Why? My only son... Oh... Oh... % [collapses dead] Bart and Lisa laugh. Rod and Todd, however, are pale and frightened. Rod: Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears? Ned: Uh, duh--that's, uh-- just... raspberry jam. Todd: Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did? Ned: No, son. No siree, Bob. % Bart still looks excited from the cartoon. He looks up at Ned, <0:02> % then back at the TV. ~~ <0:05> % Five seconds of Ned and Maggie�s peekaboo is cut. ~~ Marge: It's so quiet here without the kids. Homer: What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes. [talks into her saxophone to the tune of Beethoven's fifth] Sax-o-ma-phone! Sax-o-ma-phone! [sighs] Oh. [sits] % Marge: I miss the way Bart would say something, and then say "dude." % Homer: I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now. <0:10> % Marge: You mean Maggie? % Homer: That's it. Marge: I've never been separated from the kids for so long. ~~~~~ ACT III <0:12> (0:23) 6:20 / 6:43 Ned: Today we write a new page in the Flanders Family Bible! [he leads the kids into the water] Who wants to be the first to enter God's good graces? [Bart and Lisa point to each other] % A couple of movers haul Reverend Lovejoy's train track across the % road. % % Lovejoy: Easy... Easy... % % As they reach the middle of the road, tires squeal, and Homer's car % smashes through the track. <0:12> % % Lovejoy: [looking heavenward] Oh, why do you hate my trains? % % Ned stands in the river wearing a white robe, holding a bible and % a golden goblet. Standing below him, Bart looks up at Ned forlornly. % Ned smiles, and nods. Homer and Marge arrive. ==[ 3F02 ]=========================================== Bart Sells His Soul === CUTS: 49 seconds GAINED: 82 seconds 19:58 / 21:20 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <----> (0:12) 8:36 / 8:48 * Compression starts with the children reciting Lovejoy's threats. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:08> (0:17) 5:01 / 5:18 Homer watches Moe's ad on TV: Moe: And remember our guarantee: if I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me: % Uncle Moe's! % [smiles right into the camera; giggles by moments] <08> % [the jingle plays] % TV: Come to Uncle Moe's for family fun, it's good, good, good, % good, good good-good! Homer: Mmm. Sounds good. ! CC did not cut "Uncle Moe's". BTW, note *again* that Homer's line ! loses all its meaning. ~~~~~ ACT III <0:41> (0:53) 6:21 / 7:14 Wiggum: Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. Man: [yells mostly unintellegible stuff, one line being something along "you stole my $50"] Wiggum: Now, slow down, slow down. Man: [raves some more, something about "Albert Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had"] % Wiggum: Who's been stealing your thoughts? % Man: [something about "The Olde Curiosity Shoppe" and "John <07> % Gielgud" -- I hear "and they pull everything" among this % mess] ! If someone manages to decipher this dialect, I'd be glad to hear ! about it. ~~ Moe closes down his Family Feedbag. Moe: Go on, take it all. Get it all out of here. Barney: You know, Moe, you might wanna keep the fire extinguishers. Moe: Nah. Too many bad memories. % Barney: Well, look at the bright side, Moe: you still got us. % Moe: Yeah. Yeah, you know, that -- that actually makes me feel a % little better. % Homer: Why? That was the problem in the first place: you were going % broke because we were your only customers. % [Moe stares down, depressed] % Wasn't that the problem in the first place? That you were % going broke? <34> % [Moe doesn't move a muscle] % Moe? Moe? Hey, Moe? Oh, you're thinking about all the money % you blew, aren't you? % [Moe nods] % What was it? Fifty, sixty thousand dollars? Moe? Look, maybe % it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from % the beginning. Moe? % Moe: [finally loses it] What?! % Homer: Let me get a pad. ==[ 3F03 ]=========================================== Lisa the Vegetarian === CUTS: 52 seconds GAINED: 82 seconds 19:59 / 21:21 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:41> (0:43) 4:40 / 5:23 OFF watches "The Three Little Pigs": Homer: Aw, it was good, but not great. % Next, they're inside the Three Bears' house for Goldilocks. % % Father Bear: Somebody's been sleeping in *my* bed. % Mother Bear: [distorted by some technical problem] % Somebody's been sleeping in *my* bed. % Baby Bear: Somebody's been sleeping in *my* bed. % Grampa: Well, I'm sorry but it was 150 degrees in the car. % <41> % Bart approaches the Toddlerville Trolley. A green elf says "You must % be shorter then this to ride", but Bart maliciously limbos under the % elf's arm, singing "Limbo Rock". Snickering, he hops a train car; "So % long, suck--" he shoots, when his face hits the tunnel opening and % pushes the tunnel along, uprooting poles and trees throughout the % way. Finally, train, tunnel and Bart bump into Paul Bunyan's statue, % whose his axe chops Mother Goose's head off. All the children on the % train cheer after this much enjoyment. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:11> (0:29) 9:13 / 9:42 Bart: [in conga rhythm] You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! Homer+Bart: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! % You don't win friends with salad! % Both+Marge: You don't win friends with salad! % You don't win friends with salad! <11> % You don't win friends with salad! % Lisa: Mom! % Marge: I didn't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the % rhythm. {Liam J. Scanlan } ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:10) 6:06 / 6:16 ==[ 3F04 ]======================================= Treehouse of Horror VI === CUTS: 49 seconds GAINED: 86 seconds 19:50 / 21:16 Complete special opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:16> (0:27) 6:00 / 6:27 * Compression starts at Zip Boys. ~~ Technical difficulties sign appears on TV. % Otto drives the school bus. He suddenly jams on the brakes. The Red % Devil Realty mascot (a devil) picks up the bus as children scream. % % Otto: Whoa, another acid flashback. Man, I'd hate to be driving a <0:16> % bus right now! % % The devil peeks inside. Elsewhere, Mr. Peanut, the Planters % mascot, picks up a car full of people, opens it like a peanut, and % pops the people into his mouth. While writing a ticket for an expired meter, Chief Wiggum spies a large man walking out of a store. He pulls his gun and shoots him. ~~~~~ ACT II <----> (0:16) 7:17 / 7:33 ~~~~~ ACT III <0:33> (0:43) 6:33 / 7:16 Lisa: Well, where's my Dad? Frink: Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual (who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee) that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...