Mansion Family Written by John Swartzwelder Directed by Michael Polcino ============================================================================== Production code: BABF08 Original Airdate on FOX: 23-Jan-2000 Capsule revision A (30-Apr-2000) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" Synopsis {cg} ============================================================================== Britney Spears is a guest voice as the Simpsons housesit for Mr. Burns. It all starts at the Springfield Pride Awards (hosted by Spears and Kent Brockman), where Burns is saluted for being Springfield's oldest man. The dubious honor prompts the billionaire to get a checkup at the Mayo Clinic, and he chooses Homer to watch the mansion, figuring the employee is "due for a good performance." Well, not so fast, money breath. Homer turns Burns's yacht (the "Gone Fission") into Party Central on a voyage with his pals in international waters, "the land that law forgot." Meanwhile, doctors find Burns has "everything" - but "in perfect balance." (8 p.m./ET, Fox) ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: CLASS CLOWN IS NOT / A PAID POSITION CLASS CLOWN IS NOT / A PAID POSITIO at cutoff Couch: Role reversal time. The family runs to the couch, but Bart and Lisa are now the adults, while Homer and Marge are the children. Maggie is the same size she always is. Homer carries her to the couch, and reaches for the remote when he sits. Lisa slaps his wrist, and takes the remote. Homer sounds disappointed. ============================================================================== > Did You Notice... ============================================================================== ... there's a Smithers clone among the jarred clones of Burns? ... Apu parties in the buff on Burns' yacht? ... someone dancing with a cow on Burns' yacht? Wilson Banswell: ... the "Got Tumor" [sign] at the Mayo clinic Nor Cal: ... Bart asked someone to pay him for being funny? ... during the depression era clip people are jumping from the buildings in the background? ... that Moe is still trying to figure out how to kill himself? ... Castro doesn't thank Burns for saving his country? [Damned Commie ingrate -- Ed.] ... that Marge knows an awful lot of slang terms for "party?" ... Burns is in good with George Steinbrenner? ... Homer recognizes that the producers are rich? Kay Carina: ... at 18 years, 1 month, 21 days, Britney Spears is the youngest guest star [to appear as herself] ever on the Simpsons? ... Homer and the producers disparage the Grammys in front of a Grammy nominee? ... Springfield is not in Minnesota, but rather is on a seacoast? ... Homer didn't use the vending machine? Sarah Culp: ... the Springfield award show aired at the same time [in the United States] as the Golden Globe Awards on NBC? ... Moe, who was upside down in the net, apparently drowned? Don Del Grande: ... most of the awards looked like the statue, but the oldest man award was a bust of Jebediah Springfield's head? ... Mrs. Krabappel wasn't sitting next to Principal Skinner? ... Homer forgot that he's won the Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence? ... Burns' yacht is "GONE FISSION", but in AABF16, it's "GONE FISSION II"? ... Moe's was open even though he couldn't sell alcohol? Curtis Gibby: ... Snake won an award? (Perhaps for dramatic interpretation of the word "Yoink") ... Britney Spears called Springfield "our fair city"? (I guess she lives there now, just like all of the other celebrities.) ... Lenny changed his shirt before they got onto the boat? ... it's 2:02 when Burns is talking to the doctor? Joe Green: ... the painting of Burns playing poker with dogs? ... Marge says "Bill Crosby" and "David Letterson"? ... SNPP is visible from 12 miles offshore? Richard E. Green: ... during the FOX disclaimer, there is absolutely NO movement on the screen, EXCEPT for Homer (and ONLY Homer) blinking? ... this episode proves ONCE AND FOR ALL that Monty Burns is 104, and not 81 ... he even ADMITTED it this time! ... in the first shot of Burns Manor, Homer is carrying Maggie inside? (Watch carefully; it's only for a second) ... even MAGGIE has a giant chair? ... Burns has a head of a DINOSAUR! [In the mansion, not on his body -- Ed.] ... Burns Manor is on the ocean (or more likely, the Gulf of Mexico)? [See "Goofs" section -- Ed.] Tony Hill: ... Burns almost remembers Homer? ... the seatbelt in Burns's car is alive? ... Wiggum launching the fireworks? Carl Johnson: ... Grampa was sitting next to Mrs. Krabapple? (The levels to which she will sink!!) ... the ONLY scene in The Simpson house was at the very end? Darrel Jones: ... the girl in the front row brushing her teeth in the Cornelius Chapman film has a gap-tooth? ... Jasper is in his nineties? ... Grampa sits down when Kent Brockman asks for people over 80, but gets back up when Brockman says, "over 90"? ... Smithers doesn't call Homer "one of your (idiots) in Sector 7G"? ... Burns appears in all his paintings? ... Homer misspells "Thailand"? Roy Kassinger: ... apparently Ned and Maude know who Britney Spears is? (Unless they are just wildly applauding because everyone else is wildly applauding.) ... at some point between the time Smithers took his vacation and the present, Burns had his mother "settled"? ... at the end of the "Nancy Drew" scene Maggie started to move as if she had a bit of business that was edited out for time? [Fox Wolf says, "I put it into slow motion, and she was pulling Lisa's dress. It was supposed to look like she was reaching for it, though."] Joe Klemm: ... Homer and Marge are seen sitting down when everyone is cheering at the beginning of the pride awards? ... When Kent Brockman asked for people over 60, Ned stood up? ... Jasper, as he sat down after him, is older than Abe? ... the Burns Playing Poker With Dogs picture and Marge's nude picture of Burns in the gallery? ... the man marrying a cow, considering that a glass is broken, is probably Jewish? Ondre Lombard: ... Mr. Burns leaves an explicit nude of himself hanging on a hallway wall for any visitor to take a look at? Jerry P.: ... Burn's crotch in the painting is not covered by the flowers as the camera moves left? ... Homer walks up the ramp perpendicular to the ramp instead of the ground, like everyone else? ... all the novelty germs named by the doctor are blue? Jonathan Papish: ... when [Marge] scrubs the tube that the little Mr. Burns is in, it does the "Exxxxcellent" thing with its hands? Tom Restivo: ... Britney Spears is capable of involuntary manslaughter? ;) ... Cap'n McAllister had enough time to marry the man and cow and still join Homer's off-shore party? Benjamin Robinson: ... a geeky-voiced teen is sitting behind Marge at the awards ceremony? ... Abe doesn't sit with the rest of his family? ... the portly man jumping off the building holds his nose, as if diving into water? Evan Ross: ... the Burns' fetuses are balding? ... Mr. Burns and Smithers have blue and pink suitcases, respectively? Fox Wolf: ... Lenny's fake looking laugh in the award show? ... the man falling off the boat where people were shooting each other? ... the "Mini-Mr. Burns" making noises after Marge cleaned its jar? ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Safe Guard [?], Barney, Coast Guard [?], Krusty) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Seat Filler, Moe, Doctor, Carl, Captain, Apu) - Harry Shearer (Kent, Cornelius Chapman, Burns, Smithers, Pope, Lenny, Capt. McAllister, Mate) - Special Guest Voice - Britney Spears (Herself) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Woman on cutting room floor) - Tress MacNeille (Nurse) - Karl Wiedergott (MRI Technician [?]) