E-I-E-I-(ANNOYED GRUNT) Written by Ian Maxtone-Graham Directed by Bob Anderson ============================================================================== Production code: AABF19 Original Airdate on FOX: 7-Nov-1999 Capsule revision B (27-Mar-2000) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" Synopsis ============================================================================== (United States) To avoid a duel, Homer moves the Simpsons to Grandpa's old farm, and grows a profitable, but dangerous, hybrid crop. Voices: Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner. {bjr} (Canadian) Homer discovers that green acres is the place to be. {hl} ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: I DID NOT WIN THE / NOBEL FART PRIZE Couch: The couch has been roped off, like at a trendy club. Some trendy people and a mirrored discotheque ball are already on the "good" side of the rope. The family runs up, and a bouncer waves in Marge, Maggie, Bart, and Lisa. Homer is denied entry. ============================================================================== > Did You Notice... ============================================================================== ... the "smoking" (as opposed to "no smoking") sign in the limousine's lavatory? ... the gas tank on the family's car was overflowing at Donny's Discount Gas? Don Del Grande: ... in the scene where Homer is in the "swimmin' hole", Bart and Lisa have "Anivision eyes", despite this being a Rough Draft episode? ... Homer planted candy corn? ... it never occurred to Marge to sell the mincemeat pies as something to get the taste of tomacco out of people's mouths? ... since only Homer (and his family) knows the secret of growing tomacco, how come he didn't grow more -- or sell the secret to Laramie, now that the only crops are gone? ... the color of Homer's mincemeat pie? Is it supposed to be that red? Ben Fonter: ... that you can buy Pork Rinds at the Googolplex for $3.99 and Homer didn't buy any, even though he loves Pork Rinds? Curtis Gibby: ... this is the second time this season that "Booty Call" has been referenced? (Yeesh!) ... the number on the boat in the Buzz Cola commercial is "107"? ... Homer's pretty good with those ketchup bottles? ... Homer slapped Gil at the Kwik-e-Mart? (Woo-hoo, someone had to do it!) ... this is the second time we've seen a headstone with Homer's name on it? ... one of the farmers wears a John Deere hat? ... this episode features both pie and suicide? (Chris P. will be overjoyed.) [It's an inside joke -- Ed.] Joe Green: ... the Isotopes pennant at Moe's? Carl Johnson: ... Gummi Bears are stored next to tobacco and tomatoes? Darrel Jones: ... the Zorro movie has a speaking taco, according to the closing credits? ... the limo's bathroom looked like one you'd find on a commercial jet? Joe Klemm: ... the Kwik-E-Mart now sells gravestones? ... the Confederate flag on the Southern Guy's RV? ... Maggie pointing at the raccoon that bites Homer? ... the family accepts food stamps as payment for Tomacco? [Well, it technically is a food -- Ed.] Haynes Lee: ... tractor wheels spinning backwards due to optical illusion that plagues many Hollywood western movies? Patrick McGovern: ... the sheep has bloodshot eyes? Damian Penny: ... Laramie Tobacco is featured, but we don't see Jack Larson? ... this episode, with a tobacco-related storyline, aired the same weekend "The Insider" opened? ... the B-52s parodied their own song? Frank Reese: ... Homer has only one sock on when he undresses for the "swimming hole?" Tom Rinschler: ... Lisa sitting in the front seat of the car when Homer is hiding in the Christmas tree? ... the Buzz Cola ad on the front of the desk of the country store? Benjamin Robinson: ... the movie's casting director hired a woman the play the part of the man in the iron mask? ... the "Fox production logo" music as the audience leaves the theater? ... the skeletonized horse or cow in front of the farmhouse? ... Homer decided to plant Gummi bears after all? ... Homer can do backflips pretty well? ... Bart extinguishes the "tomacco" by stepping on it the way you would put out a spent cigarette? ... Maggie naps through the negotiations? ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Farmer 2?) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Clerk, Man in the Iron Mask, Zorro, Movie credit rapper, Snake, Moe, Apu, Cletus, Chief Wiggum) - Harry Shearer (Announcer, Soldier, Musketeer, Scarlet Pimpernel, King Arthur?, Principal Skinner, Colonel, Flanders, Farmer 1, Sneed, Exec, Pilot, J. P.) - Special Guest Voice - The B-52's (Themselves (vocals only)) - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel) - Frank Welker (Barnyard animals) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Operator) - Tress MacNeille (Agnes Skinner, Mindy) - Maggie Roswell (Lady) - Karl Wiedergott (Carter) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" (song) - the title parodies the song's refrain, "E-I-E-I-O" + "Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace" (movie) + "My Dinner with Andre" (movie) - "My Dinner With Jar Jar" is a two-fer reference - [{bjr}: "Jar Jar was the love-him-or-hate-him character from 'Star Wars,' in case you somehow missed the film"] + "Mars Needs Women" (movie) {bjr} - "Mars Needs Towels" parodies this B-movie + "That 70's Show" (TV series) - there's a "That 70's Movie" playing at the googolplex + "Das Boot" + "Booty Call" {dp} - "Das Booty Call" on the theater marquee + "Shakespeare in Love" (movie) {jg2} - "Shakespeare in Heat" + "Saving Private Ryan" (movie) - inspires the tacky Buzz Cola ad + "Mask of Zorro" (movie) - Zorro uses his sword to gradually slice off heroine's dress - presence of Anthony Hopkins + "The Three Musketeers" + "The Man in the Iron Mask" + "The Scarlet Pimpernel" (movies and books) - all these movies/books (plus "Mask of Zorro") are lampooned in "The Poke of Zorro" - [{jc} notes, "As 'Man' is the sequel to 'Musketeers,' it's ironic to note that Zorro fights him after fighting the Musketeers"] + "King Arthur" (legend) {bjr} - legendary king makes an improbable appearance in "The Poke of Zorro" + "Gus" (movie) {al} - 1976 Disney Movie about a field-goal-kicking mule (the title character, of course) [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + Q-Tip (brand of cotton swab) {bjr} - Snake compares Marge's hair to this brand of cotton swab + The B-52s' "Love Shack" (song) - "Glove Slap" song, which is actually sung by the B-52's for the show + Kentucky Fried Chicken/Colonel Sanders (fast food chain/spokesman) {tr} - the dueling colonel similar - [{tr} goes on, "There was a KFC commercial after the first act" See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + Foghorn Leghorn (cartoon character) - the colonel says "Sir, I say, sir" much like Foghorn Leghorn - [{ah} adds, "Which, incidentally, was a take on the Senator Claghorn character from the Fred Allen show radio show in the 1940s."] - "Back to the Future, Part III" (movie) {jg2} - Homer (cf. Marty McFly) worrying about a duel the next morning while looking at a tombstone with his own name on it - "The Dukes of Hazzard" (TV series) {jg2} - the colonel's RV has a Confederate flag on the roof and a musical horn, like the General Lee + Yosemite Sam (cartoon character) {rg} - the Southern colonel's mud flaps have a character resembling him - "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (movie) {rg} - a master swordsman wages an attack, and the other guy just calmly pulls a gun on him + "Lassie" (TV series) {tr} - Homer says "Go get Lassie" + "Oklahoma" (Broadway musical) - corn as high as an elephant's eye - lyrics from "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning" + "Waiting to Exhale" (movie) {tr} - Homer mentions the movie + "The Amazing Colossal Man" (movie) {jg2} - Homer mentions this movie - Frankenfood (genetically altered food) {hl} - was supposed to be a non-issue in North America but is a big controversy in Europe ~ "Gilligan's Island" (TV series) {tr} - one episode featured radioactive vegetables with strange properties + "Green Acres" (TV series) - theme song played during the farming montage ~ "Austin Powers" (movie) {cj} - wherein a million dollars is a paltry amount, but a billion dollars is a dangerous number for which to ask + "Night of the Living Dead" (movie) {jg2} - scene of animals (cf. zombies) invading the house is similar - "Animal Farm" by George Orwell {jc} - farm animals driving humans off a farm - "Aliens" (movie) {kh} - the sheep on the helicopter was like the rescue craft in the movie crashing as a result of an alien hitchhiker ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - [7G03] Homer contemplates suicide {jg2} - [7F08] Miniature golf with a hole where you putt through Lincoln's legs {ddg} - [8F19] Googolplex theater seen {cp} - [1F01], [4F17] Simpsons lose big money opportunity {ndc} - [2F07] Homer's old country house shown - [3F06] Homer's tombstone looked like the one in this episode {ah} - [3F06] Someone makes a tombstone for Homer {dj} - [4F17] Lisa refuses big money from a "bad" person {dj} - [4F18] Donny's Discount Gas appears - [4F18] Raccoon attacks Homer's face {hl} - [4F22] Tommy Tune referenced {bjr} - [5F06] Someone says "Boo-yah!" {dj} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - Googolplex Marquee SPRINGFIELD GOOGOLPLEX THEATER 31 | MY DINNER WITH JAR JAR 34 | SHAKESPEARE IN HEAT 32 | MARS NEEDS TOWELS 35 | FACE PUNCHER IV 33 | THAT 70'S MOVIE 36 | DAS BOOTY CALL - Snack bar menu (visible parts) {bjr} PEANUTS 1.50 PORK RINDS 3.95 PRETZELS SQUISHEE POTATO C___S FRENCH F___E_ ["All highly healthy snack treats," notes {cg}] - End credits to "The Poke of Zorro" {oe} Cast Zorro ................................. John Byner Robot Zorro ......................... Shawn Wayans Mrs. Zorro ........................... Rita Rudner Scarlet Pimpernel ...... Curtis "Booger" Armstrong King Arthur ......................... Cheech Marin Man in the Iron Mask ................ Gina Gershon Wise Nun .............................. Posh Spice Stupid Nun .......................... Meryl Streep Time Traveler #1 ......... Stone Cold Steve Austin Orangutan at Dance ..................... "Puddles" Gay-Seeming Prince ................. Spalding Gray Man Beating Mule .................... Eric Roberts Mule Beating Man ........................... "Gus" Hiccuping Narrator ......................... Pele President Van Buren ................. Robert Evans Corky ............................ Anthony Hopkins Voice of Magic Taco ............. James Earl Jones The Producers would like to thank: Film Board of Canada The Philadelphia Flyers The Makers of Whip Balm Mr. Robert Guccione The Teamsters Pension Fund AAABest Bail Bonds Mr. and Mrs. Curtis "Booger" Armstrong - Homer's tombstone {bjr} Homer J. Simpson "Friend to All" - Sticker's on Southerner's RV {bjr} I [heart] Charleston HONK IF YOU DUELING Dueling DEMAND SATISFACTION Society - Feed store sign {bjr} Sneed's Feed & Seed Formerly Chuck's ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== - The number for "Facepuncher IV" on the marquee outside the theater was 35. When Snake ran out of the theater, "Face Puncher" was in theater 20. (Well, maybe they're showing the whole "Facepuncher" series to hype the new one.) {cg} + Patty and Selma should still have Homer's headstone from when he faked his own death in Mother Simpsons. [Andrew Levine counters, "Actually, Patty and Selma were seen using it at the end of the episode as a coffee table. So I presume they kept it."] {hl} + Homer said to Moe that he has never given away a free beer. Didn't Homer get one in the Mr. Plow episode? {fw} c When Marge asks Homer why he's driving so fast, we hear Homer say, "Because I'm trying to think!" but the captioning reads "I- I'm trying to think!" {tpl} + Didn't the farmhouse burn down at the end of "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy (2F07)"? [Others have suggested that the fire was put out before the house could burn completely down. {ddg} notes, "the Simpsons' current house burned once (in 'Homer the Heretic'), and it was as good as new a week later ..." -- Ed.] c When Homer drives up to the farm, The closed captioning has Marge saying, "It's horrible!", but the audio is silent. {tpl} = The cobwebs at the back of the tractor disappear. {dj} * When Lenny mailed the package, there was no city or state (the state should've been NC) {rg} c When Marge is trying to sell her mincemeat pies, we hear Homer say, "You're scaring the customers, honey," but the captioning reads, "They heard you the first time, honey." {tpl} - The "smoking" sign on the Laramie limousine restroom door should have had a green circle around it, not a red one. {tpe} c When the colonel fires at Homer, the captioning has him saying, "There you go, son," but we don't hear anything. {bjr} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Nate Birch: This continues the recent tradition, and was one of the "wackiest" Simpsons ever. But again, like in "Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?" I found the wackiness wasn't that bothersome, probably because this episode, actually had a pretty decent as well as original plot [...]. This episode was one of the first in a while to have 3 distinct acts to it, with act one being by far the funniest with Homer's "Glove slap" song. The second act wasn't really that funny, even though there was a lot of jokes, and really they should have been pretty funny, I just didn't laugh much. The third act picked up again though. This episode was also the first in a while to feature the whole family, and not just Homer or one or two members of the family. This episode also featured some of the best Simpsons animation in recent history. Pretty good for a really wacky episode. (B) Nathan DeHoff: I might be alone, but I actually enjoyed much of this episode. [...] The Zorro movie was hilarious. Homer's sudden glove-slapping obsession was weird but amusing, as was the gentlemanly Southerner who ended this phase in Homer's life, and provided the basis for the Simpsons' move to the farm. Using Abe's old farm was a good idea, although the writers forgot one important detail (see "Goofs"). Once the family actually reached the farm, it slowed down a bit, but there were still some funny parts. As far as absurd ideas go, Tomacco was fairly clever, although I wish they had done a little more with it (more skewering of the tobacco industry, for instance). A silly episode, but a pretty good one within that vein. (B) Don Del Grande: Some of the farming jokes were funny the first time they were shown, but the tractor bit bordered on "rake scene". Also, it took too long to get to the "tomacco" storyline, and as a result it didn't last very long. To top everything off, the ending, well, just "ended." (B) Nicolas Di Candia: This isn't an episode which intends to be taken seriously, and many segments show it: the various tractor gags, all the Zorro stuff, the duel, etc. The plutonium thing seemed to belong to