[the lights go off] the third dimension. % Alarmed at the darkness, Frink looks over his shoulder. % % Lisa: [turning the lights back on] Sorry. % Frink: [drawing on a blackboard] Here is an ordinary square -- % Wiggum: Whoa, whoa -- slow down, egghead! % Frink: -- but suppose we exte-end the square beyond the two % dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical Z axis, <0:33> % there. % Everyone: [gasps] % Frink: This forms a three-dimensional object known as a "cube", % or a "Frinkahedron" in honor of its discoverer, n'goohey, % n'hey. % Homer: [disembodied] Help me! Are you helping me, or are you % going on and on? % Frink: Oh, right. And, of course, within, we find the doomed % individual. Wiggum: Enough of your borax, poindexter! A man's life is at stake... We need action! ==[ 3F05 ]=============================================== King-Size Homer === CUTS: 46 seconds GAINED: 82 seconds 20:02 / 21:24 ~~~~~ ACT I <----> (0:13) 7:42 / 7:55 * Compression starts when Homer asks where Charlie is. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:46> (1:01) 8:09 / 9:10 Farmer: Oh, no! The corn. Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke. ! This line was dubbed at the last minute, as it was originally meant ! to be "Jolly Time". Last-minute changes are never perfect, and ! captioning of the original episode wasn't edited accordingly. This ! was corrected in syndication, where captioning indeed reads "Paul ! Newman". ~~ Lisa: Mom! This whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad? Marge: Mmm... I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. % Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked <06> % for a week and then closed his detective agency. ~~ Marge: I'm going out. I run errands during the day. Homer: Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer? [door slams] % [moans] % % A little while later, Homer boringly presses the "Y" key (much % thinner than the other ones), almost drifting to sleep, when he hears % a sqeaking. % % Homer: [gaps] The mail. The mail is here! % [rushes to the door and picks up the mail] % Ooh. % [reads one letter] "An urgent plea from Edward James Olmos." <40> % [reads another one] "Lisa Simpson: Can you afford to miss % another issue of the Utne Reader?" % [chuckles] Kids. % [gasps as something else slides through the mail slot] % Free sample of fabric softener? Woo-hoo! % % He goes down to the basement and dries his hat. % % Homer: [putting it on] Mmm... I _can_ feel three kinds of softness. % Lisa: [from upstairs] Dad, what are you doing down there? % Homer: Washing my fat guy hat, honey. Later that day, he watches "Search for the Sun". ! Both the start and end of this cut were fade-ins, with much of ! overlapping. In syndication, the soundtrack of "Search for the Sun" ! overlaps on the previous scene. However, this also means Homer's ! moaning was cut, rendering the whole scene useless. ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:08) 4:11 / 4:19 ==[ 3F06 ]================================================ Mother Simpson === CUTS: 51 seconds GAINED: 83 seconds 20:07 / 21:30 Original couch ! Much more cuts than usual, but they don't amount to a large figure; ! this syndicated episode is actually the longest non-ToH there is, ! on par with 9F15 and 1F13. In fact, it seems as the whole season is ! generating rather long syndies, which could mean syndicators are ! growing leninent on cuts -- let's keep praying! ~~~~~ ACT I <0:15> (0:20) 4:56 / 5:16 Marge: Homer? Homer: That's my name. Marge: When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no. You go downtown first thing in the morning and straighten this out. % Lisa: Mom! Dad! Bart ran into a doorframe and bit his tongue! <06> % Bart: [lisping] What the heh'th goin' on heah? ~~ Homer: I thought you were dead! Grandma: I thought _you_ were dead! % Gravedigger: Oh, dang blast it. Isn't anybody in this dad-gummed % cemetery dead? <09> % Hans: [in a coffin] I didn't want to cause a fuss, but now % that you mention it... % [the coffin lowers into the hole] ! Now, what do you think of _that_ as for the end of an act? ~~~~~ ACT II <0:15> (0:32) 9:24 / 9:56 Grandma: You must have been so upset. But I suppose Abe has his reasons. <01> % Homer: Yeah... Well, where have you been all this time? ~~ ! Ricardo Lafaurie notes that the captioning after Homer "spoils the ! moment" indicates a car honking, possibly signifying there's a cut ! joke about the taxi driver in that scene. (Remember, he was ! interrogated in the 3rd act, coming out of nowhere.) ~~ Marge: I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You _had_ to leave to protect your family. % Lisa: How did you survive? % Grandma: Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry % Reuben gave me a job marketing his line of health shakes, I <14> % proofread Bobby Seale's cookbook, and I ran credit checks at % Tom Hayden's Porsche dealership. % Homer: Wait a minute... There's one thing I don't understand: in all those years, why didn't you ever try to contact me? ~~~~~ ACT III <0:21> (0:31) 5:47 / 6:18 Smithers: Uh, Sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Burns: Of course _you'd_ say that: you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter. Gannon: At any rate, the FBI will track down this mystery woman and put her behind bars. [he and Friday walk away] % [outside Burns' office, they close the door] % Gannon: How does it happen, Joe? % Friday: How does what happen? % Gannon: How does a sweet young lady mortgage her future for a bunch % of scraggly ideals and greasy-haired promises? <21> % Friday: Maybe she thought the war on southeast Asia was so immoral, % her end justified the means. % Gannon: Gee, Joe, you haven't been the same since your son went % crazy in Vietnam. % Friday: It's a pain that never ends. % [they nod and walk away as the "Dragnet" theme plays] ~~ ! Another last-minute replacement: the song "Waterloo" was put in ! instead of "Don't You Want Me, Baby?". Captioning in the original ! version wasn't edited accordingly, but I didn't have the chance to ! check this out in syndication. ==[ 3F08 ]================================== Sideshow Bob�s Last Gleaming === CUTS: 61 seconds GAINED: 87 seconds 19:53 / 21:20 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:23> (0:27) 7:41 / 8:08 Homer, Marge, Lisa and Bart are excited by news of the Air Show in the Springfield Shopper. All but Marge: Yeah! Yes. All right! Marge: [nonplussed] Yeah. % Lisa: I want to meet the first female Stealth Bomber pilot. % During the Gulf War she destroyed seventy mosques and % her name is Lisa too. <0:16> % Bart: I want to see some birds get sucked into the engines. % _Rare_ ones. % Marge: This year I'm making ear plugs out of biscuit dough. % [the oven bells sounds] % They're ready! ~~ * Compression starts with Hapablap's "Sweet Enola Gay, son." ~~ Sideshow Bob: [sly] Except, perhaps, a mushroom cloud... Bob pushes the bomb in a wheelbarrow, laughing louder and louder. <0:07> % Bob hits a bump, and carefully stops... he starts slowly, then begins % laughing again. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:38> (0:51) 7:20 /8:11 Hapablap: To slip the surly bonds of earth, and touch the face of God. To FLY! -- the dream of man and flightless bird alike. And now, hold on tight, % as we blast through the thrilling highlights of aviation % history! Say, did somebody say "box kites?" % Bart: No! <0:23> % [everyone groans as kids with box kites walk out, to % the strains of "Up, Up and Away"] % Martin: [into mic] The common box kite was originally used as a % means of drying wet string. Cut to a scene of Bob whistling while preparing the bomb. % "Up, up and away" is very load and screechy. Marge covers her ears. % <0:15> % Marge: Do they have to play that rock music? Every note is % pounding into my skull! % [the central part of the speaker shoots through her hair] % [turning around] Huh!? % % Bob lays wire, whistling. Hapablap: Anybody out there feel the need for speed? ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:09) 4:52 /5:01 ==[ 3F31 ]======================== The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular === CUTS: 51 seconds GAINED: 87 seconds 18:04 / 19:31 Original opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:51> (1:02) 5:17 / 6:19 Homer: We may be the best parents in the world. Marge: [sweetly] Mmm... Good night, dear. Homer: Good night. They kiss. % The three kids suddenly appear in the doorway, waving their arms % frantically and talking simultaneously. % % Bart: Dad, what you were saying about mind over matter? Could you % be more specific? % Lisa: Mom, are those bedbugs?! I see 'em! They're at the window! % They're look--!... % % Marge and Homer react. % % Marge: [sigh] All right, climb in. % <0:22> % The kids jump in. Bart next to Marge, Lisa next to Homer, and % Maggie between her parents. All three shiver. % % Homer: There's nothing to worry about. Now, everyone go to sleep. % Good night. % % The lights go off, and one by one, the family members close % their eyes. Maggie is last to shut her eyes. % % Maggie: Goo' nigh'. ~~ Lisa: And you'll be... Bartron, the evil robot from Mars, gone berserk. Bart flails his arms and falls, losing his balance. % Downstairs in the living room. Maggie stands in front of the couch, % Bart slightly to her left (our right), and Lisa to Bart's left. % Maggie salutes repeatedly. Lisa holds a mallet in her hands. % Bart tries (unsuccessfully) to remove the vase. The muffled tones % continue. The end of the couch nearest Maggie has been pulled a few % feet away from the wall. % % Lisa: Do I understand you correctly, Bartron? % Do you wish me to release you from the helmet of evil thoughts % with my enchanted space wand? % % Bart raises his arms and tries to say `Yes, yes, yes!', but it comes % out more like `Mmph, mmmph, mmmmmph!'. <0:29> % % Lisa: I will do it, Bartron. But who knows what mysterious forces % will be unleashed! % % Lisuey smashes the helmet. Bart's face is disfigured, his eyes % askew. % % Lisa: Oh no, inside the evil Bartron is a horrible mutant boy. % % Bart staggers, dazed. Lisuey and Magina have sought refuge behind % the couch. % % Lisa: [whispering] We'll be safe here 'til Mom and Dad, the evil % overlords, get home. ~~~~~ ACT II <----> (0:09) 4:40 / 4:49 ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:16) 8:07 / 8:23 ==[ 3F07 ]============================================ Marge Be Not Proud === CUTS: 48.5 seconds GAINED: 80 seconds 19:59 / 21:19 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:00.5> (0:08.5) 6:04 / 6:13 % After Homer tells Bart the story of his electric football game, he <0:00.5> % walks away. One of his three steps is cut. * Compression starts when Bart climbs into bed. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:38> (0:49) 6:57 / 7:46 The store Santa Claus crushes a candy cane. % Bart and the security guard walk back through where the mannequins <0:07> % are stored and up to his office. Brodka [security guard] lights a cigarette, and takes a puff. ~~ ! This line was in the syndicated version, yet not the original: Brodka: You know, that kind of mush might fly at Lamps Plus, but don't peddle it here. + If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, <-0:05>+ I�d be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length + of hose. Bart laughs nervously. Brodka: That's it, Mr. Comedian. I'm calling your parents! ~~ Brodka: Well, do you understand? Bart: Everything except "capice". % Brodka tries eating some cheez 'n' crackers, but the cracker breaks <0:08> % as he spreads the cheez on it. % % Brodka: Lousy, stinkin' piece of crap! ~~ Bart hides the answering machine tape. % In the kitchen, Marge opens the refrigerator. % % Marge: Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is egg nog. <0:15> % Homer: 'Tis the season, Marge! We only get thirty sweet noggy days. % Then the government takes it away again. [pours some on his % cereal] % Lisa: [chokes on her cereal] I think I'm having chest pains. Bart walks in whistling. ~~ Bart jumps off Homer's shoulders into a chair, and sighs with relief. He then runs away nervously as alarms go off and arrows flash at the chair: "Folding chair riot! $9.99!" % Marge looks dreamily at a jeweled watch in a display case. % % Marge: Oh, Homey, look at that watch. I've always wanted a watch <0:13> % like that. % Homer: [sly] Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas. % Marge: [pleased] Mmm. % Homer's Brain: Now she'll really be surprised when she opens that % ironing board cover. ~~~~~ ACT III <0:10> (0:22) 6:58 / 7:20 Marge: Since I got my present early, I think you should get yours early too. % Lisa: Bart got a present early? Then I should get a present early! <0:10> % I want a present. % Marge: Lisa, you have to wait. % Lisa: [mutters] Oh, great. This is the worst Christmas ever. ==[ 3F10 ]==================================================== Team Homer === CUTS: 50 seconds GAINED: 84 seconds 20:00 / 21:24 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <----> (0:09) 