Simpson and Delilah

Simpson and Delilah
                                                           Written by Jon Vitti
                                                         Directed by Rich Moore

Title sequence

Blackboard

    {Tar is not a plaything.}
    {Tar is not a pla} at cutoff.

Couch

    They do a little dance.

Quotes and scene summary

   

 Homer, Patty and Selma are sitting on the couch watching TV (with TV dinner
 trays in front of them).  Bart and Lisa are on the floor.
   
   TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler?
   Homer:   Hitler!
   Marge:   [coming in with food]  Hitler, North Dakota?
   -- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   TV host: The colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what?       \\
            [all four simultaneously]
   \<
   Bart:    Blu|e!     |Orange! |Red!  Purple!                         \&
   Patty:      |       |[bored] Green.                                 \&
   Selma:      |       |        |[bored] Gr|een.
   Homer:      |Yellow!|        |          |Red!  White!  Black!  Green!
   \>
   Contestant: [pause] Green.
   Homer:  I was right!
   -- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 then a hair restoration treatment commercial comes on the television...
   
   Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to.
   -- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza,
   Hair City, Utah.
   -- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer goes to his medicine cabinet...
   
   Marge, weren't you listening?  This is a miracle breakthrough!
   Not one of these cheapo sucker deals! [tosses a cheapo sucker hair restoration
   product in the trash]
   -- Hope springs eternal in Homer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer pays a visit to the center, to find that it costs $1000.
   
   We do have a product which is more in your price range.  However, I must
   assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be
   purely coincidental.
   -- ``Dr. H'', ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   Homer: [breaks down in tears] Of all the rip-off, screw job, chip joint...
          [gets up] Forget you pal... [sobbing] thanks for nothing.
          [leaves, crying]
   [at the nuclear plant]
   Homer: So I say, [angrily] Forget you, pal!  Thanks for nothing!
          And I storm right out of there.
   -- A matter of perpective, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   Dry fish-sticks!  This sucks!
   -- Homer complains about cafeteria fare, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   Karl:  Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
   Homer: D'oh!  If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 One of his co-workers suggests putting it on the company medical insurance,
 figuring that all it will mean is that Burns won't be able to buy another
 ivory back-scratcher.
   
   Why should you get nothing, while some guy who loses a finger hits the
   jackpot?
   -- Len cajoles Homer into filing a false medical insurance form,
      ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer pays ``Dr. H'' another visit.  They arrange a shady deal in the alley.
 Homer then follows the instructions, including the scalp massage while
 hanging upside-down.
   
   Dear God, give a bald guy a break.  Amen.
   -- Homer's hairful prayer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer wakes up to find a full head of hair, and runs through town in
 his nightgown, saying good morning to the Winfields, Moe's Tavern,
   
   Homer:  Good morning,  Moe's Tavern!
   Barney: Hey, it's the president!
   -- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 a funeral, and another man who is running through town doing the same thing!
 He returns home to his loving family, then pays a visit to the barber.
 Marge talks to her sisters...
   
   Marge: Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
   Patty: [grunt] I don't want to think about it.
   Homer: [from offscreen] Daddy's home, sugar!
   Marge: [goes offscreen to greet him]
   Homer: Come here, you.. heh heh heh.
   Marge: Oh, Ooh!
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   Patty: This is Homer?  Oh, my!
   Selma: [grunt] Patty, stop drooling.
   Patty: Look who's talking.
   -- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Burns surveys the security monitors...
   
   Burns:    None of these cretins deserves a promotion!
   Smithers: It's in the union contract, sir.  One token promotion from within
             per year.
   Burns:    [indicating the security monitor]  Wait, who's that young go-getter?
   Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more
             dynamic and resourceful.
   Burns:    Simpson, eh?
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   Attention Homer Simpson.  You have been promoted.  You are now an executive.
   Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to
   room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
   -- Smither's PA announcement, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 [End of Act One.  Time:  6:15+]

 Homer interviews for a secretary...
   
   Well, your r\'esum\'e [pronounced ree-zoom] seems good enough...
   -- Homer interviews for a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 The next applicant, a man, comes in.
   
   Karl:  You don't belong here.  You're a fraud and a phony, and it's
          only a matter of time until they find you out.
   Homer: Gasp!  Who told you?
   Karl:  You did.  You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders,
          the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself
          in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.
   -- Homer hires a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 First order of business is a new wardrobe.  The next morning, Marge
 wishes Homer a happy anniversary, and Homer realizes he forgot <again>.
 But Marge is surprised by a singing telegram (sent by Karl).  At the
 board meeting...
   