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + Charles Manson and the "Manson Family" (mass murderers) - episode title a spoof [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + Academy Awards - the Springfield Pride awards are an obvious parody of the Oscars, including seat fillers being used and "buzz" surrounding certain nominees (in this case, Lenny) [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] - "The Fifth Element" (movie) {jc} - Burns has a disposable, self-replacing bed like Korben Dallas' apartment - "The Jetsons" (TV series) {jk} - Auto Dresser + "Dogs Playing Poker" (painting) {ddg} - a painting with Burns and dogs playing poker hangs in his mansion - "The Jack Benny Show" (TV series) {ddg} - guard inside of a safe + the "got milk?" advertising campaign {dp} - a "got tumor?" billboard is outside the Mayo Clinic - 1998 Papal visit to Cuba {dp} - the Pope tells Castro he was in the car with him + Bill Cosby (comedian and actor) {bjr} - Marge mispronounces name as "Bill Crosby" + David Letterman (comedian and talk-show host) {bjr} - Marge screws up his name, too, as "David Letterson" + "The Right Stuff" (movie) {bjr} - one of the astronauts' medical tests involves suspending a ball in a column of liquid by blowing into the column - "Modern Times" (movie) {jk} - Burns getting caught in the works of the MRI/cat scan machine + "The Thrilla in Manilla" (famous heavyweight title boxing match) {dj} + "Rumble in the Jungle" (ditto) {sm} - "Slaughter in the Water" tagline to Tyson-Secretariat fight ~ "Monopoly" (board game) {fw} - Homer refers to himself as "Rich Uncle Homer," a take of Rich Uncle Pennybags + "Chips Ahoy!" (brand of cookie) {fw} - Homer yells this before he hits the rock + "The Land That Time Forgot" (TV series) {jg2} - "The land that law forgot!" - "Jerry Springer" (daytime talk show) {dp} - the man who marries a cow is similar to the infamous "I Married a Horse" episode + cock [rooster] fights {jk} - monkey knife fights + "Raging Bull" (movie) {kn} - "He ain't pretty no more" + The Three Stooges (comedy team) {bjr} - doctor makes Curly's "woo-woo-woo" noise while demonstrating how Burns' germs are in perfect balance + "China Grove" (song) - several uneven attempts to sing the guitar riff from this Doobie Brothers song + "Curious George" (children's book) - Burns' monkey is named Furious George - "The Outer Limits" (TV series) {jg2} - the creature laying eggs in Smithers' brain is reminiscent of an episode of this show ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - [7G07] Jebediah Springfield's disembodied head {rk} - [7F07] a Simpson faints from donating too much blood {th} - [7F10] The Triceratops head over Burns' mantle {jg2} - [7F10] Marge's painting {th} - [7F18] Marge's painting of Burns hangs in his mansion - [7F20] Bart smokes {kc} - [8F01] "Oversized novelty germs" (cf. check) {jg2} - [8F09], [9F17], [1F03] Vending machine {kc} - [8F22], [1F10] "Oversized novelty" something {cg} - [8F23], [9F16], [9F21] Award show {kc} - [9F21] Disparaging jokes about the Grammys {ja} - [9F21] Homer won a Grammy {jg2} - [1F04] The painting of the dogs playing poker appears - [1F05] Lisa says, "Mom, Bart's making faces at me!" {fw} - [1F06] Homer thinks that currents will take him back to land. (He appears to be right in this case, since we don't see how they're rescued ...) {cg} - [1F13] The "blowing the ball" medical test is taken {dj} - [1F13] Everyone but Homer wins an award {rk} - [1F18] Someone says "I'm a big boy" {bjr} - [2F03], [3F14] -Homer cares for Mr. Burns/Burns Manor {er} - [2F03] David Letterman is mentioned {jg2} - [2F08] -Homer [Well, Guy Incognito, actually -- Ed.] enters Moe's in a top hat and cane {er} - [2F16] Poker-playing dog painting was on the wall of the veterinarian's waiting room {je} - [3F10] Homer steals an award {dj} - [3F14] -When caring for Burns, Homer asks how to deal with a fire {er} - [3F16] Rich Uncle Skeleton/Homer {reg} - [3F16] Apu jailed for public nudity {ds} - [3F19] "Old Man Stink" {fw} - [3F21] "Par-tay!" said - [3F22] Illegal fireworks {jg2} - [3F23], [4F22] Secretariat is mentioned {jg2} - [3G01] -Mr. Burns goes under "weird" medical treatment {er} - [3G01] Burns undergoes painful medical treatment {jg2} - [3G02] "Curious George" is referenced {jg2} - [3G04] -Homer captains a ship {er} - [4F08] Marge mispronounces words {dj} - [4F10] NY Yankees referenced {kc} - [4F15] Apu exhorts everyone to party naked {cp} - [4F17] Mr. Burns' house is remarked as having "old man stink" {ol} - [4F19] Kent Brockman narrates a black & white highlight film of someone's life {rk} - [4F22] Secretariat is mentioned {dj} - [5F03], [5F24] A character talks to the Gracie Films logo person {rk} - [5F05] Homer wearing the captain's hat {reg} - [5F05] The Pope appears {jg2} - [5F14] Castro seen - [AABF06] Ned Flanders is roughly 60 years old {cg} - [AABF08], [AABF09], [BABF01] Homer holds a pennant with a generic word on it {kc} - [AABF11] Grammy-bashing {bjr} - [BABF07] Moe considers suicide {kc} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - People at the awards show (that matter) {reg} - Apu, Manjula, Carl, Lenny, Maude (!), Ned, Puberty Boy, Smithers, Monty, Barney, Smitty, Lisa, Bart, Marge, Homer, Jasper, Abe, Martin's Dad, Dr Hibbert, Krusty, Edna, Dr Rivera, Moe, Clancy & his wife, Frink, Mrs. Glick, Crazy Old Man, Snake, Mr. Black (yet ANOTHER appearance after a 7 season absence), note the absence of Maggie - Sign at the theater {cg} SPRINGFIELD PRIDE AWARDS PLEASE, NO RIOTING - Forbidden Nancy Drew {bjr} NANCY DREW MYSTERY STORIES CLUE IN THE CLOCK [A Clock, ] [Nancy ] [envelope ] [holding ] [and clock ] [a flashlight] [winding key] - Homer's box social invitation {bjr} IT'S A [Homer on old- ] BOX SOCIAL [fashioned bike] [unintelligible] [text ] - Mayo Clinic {bjr} MAYO CLINIC got tumor? - Chart in doctor's office {bjr} DISEASES YOU CAN HAVE - Carl and Lenny's time marker {bjr} Drinking | Time | --> | - Fight Poster {cg} TYSON VS SECRETARIAT [Tyson] IN [Secretariat] INTERNATIONAL WATERS SLAUGHTER IN THE WATER ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== * There are legal limits to how much blood you can donate, and I doubt they'd take so much Marge would faint (unless she's anemic, in which case they'd have stopped her after the first time). {nc} = In the large crowd shot, Abe is seen at the bottom center of the screen with a nobody to the left of him, and Ned is in the exact center, but later on when Abe has a sitter on him, Ned is right behind him and Edna is sitting to the left of him. {reg} * Shouldn't Jebediah Springfield have built the first log cabin in Springfield? {jg2} = Coming out of the awards ceremony, Bart and Lisa take a step without moving. {jp2} * Homer should not have stuck in the painting. {jp2} - The new bed is missing the mattress before the canopy pops up. {jp2} * When Bart opens the safe, he only moves it clockwise twice (wouldn't this kill any purpose of security ... couldn't you just keep turning until the right number worked???) {reg} = The artwork on the cover of "Clue in the Clock" looks NOTHING like the actual Nancy Drew. {reg} + For most of the episode, Lisa wants to take good care of Mr. Burns's house, calling it sacred and helping cleaning, yet she rode a horse through the hallway. {jp2} * A social security number has three groups separated by hyphens, and no group can be all zeroes. {th} = Lisa is eating sloppy joes, which contain meat. [Andrew Morin counters, "They never specified what the sloppy joes were made out of. They could have made Lisa's out of Tofu or another similar substitute to accommodate her."] * Mr. Burns' robe fits Homer too nicely considering Homer is pounds heavier. {ol} + Homer didn't like the bikes with the big front wheels in 2F06. {er} * Isn't the sunline a bit useless, considering that the sun would be in a different spot at 2PM