5:52 / 6:01 * Compression starts with Homer's "The all ighty ollar?" ~~~~~ ACT II <0:50> (1:01) 6:14 / 7:15 Martin and Lisa pose with the new uniforms. % Skinner motions for Willy to come in, driving an elevator with "Mr. % Boy" and "Mr. Boy for Girls" crates. % <12> % Skinner: All right, pick your size: extra-small or extra-large. We've % got both. No pushing now, I... what? % [Doris whispers in his ear] Oh. I've just been informed: % we've run out of extra large. At Barney's, the Pin Pals are playing against the DMV Regulation Kings. Homer's Team: Go, Moe! Go, Moe! Don't make Homer shout out "D'oh"! [Moe rolls a strike] Homer's Team: Yay! % Patty & Selma: Urgh... % % The Pin Pals move to 3rd, and are now against the Springfield Police % Framers. Apu rolls another strike, but Wiggum, Lou and Eddie have a % secret weapon... % % Wiggum: All right, Snake. Make us proud. % [Lou and Eddie unchain him] <24> % Snake: [picks up his ball, walks to the line] One, two, three... % [crosses the line] four five six seven eight nine ten! % [drops his ball, runs for the lane door] % [pops his head out] Bye! [slams door] % Wiggum: Uh... we forfeit. % [the Pin Pals laugh and cheer] % % The Pin Pals move up to 2nd, just behind the Holy Rollers. ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:14) 7:54 / 8:08 Homer: You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future champions of the world. Nothing's going to stop us now! At the very moment, in Burns' office: % Burns: Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for % bowling? % Smithers: Uh, Sir, that's a check for your _boweling_. <14> % Burns: Oh, yes. That's very important. % Smithers: Yes, Sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? % Burns: Yes... that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back % to the checks. Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling! Smithers: Hmm... The memo says: "To my pal, Poppin' Fresh." ==[ 3F09 ]============================================= Two Bad Neighbors === CUTS: 48 seconds GAINED: 82 seconds 20:08 / 21:30 Original couch ! Even more cuts than 3F06, yet longer by a second. Are we moving ! towards dozens of 2-second cuts within each episode? ~~~~~ ACT I <0:11> (0:20) 6:05 / 6:25 Bart: Well, if you love it so much, why you always littering? Homer: It's easier. Duh. [walks away] [throws his empty can] <02> % [Bart follows him] ~~ Marge: Who's Disco Stu? Homer: Oh, uh, I wanted to write "Disco Stud" but I ran out of space. <04> % Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action... ~~ Homer: OK, let's give it up for the new guy. Now, let's all turn around and pay attention to me again. % Hello? <05> % Hello? % Hello! ~~~~~ ACT II <0:35> (0:49) 7:53 / 8:42 Homer: Stupid President. Why couldn't he just stay in his own state? Lisa: Actually, this _is_ one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, Dad. I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood. % Homer: Wait a minute... If Lisa didn't vote for him...and I didn't % vote for him... <13> % Marge: You didn't vote for anybody. % Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. After % that, I became deeply cynical. ~~ Homer: Huh... Look at those phonies, sucking up to Bush. [SLH whimpers, then barks and runs off after them] % I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. % [chuckles] <10> % Brain: There it is, Homer: the cleverest thing you'll ever say and % nobody heard it. % Homer: D'oh! ! You'll forgive me if I ramble yet again, but what was the purpose of ! that scene, if not for this single joke? ~~ Bart: Who's that, George? George: Uh, er, see, you wouldn't know him. That's Bob Mosbacher, he was secretary of -- Bart: That's a dumb name. Who's that, George? George: Maybe _he_ thinks "Bart" is a dumb name. Bart: How many times were _you_ president, George? % George: Just once. % Bar! Isn't it time for dinner yet? <08> % Barbara: [off-camera] I'm making rice. It'll be a while. % Bart: Did your Secret Service goons ever whack anyone, George? George: [indignant] You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first name. Bart: Yeah, well, welcome to the 20th century, _George_. % [walks away] <02> % George: [muttering] I'll kick you right out of the 20th century, you % little... ~~~~~ ACT III <0:02> (0:13) 6:10 / 6:23 Homer: [knocking at door] Yoo-hoo! [knocks] George: Who is it? [looks through spy hole without glasses on] Homer: It's your sons: George Bush Jr. and Jeb Bush. % Come outside, Dad. <02> % George: Oh, good. Bar, the boys are out in the front yard. _They'll_ help me think of a plan to get those Simpsons. ==[ 3F11 ]================= Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield === CUTS: 49 seconds GAINED: 83 seconds 20:07 / 21:30 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <0:35> (0:45) 5:42 / 6:27 % Marge and Lisa shop at Steppin' Out Fashion Mart. ("Browse through % our bra barrel!") % % Marge: Mmm... Honey, I don't think these clothes are us... <17> % Lisa: Who are they? % Cletus: Hey, Brandine! You can wear this shirt to work! % [holds up a short shirt reading "Classy Lassy"] % Brandine: Oh, Cletus. You know I gotta wear the shirt what Dairy % Queen gave me. Marge browses at a circular clothes rack, while Lisa steps inside. Lisa: [from inside] Hey, Mom! There's something in here! [hands her a suit] Marge: Ooh! Oh, it's beautiful! Can it be a real Chanel? [gasps] It is! [checks the price tag] 90 dollars? [moans] Lisa: But it's marked down from $2800. Marge surrenders to the tentation, and tries the outfit. Lisa: Oh, you look so sophisticated, just like Mary Hart. Marge: It fits like a dream, too. But we can't afford 90 dollars, even if it is a bargain. % It wouldn't be right to buy something just for me. If it were % a suit we could all wear, maybe, then... <16> % Lisa: Come on, Mom. You never treat yourself to anything. % Marge: Oh, sure I do. I treated myself to a Sanka not three days ago. % But _this_ is a real find. Lisa: Just take it. You don't have to rationalize everything. Marge: Mmm... All right, I will buy it. It'll be good for the economy. {Matthew Steven Rose} ~~ Lisa: Do I have to go? That country club is a hotbed of exclusionist snobs and status-seeking social-climbers. <02> % Marge: I've told you, I don't like you using the word "hotbed". Please, Lisa, we so rarely get to do things like this. And everybody, everybody _please_ be on your best behavior. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:13> (0:25) 7:24 / 7:49 Marge: [thinking] Oh! We've got a winning hand. We can take the rest of the tricks. [camera pans higher up] Ooh, we'd better be careful. The purpose of this game is to make friends; you don't make friends by winning. [camera pans higher up] Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner... [camera pans to the end of her hair] Don't ask me, I'm just hair. Your head ended 18 inches ago. % [camera pans down to her head] <02> % [aloud] Mmm... ~~ Marge's outfit gets eaten by the sewing machine. Marge: [gasps] No! No, no, no, noooo! [pulls out her suit, which "dissolves" in her hands] % [growls] At times like this, I guess all you can do is laugh. <11> % [stares at the ceiling] ~~~~~ ACT III <0:01> (0:13) 7:01 / 7:14 ! At the start of the act (maybe a lousy feed): <01> % Marge: [knocks] [Patty & Selma open the door] I need a formal dress for tonight! ==[ 3F12 ]================================================= Bart the Fink === CUTS: 54 seconds GAINED: 87 seconds 20:03 / 21:30 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <----> (0:08) 5:29 / 5:37 * Compression starts when the family gasps at Ann Landers' inheritance ~~~~~ ACT II <0:27> (0:37) 6:08 / 6:45 Krusty: My Grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran. % Auctioneer: Lot 67, 32 cartons of pornography. % Jasper: 10 cents. % Man: [taking the bid from a phone] 12! % Auctioneer: 12 cents to our phone bidder in Japan. Any advance? % Jasper: [moans] All I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd % be pornography... % Auctioneer: Sold, for 12 cents. % Krusty: Oh, my beloved pornography! I can't watch this anymore! <27> % I'm going to bed. % Auctioneer: How much for Krusty's bed? % Moe: Half a buck! % Auctioneer: Sold! % Moe: [goes to the bedroom] Good night everybody. % Everybody: Good night, Moe! % % Krusty groans and sits on a couch, while someone takes away his % grandfather clock. Auctioneer: And now, lot number 2380: Krusty's private plane, the "I'm-On-A-Rolla Gay". {Liam J. Scanlan. } ~~~~~ ACT III <0:27> (0:42) 8:26 / 9:08 As Krusty's funerals are over, Bart stays behind, holding back his tears. After a shot of the house, % we see Bart sitting on the floor, wearing % a Krusty pin, watching TV's "The Day The Local Laughter Died". % % Kent: And so, Herschel Krustofsky is gone, but not forgotten. Today % was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. Postal patrons were <20> % asked to choose between two competing designs: one of Krusty's % heartwarming smile, % [shot of a 32-cent stamp featuring Krusty smiling] % and one of his fiery death. % [another stamp, featuring wreckage of his plane] % By a nearly 2-to-1 vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen. In his room, Bart pulls the cord of his "groaning" Krusty doll over and over. {Liam J. Scanlan. } ~~ Lisa: [reading the check] "Rory B. Bellows, slip 8." Let's go! [They run out, passing by Handsome Pete holding a mug % [Bart comes back, gives Pete a quarter, and runs away] <07> % [Pete starts playing "Sailor's Hornpipe" again] % Cap'n: Not a quarter! Arr, he'll be dancing for hours!" {Liam J. Scanlan. } ==[ 3F13 ]=========================================== Lisa the Iconoclast === CUTS: 57 seconds GAINED: 87 seconds 20:03 / 21:30 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <0:28> (0:32) 5:34 / 6:06 * Compression starts when Homer shows up at City Hall. ~~ Ned: [chuckles] Oh, they're just family heirlooms. That shouldn't stand in the way of Homer taking my job, and... Homer: Less chat, more hat. [Ned hands it over; Homer puts it on and it rips] Woo-hoo! % [criering] Hear ye, hear ye! The Homer Broadcasting System is % on the air! All hollering, all the time! I'm gonna make... <15> % Quimby: [grabs the bell] You're to restrict your criering to the % parade and selected pre-approved publicity events. % Homer: [meekly] Okay. ~~ Lisa: [reading] "Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha." Oh, my God! Our town hero is a fraud! % "I write this confession so that my infamy will live on long % after my body has succumbed to my infectious diphtheria." <13> % Eww... [realizes she's still holding the fife] % [screams, drops the fife, spits, then wipes her tongue] ~~~~~ ACT II <0:23> (0:36) 7:26 / 8:02 ! Without comment: Homer: [criering] Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast? Marge: Toast. % Homer: I don't understand thee, Marge. <05> % Marge: [sighs] Ye olde toast. Homer: Woo-hoo-hoo. {Matthew Steven Rose <00202116@bigred.unl.edu>} ~~ Homer and Lisa head for the Copy Jalopy. Lisa: You don't have to help me with this, Dad. Homer: Oh, sure I do. I always believe in helping a little guy. And you're the littlest guy I know. % [the Comic Book Guy turns to Homer] % CBG: Uh, question: Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron? % Homer: No, it's Homer. % CBG: Well, I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, % _Homer_. And if I see a movie where computers threaten our <18> % personal liberties, I will know that you stole my idea. % Homer: I'm just waiting for my kid. % [thinking] Mental note: steal his idea. % % The Copy Jalopy employee hands Lisa her copies. {Haynes Lee } ~~~~~ ACT III <0:06> (0:19) 7:03 / 7:22 Lisa: Don't forget to look in his shoes. When I lose something, sometimes it turns up in my shoes. % Hibbert: Actually, if it's anywhere, it would be lodged in the sinus. <06> % [chuckles] % Wiggum: All right, here goes. Forgive us, Jebediah, we mean no disrespect. ==[ 3F14 ]============================================ Homer the Smithers === CUTS: 51 seconds GAINED: 83 seconds 20:07 / 21:30 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <0:05> (0:11) 6:09 / 6:20 * Compression starts with Burns' breakfast. ~~ Lisa: You know Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. Marge: [comes in, holding a bowl] You know Homer, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm. Lisa: Mom, I just said that. Marge: [sarcastically] Soooorry! <02> % Next time get your own darn corn. ~~ Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with president Taft. <03> % Homer: [chuckles] Taft, you old dog. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:25> (0:41) 8:42 / 9:23 % View of Homer and Burns sitting at their respective desks. Burns: [from his office] Simpson? Simpson? % Urgh... % [walks into Smithers' office] % Did you get that report on the accounting department? <20> % Homer: Yes sir, I did. % [reads] "The accounting department is located on the 3rd % floor. Its hours are 9am to 5pm. The head of this department % is a Mr. Johnson or Johnstone." % [Burns throws his report in the garbage can] [in Burns' office] Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car", "You have 10 minutes", ! In syndication, Burns calls Homer over a re-used shot of SNPP. This ! is a trick they also used for 1F03. {Haynes Lee } ~~ Burns: [throws his glass at Homer] You call this Postum? [bashes a 5-feet high pile of paper] Burns: You call this a tax return? % [bangs a CRAY with his cane] % Burns: You call this a supercomputer? <05> % [throws paper at him] % [throws pencils at him] [throws a book at him] {Haynes Lee } ~~~~~ ACT III <0:21> (0:31) 5:16 / 5:47 Smithers inquires at Moe's about his "Help Wanted" sign. Smithers: [to Homer] That's right! But I'm gonna need your help. % [the clock rings midnight] % Moe: [scared] Oh, my God! % [Barney's seat is empty] % Man: [from outside] Beer delivery, just sign here. Oh, no! It's % you! [loud crashing] Hey! <17> % Barney: [maniac laughing] Oh boy! % Man: Gimme that! % Barney: No! % % Moe covers his eyes and sobs as the only sound we hear from outside % is Barney's belching. {Haynes Lee } ~~ Mrs. Burns: That improvident lackwit? Always too busy stridin' about his atom mill to call his own mother. <04> % I'll give him what-fors 'till he cries brassafrax! ==[ 3F16 ]===================================== The Day the Violence Died === CUTS: 49 seconds GAINED: 84 seconds 20:03 / 21:27 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <----> (0:08) 6:21 / 6:29 * Compression starts after Homer�s "Ohh... Why can't they just take * the gun?" ~~~~~ ACT II <0:41> (0:55) 7:17 / 8:12 Bart: Do you know what radon is? Chester: No. Bart: Good night [turns off light]. % As Homer walks by the basement door, a voice asks for spare change <0:05> % from below. He throws coins. ~~ Bart: So, you work on a contingency basis? Hutz: No, money down! Oops, it shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either. [he eats it] % Homer, Marge, Lisa and Maggie wait on the outside steps. Homer % stands smiling, holding Chester's bindle. Bart and Chester return, % and Chester enters with the bindle. % <0:11> % Marge: [disappointed growl] % Bart: Hey Dad, can I have a thousand dollars? % Homer: All right...eh-- [gets his wallet] Wait a minute! For what? % Bart: To pay for a lawyer, for my bum. % Homer: Forget it! ~~ Judge: Order, order. We don't care about your blintzes. Krusty narrows his eyes at the judge. % Hutz: Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Mr. Myers stole your character... % Lawyer: Objection. % Judge: Sustained. % Hutz: Urgh! If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time % today, I think I'm going to scream! <0:18> % Lawyer: Objection. % Judge: Sustained. % Hutz: [holds head; screams] % Chester: Roger Myers didn't create of his characters! He % stole them all! % % Dramatic music. A shocked jury murmurs "He stole them all?" Shot of "Flatulent Fox" shown on easel. Chester: The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on them... ~~ Myers: Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, [judge bangs gavel] where are they gonna come from? % Her? [points at Marge] <0:07> % Marge: Uh... Hmm... How about... Ghostmutt? Judge bangs gavel once. Judge: The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick... ~~~~~ ACT III <0:08> (0:21) 6:25 / 6:46 Myers: Royalties! Hah! I don't have the money to _produce_ the cartoons. I lost everything. % I can't even keep my dad's head in % the freakin' cryogenics center anymore. <0:08> % [shot of a thawing icebox, which starts shaking] % [sarcastically] You comfortable in there, Daddy? ==[ 3F15 ]=========================================== A Fish Called Selma === CUTS: 52 seconds GAINED: 86 seconds 20:06 / 21:32 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <0:32> (0:44) 7:59 / 8:43 * Compression starts with Marge's "Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman". ~~ Troy McClure walks into the DMV, which brings murmurs from the crowd. Hibbert: Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium. % Louie: Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead? % Tony: No, what I said was: "He sleeps with the fishes". You see... <11> % Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of % dingamagoo... ~~ At the Pimento Grove... % Troy: [yamns silently] % Selma: All these celebrities on the walls; I'm just know a big star % like you is up there somewhere. <21> % Troy: Uh, yes, I'm over there... [vaguely points somewhere] % Selma: [as she browses the walls] Oh? Hmm... Uh... Huh-uh. Oh... % Hmm... [finally finds Troy's picture on the pet door] Oh! Troy: So, working at the DMV must be very interesting. Selma: Well, uh... I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from scratching my butt all day. ! Troy's "So," overlaps on the view of the Pimento Grove in ! syndication. ~~~~~ ACT II <----> (0:12) 6:22 / 6:34 ~~~~~ ACT III <0:20> (0:30) 5:45 / 6:15 Parker: Uh, listen. You can't buy that kind of P.R., but you can get it for nothing by having a baby, which, by the way, your insurance will cover, except for the deductible which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part which you will if you have a baby. Troy: C'est Troy bien! % Parker: Okay. Now listen, let's talk baby names. You can't use % Montana, Dakota or Florida, they're taken... <11> % Troy: Umm... Oregon? % Parker: Oh, Pacific northwest, very hot. ~~ Selma: Having a baby isn't supposed to be work. It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings we're supposed to have for each other. % Troy: Oh. Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport <09> % ad? Remember how alive with pleasure they said we were? % [shot of Selma] [shot of Troy] Selma: Hmmm... Look, I'm sorry. A loveless marriage is one thing; we're not hurting anybody. But bringing a child into a loveless family is something I just can't do. ==[ 3F17 ]============================================== Bart on the Road === CUTS: 46 seconds GAINED: 88 seconds 20:04 / 21:32 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <----> (0:13) 5:51 / 6:04 ~~~~~ ACT II <0:42> (1:00) 8:51 / 9:51 Homer: It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store. % Meanwhile, on the road, a man is traveling in a station wagon with % his family. He has had about all he can take from his rowdy kids. % % Man: [yelling] If you kids can't keep your hands to % yourselves, I'm gonna turn this car around, and there'll % be no Cape Canaveral for anybody! % % The kids instantly quiet down, but Bart's car travels by, and Nelson, % seeing that the window is open, slaps the man on the head. % % Man: That's it! Back to Winnipeg! [turns around] % Martin: Bart, can we stop for ice cream? <0:38> % Bart: Yes. % [a little