a Halloween special, particularly coming so close after Treehouse of Horror X. I like that they remembered many things of early episodes (the farm, the Googolplex, etc) and they also remembered to bring back the duel plot at the end of the episode. I also liked the Laramie (sort of) subplot. All this comes to a (B+) Curtis Gibby: Overall, I thought this was a pretty good episode. It had great laughs at the beginning (the movie theater scene), a decent (but not fantastic) story, and pretty good characterization. The only thing that grated on me was Homer's Act I dueling, which bordered on Jerk Homer behavior. (I did like his fantasy, "What would Zorro do?") Also, I think they could have come up with a better way to get into the farm story. After a great Act I, most of the rest of the episode was what we've come to expect from new episodes. Average. [...] Act III was more fun than Act II, but the Tomacco-crazed animals was a bit of a stretch. Better than last week's "THOH X," this was not among the best episodes ever. (B+) Joe Green: In spite of a surprisingly funny first act, this was overall yet another brainless cookie-cutter episode produced under the watchful eye of Mike Scully. Judging from the tractor "joke" and the slow pace, Maxtone-Graham (whose earlier episodes I liked a lot better) stretched this premise about as far as it could go. (C) Richard Green: Holy ---- as Krusty would say, "what the hell was that?" Even the ONE line that made me laugh ("Go get Lassie ... I mean Lisa") got so repetitive that I started to scream (HOW many more times were they gonna keep showing that same tractor?) I think those writers need to get the point that giving Homer a new job every week does NOT work, and does nothing but hurt the show, and Homer as a farmer was almost as boring as that SimFarm game that was made a couple of years ago. The only recourse is that this was actually the last of the season 10 holdovers, and shouldn't affect any of the upcoming episodes. (F) Dan Hogg: For the first time in memory, I found myself watching this and thinking, "Boy, this is really stupid." Homer's obsession with the glove-slapping was unfunny, even the B-52's parody song. Nothing very memorable, except for the tractor running gag and Ralph has his usual funny line (even Chief Wiggum was agreeing with him). Homer was no different than before, and there's the typical "something attacks the Simpsons" third act. The idea behind the plot was old-hat, and not very many funny jokes. (C-) Carl Johnson: AABF19 had the usual recent problems, but was saved by its story that was so ... sooo ... PRESENT! Not to mention the great abundance of swell jokes. Jerkwad Homer and Crazy Animals aside, good show. (A) Darrel Jones: Below average. As usual, Act One was a riot (the Zorro movie, "Glove Slap", Jimmy Carter), but after the Simpsons started farming, it went downhill quickly. The ending was also far zanier than it should have been. A meager 6/10 (C+) Joe Klemm: Sorry, but the show went way downhill this episode. With the exception of the Poke of Zorro bit and the Tomacco stuff before the animals eat all the crops up, this episode was an utter disappointment. It would have been better handled if Homer got the farm from the Southern guy after beating him in a duel, but no, they have to make a "Homer chickening out storyline". Let's hope the rest of the season isn't as bad as this episode. (D) Ondre Lombard: If one ignores the fact that this sort of material, and this style of doing it has been done more than enough times in the past two years, all that can be thought, for me, was there was some very good stuff here. I hated the premise, and I'm not even crazy about how it went along, but for some reason, it was funny -- in a "Cape Feare"-"Homer the Great"-"Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo" sort of way. My only complaints would be the script's tendency to get carried away into very crappy jokes [...] and sometimes I disliked the unnatural pacing of things, like Homer sobbing with remorse and failure and then milliseconds later thinking up something else without any timing to give realism to his actions. A solid, standalone effort. (B) Adam Long: This episode probably had the funniest opening in recent Simpsons history, with the Zorro movie, Milk Duds, and (especially) the ending credits. The problem with that is that it got my hopes up that the rest of the episode would be as equally hilarious, which it wasn't. I know that sounds unfair, but it did disappoint me. It was still funny, though (what can I say, I liked the tractor gag), and the best episode of the season so far IMHO, but compared to our good ol' buddy IMG's classics like "Lisa Gets an A" or "Trash of the Titans" I think it may have been lacking a little. And the ending ... strange ending. (B+) Patrick McGovern: As blunt a satire as they've ever done. This was good-natured, very funny, but just ... too blunt. If the message wasn't across when Lisa said "If this doesn't prove that Nicotine is addictive, what will?", than it was by the "evil" cigarette people. Still, so many parts were ROTFL-funny, and there were lots of freeze frames. A very good ep ... but did I mention that it was too blunt? (B+) Abhi Rey: I want to say that I hate this episode. The whole premise and its execution were just so incredibly stupid. What is this? The Simpsons move into a farm? Animals attack them after being addicted to their tomacco? Puh-LEEZ! But, this episode was pretty hilarious. I liked the Zorro parody (especially the end credits and the rap song). The whole bit with the southern colonel was priceless, as well as Homer's duel-challenging. The part of the episode actually in the farm wasn't quite as funny, but there were some great moments, like Homer and Marge's dialogue at the end of act 2, and the scene with Ralph and Chief Wiggum. I laughed a lot during this episode, but do to its total lack of taste, it can get no more than a (C) Tom Rinschler: Like "Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner", this episode had me continually laughing. Sure, the plot was far-fetched, but it not only contained a high humor content, but also gave a good amount of screen time to each member of OFF. Only the overdone "tractor tipping" joke fell flat. (A-) Matt Rose: Was this a Halloween special? I've seen FAR more plausible things happen in those episodes than this one. Lessee ... sheep and goats stoned on drugs, tobacco flavored tomatoes, radioactive waste being licked and chewed on. What is this? I've never been so appalled at a Simpsons episode ... really. I can't wait to see what the Maxtone-Graham apologists have to say about this one. "duh, homerz so kewl cuz he's WACKY, you're just a looser with no life". It's sad, this show is no longer aimed at people with an IQ over 50. "The Simpsons" today is like a close relative I once loved being slowly destroyed by Alzheimer's disease. No offense to anyone who this has actually happened to. (F) Jason Rosenbaum: After last week's pathetically poor episode, I was losing faith in this show. Then comes this episode. This episode was probably the best one I've seen since "The Springfield Files." It started off hilariously with the bit with the movie theater and never stopped running. Absolutely perfect humor and plot, great middle, and a great ending. Not to mention a hilarious song by the B-52s. There was NOTHING bad about this episode. Definitely best episode of year. (A+) Eric Sansoni: The AABF series comes to a long-awaited close