every week or something? {reg} + In "The Trouble with Trillions" Homer seems to grasp the idea of International water. {nc} - The Tyson vs. Secretariat poster is not on Moe's wall until Moe points to it. {ol} - In 4F03, Mike Tyson and Lucious Sweet were too different people. Here, they look the same. {er} * I notice Barney wasn't at Moe's when Homer named everyone in the bar, but appears when Homer says everyone is invited to his party. Was he in the bathroom? I would think he would want to watch the sun also. {jp2} + In "There's No Disgrace Like Home," and pretty much ever other episode with Burns Manor as a setting, there was no waterfront, or dock, on the backside of the estate. {nc} * Ship captains, on their own authority, cannot perform marriages. See . [Also, See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] {hl} - The dancing bull and man are missing an arm each in one cel that repeats. {jp2} = The two monkeys swap sides instantaneously. {jp2} - The "got tumor?" billboard was gone when they showed the Mayo Clinic after the first time. {th} = At the doctor's office, the clock changes from 2:02 to 3:09 back to 2:02. {kc} = There were MUCH fewer novelty germs when the doctor was trying to push them through the door. {fw} = The oversized novelty germs change size. {cg} * The Coast Guard does have legal authority to intervene in case of a ship hijacking if the ship is of US origin or is headed to a US port. {nc} = When the net is bobbing in the water, the net itself seems to bob differently from the ball of people. {ddg} = The snack machine "magically" appears at the end in Burn's mansion. {wb} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Nathan Birch: Well it's another pointless "caper" episode from veteran writer John Swartzwelder, who in my opinion should think about taking a break (or at least write less than 6 episodes a season). While the plot was pretty simple and superficial, at least the timing was better than usual. The jokes for the most part were pretty good, and they benefited from John's experience with the show, as the felt like Simpsons jokes, and contained a number of relatively well done META refs. In addition this episode managed to focus on all members of the family instead of just one or two, and for the most part the family stayed nicely in character. The problem is, is that this show used to deliver good jokes, as well as original intelligent plots, as it is this episode provided an entertaining if brainless half-hour. (B) Sarah Culp: Great first act, easily on par with earlier, more revered seasons. The whole awards show had me chuckling, as well as Burns' "speech." The second act was almost as good, for the first few minutes, but then came the stupidity. The ass-scratcher, the swirled drink getting everywhere ... Marge's hair drooping in the steam room was a nice touch, but was canceled out by Monty getting his face sucked into the tube. I liked Lenny and Carl's sun-watching, hated the entire stealing-the-yacht-to-sail-out-of-U.S-so-Homer-and-.co-can-drink plot. It all averaged out to a (C) Don Del Grande: This review can be summed up in four parts: awards ceremony with some lame Kent Brockman - Britney Spears routine - not funny; Homer makes a mess in Burns Manor - not funny; Homer and his friends go on a yacht, get caught by pirates, get thrown overboard, and that's pretty much it - not funny; Homer makes an inside joke about overpaid actors - okay, maybe that was a little funny. Maybe Swartzwelder is saving what good material he hasn't used already in case there ever is a movie? (C) Nicholas Di Candia: Many things bothered me about this episode: the Britney Spears appearance (I miss the times when "celebrities" would mock themselves), the fork joke (do you remember when The Simpsons used to make fun of this kind of humor?), the pirates (why on Earth do they have to make every episode a wacky adventure?) and the awful ending. I did laugh at some things: the Grammy disclaimer, the Tyson fight on international waters, the burning beds and a couple more. This was easily the worst of the season. (D) Curtis Gibby: Pretty dang good episode. "Took a bullet for Huey Long" had me rolling. The first and third acts were the best, in my opinion. Overall, I give it an (A) Tony Hill: This episode was downright silly. It was hard to tell even what the plot was. What was the plot? Once again we have another superfluous guest voice. There was plenty of comedy material within the mansion without the ridiculous "international waters" plot, whose donne was that Moe, who runs a book-making operation, would refuse to sell beer during blue hours on Sunday. (D) Carl Johnson: A rare venture into mediocrity whereby everything bad is balanced by something equally good. I really wish they would stop bringing gratuitous guest stars into the show, but just about all the scenes with Mr. Burns were great. The Tyson-Secretariat poster was the funniest thing I've seen in some time. A solid (C) Darrel Jones: More proof OFF's writers still have it. Except for a few ludicrous moments during the last act (the "net in the water" gag, for example), nothing was horribly wrong. Both of the "in-jokes" were excellent. I liked both Homer's gang in international waters, and Burns at the Mayo Clinic. Even Britney Spears's appearance was pretty cool. (A) Roy Kassinger: I really enjoyed act one ... sorta liked act two ... and thought the episode took a wrong turn as soon as Moe mentioned the 'international waters' thing . I think there were enough jokes here and there <"Mom! Bart's making faces at me ... I think", Burns getting jammed in the CAT scan like a paper copier, "I'm drunk!", Homer's talking through the end credits> to award it a (B-) Joe Klemm: The writers did a good job keeping things balanced with this episode. With a plot line that can carry a lot of jokes, a celebrity cameo that's not too long or not too short, and a hilarious bit at during the closing credits (especially Homer calling "Shooshie" a rich bastard), this has all the works for a good episode. However, there was a major flaw in it with the idea of Pirates taking over Burns's ship (I'd would have like to seen Homer accidentally stop the pirates attack. Other than that, this was a clever episode. (B) Ondre Lombard: Simpsons is not an absurd adventure comedy, and this episode definitely proves that. I believe Lisa is the only thing, period, that I liked about this episode. (For example, it's cute when she holds Maggie and then reads Nancy Drew. [...]) Britney Spears was useless; Mr. Burns has turned into a completely farcical caricature; it's completely unbelievable that Burns would let some slob whose identity he can never remember take care of his house when he's got dozens of cronies and associates he'd be more likely to leave his house to. There are countless other things flamboyantly sucked. I imagine even Seinfeld's stories had more point to them than this episode (and most episodes of late) had. Utter trash. (F) Patrick McGovern: Hm. I keep telling you people that Swartzwelder has been falling -- here's your proof. I have very little to say on the episode (except that I laughed a few -- very few -- times at Burns and Lenny), but it makes me appreciate "Take my wife, Sleaze" (an ep I was much too hard on) much more. Worst episode of the season, and worst since "Maximum Homerdrive". Oh yeah, and Britney Spears' appearance was just pointless. As if there was any doubt. (D-) Michael Nusair: A very silly episode. I thought that the first act was really good, and had quite a few funny parts. The look on Lenny's face during the awards show was hilarious. The second act was also okay, but the third act was just silly, and not very funny at all. And that pirate stuff was just plain stupid. So basically, the