   Smithers: Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high
             worker accident rate.
   Burns:    [expels breath]  Any suggestions?
   Advisor1: A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.
   Advisor2: We could put caffeine in the water cooler.
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   Burns: How would you improve the worker situation?
   Homer: Well, sir, for one thing, we have a problem every Tuesday when
          the cafeteria would serve fish sticks...
   Burns: Fish sticks!?  What in blazes are you talking about?
   Homer: Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish, then chop up the rest of
          the sticks [sic].  And then put seasoned breadcrumbs on it...
   -- Haven't I heard this joke before? ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   Let the fools have their tar-tar sauce!
   -- Burns implements Homer's plan, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer's tartar sauce solution seems to have worked...
   
   You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself
   is known or suspected to have caused last month.  And our output level is
   just as high as during Simpson's last vacation.
   -- Smithers, on Homer's promotion, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Burns is so impressed by Simpson's work that he gives Homer the key
 to the executive washroom.  While Homer pays it a visit...
   
   Oh, hey ho, men.  You know, I was watching the Dumont last night, when
   I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox...
   -- Mr. Burns emerges from a bathroom stall, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 When Homer becomes Burns' `favorite', Smithers gets mad and throws the
 handtowel to the floor.  (Upon which a man quickly dashes out, picks
 it up, and backs away, somewhat like a tennis ballboy.)  At night, Smithers
 sneaks into the files and finds Homer's phony medical insurance form.
   
   Hm... $1000?  Dimoxinil?  ``To keep brain from freezing''?
   -- Smithers finds Homer's phony medical insurance form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 [End of Act Two.  Time: 12:08+]

 The Simpsons yard is loaded with toys, and Marge suggests that they save
 some of it for a rainy day.  ``Rainy day?  There's never going to be
 a rainy day, Marge!''
   
   Homer: [kindly] And what does my little girl want?
   Lisa:  An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.
   Homer: Uh...  How about a pony?
   Lisa:  Okay!
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Burns asks Homer to give an inspirational speech to the executives.
 Smithers informs Burns of his discovery...
   
   Smithers: One of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan
             out of $1000.
   Burns:    What!?  Blast his hide to Hades! [thunder roars outside]
             And I was going to buy that ivory back-scratcher...
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 [Apparently, the Simpsons rainy day has come.]  Smithers informs Homer
 that he's been fired, but Karl takes the fall.  Homer is at a loss
 and watches Karl leave in the rain.  When Karl realizes Homer forgot
 his umbrella, he gives Homer his.  While Homer panics on the drive home,
 Bart dreams of having a beard and splashes the Dimoxinil on his face.
 Homer returns, and Bart spills the bottle.
   
   Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy... must... die!
   Bart:  I love you, Dad!
   Homer: D'oh!  [lets him go]  Dirty trick.  Okay, I'm not going to kill you,
          but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the
          rest of your days.  You've ruined your father, you've crippled your
          family, and baldness is hereditary!
   Bart:  It is!?
   -- Bart spills the Dimoxinil, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer asks Marge if she has any money squirreled away and reaches into
 her hairdo, but she stops him.
   
   Dad is taking this in less than a heroic fashion.
   -- Lisa observes Homer, reduced to blubbering when he realizes he's doomed,
      ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer arrives at work the next morning and finds a note...
   
   Homer: [picks up a note]
   Karl's voice:  Dear Mr. Simpson, I've taken the liberty of preparing your
          speech on the enclosed numbered 3x5 cards.
          All the big words are spelled phonetically
   Homer: Phonanetically.
   Karl's voice:  God bless you.  You are one of Springfield's very special
          creatures. [camera pulls back to reveal Karl is standing there]
          Your obedient servant, Karl.  ... Good luck, sir.
   Homer: [startles]  Karl, so that <wasn't> just a sweet voice I heard inside
          my head.
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Karl tells Homer he succeeded because of himself, and not his hair.
   
   Homer: I'm just a big fool.
   Karl:  Oh no, you're not.
   Homer: How do you know?
   Karl:  Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool! [smack]
   Homer: [somewhat surprised] Karl!
   Karl:  Now go get 'em, tiger!
   Homer: [roar!]
   Karl:  [pats Homer's behind as he leaves]
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer presents his speech, sans hair.
   
   Homer: [ahem]  A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this.
          [burns a dollar bill]
   Burns: He's crazy!
   -- Homer gives a speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
   Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant.  He doesn't even have hair!
   -- Executive watches Homer's presentation, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 They leave one-by-one...
   
   [card #56 reads:  ``And the long-term benefits more than offset the
   one-time costs, for a net savings of $526,000.'']
   Homer: And the long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time costs, for
          a net savings of... fuh, five thousand, two eh hundred and...
          lots of money...
   -- Homer's failed speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Homer is taken to Burns' office, but he doesn't fire him.
   
   Burns: Simpson, how old do you think I am?
   Homer: I dunno.  A hundred and two?
   Burns: [sadly] I'm only eighty-one...
   -- Missed it by that much, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 Burns recalls his own hairful days...
   