with an all-too-typical entry. The worst trademarks of the Mike Scully era are here: fart jokes, crude bathroom humor, Homer-centrism, wacky new jobs, gratuitous past episode references (here it not only distracts but also contradicts continuity), illogical plot transitions, weakly integrated movie parodies, excessively cartoony displays such as silly gymnastics and talking animals, aimless "storytelling," potentially good jokes repeated to death, empty "satire," characters who act not ignorant or mischievous but flat-out cruel, and little to no laughs. Mostly decent dialogue, a brisk pace, and good use of Lisa redeem the episode somewhat. (C) David Shaw: The best of the new season and the last of the AABF series. The plot had a good point and the glove-slapping thing was hilarious. The movie parodies all good, including the credits. This proves that Ian-Maxtone Graham is the best writer on the staff now. If only they didn't bunch Homer eps together. I noticed that the Halloween eps had 3 exec producers. A new hope? (A-) Yours Truly: One of the funniest episodes in recent memory. Even more important it uses intelligent humor most of the time, instead of the cheaper broad humor. The historically twisted "Zorro" movie almost single-handedly makes the show worth watching. Homer was suitably boorish, but not over the top, and Lisa has some good background reaction shots. For a one-shot character, the proper colonel who challenges Homer to a duel was interesting. The convoluted plotting may put off some viewers, but the show never bogs down, and the writers remembered to provide a proper ending this time. Definitely blue-ribbon material. (A) AVERAGE GRADE: B- (2.70) Std Dev.: 1.1010 (32 reviews computed) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> Writer watch Javier Vera: Ian Maxtone-Graham has been one of the most criticized writers on the series. He started with "Burn, Baby Burns" which some people disliked due to such a bad characterization of Burns and such a big secret revealed. Then he wrote the season 9 premiere "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" which I personally enjoyed as well as many others, later he wrote "The Trouble With Trillions" and "Trash of the Titans", the 200th episode, both with mixed reviews. His first non-Homer episode came next season in "Lisa Gets an A", which many people considered Ian's bets episode. It was confirmed in BABF01 that Ian will be with us for season 11, so let's hope some better work from him, and if you want to know how he looks, check the Very Tall Guy from 3F18, which is based on Ian Maxtone- Graham. [Of course, this glosses over one of the biggest reasons for anti-IMG feeling on the newsgroup: In an interview for an English newspaper, he denounced Internet fans as having no life outside the show. Some people thought he had a point, others ... well let's just say that they took umbrage at the statement. The whole interview is online at -- Ed.] >> Commercial Serendipity Tom Rinschler: I don't know about the rest of the country, but here in Cincinnati, Act One was followed by a KFC commercial, featuring an animated Colonel Sanders. I found this highly amusing, it having followed several scenes featuring a very similar southern colonel. [Other a.t.s. readers reported seeing this commercial, as well -- Ed.] >> Look out! It's the Scarlet Lawyer! Don Del Grande: After I watched the show, I remembered a rather trivial but neverthenonethenevertheless appropriate factoid: when the third in the "Blackadder" series (appropriately named "Blackadder the Third") was shown by both A&E and later PBS in the USA, they left out one episode - not because it was excessively violent or profane or anything, but because it included the Scarlet Pimpernel and somebody else had the rights to the use of that character on TV. How did "The Simpsons" get away with it? (Maybe the character's more "public domain" now that there's been a stage musical made about him?) Scott Munro: That *Blackadder* episode is a parody of the novel itself. *The Simpsons* episode isn't. I suspect the lawyers for the *BA* distributors were just wimps. I doubt any lawsuit could have succeeded, even had one been files. Mr. Cydonia: Just thought you'd like to know that the Black Adder/Scarlet Pimpernel legal troubles were apparently solved recently, 'cause I saw that episode on my local PBS station a few weeks ago. >> Is there anything that mule can't do? Joe Klemm: Gus, the mule referred in the closing credits of the Poke of Zorro, refers to a 1970's film. It's about a football team who recruits a mule and his trainer as players on the team. The reason: every time the owner says "Oyavidge" or something like that, the mule would kick a field goal or extra point. Todd Emerson: Not to be confused with "Gladys, the Groovy Mule." >> Hi, I'm John Byner. You might remember me from such movies as ... Haynes Lee: Canadian fans may know John Byner as the host of comedy variety show "Bizarre." Married With Children fans may know John Byner as the gold prospector who looks like John Byner. Dean Humphries: "Bizarre" was on TV in the states also during the late eighties. I have noticed that for some reason the writers on the Simpsons seem to use him has a star of many of the movies they advertise on the show. Todd Emerson: I actually remember John Byner as the voice of the ant in those "The Ant & the Aardvark" cartoons, as well as the voice of Gurgi (sp?) in "The Black Cauldron" (but I'm trying to forget that one), not to mention several appearances on "The Carol Burnett Show." >> Lyrics to the soundtrack Courtesy Otto Exec: From the "Z" to the "O" to the double "R" "O", He's the dude in the mask from the barrio. With his horse and his mask and his big old sword, He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford. Yeah, yeah, we know what you're asking. Mr. Exec answers: No, I don't get the final line of the "soundtrack" either. I'm only repeating what the closed captioning reported. >> The Field of Honor Jeff Cross: Dueling was a form of combat with rules used to honorably settle grievances between people up to the mid-1800s, as opposed to the no-holds- barred gutter fighting you see in schoolyards, outside bars, and on "WWF Smackdown." Challenge would be made by swatting someone in the face with a glove or gauntlet, then throwing it onto the ground in front of the challenged; picking it up would denote acceptance. The challenged got to choose the type of weapon used for the duel, usually swords or guns. Each duelist brought along a second to watch his back, and the duel was held at daybreak to avoid the police. The term "demanding satisfaction" meant that blood needed to be drawn to consider the matter settled. Pistol dueling involved marching a distance, turning, then opening fire; in Europe this meant one exchange and then it was over, but in America shooting would continue until somebody was hit. The only good thing that dueling actually accomplished was holding the United States together: during the War of 1812, New England was going to secede if Aaron Burr could bring New York State in on the deal, but it fell through when he killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel. >> This old house Javier Vera: If Grandpa's house was burned 5 years ago, how come it's restored now? I mean, if anyone restored it somehow, how did the house got so old in such a short time? Of course writers remembered the house, yet they forgot what happened to it at the end of the episode. >> Sneed's Feed and Seed There's a joke hidden in the name of this store, or so says Jeff McClellan: Notice how the last 3 letters of each word are all "eed" modeled after Sneed, well put Chuck in place of Sneed and replace "uck" as the last 3 letters of each and it makes "Chuck's F--- and Suck" [Which is apparently in circulation on playgrounds throughout America -- Ed.]