later, the boys all have cones] % Nelson: Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station? % Bart: Yeah. % [a little later] % Milhouse: Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker? % Bart: I don't see why not. % [a little later, a disheveled hitchhiker rides between % Martin and Nelson] % Hitchhiker: Bart, can we stop for ice cream? % Bart: Yes. % [a little later, they all have cones again] % Hitchhiker: Well, I don't think I was rehabilitated, but, uh... I % guess they needed the extra bed. ~~ Lisa: Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist. <0:04> % Homer: [ominous] Moe thinks he knows a lot more than Moe knows. Well, just give me another chance, and I'll prove I can keep your secret. ~~~~~ ACT III <0:04> (0:15) 5:22 / 5:37 Bart, Milhouse, Martin and Nelson throw their bags on the train. It speeds off before they can catch it. Nelson continues to run. All: Oh... <0:04> % He turns around and comes back. Martin pants, out of breath. * Compression stops after Bart says he won't go back to the grammar * rodeo next year. ==[ 3F18 ]============================== 22 Short Films About Springfield === CUTS: 44 seconds GAINED: 80 seconds 20:07 / 21:27 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:17> (0:28) 7:08 / 7:36 Lisa opens the lid of the recycling receptacle... <0:02> % Bart rides his skateboard on the sidewalk, blowing a huge bubble. It % pops, and he takes the gum from his mouth. Bart grunts as he throws his gum, and it lands in Lisa's hair. Lisa: [touching her sticky hair] WAAAAGH! Ugh! <0:02> % There's gum in my hair! [she runs down the street] Mom, someone threw gum in my hair! Marge: Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out. <0:04> % Lisa: No! It's somebody's gross gum! [pulling it] Get it out! ~~ Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant. Riviera: But I cleaned them with my napkin. % Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers. <0:06> % Riviera: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane. % % They stare at him for a second. ! The malpractice committee stares at Nick during "with my napkin" in ! the synd version. A great close-up of Nick shrugging is cut, as well ! as another excellent line. ~~ Moe: I'm behind three inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst. Snake: All right. [leaps over counter; opens register] Moe: No, stay out of there! Stay out of there! Aw, good God no! <0:03> % Moe flicks the lightswitch on and off. Snake: [grabbing cash] Ho! Good bye, student loan payments! Ha ha! ! In the synd version, "Aw, good God no!" is seen over Snake's hand ! pilfering the cash drawer. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:27> (0:43) 8:08 / 8:51 Chalmers: Well Seymour, you are an odd fellow. But I must say... you steam a good ham... <0:02> % As he walks away, two of his steps are cut. Agnes: Heeeelp! Heeeelp! Chalmers turns around with a start. Skinner gives a thumbs up and cheesy grin. Chalmers turns back around and leaves. <0:01> % Skinner hurries back into the house. A fire engine speeds down the street. ~~ Forlorn, Maggie looks out from inside the newspaper machine. % As she sucks her pacifier, Homer turns toward her. <0:02> % % Homer: Oh, don't worry, Maggie. I'll think of something. ~~ Bumblebee Man: Ah, tiempo para relajar en paz y quieto. [opens a cabinet of oranges which wallop his head] !Ay, naranjas en la cabeza! [he trips, hits an ironing board, and finds himself stuck on a chandelier] !Ay, una candelabra precariosa! [the chandelier is pulled free of the ceiling; bringing the ceiling down with it] % Emma: [walking down and seeing the disaster] !Ay! % Mira que cosa tan terrible, yo no puedo entender algo % como esto, como puedo vivir con el guill�n tan % irresponsible. !No, no, no, no no! <0:22> % [walks off, handing B.M. a divorce paper] % Bumblebee Man: Ay, ?donde est� mi tequila? % % She walks out and sets her bags on the curb, and tries to hitchike % as Snake drives by. The rest of the house crumbles. ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:09) 4:51 / 5:00 ==[ 3F19 ]====================== [...] "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" === CUTS: 46 seconds GAINED: 84 seconds 20:06 / 21:30 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <0:17> (0:26) 4:31 / 4:57 Abe: Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet. Edna: "Terlet"? Ha! [children laugh] % Abe: Stop your snickerin'! I spent three years on that terlet! <11> % [Bart gets more and more embarassed as kids keep laughing] ! All right, hands up those who didn't notice there was a cut there? ~~ At Springfield's Retirement Castle, Abe reads his mail. <01> % [people coughing] Abe: Hmm... let's see... Uh... ["Live Forever -- as a Commemorative Plate"] Yeah... Mmm... ["Run! Don't walk -- to Larry's Cane Store"] % [sighs] % Unno... ["Consider Burial At... Sea World!"] <05> % [the flyer features a priest on the highest platform, and a % whale jumping out of the water] Eh, this junk was hardly worth getting up for. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:29> (0:45) 8:25 / 9:10 Abe: So, we sealed up the paintings knowing only one of us would ever look upon them again. % Ox was the first to go; he got a hernia carrying the crate out <09> % of the castle. Five more men died in the Veteran's Day float % disaster of '79. Now, with Asa gone, it's down to me and Burns. ! Now, hands up those who _did_ notice there was a cut there. I seldom ! get to do this, but this cut was technically perfect -- unlike most ! others. {Haynes Lee } ~~ Bart: You gotta get that treasure! You gotta do it for Ox, and Asa, and Griff, and Burnsie... Well, not so much Burnsie. % Abe: You really think I can do it? % Bart: [unconvincing] Uh, yes... But we gotta act fast. % [they both rush out of Bart's room, and bump into Homer who % was up for a snack] % Homer: Where are you two going at this hour? <20> % Bart: On a treasure hunt. % Homer: Ooh! Can I come? % Abe: Only if you're ready to stare danger in the face, put your % manhood to the ultimate test, and take... % Homer: Pass. % [Abe and Bart run out] ! It seems that the new fashion is to cut the last joke of an act, ! making it end abruptly... {Haynes Lee } ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:13) 7:10 / 7:23 ==[ 3F20 ]======================================== Much Apu About Nothing === CUTS: 48 seconds GAINED: 82 seconds 20:08 / 21:30 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <0:17> (0:30) 7:54 / 8:24 * Compression starts when Homer sneaks out of the house. ~~ While the bear is being carried away by the U.S. Forest