first half of the show was good, the second half ... Not so much. (C+) Chris Palm: The first time I watched this episode, it left me feeling a little flat. I then waited a few days to re-watch it. MUCH better the second time around. Wackiness, yes, but at least most of it was REALISTIC wackiness, if you know what I mean. The first act with the awards show was excellent; the second half slipped in quality a bit, but was still very good; then the wacky third act, which wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. (A-) Damian Penny: In a generally mediocre season, this one was a welcome return to form. Consistently funny all the way through, especially the unexpected Grammy Awards "disclaimer" and the oldest man in Springfield taking a bullet -- unfortunately, just one -- for Huey Long. Even a rather abrupt ending was redeemed by a funny (though truncated -- see below [in the "Comments" section]) closing-credits gag. (A-) Evan Ross: Oh, jeez! This was an instant classic. Finally, Homer is actually seen working at SNPP (I think the first time this season). Numerous laugh-out loud jokes involving Homer's "living the high life"; Homer was shown as a truly likeable guy. He wants to be rich, but can't. Mr. Burns is great comic fodder, and he's continually getting funnier as the series progresses. All of OFF was featured in good amounts, which is a change from the Homer-dominated episodes. The ending was a bit surreal, and took a little away from the episode. Other than that, it was great! (A-) Eric Sansoni: Here's an episode that revisits the gentle and inventive comedic tone of the show's past. The emphasis is on a barrage of clever sight gags, not shock value. Celebrities are not rabidly insulted, and the small number of violence and gross-out gags are executed with restraint. The plot is smoothly handled, coming out of the intro via a nice satirical transition, then sensibly developing into three interrelated threads that wrap up in ironic ways. Some moments (Burns' clones) work better than others (Barney is the wino, not Homer), but none insult your intelligence or make you scratch your head. The storyline is less than gripping to say the least, but the whole thing is a pleasant diversion. (B) Marco Trevisiol: While the combination of Swartzwelder and Homer/Burns has worked out better in the past, this was still a satisfying episode. The Springfield Pride Awards were quite funny (despite being a combined rehash of parts of 1F13 and 8F23) and the ending was spot-on as Swartzwelder had made the moral of 'you don't have to be rich to be happy' into such a trite one that there was nowhere else for the episode to finish. (B+) Yours Truly: "The Mansion Family" has a good premise, but is let down by the execution. The opening award ceremony was funny, but after that the show goes into its "anything goes" mode. I liked some of the jokes, such as the scene where the family sits down to dine at Burns' impossibly long table, but too many of the rest depend on "Richie Rich"-style hardware. On the other hand, Burns' subplot was amusing and inventive, and Britney Spears' appearance was better than I thought it would be. In the end, "The Mansion Family" isn't humor-impoverished, but the show is not as rich in laughs as it should be. (C+) AVERAGE GRADE: B- (2.56) Std Dev.: 1.1203 (30 reviews computed) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> Those eternal threads - Where is Springfield? Tony Hill says: Not in Minnesota. Kyle Noskoviak adds: We now have a location lock on Springfield. It is definitely on the ocean, as it is visible from international waters. So it's one of the maritime states with the postal abbreviation NT. That narrows it down. >> Meta-reference Corner Benjamin Robinson: During the credits, Homer says the cast isn't as rich as they should be. This is probably a reference to the tense salary negotiations between the voice cast and Fox, which took place not long before this episode first aired. >> Musical References Sam Bell: The song [the Coast Guard man was singing] was "china grove" by the Doobie Bros. >> Is this seat taken? Benjamin Robinson: If there's one thing that producers of award shows such as the Oscars like to see, it's a packed house. Empty seats in the auditorium stick out to the observant viewer, like the one burnt-out bulb in a movie theater marquee. The producers solved this problem by designating their young interns to be "seat fillers." Whenever someone in the audience leaves his seat -- to accept an award, for example -- the seat filler rushes in and fills the empty spot until the original seat-holder returns. The show producer is happy, because there's no unsightly gaps in the audience. The seat fillers are happy because they get to dress up and rub elbows with the stars. (Alas, they can't talk to them -- that's verboten.) As for the stars themselves, well, um, they get a nice warm seat when they return. >> Parade of celebrities Benjamin Robinson provides some mini-biographies: Britney Spears: Ms. Spears has a few hit singles to her credit. Unfortunately they're from the same school as Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync which means Spears has the same credibility as, oh, Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. Rumors abound that Spears' breasts have been surgically enhanced, but she steadfastly denies this. Al Unser, Jr.: Race-car driver. Unser is part of a family of drivers who have conquered the Indy 500. Unser, his dad (Al Unser, duh), and Bobby Unser have something like ten Indy victories among them. Princess Margaret: Sister of Elizabeth II, Queen of England. The whole Windsor family is horse-happy, which explains why Lisa sees herself as the Princess while riding through the Burns mansion. Here's an interesting coincidence (interesting if you're a naming freak like me): "Lisa" is a variant of the root name "Elizabeth," while "Maggie" is a nickname for "Margaret." Pity there's no "Bartholomew" in the royal family. Jimmy Smits: Handsome actor who appeared on "LA Law," as a member of the Mackenzie & Brackman firm. He left that show, and a few years later turned up on "NYPD Blue," replacing that Caruso fellow as he went on to movie mega-stardom. Haynes Lee adds: Charles Manson: Psycho hippie whose "family" murdered Roman Polanski's pregnant wife Sharon Tate and her other house guests. (this is an old reference which is lost on viewers younger than 103 years) >> The beer of Danish kings! Our man in Denmark, Claus Rasmussen, reports: In "The Mansion Family" Homer asks Moe for his best foreign sounding imported beer, and Moe suggests Tuborg, "The Beer of Danish Kings". Tuborg is not only foreign sounding, it is also an actual beer, which can be bought in every single Danish supermarket (except for SHØP, and only by people over 15, that is). [John Jensen notes, "It also is sold in the US" -- Ed.] It used to be the second largest label in Denmark, until it joined with Carlsberg and Forenede Bryggerier (United Breweries) and formed Carlsberg A/S, but the labels are still sold separately. Moe's "The Beer of Danish Kings"-quote probably refers to the classical Danish phrase: "Leverandør til det kongelige danske hof" (Purveyor to the Royal Danish Court), which is used on everything from ketchup bottles to beer. And yes, Tuborg uses that line, too. John Jensen goes on to add: In fact the joke would have been much funnier if Moe had said Meister Brau. That is a foreign SOUNDING beer that is swilled right here in the good ole US. >> got mayo? Tony Hill notes: Not egregious enough to be a goof, the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. doesn't look much like the campus shown, although the modern building at right looked somewhat like the modern cruciform building at the center of