. I thought it was rather clever of them. >> So *that's* what guys at the office talk about when football season's over. A poster known only as "GBR" wondered: what was the deal with that one scene where Lenny walks one way and Karl goes the other? Anyone know? "Admiral Bones" thought: Stop me if I'm wrong, but I thought it was a parody of office small talk. You know, how people just say something completely meaningless to make conversation and go on. Well a talk about outgoing mail must qualify. Seth Miller: And it was by a water cooler! That's humor, people! Adam Long: I figured it was making fun of big-shot "guy-talk." Like in "When You Dish Upon A Star," when Moe is talking about buying cotton balls and Carl says "The absorbent kind?" and Moe says "You got that right!" and they all give each other high-fives and cheers. "Quinten": I was thinking it was more an attempt on Karl & Lenny's part to hide the fact that they were shipping radioactive material out of the plant. They were trying to be "sly" about it, you know, just send some outgoing mail, nothing special. >> It was good, but it was no "Grasshoppersaurus" Joe Klemm: For those who don't watch Sci-Fi, AMC, or "Mystery Science Theater 3000," the Amazing Colossal Man is a film by cheesy filmmaker Bert I. Gordon. The plot involves a man who, while trying to rescue the people on a crashed airplane, is exposed to radiation from a nuclear bomb test. However, instead of killing him, the blast causes the man to grow bigger everyday, and he eventually goes on a rampage in Las Vegas. >> The Tractor Gag -- Funny repetition or repetitive rake scene? A fair number of people felt there were too many scenes where Homer was pinned by the tractor. Adam Long speaks up for this series of jokes: I thought the tractor gag was well done because it was something new each time. First he's riding it and it falls, good ol' clumsy Homer. Second, he walks off, not even ON the tractor and still manages to have it fall on him. The third time the corn hits it and knocks it over, not even his fault (that must have been one hell of a throw though), and the fourth time he doesn't even bother to get up to get his picture taken, and even gives a "thumbs up." Definitely not a "rake scene" (which I also happen to think is hilarious, BTW). >> Car Watch Down on the Farm Benjamin Robinson: The tobacco executives ride in a Ford Aerostar that has been converted into stretch-limo duty. (There actually was a company that made limos based on minivans, instead of the usual Lincolns and Cadillacs.) The Aerostar hasn't been made for a few years now, so that limo has been on the road for awhile. >> Miscellaneous, Etc. The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is: Dried Smoked Tomatoes The *other* Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is: Soylent Green Acres Ondre Lombard suggests: Little House in Springfield Bill McNeal and Chris Palm noticed a shot of Homer tapping his pitchfork on the ground in time with the "Green Acres" theme appeared in the commercials for this episode. It was cut from the actual show, however. Mike Erickson: Groening said once he would never have Homer slap, hit or strike Bart in any way ... and Homer stopped himself for doing so in this episode. Benjamin Robinson: Chad Everett is an actor. I remember him from "Medical Center," a 70s medical drama that aired in syndication when I was growing up. Kelly Robinson: How'd they get the B-52s to do an episode? Chris Palm: More importantly, how'd they get the B-52's to do an episode without advertising "The B-52's guest star on this Sunday's Simpsons!" on every commercial? ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr} ============================================================================== % The Simpsons, along with a theater full of other people, watch a % movie about D-Day. Wave after wave of Allied soldiers storm the % beach, where they meet with heavy resistance from the Axis forces. % Men on both sides die in the fight, and Marge recoils at the horrors % of war. % % Back on screen, one of the Allied soldiers stands over the body of a % slain enemy infantryman. He reaches in the dead man's pocket and % pulls out ... a Buzz cola? Announcer: Buzz Cola -- the taste you'll kill for. Soldier: [waking from his rigor mortis] [German accent] Available in ze lobby! Lisa: Do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda? Homer: [getting up] I have to go to ze lobby! -- What do you think? "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % In ze lobby ... Clerk: I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds. Homer: You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands, either. Clerk: Touché. [begins pumping butter on the candy] Homer: To the top, please. [clerk does so] [to the duds] Swim, my pretties. -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Homer returns in time for the day's featured attraction: "The Poke % of Zorro." The hero of the film fights the Three Musketeers. He % runs all three of them through with his sword. Musketeer: Sacre bleu! The deadly poke of Zorro! [all three collapse] [the Man in the Iron Mask attacks Zorro. Zorro slices a "Z" in the man's shirt] Man: What? "N?" What does "N" stand for? Zorro: No, no. It's a "Z." I am Zorro. "Z" for Zorro! I have come to return King Arthur to the throne. Bart: [in audience] It's a history lesson come to life! Lisa: No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. Bart: Quiet! Here come the ninjas. [fighting noises are heard from the screen] -- Artistic liberties, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Zorro gets a respite from fighting to seduce the movie's heroine. % He undresses her by adroitly slicing layers of her clothing with his % sword. Lady: What part of "stop cutting my dress off" don't you understand? [her dress falls off] Zorro: [laughs, then notices something cut into the lady's slip] "SP?" The Scarlet Pimpernel. Lady: We're just, uh, friends. Bart: [in audience] She's lying! Slice her head off! Zorro: Your honor has been insulted. This will not stand. [leaps out the window] Homer: [in audience] Oh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. [tips Milk Dud box, dribbling butter on Marge's dress] Marge: You're pouring hot butter on my leg. Homer: Sh, sh, sh. -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % A night at the opera. (Wait, hasn't that been done in another % movie? Oh, well.) As the fat lady sings, the Scarlet Pimpernel % enjoys the show from his reserved balcony. He is rudely interrupted % by Zorro. Zorro: Sir, I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel. [slaps the Scarlet Pimpernel with his glove. The opera audience gasps] Do you accept, or are you a coward? Pimpernel: [gets up] I ... am a coward! [runs away] [movie audience cheers] Homer: [in real audience] Woo! You go, Zorro! King Arthur: I, King Arthur, declare Zorro the new King of England! Zorro: Yes! [the King tosses Zorro his crown. He catches it on his sword. The credits roll] -- Next year's Golden Globe winner, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % The moviegoers, OFF included, file out of the