   Burns: I'm giving you your old job back.
   Homer: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
   Burns: Now get out of here before I reconsider.
   Homer: Oh.  Better hurry up.
   -- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   
 In bed, Marge consoles Homer and sings ``You are so beautiful''.
 This cheers Homer up.

 [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:39+]
   

Didja notice...

    ... Homer was having trouble with the questions on ``Grade School
        Challenge''?
    ... the name Dimoxinil bears a more-than-coincidental similarity to the
        real-world hair product Minoxidil?
    ... the sign that says ``Honor system coffee refills 25c'' over the
        coffee urn, and nobody paid?
    ... the {\heart} on the ``I {\heart} Dimoxinil'' T-shirt had hair
        growing on it? @{jd}
    ... Barney was drinking at Moe's tavern early in the morning?
    ... Homer was reading ``Playdude'' in the barber shop?
    ... when Homer comes into work, he puts his hardhat over a meter
        that is in the red?  Even worse, the sign clearly stated,
        ``Hard Hats Required''!
    ... when Burns is viewing the security monitors, one screen has
        the picture of somebody smoking in front of a `No smoking' sign?
    ... the musicians in the executive washroom were playing Claude Debussy's
        String Quartet? [David Halm]
    ... Maggie didn't fall down?
    ... The graffito of Burns on the workers' dunny? @{cjb}
        (Anyone able to make out what it says?)
    ... the IBM PC in the personnel office? @{cjb}
    ... the books on Mr. Burns' desk are facing away from him?
        (He can't see the titles.) @{dh}

Movie (and other) References

    . It's a Wonderful Life
        - Homer running through town when he gets his hair.
    . Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?
        - Homer receives the key to the executive washroom. @{gh}

Freeze Frame Fun

Homer's medicine cabinet

    | As observed by Chris Baird @{cjb}

    * Hair Master
    * Hair Chow
    * Gorilla man
    * Bald Buster
    * NU GRO
    * Baby powder
    * a `I like to smile' sticker
    * Soft ?????
    * U wanna B hair E
    * A razor
    * a few other things Chris couldn't make out

The Royal Majesty

The store where Homer and Karl went shopping had the sign:
\C
             Royal Majesty
     For the obese or gangly gentleman
         No food or drink in store
\eC
and inside, the sign ``You rip it, you buy it.''

The insurance form

    * Full Name: Homer I. Simpson @{da}  \\
      [Presumably, the `I' is just
      sloppy handwriting, as his middle initial is really `J'.]
    * Birthdate: 5/10/55 @{rla}@{da}
    * Place of birth: Either NE or NC @{rla}
    * Social Security Number: 568-47-0000 @{da}  \\
      [The 7th and 10th
      digits might be 8's.  Note that SSNs beginning ``568'' are typically
      assigned in California.]
    * Home Phone: 555-6528 @{da}
    * Work Phone: 555-7334 @{da} [Or thereabouts.]
    * Sex:  Male @{rla}  \\
      [Homer first checked `Female', then partly erased it
      and filled in the correct answer afterwards.]

Animation goofs

During Patty's ``Look who's talking'', the animators mis-colored her
and Selma's necklines.  For a brief while, their sundresses go up to
the neck.

Comments and other observations

Inside jokes

When Burns emerges from the bathroom stall in the executive washroom, he says
\Q
    I was watching the DuMont last night, when I happened to catch a
    fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox...
\eQ
Bill Morris reminds us that DuMont was one of the first companies
to produce television sets.  But the pun is that back in the early
50's, DuMont had its own television network in competition with
the big three, much like what FOX is doing now.  (DuMont went under
because they didn't have the resources to expand.)  And to make sure
we get the joke, the documentary just happens to be about the Desert FOX.

What's more, the name of the man who defeated Rommel?  General
Montgomery.

Is Karl a Homersexual?

Harvey Fierstein is a well-known gay actor.  Does this carry over to
his character?

Marc Conte points out that there were some references to the Gay movement.
Karl says that a new suit should say, ``Don't judge me, love me!'', which
is a slogan seen at Pride marches.  And Karl gets into high gear when he
gets Homer to go through an affirmation--Homer yells at the top of his
lungs that he is nature's greatest miracle, etc.

In `Do the Bartman', Jacques is dancing with a woman, who turns into Karl.

Other stuff

Robert Lippman points out that Bart doesn't react to the fact that he's
ruined his father and his family.  What scares him is that baldness is
heriditary.  Of course, what Homer doesn't say (perhaps because he
doesn't know) is that male pattern baldness is sex-linked.  You inherit
it from your mother, not your father.

Boring distribution restrictions

Episode summaries Copyright 1991--1992 by Raymond Chen.
Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission.
(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons,
and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.
I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)