Service, Barney is being carried away by Moe's. % Maude: [hysterical] Oh, Marge, it was horrible! We were trapped in % the house all afternoon, and... well... we [sobbing] had to <11> % drink _toilet_ water! % Marge: Well, things were bad everywhere. Homer: I'm sick of these constant bear attacks. It's like a freakin' country bear jambaroo around here! Ned: Well, now, realistically, Homer. I've lived here some 30-odd years; this is the first and only bear I've ever seen. ~~ Homer: We're here. We're queer. We don't want anymore bears. Crowd: We're here. We're queer. We don't want anymore bears. % Lenny: Hey, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it? <06> % Homer: Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:31> (0:41) 5:38 / 6:19 ! At the start of this act: % Moe's has become the "Yes on 24 Headquarters", where people are % spraying signs: % % Barney: Yes on 24! % Moe: United States for United Statesians % Homer: Homer say "Get Out" <23> % % Moe: You know what really aggravazes me? It's them immiggants. % They wants all the benefits of living in Springfield, but % they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language. % Homer: Hey, those are exactly my sentimonies. % Barney: [babbles incoherently] % Moe: Yeah, you said it Barn. Marge and the kids go to the Kwik-E-Mart, in front of which many protesters are holding signs. ! Note that these signs will appear at one time or another throughout ! the episode. ~~ Father: Wherever you go, and whatever you do, we will always love you. Make us proud, son. Mother: Never forget who you are. Apu: I won't mother. % [to a child] And I won't forget you, Manjula. I'm so sorry <08> % our arranged marriage will not come to pass. % Manjula: Farewell, my beloved. ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:11) 6:36 / 6:47 ==[ 3F21 ]================================================== Homerpalooza === CUTS: 60 seconds GAINED: 90 seconds 19:55 / 21:25 Original short opening ~~~~~ ACT I <0:14> (0:24) 7:05 / 7:29 Lisa: Dad... Please just drive the car, Dad. % Homer: I'm watching the road, sweetie. You jive <0:14> % turkey. See? You got to sass it. Quit _jiving_ me, % turkey! You got to sass it. A "turkey" is a bad person. Homer turns the radio to his favorite station, KFSL. ! Oh, why did they have to hack the "turkey" line? ~~ * Compression starts after this cut. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:22> (0:34) 7:22 / 7:56 Homer puts on his safety glasses, takes place in front of the cannon, and receives the bullet right in the stomach. He quickly gets up, though, and is acclaimed by the crowd. % Homer: Thank you. Thank you very much. <0:05> % % A midget escorts him off the stage. Backstage, Homer autographs a cannon ball. ~~ Homer has "No Litter" written on his stomach before he gets shot. % Homer: But the main thing is: I've finally tapped into that spirit % of self-destruction that makes Rock 'N' Roll the king of % music. % <0:17> % Everyone on the bus is cheering Homer, who's "water-skiing" with the % bus, only with frying pans instead of skis. Cypress Hill throws cans % at him. % % Homer: Woo hoo! ~~~~~ ACT III <0:24> (0:32) 5:28 / 6:00 Jimbo: Man, that guy's guitar is talking. % Otto: Hey, my shoes are talking too! <0:11> % Left Shoe: Don't worry. We won't hurt you. % Right Shoe: We only want to have some fun. ~~ Frampton: God. Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra, and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids! % Moore: Ah, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that % watermelon. <0:13> % Frampton: Please, I'm trying to perform! % Shelley: Go ahead. We'll stay here and guard your cooler. % [they all dig in while Frampton moans] Discouraged, Frampton leaves the stage to Homer. ==[ 3F22 ]============================================= Summer of 4 Ft. 2 === CUTS: 47 seconds GAINED: 85 seconds 20:05 / 21:30 Original couch ~~~~~ ACT I <0:05> (0:15) 5:34 / 5:49 Homer: Deal! See, Flanders, you give a little, you get a little. % So, Homer goes back to his hammock, while Flanders walks over his % muddy lawn. <05> % % Ned: [rolling up his sleeves] Hello, Mr. Brown Grown. What you got % for me? ~~ # Dave Hall talks about many interesting outtakes: # Actually, if "disenchanted" fans really wanna know: Lisa's # "out-of- character" behaviour was neatly explained in the original # script, but for time constraints some "minor" scenes were cut from # the final episode. Most notably were more scenes involving Lisa's # classmates deliberately avoiding her and one really cool scene # where Lisa sees Bart hamming it up, impressing the others, and she # asks what the secret of being popular; Bart replies: # # "Lis, a frog named Petey once taught me that somethings can't be # taken apart without dying." # # Too bad this scene was cut, I personally think leaving this one # scene in would have made the entire episode make more sense, IMHO. # It would have also explained why Bart was so bothered by Lisa # "imitating" him to make friends. ~~~~~ ACT II <0:42> (1:02) 10:07 /11:09 OFF drives over a bridge on their way to their destination. % Bart: When the hell are we getting to... where the hell are we % going? % Marge: [growls] It's called Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport. It's <19> % known as America's scrod basket. % Bart: I thought _Springfield_ was America's scrod basket. % Marge: No, Springfield is America's crud bucket. At least according % to Newsweek. They drive by Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport's welcome sign. {Haynes Lee } ~~ Marge: [reads note on freezer] "Put food in me." Homer: I'll take that. [sticks it on his belly] % Marge: [opens the freezer] % [every single ice cube has a "Fill Me" note on it] <07> % Well, duh! With what, Ned? % [lifs the note; under it is another one reading "With Water"] % [growls] {Haynes Lee } ~~ # Don Del Grande reports: # I also read in two different places (a local paper's TV section # and FOX's online schedule) that Lisa would have her hair cut, but # it never happened. (It may have looked different because she was # wearing a hat.) ~~ # The ad for this commercial also revealed two more outtakes, being: # # The Val-U-Mart clerk offers Homer the neutron cherry bomb: "It # destroys hands, but leaves smiles intact." Tom Baker attributes # this as a reference to the neutron bomb, "which kills people but # leaves buildings intact". # # Homer throws the M-320 in the oven, and this is where it explodes. ~~~~~ ACT III <----> (0:08) 4:24 / 4:32 ==[ ---- ]===================================================================