theater. Snake: [pushing Marge aside] Ho, Move it, Q-tip. Haw. Marge: Hmph. Homer: Why that little -- he insulted your honor. [grabs a glove hanging from a custodian's back pocket] Sir, I demand satisfaction. [slaps Snake with the glove] Snake: Are you crazy, dude? Homer: I challenge you to a duel. [slaps Snake again] Snake: Huh, ho. The dude is crazy! Homer: Will you duel, or are you a coward? Snake: [menacing] Would a coward to this? [reaches under his jacket, as if for a weapon] Bye! [runs out of the theater. The crowd cheers Homer] Marge: [kisses Homer] My hero! [Homer grabs a ketchup bottle from the condiment stand and, with a flourish, squirts it at Marge. The stain forms an "H" on her dress] Homer: "H" is for Homer! Marge: [not thrilled] Thanks, Homer. -- This is how Zorro got started, too, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % The story moves to Moe's tavern. Principal Skinner and his mother % walk in, and Mrs. Skinner announces, as loudly as possible, that her % son has to use the bathroom. Moe tells him it's near "the heavyset % guy," indicating Homer. Homer takes offense, but Moe refuses to % take back the remark. Homer: Oh, that's it. You insulted my honor. Moe: Your what now? Homer: I demand satisfaction! [slaps Moe with glove] I challenge you to a duel. Moe: Hey, a duel, I uh ... isn't that a little extreme? Here, here, have a free beer. [pours Homer a mug of brew] Homer: Really? But you never given anyone a free beer. Moe: Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no dueling glove before, either. Homer: Wow, a free beer, and I owe it all to a little glove slap. [sing-songy] Glove slap, baby glove slap ... [whips glove around. It catches Skinner in the face] -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Now that Homer has discovered the power of the dueling glove, % nothing can stop him from using it all over town. As he does so, we % hear the accompaniment of the B-52s. B-52s: [to the tune of "Love Shack"] A glove slap in a little old face will Get you satisfaction. [slaps a tollbooth attendant, who lets Homer pass] Glove slap ba-a-beee ... (Glove slap, baby) [slaps Mr. Van Houten at the golf course, who lets Homer play through] Glove slap, baby, glove slap! [at the doctor's office, Hibbert is about to give Homer a shot. He threatens Hibbert with the glove, and the doctor injects himself, instead] Glove slap, I don't take crap! [threatens again, and gets a lollipop] Glove slap, shut your big yap. -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Homer pulls into the Kwik-E-Mart, and nonchalantly uses the glove to % slap his way to the head of the line. Much to his surprise, there % is one gentleman in the line who accepts Homer's brazen challenge: % A Southern colonel who chooses pistols at dawn. Apu is quick to % tell Homer he'll need a will and a headstone -- both conveniently % available in aisle six. % % Back at home, Homer bemoans his fate. Homer: Dueling at dawn. How did it ever come to this? Lisa: [hanging up phone] The national weather service says dawn is still scheduled for 6:20 tomorrow and to please stop calling. Marge: Oh, Homer, I bet that Southern colonel doesn't even show up. Bart: Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you. Homer: [brandishing glove] Sir, that is an insult. I challenge you -- [notices family staring at him] What? -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % At dawn the next day, Homer awakes from a restless night's sleep. % Outside, a musical horn blares. It turns out the colonel isn't just % a blowhard after all. He has arrived right on time, in a motor home % decorated with dueling society stickers. The colonel stands in % front of it, expertly twirling a pistol. Homer: He's out there, isn't he? Marge: I'm afraid so, and his wife's with him. Homer: [looks at the wife, who's rather attractive] Growl! Marge: Homer! Homer: Hey, I'm not dead yet. [a knock is heard at the door] Oh! Oh! Save me, Marge! I saved you! Marge: Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you? Homer: Oh, Marge, that's in the past. Just let it go. -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % The colonel, growing impatient, continues to knock at the door. Colonel: Sir, I say sir. The hour's upon us, sir. Marge: [opening the door] Hello. My husband will be right with you. [camera angle changes to reveal Homer clinging to the side of the tree the colonel can't see] We're just taking this old Christmas tree to the dump. Colonel: Well, now, I wouldn't be much of a Southern gentleman if I didn't help you carry that tree. Marge: No, no, no, no. You'll get sap on your dueling blouse. Colonel: [cocks pistol and aims it at tree] Well, at least let me shoot it into smaller pieces for you, ma'am. Bart: Well it's worth a try, don't you -- [Marge covers his mouth with her hand] Marge: We're fine, colonel. Good day. [the family carries the tree in the car, and they drive off] -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % The escape plan is a success. Homer is relieved he didn't throw the % tree out in April, as Marge apparently had requested. % % From Donny's Discount Gas, Homer calls his neighbor. Homer: Flanders, you've gotta help me. Is there a Southern couple parked in front of my house? Ned: Ooh yes indeedy, Homer. It looks like they're settling in for a long stay. [pan to the couple. The wife sets up some wind chimes, while the husband barbecues lunch] Homer: I was afraid of that. Well, goodbye my gentle neighbor. You know, I've always wanted to tell you how much -- Operator: To continue talking, please deposit ten cents. Homer: Eh, screw it. [hangs up] -- Not much for long good-byes, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % The family drives aimlessly around town, now that they can't go % home. Homer sees an appealing house, but it's already occupied. % Then, the Simpsons see a Habitat for Humanity construction site. Marge: Look, it's Jimmy Carter. Lisa: Could you build us a house, President Carter? We can't go back to ours. Carter: I'm sorry. These are for the truly needy. Cletus: Yeah, get your own habitat. Homer: C'mon Carter, build us a house, you lazy bum. Carter: You have offended me sir. [reaches for his glove] I challenge you to -- Homer: [screams and drives away] Carter: Come back here! Why, you yellow-bellied ... -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Carter keeps yelling, but Homer is miles down the road, driving like % a man possessed. Homer: [honking at a slow-moving truck] C'mon, move it! Lisa: Where are we going, Dad? Homer: How should I know? Marge: Then why are you driving so fast? Homer: Cause I'm trying to think. What would Zorro do? [imagines Zorro facing the colonel, who is sitting in a lawn chair. Zorro pulls out his sword. The colonel calmly shoots him dead] [anguished] Zorro! -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Homer runs down a sign showing that he is driving on Rural Rt. 9. % In a flash of inspiration, Homer remembers that he can hole up in % his childhood home -- Grampa's farmhouse. He ticks off a list of % the advantages of country living: fresh air, hayrides, and apple- % picking among them. % % When they actually get to the farm, though, it's in pretty sorry % shape. Homer gets out of his car, strips to his underwear, and % yells, "Race you to the swimming hole!" Then he dives into the % overgrown lawn and "swims" around a bit before declaring that it's % free of leeches, if not snakes. The rest of the family looks at % each other, uneasily. % % [End of Act One. Time: 8:14] % % The family opens the door (or rather, knocks down the door) to the % dilapidated farmhouse. Marge: Holy moly! We can't stay here; it's full of raccoons. Homer: Just think of them as cats with rabies. [a "cat with rabies" lands on Homer's shoulder] Hello, kitty, hello -- [the raccoon bites him on the ear and jumps off] Ow! Oh, yeah, you little scamp. Lisa: Are we really going to live here and grow crops? Homer: Absolutely. This is our big chance. The Simpsons will be reborn as a bunch of gap-toothed bumpkins. Bart: I'll dig an outhouse! Lisa: I'll weed the floor. Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling. [forces a smile] Homer: That's my girl. Let the agriculture begin! -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Homer starts the old family tractor, but Bart doesn't think it % sounds very "tractor-y." With a twist of the screw driver, Homer % adjusts the engine until hit has the appropriate rough-running % sound. He isn't as successful at actually driving it, though, going % only a few feet before overturning. Bart: [running up] Dad! Homer: Go get Lassie! Bart: Lassie? Homer: I mean Lisa. -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Speaking of "Lassie," she's discovered an un-sheared sheep in the % barn. She takes the clippers to it, only to find that the sheep was % a rat all along. % % Homer stops at the feed store to pick up farm supplies. Farmer 1: Well, well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car. Homer: This car was made in Guatemala. Farmer 2: Well, pardon us, Mr. Gucci loafers. Homer: I bought these shoes from a hobo. Farmer 1: Well la-de-da, Mr. Park Avenue manicure. Homer: I'm sorry, I believe in good grooming. -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Inside the store, Homer gets a pitchfork and a sack of feed. Sneed: Heh. You're not going to grow nothing on the old Simpson place. That's why your daddy abandoned it. Homer: Aw, what do you know? Sneed: Well, I know you're soil pH is up around 9.6 and you need a 7 to 8 max. Homer: Oh, that's just superstition. [scoops seeds into a sack] You watch me -- I'll grow something out there. Sneed: Not if you're planting Gummi bears. Homer: D'oh! [eats a scoop of bears] -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Back at the farm, Bart eats the juiciest watermelon he ever had. % Homer hopes that he can grow melons or similar quality. He walks % off-screen to plant a mixture of crops, figuring that *something* % should thrive. There's a loud crash, and the camera pans to let us % see that the tractor has toppled over on Homer. Bart runs up, and % helps out by pulling the handbrake out of Homer's gut. % % Sneed's prediction proves to be an accurate one, though. After a % month, Homer's fields remain as barren of any crops. Marge suggests % more fertilizer. "I'm only one man, Marge," Homer answers. The % farm next door is growing corn as high as an elephant's eye -- % literally. The farmer razzes Homer a little, and then tosses him an % ear of corn as a peace gesture. It sails over Homer and falls on % the tractor, which in turns falls over on Homer. % % At least the family isn't starving. That night's dinner features % the fruits of their labor. Marge: More tumbleweed, Lisa? Lisa: No thankth. I'm thtill finithing my thithleth. Bart: Dad, if we leave for town right now, we can still catch the dinner special at Krustyburger. Homer: Sorry boy, going back to Springfield would be a coward's way out. Bart: Wasn't skipping town in the first place a coward's way out? Homer: Oh, you're right! I'm a coward. I made such a mess of things! If only there was some magic potion that would make those crops grow. [brightens] Wait a minute. [gets up and cranks the handle on the phone. At the power plant, Lenny answers] Lenny: Plutonium? Gee, Homer, isn't that kind of risky? [pause] Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not. -- A plan is hatched, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Lenny dutifully ships the plutonium, making small talk with Carl in % the process. When Homer gets it, here carefully opens the vial and % test-tastes a little. The rest, he loads into a pesticide sprayer. Time to give Mother Nature a little goose. -- Homer Simpson, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Homer and Marge stand on the farmhouse porch, surveying the glowing % fields. Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that? Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe? Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart. Marge: You got that from a movie poster. Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope. Marge: Where'd you get that? Homer: From the producers of, "Waiting to Exhale." -- What, not "The Poke of Zorro?" "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Marge notices plutonium on her husband's gums. "Shut up and kiss % me," Homer says. Before she can answer, Homer kisses her. % % [End of Act Two. Time: 13:03] % % A rooster's crow awakens Homer that morning. Homer: Wake up, honey. It's time to harvest our radioactive supercrops. Marge: But it's only been one night. Homer: That's all it takes. If we learned one thing from "The Amazing Colossal Man" and "Grasshopperus," it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big, real fast. Marge: But didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett? Homer: Only because he tried to reason with him. Marge: Oh. -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Family stands at the door, ready go to out and see what bold new % supercrops have been unleashed by the power of the atom. Homer: Brace yourselves, everybody. You're about to see the hugest, juiciest, possibly super-intelligent vegetables man has ever known. You might want to crane your necks upward now to save time. [the family looks up, and then walks outside] Ta-da! [but there is nothing to see up there but sky. On the ground, the fields are as empty as the day before. A tumbleweed rolls by] All right now, don't panic. It's possible the giant vegetables are invisible. [feels around for them] Oh, where are you? Marge: Oh, honey, give it up. Homer: Aw, you're right, this farm's hopeless. Why didn't I listen to those inbred hicks? I guess I'll just go hang myself in the barn. Marge: Homer, no! Bart: Let him go, Mom. Lisa: Wait, Dad. You don't have to kill yourself. Homer: This better be good. Lisa: [brushes ground, revealing a small plant] Something is growing. Homer: [gasps] A sprout! And there's some more! Marge: What is it? Carrots? Peas? [gasps] Maybe it's okra! Homer: Who cares what it is? It's growing. I've saved the farm! Yay ... oh! [falls forward, and squishes two of the plants with his knees] -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % A montage of farm pictures -- Maggie standing next to sprouts, Lisa % standing next to young tomato plants, Bart standing next to bigger % plants and making a face, and Homer pointing to fully-grown plants % while pinned under the tractor -- is shown while the theme from % "Green Acres" plays. It took more than a day, but the Simpson farm % now boasts a bumper crop of tomatoes. Homer dreams about the types % of ketchup his tomatoes will become. % % Bart eats one, and promptly spits it out. Bart: Bleh! Tastes like cigarette butts. Marge: [takes the half-eaten "tomato"] That's odd. The outside looks like a tomato, but the inside is brown. Lisa: Maybe the tomato seeds crossbred with the tobacco seeds. Homer: Oh, great, I've