the complex. Incidentally, the clinic is officially Mayo Medical Center, although nearly everyone calls it by its traditional name. >> A box *what* now? David G. Hill explains: A "box social" is a type of mixer from the turn of the century or even earlier. The women of a town make box lunches, which are then bid on by the men, with the winner getting to eat the lunch with the maker of the lunch. Just up Homer's alley James Allen adds: An example of one was in the film/play "Oklahoma." >> "When the sun hits this line, we can drink again!" Eric May asks: Why did Moe say that they had wait until 2pm to drink. What was he talking about? Mark J. Finegold answers: Many, if not most states do not permit the sale of alcohol on Sunday morning. Here in Michigan, the start time is 12 noon. The thinking is that hey, what the hell are you doing with a beer on Sunday morning, why aren't you in church? James Allen: Same in NJ. Bars and liquors stores don't open until noon. Further, individual towns/counties can set their own hours as well. There is still a county in NJ [Bergen County] where retail stores can't be open on Sunday. Daniel McConnell adds to the list: Indiana, and I think Pennsylvania, (and surely many more) both forbid selling alcohol on Sunday. Speaking of Pennsylvania, Keystone State resident John Jensen writes: First off there's the whole beer/liquor ordeal. BEER can only be purchased in cases at a distributor. (same place you'd get a keg ...) 6 Packs can only be purchased for carry out from a bar, and THEN you are limited to 2. You can not buy any beer or liquor from grocery or convenience stores. That would be a little TOO convenient. Then, up until a couple years ago, you weren't allowed to advertise any prices in liquor ads. That means bars had a HELL of a time getting people to come to happy hour. But they lifted that insanity. Sundays are dry--no bars--but restaurants are allowed to serve. Ken Farris: In Georgia (yes, there is a Springfield Ga.) It's illegal to sell alcohol on Sundays for liquor stores, grocery stores, and bars. Exceptions are made if you serve food, such as a restaurant, then you can serve all day. Very odd. [Hmm ... doesn't Moe serve pickled eggs? That's sort of a food -- Ed.] Nor Cal explains the reason for all these crazy laws: The Sunday alcohol laws are a holdover from Puritan times. In those days it was actually against the law to not go to church on Sunday! To discourage people from non church functions certain laws were enacted to keep people in the pews. A ban on alcohol sales was one of them, other laws restricted bank transactions, or even farm harvesting. A lot of these laws were repealed, or modified over the years. Some states began just having time limits, like before 2:00PM. Indiana, Pennslyvania, and South Carolina still retain these laws. Lots of New England small towns still harbor them too. This March South Carolina will have a ballot proposition to repeal this old outdated legislation. I feel it is an inherent violation of the 1st amendment, and should therefore be illegal by way of Supreme Court action. But I don't recommend alcohol consumption of any kind. >> They also can't perform a briss at sea Richard E. Green quotes a book called, "Everything You Know is Wrong": "At the end of 'African Queen', Bogart and Hepburn are married by the captain of a ship that rescued them, so they can enjoy conjugal bliss until their obvious and complete incompatibility catches up with them in a week or so. Adding spice to the relationship is the fact that they wouldn't actually be legally married. The captain of a ship has no particular power to perform weddings, as was established in a 1898 case, Norman v Norman. Regulations in the US, British and Soviet navies, as well as those of other nations, specifically prohibit a commanding officer from performing marriage ceremonies. The belief that the captain has such authority is probably based on the almost total power he exercises while at sea" [Mr. Green adds, "Then again, McAllister isn't a real captain and everything over international water IS legal!"] >> "Frankly, sir, one is too many." Speaking of urban legends, Daniel L. Dreibelbis writes: Smithers having been told by the Mayo Clinic that a creature (an earwig?) laid eggs in his brain [is an urban legend]. This legend (which is referred to by Jan Harold Brunvand as "A Bug In The Ear") can be found in Brunvand's book CURSES! BROILED AGAIN! on pages 40-43. >> Life imitates art Haynes Lee: Last week the major U.S. Television networks (including Fox) launched a lawsuit against the Canadian internet company ICRAVETV.COM for broadcasting their signals over the internet in a similar way the boat with the giant dish was re-broadcasting major league games. >> Car Watch of the Rich and Famous Benjamin Robinson: Burns' car -- at least the one Homer drove to the tavern - - closely resembled a Rolls Royce Phantom VI. The real thing didn't have three ignition switches or live fox-stole seat belts, but then again there was a certain degree of customization involved in building these. >> The closing credits Fox didn't want you to hear! Damian Penny discovers a good reason to live in Canada: The episode ends with Homer crying about how he is no longer rich like all the people whose names show up in the closing credits. Airing on Fox, the closing credits prematurely end so a Malcolm in the Middle promo can run; I saw the episode earlier on NTV (CTV affiliate in St. John's, Newfoundland), and Homer keeps crying all the way to the Gracie Films logo. When the "Supervising Producer for Gracie Films" credit comes up, Homer stops crying and says "Ah, he's poor". Hopefully we'll get another look at this in syndication. [Boo! It used to be that when a running gag ran past the final scene, Fox would leave the end credits alone. They picked a fine time to change their minds -- Ed.] >> Miscellaneous, Etc. The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is: Simpsons Family Values Wilson Banswell reports (via UltimateTV.com) that "The Mansion Family" garnered 12.5 rating (17 share) the night it aired. Sarah Culp: The first Nancy Drew book was actually called "The Secret of the Old Clock." I guess they embellished the title to compensate for the edited profanity. Curtis Gibby: To me, Britney Spears looked like an animated Baby Spice (shudder), not herself. Tony Hill: Secretariat, who won the Triple Crown in 1973, died at 19 in 1989. Benjamin Robinson: There really are banned Nancy Drew (and Hardy Boys) books, but this is because they used outdated racial and ethnic stereotypes. Benjy Shyovitz: The cow smashing the glass during its wedding on the boat is a reference to Jewish weddings. The husband smashes a glass under his foot just as they are pronounced by the rabbi to be husband & wife. ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary ============================================================================== % The city of Springfield celebrates excellence within its ranks with % the Springfield Pride Awards. The event has drawn most of the town % to the Civic Arena. Tonight's emcees are local news anchor Kent % Brockman, and pop singer Britney Spears. Judging by audience % applause, Britney's the one who has captured the crowd's enthusiasm. % % Homer is confident that this is his year. Marge is more doubtful, % recalling the pre-award buzz about Lenny. Kent: Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend. A man who brings laughter and joy to the children of Springfield. Homer: [gasps in anticipation] Britney: With his big red nose and his baggy pants ... [Homer stands up] Kent: ... Krusty the Clown! Krusty: [gets up, blocking our view of Homer] Hey, hey! Homer: What?! [tries to sit back down, but a young man in a tuxedo already occupies his seat] Who are you? Man: Seat filler. [dejected, Homer sits down in the aisle. The seat filler puts his arm around Marge] -- "The Mansion Family" % As the night wears on, everyone in the auditorium has collected an % award. That is, everyone except Homer. Homer: Everyone gets an award but me. Marge: I can't help it if I donated the most blood. Ohh, but I'm feeling kind of woozy. [passes out. Homer reaches for her award, but she rouses herself in time to slap away his hand] Homer: Oh, why won't anyone give me an award? Lisa: You won a Grammy. Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning. ["award show"-style music plays while a disclaimer scrolls by on the screen, reading, "LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Mr. Simpson's opinions does not reflect those of the producers, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all."] -- With that attitude, you'll never win one, "The Mansion Family" % The awards continue. Britney: You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture, we sometimes forget that older people are still alive. [cut to Abe, who is arguing with the seat-filler] Abe: I told ya! Man: [not too apologetic] Well, Sor-ry! [leaves] [back to Britney and Kent] Kent: And that's why our final award honors a man who's lived in Springfield for 108 years -- our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman. [applause. A film showing highlights of Mr. Chapman's life begins to play] Britney: Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield, and introduced the toothbrush to our fair city. [the film shows residents of the town pondering this new invention, and then using it. They smile widely] Kent: For years, he was Springfield's only basketball player, but he still managed to entertain the crowd. [Chapman dribbles the ball, and tries a pass, but there's no one there to catch it] Britney: In the market crash of 1929, he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace. [the film shows Chapman doing just that] Chapman: [on film] You're doing the right thing. Oh, oh, out you go! [a heavyset man appears at the window] My, you're a big one. No, no, no ... no turning back now. [the heavyset man jumps] [cut to the audience] Moe: Off a tall building -- that's a great way to do it! [back to the stage] Kent: And in 1935, our honoree took a bullet for Huey Long. [in the film, Chapman dives in front of a bullet meant for Mr. Long. Unfortunately, several other bullets have already struck Long] -- It's the thought that counts, "The Mansion Family" % Britney calls the "totally venerable" Chapman onstage. He takes his % award statue, and Britney kisses him on the cheek. Chapman % immediately clutches his chest, and dies. Oops. Nudging Chapman's % body out of the way with his foot, Kent tries to figure out to whom % the award should go. He has those over 60 stand up. Then, over 70, % 80, 90, and finally 100. Homer and Burns are the last two standing. % Marge tells the thirtysomething Homer to sit down, leaving Burns as % Springfield's oldest living resident. % % Burns walks onstage. Burns: Gosh, this is all so sudden. [Britney goes to plant a kiss on him, but Burns jumps aside] Don't give me the kiss of death, you black widow! Kent: [pries the award from Mr. Chapman's hands] Boy, he didn't want to let go of that. [the audience laughs. Kent hands the award to Burns] Burns: See I, I, don't have a speech prepared but, uh, abra- cadaver! [reaches into Chapman's coat pocket-and pulls out a three-page speech] [reading from the speech] Thank you all so much. I love Springfield from cuddliest infant ... [grimaces and rifles through the rest of the speech] puppies, patriotism, bluebirds -- pffft! I'm not reading this drivel. [tosses the speech aside] This speech is over. [takes his award and walks off to a smattering of applause] -- "The Mansion Family" % The awards have all been given out, but Homer is determined to walk % away with *something.* He leaves the show dragging a giant award % that was once part of the set. % % The next day, Burns muses on his advancing years. Burns: Now that I'm the town's oldest man, I'm starting to realize I'm not a young man anymore. I'll have to start taking better care of myself. You know, I haven't had a medicino check-up in ages. Smithers: Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world. I'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. Burns: Very well, but I'll need someone to watch my house. Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc? Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir? [points Simpson out on the video monitors. True to his reputation, he takes a saw to his safety console] Burns: Yes! The way I see it, he's due for a good performance! -- And pigs are due to start flying, "The Mansion Family" % As Burns gets ready to leave for Minnesota, he instructs Marge to % call the fire department if the house catches fire. "They're new, % but they're good," he testifies. Marge assures Burns and Smithers % that the family will take good care of Burns' mansion. % % Inside, Homer, wearing a smoking jacket and top hat, slides down the % banister. Unable to stop at the end, he zooms off and smacks % straight into a painting on the wall, lodging himself inside the % frame. Just then, Smithers pops back inside to get something he % forgot. Homer laughs sheepishly and gives him the thumbs-up. % % [End of Act One. Time: 5:17] % % Marge marvels at Burns' master bedroom, which is the size of the % Simpsons' entire house. Homer demonstrates the auto-bed-making % mechanism, which drops the old bed under the floor to be % incinerated, while a new, identical bed falls from the ceiling. % "Wasteful *and* practical," he declares. % % Next, Homer tries out the mechanical dressing dealy, but it's % evidently not adjusted for someone of his size. After several % seconds of painful-sounding gear noises, Homer emerges, a little % worse for the wear but ready to hit the town. % % Meanwhile, Bart sneaks down the hallway, looking behind the % paintings on the wall as he goes. Finally, he finds the wall-safe % hidden behind one of the paintings. Cracking the safe with the ease % one doesn't see in the average ten-year-old nowadays, he opens the % door, revealing a guard in a Beefeater-type costume. The guard % tells the startled boy to close the door, and Bart quickly does so. % % Lisa (with Maggie in her arms) checks out Burns' comprehensive % collection of Nancy Drew books. He even has the controversial "Clue % in the Clock." She picks the book off the shelf and flips through % it. "So many swears," Lisa muses to herself. % % Bart races a golf cart through the hall. Bart: [knocking over a table] I'm Al Unser, Jr.! Lisa: [following Bart on horseback, and jumping over the table] I'm Princess Margaret! Homer: [following Lisa on a riding mower] I'm drunk! [mows the table into little bits] -- "The Mansion Family" % Blissfully unaware of what's going on back home, Burns and Smithers % sit in the waiting room of the Mayo Clinic. A doctor and the Pope % walk through the door. Doctor: It's nothing serious; just lay off the chili and you should be fine. Castro: [sitting nearby, snickers] Pope: Don't you laugh, Fidel. I've been in the car with you. [pan to Burns, who is filling out the admissions form] Burns: Let's see, social security number ... naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt. [continuing to read] Cause of parents' death ... got in my way. -- Something hereditary, no doubt, "The Mansion Family" % The family sits down to a simple dinner, served on a banquet table % that can seat at least fifty people. Lisa: Mom! Bart's making faces at me! [looks through a pair of opera glasses, but Bart is still a tiny figure in the distance] I think. Homer: Look how loud I have to yell! Marge: [looks at her place setting] This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes. Hmm, I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one. [holds up a long, thin fork] Homer: [mock-sophisticate accent] Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it. Marge: Homer, watch your lang-- [tries the fork in the suggested manner] Ohh, that's a life-saver. -- Modern manners, "The Mansion Family" % After dinner, the family retires to the drawing room. Bart tries to % smoke a cigar, but Marge snatches it away, telling him cigars are % only for rich people and comedy legends. Homer pours a glass of % brandy and swirls it, spilling much of the glass' contents. Marge % accuses Homer of jimmying open Burns' liquor cabinet, which he % deflects by saying "jimmy" is such an ugly word -- "unless you're % talking about Jimmy Smits." % % Lisa tries to be the voice of reason. Lisa: But house-sitting is a sacred -- [she's splashed by some errant brandy] Hey! Marge: Stop swirling, Homer! Homer: Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's going to take it away from me. Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody. [gulps down the brandy] And another thing, if I have ... [passes out, dropping the brandy glass. It rolls until it bumps Homer's head, making a pleasant clinking sound] -- "The Mansion Family" % Next morning, Homer makes a few phone calls from the sauna. Homer: Operator, get me Thailand. T, I ... and so on. Marge: [walking in] Homer, who are you calling? Homer: Everybody! I found Burnsie's address book. I called the New York Yankees and told them to bunt, then I called the Queen of England and asked her how it was going! And then I -- Marge: [interrupting] Well, don't run up Mr. Burns' phone bill. Homer: Just a second, Marge. [on phone] Hello, Thailand? How's everything on your end? Uh, huh. That's some language you got there. And you talk like that 24/7, huh? [Marge takes the phone from him and hangs it up] Hey! Marge: Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house. You're not a billionaire. Homer: Jeez, way to burst my bubble, Marge. Marge: All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow. Homer: Marge, you're right. We *do* have to have a party. Marge: Party!? No! No parties! Homer: What about par-tay? Marge: No part-tays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials. Homer: Damn! And I looked so good on that bike! [looks at a box social invitation, which has a picture of him on an old- fashioned bicycle. Marge takes it from him] -- Box social pooper, "The Mansion Family" % At the Mayo Clinic, Burns asks the doctor to test him for % everything, gesturing to a chart entitled, "Diseases You Can Have." % The doctor starts by trying to draw a blood sample, but the % syringe's needle pokes clean through Burns' arm. Burns offers his % other arm, since he saw some blood there the other day. % % Next, Burns is tested on a breath-endurance machines. It's one of % those contraptions where the patient blows into a tube of liquid to % keep a ping-pong ball aloft. After blowing for a few seconds, % Burns' face is sucked twelve centimeters into the machine. The % nurse on duty deems this a good result. % % Burns is a bit too old for the stair-climber test, so the clinic % uses an escalator test instead. Burns rides up a short (perhaps two % feet high) escalator, than takes a down-escalator back to where he % started. % % Finally, Burns is put through a CAT-scan machine. Unfortunately, % his body jams in the mechanism, and a technician is called in to % free him. % % While Burns is extricated from the scanner, Homer drives one of the % old man's cars to Moe's Tavern. Homer: Having a party, Moe. I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer. Moe: How 'bout Tuborg -- the beer of Danish kings. Homer: Mmmm ... danish. Moe: Now you know I can't sell you no beer until 2 p.m. on account of it's Sunday. Homer: Huh? If you can't sell beer what are Lenny and Carl doing here? Carl: Huh? Oh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky. [points to a sunbeam shining through the door window onto the tavern floor. A line labeled "Drinking Time" is inscribed on the floor] Lenny: When it gets to here, [indicates the line] we can drink again. Homer: But I need that beer now! Moe: Sorry, 2 p.m. Or you can steal a boat and sail out to international waters, heh. Homer: What's that, a theme park? Moe: No, the ocean. Once you get twelve miles out, there's no laws at all. That's where they held the Tyson-Secretariat fight. [indicates a souvenir poster from that bout] Homer: [laughs] They were so drunk. Gentlemen, get off your knees. Your rich uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen! [leaves] [opens door and pokes head back in] And you're invited. [bar patrons cheer] -- Oh, *now* you say so, "The Mansion Family" % Marge somehow gets wind of the plan and tries to stop Homer and his % party posse from boarding the yacht. Homer says it's now or never % for the party, since he may never be rich for real. Marge starts to % say something doubtlessly touching about how she'll always love her % husband, but she's interrupted when Lenny announces he found another % way onto the boat. The partygoers stream up the gangplank, leaving % Marge alone on the dock. % % [End of Act Two. Time: 11:39] % % Cap'n Homer gives the command to set sail. Lisa tries to reassure % her mother, but Marge can't help but notice that the boat is leaving % the dock sideways. A well-placed jetty knocks the vessel into the % proper orientation, and the party boat is on its way. Carl: Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, eh, things are gettin' real ugly. [cut to Moe, who stands in front of a keg of beer, holding off the advancing crowd with a bullwhip] Moe: I can't sell you beer until we cross the line! Barney: Legally, you can give us free beer. [Moe whips him] Ow! -- Or maybe not, "The Mansion Family" % Lenny asks Moe for some rubbing alcohol, and Moe tosses him a % bottle. When he tries to drink it, Moe whips the bottle out of his % hands. % % Finally, the yacht crosses the line. We made it son. International waters -- the land that law forgot! -- Homer Simpson, "The Mansion Family" % Homer is not the only one taking advantage of the high sea's lax % legal standards. On one yacht, a bevy of bikini-clad women dance to % the latest tunes. Cowboys on another vessel brawl like they were in % a wild, wild Western movie. On another boat, a live bullfight takes % place. Bart is impressed. Bart: Wow, you can do anything out here! Homer: That's right. See that ship over there? [points to a ship with a large satellite dish on it] They're re- broadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent -- or so the legend goes. -- "The Mansion Family" % On yet another ship, Cap'n McAllister marries a man and a cow. % After the cow breaks the ritual wedding glass (hey, at least the % man's marrying a kosher animal), the Cap'n presents the wedded % couple with a basket of illegal fireworks. % % Back on Burns' yacht, Homer exults, "There are no laws! We can do % anything we want -- anything!" Lenny kicks him in the shins, and % Homer berates his lack of maturity. (Lenny's, that is, not Homer's % own.) % % At the Mayo Clinic, Burns receives the results of his tests. Burns: Well, doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests. You may shake my hand if you like. Doctor: Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not. Burns: Eh? Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia? Doctor: Yes. Burns: Juvenile diabetes? Doctor: Yes. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy? Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered -- in you. Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes? Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not. Burns: This sounds like bad news. Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain. Burns: Well ... [looks at his watch] [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk] Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see? [bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk] And these are oversized novelty germs. [points to a different one up as he names each disease] That's influenza, that's bronchitis, [holds up one] and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. [tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck] [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Move it, chowderhead! [normal voice] We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome." Burns: So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible! Doctor: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could -- Burns: Indestructible. -- Diagnosis: Indestructible, "The Mansion Family" % Marge and Lisa busily clean the house, upholding the sacred bond to % keep the place exactly as Burns left it. They even scrub down a % laboratory, even though the family was never in there. Several jars % in the lab contain homunculi that resemble Burns and Smithers. % Unfazed, Marge cleans a spot of dirt from one of the jars. % % The party rolls on full blast in international waters. Homer % considers the lives of those back on land, smugly noting they are % unaware of "the simple joys of a monkey knife fight." (One of which % is taking place on the yacht at that very moment.) % % Bart teases a Coast Guard cutter holding position just inside United % States national waters. Bart: [through a bullhorn] Hey, Coast Guard! Try to stop us now, you lousy Americans. Coast Guard: [through a loudspeaker] We can't hear you! Come three hundred feet closer! Bart: Nice try. You're not going to nail us. Coast Guard: But we just want to party. Bart: Oh, really? Then play some rock music. [Man on cutter mimics the guitar riff from "China Grove"] Homer: [joins in] Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the Doobs! [Bart and Homer continue mimicking the music, and start dancing] Who's the greatest millionaire in the world? [the other guests join in] Crowd: You are! -- Party on, Homer, "The Mansion Family" % Homer's bash soon draws unwanted attention from pirates. Peering through a spyglass, he sees the party on Burns' boat. Mate: [collapsing the spyglass] Looks like another homosexual party boat. They always have such nice things. Captain: Perhaps we should pay them a visit. Mate: A deadly visit? Captain: Well, let's play it by ear. -- "The Mansion Family" % Unaware of the danger, Homer keeps dancing on the deck of the yacht. % He momentarily dances away from the crowd, and then back toward % them. In this brief span of time, his party guests are replaced by % the menacing pirates. Homer tries his away-and-back move once more, % but the pirates are still there. % % Homer asks the captain if they are friendly pirates; needless to % say, they are not. Underscoring this point, Homer's guests are % trapped in a net suspended ten or twenty feet above the deck. The % pirates probe the net with sticks, releasing coins, wallets, and % Moe's bus pass. % % The captain sets a course for "Hidden Pirate Island," which is also % called "Hong Kong." Homer desperately calls the Coast Guard for % assistance. Homer: Help! Pirates! Coast Guard: Navy SEALs are on the way. Homer: Oh, bless you. Coast Guard: How about a tactical nuclear strike? Homer: Oh, that would be just ... [realizes] oh, you're just yanking my chain, aren't you? Coast Guard: Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question. [foghorn makes the "mwah-mwaaaah" sound] -- "The Mansion Family" % The pirates order Homer into the net. He refuses and fights the % captain, knocking off all four of the parrots riding the pirate's % shoulders. Grabbing a knife from one of the fighting monkeys in one % hand, Homer climbs a ladder and reaches for a rope. He tries to % swing down to the weather deck, but rope burns make him lose his % grip. He crashes on the deck and suddenly gets charley horse. % Clasping the knife in his mouth, he massages his calf. The knife % cuts his lips, and when Homer lets go of it, it sticks in his left % hand. Surrounded, Homer concedes defeat, and winds up in the net % with the other guests. % % The pirates have moved the net, so that it is now suspended over the % ocean. Lenny: Some party, Homer. Homer: Shut up, Net Face. Lenny: Hey, you're in the net, too. Homer: I said, shut up, Net Face! Moe: Aw, we're going to die and I never tasted cantaloupe. Krusty: Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon. Captain: And now, we will cut you loose. For liability purposes, it is he ocean that will kill you, not us. -- Ferocious *and* legally savvy, "The Mansion Family" % The net falls into the sea, and then bobs on the surface. Moe: Hey, whaddaya know? It floats! Homer: That was my plan all along. Now, relax and the currents will take us home. Bart: What about the people on the bottom? Homer: They're the greatest heroes of all. Hey! Something's clawing at my leg! [pause] Okay, it stopped. -- "The Mansion Family" % Thanks to Marge and Lisa, Burns manor's 137 rooms are spic-and-span. % Just in time, too, for Burns and Smithers walk up the front steps. Burns: Smithers old chum, there's nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health. Oh, and sorry about your news. Smithers: Thank you, sir. Burns: Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain? Smithers: I prefer not to know. Frankly, one is too many. -- "The Mansion Family" % Burns takes a quick inventory. Although the mansion has the "foul % stench of youth," Burns is glad to see that the Ming vase on the % narrow column wasn't knocked over, and that no one has fed his rare % coins into the nearby vending machine. Homer rushes in, and breaks % the news about the yacht. Burns takes it in stride. % % The losing monkey from the knife fight stumbles in. Burns cradles % him in his arms, and tells Smithers, "This monkey's going to need % most of your skin." % % The Simpsons return to their original home. Lisa: Ah, it's good to be home. Homer: I don't know; after living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump. Bart: Nah, it's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. [does so] Marge: Bart, stop that! [to Homer] Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need, right here. Homer: That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have ... [start to cry] Oh, I can't even finish. I want to be rich! [drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear] Like these guys! [the credits for the actors roll] And look at all these rich people, here! Not as rich as they should be, of course, but still rich. [the Gracie Films logo appears, and the woman shushes someone in the audience] Don't shush me, you rich bastard! -- "The Mansion Family" % [End of Act Three. Time (up to "rich bastard"): 20:30] ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {cg} Curtis Gibby {cp} Chris Palm {ddg} Don Del Grande {dj} Darrel Jones {dp} Damian Penny {ds} Dave Sibley {er} Evan Ross {fw} Fox Wolf {hl} Haynes Lee {ja} James Allen {jc} Jeff Cross {je} Jordan Eisenberg {jg2} Joe Green {jk} Joe Klemm {jp2} Jerry P {kc} Kay Carina {kn} Kyle Noskoviak {nc} Nor Cal {ol} Ondre Lombard {reg} Richard E. Green {rk} Roy Kassinger {sm} Seth Miller {th} Tony Hill {wb} Wilson Banswell ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2001 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2001 Benjamin Robinson. This capsule has been brought to you by the Hidden Pirate Island tourist board. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.