got a field full of mutants. Bart: Gimmie. I want more. [grabs back the tomato and eats it] Lisa: I thought you said it tasted terrible. Bart: It does. [grinds out the remains of the first tomato] But it's smooth and mild. [grabs another] And refreshingly addictive. Homer: Addictive, eh? -- The seeds of trouble, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Soon, Homer has set up a roadside vegetable stand, complete with a % sign that reads, "ToMacco." Lisa: Tomacco? That's pretty clever, Dad. I mean, for a product that's evil and deadly. Homer: Aw, thanks honey. Marge: Well, I'm not crazy about the plutonium or nicotine, but it is very nice to see Bart eating his vegetables. [cut to a shot of Bart eating a bushel basket of tomacco] [Chief Wiggum drives up and gets out of the car with Ralph] Wiggum: Excuse me? Mr. Farmer Man? I promised my son he could tip over his first cow, and I -- [notices sign] tomacco? Homer: Yes, it's the latest craze. Try some, won't you? [offers a free sample] Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat. Ralph: [takes a bite of a tomacco, but spits it out] Oh, Daddy, this tastes like grandma. Wiggum: [takes a bite, and likewise spits] Holy Moses, it *does* taste like grandma! Ralph: I want more. Wiggum: Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a pack or just -- just give it to me. [takes a bushel basket of tomacco from Homer, and gives him a wad of cash] Homer: [giggles evilly] Marge: Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? They're very -- Wiggum: Does it have tomacco in it? Marge: No. But I use only the -- Wiggum: Thanks. [walks off] -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % The fledgling tomacco business flourishes. A long line of people % waits in front of Homer's tomacco stand. (Marge has a tougher time % raising interest in her mincemeat pies.) % % The Simpsons' success does not go unnoticed. A limousine stops in % front of their farm, and a man offers the family a ride. They % accept. Exec: Meet the Laramie cigarette team. This is Mindy, J. P., and Emil. Mindy: Homer, we're in a bit of a pickle. Kids are crazy about tobacco, but the politicians won't let us sell it to them. Homer: Those dirty, rotten -- Mindy: Tell me about it. But there's no law against selling kids tomacco. That little "m" is worth a lot of money to us -- and to you. Homer: How much? Exec: Well, let's say a hundred ... Homer: [gasps] Exec: ... and fifty ... Homer: [gasps louder] Exec: ... million dollars. Homer: [excited] One hundred and ... [calmly] May I speak to my family for a moment? [the Simpsons crowd into the limousine's small bathroom] Did you see the Emil's looking at Mindy? I think something's going on there. Marge: Shouldn't we be talking about the $150 million offer? Homer: Oh yeah, let's take it. Lisa: Dad, it's a tobacco company. They make billions off the suffering and death of others. Bart: She's right, Dad. They can afford a lot more. Lisa: No -- Marge: I'm with Lisa. Let's take them to the cleaners. -- Lisa Simpson, master negotiator, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Homer announces to the tobacco executives that he won't accept % anything less than 150 *billion* dollars. The executives respond by % dumping him on the road beside his house. Homer isn't discouraged % by the apparent setback. After all, they have the world's supply of % tomacco safe on their farm. % % Or maybe not. Animals from neighboring farms have also discovered % the refreshingly addicting taste of tomacco, and have trampled down % the Simpsons' fence to get it. Homer chases them off, but there's % only one plant left. A cow rips it out of the ground and she and % Homer play tug-of-war for it. Homer has to distract her and carries % the plant back to the house. Homer: [soothing, to the plant] There, there. We had quite a scare today, but you're going to make us millions. Yes you are. Lisa: You're about to launch a terrible evil on the world. You've got to destroy this plant. Homer: I know, honey, but what can I do as an individual. I wouldn't know where to begin. Lisa: Just burn that plant right now and end this madness. Homer: I wish I could make a difference, Lisa, but I'm just one man. Lisa: [growls] Homer: I agree, but how? -- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % The debate is interrupted when the barnyard animals, desperate for a % fix, crash through the windows of the house. The family tries to % block the windows, but a bull and an elephant smash through the % walls. The family is surrounded. Marge implores Homer to give the % plant to the animals. He's reluctant at first, but changes his mind % when an ostrich tries to peck him. He tosses the plant up for % grabs, and it's grabbed by Mindy, the Laramie executive. Mindy: Well, what a lovely gift. Gotta run! [runs into a waiting helicopter] Homer: So, Mindy! How did you want to pay me the 150 million? [she closes the helicopter door in Homer's face] Cash will be okay. [the helicopter takes off] Or stock? Does your company have stock? Mindy! [to his family, who have walked up to join Homer] Mindy and I are just hammering out a payment plan. [to the fleeing helicopter] We'll talk Monday! -- Homer Simpson, novice negotiator, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % Aboard the chopper, the executives rejoice in their victory. The % pilot mentions that they seem to be carrying a little too much % weight. Suddenly a crazed sheep pops up from behind the seat, and % attacks the executives. The helicopter flies out of control and % crashes with a ball of flame into the side of a mountain. The sheep % bounds away from the crash site. % % With no more crops, there's no more reason to stay down on the farm. % So, the family drives back to Springfield. Homer wonders why he % left. The persistent colonel camped out on his lawn quickly reminds % him. % % The moment of truth has finally arrived. Homer and the colonel, % each armed with a pistol, start to duel on the front lawn. Colonel: [pacing] Five, six, seven, eight, I say, eight, nine, and ... ten. [sniffs the air] What is that intoxicating aroma. Could that, I say, could that be mincemeat pie? Marge: It certainly is. Why don't you put down your gun and have a slice? Colonel: Oh, don't mind if I do? Homer: Hey, are we dueling or what? Colonel: Oh, where are my manners? [shoots Homer in the arm] Homer: [cries out in pain] Lisa: [holding a pie] Are you okay, Dad? Homer: I think so. The bone stopped the bullet. Lisa: Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for. Homer: After pie. [eats a slice] -- Priorities, "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" % [End of Act Three. Time: 20:11] % % The "Glove Slap" song plays over the credits. (At least, the part % of the credits that Fox didn't cut for next week's promo.) ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {ah} Alan Hamilton {al} Andrew Levine {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {cg} Curtis Gibby {cj} Carl Johnson {cp} Chris Palm {ddg} Don Del Grande {dj} Darrel Jones {dp} Damian Penny {fw} Fred Wilkinson {hl} Haynes Lee {jc} Jeff Cross {jg2} Joe Green {kh} K. Hideky {ndc} Nicolas Di_Candia {oe} Otto Exec {rg} Richard Green {tpe} Todd Emerson {tpl} T. P. Liang {tr} Tom Rinschler ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The Quotes and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson. This capsule has been brought to you by the Charleston Dueling Society. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.