Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily                        Written by Jon Vitti
                                                      Directed by Susie Dietter
===============================================================================
Production code: 3F01                        Original airdate in N.A.: 1-Oct-95
                                                  Capsule revision D, 21-Jul-96
===============================================================================
> Title sequence
===============================================================================
Blackboard :- No one wants to hear from my armpits.
              No one wants to hear from my armp/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The screen is divided into nine panels a la "Brady Bunch"
              with Lisa, Marge, and Grampa along the top, Maggie, the
              couch, and Bart in the middle, and Snowball II, Homer, and
              SLH along the bottom.  At the last minute, everyone except
              Grampa (who's sleeping) runs out of their frames and onto
              the couch.

===============================================================================
> Did you notice...
===============================================================================
    ... the lice make the same clicking noises that the ants in 1F13
        make?
    ... Lisa squinting at the sun as she undoes the blind to demonstrate
        the time to Ned?
    ... Mrs. Lovejoy laughs sympathetically as she hands the phone to
        her husband?

Michael Zey:
    ... in the Brady Bunch parody couch gag, Grampa remains asleep in
        his square?
    ... Lisa doesn't notice the "stupid baby" sign on her back?
    ... Maggie karate chops her Melba toast?
    ... the statue of Swartzwelder?
    ... Lisa whistles when her tooth falls out?
    ... Homer's monocle remains in the air as he escapes the Bentley
        salesman?
    ... Flanders blows the dust off the remote control?
    ... Homer sings Beethoven's fifth into Lisa's saxophone?
    ... Maggie gets a star at Bible Question Bombardment?
    ... Maggie's head turns 180 degrees?

Ricardo Lafaurie:
    ... Oakley and Weinstein are now executive producers?
    ... this is the first episode written by Vitti in over two years?
    ... the queer sound effect when Maggie dumps her pacifier on the
        table?
    ... Count Homer speaks like Guy Incognito from 2F08?
    ... Lisa wears prescription shoes?
    ... one of Lisa's taunters has her panties showing?
    ... Skinner uses a made-up word, "scalpal"?
    ... the child welfare truck runs over a tricycle?
    ... the sunbeam when Bart and Lisa are taken away?
    ... the child welfare agents don't bother to find out the kids'
        names?
    ... Itchy has a baby collar on in the I&S title card?
    ... the _large_ bloody chunks Itchy pulls out of Scratchy?
    ... most of the people attending Family Skills class are rednecks?
    ... Agent Goodman appears to be wearing a toupee?
    ... the pictures of lambs above Bart and Lisa's beds?
    ... Todd coughing up some stars in Bombardment?
    ... Reverend Lovejoy actually says "damn"?
    ... Marge's earrings move when Maggie burps?
    ... Marge laughs along with the family at the end?

Dominik Halas:
    ... the way the monocle spins when it pops out of Homer's eye?
    ... class photo day has been moved from inside in 9F15 to outside?
    ... Homer is wearing a pink towel?  (cf. 7F23)
    ... the leaves fly off the plant with surprising force?
    ... the hourglass on the judge's bench?
    ... the beanbag chairs in the corner of a room at Flanders' house?
    ... Flanders keeps smelling salts in the house?
    ... the autodial settings on Flanders' downstairs phone are
        different than those on his bedside phone?
    ... there's a nuclear power plant on Lovejoy's train track?
    ... Maggie's second word is a variant of her first word?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Marge doesn't have to screw the thermos lids on?
    ... Lisa has her green Happy Little Elves lunchbox, while Bart has
        his red Krusty one?
    ... the Springfield state logo has a star, an ear of corn, a
        radiation symbol, and a beaver on it, with wheat stalks along
        the top and sides?
    ... Abe has a racing form?  (Rupert Murdoch tried to publish an
        alternative to the Daily Racing Form in the late 1980s.)
    ... in the Flanders house, Bart and Lisa sleep in the same room?
    ... the seal behind the judge dated 1932?
    ... the judge is in a county courthouse?
    ... Maggie's full first name is Margaret?
    ... Ned's speed-dial button spells it "LoveJoy"?
    ... Maggie ignores Homer, Bart, and Lisa in favor of Marge?
    ... Maggie walks for the first time since 1F22?

Aaron Varhola:
    ... Marge's lunch tips are reminiscent of the packaging for
        McDonald's McDLT?
    ... the child welfare agents put seat belts on, but don't buckle the
        kids up?

Dave Hall:
    ... there are 25 students in Bart's class?
    ... Lisa doesn't wear socks?
    ... Skinner knows the phone number to the Child Welfare board by
        heart?
    ... Bart was wearing an onion sack after they burn his clothes?
    ... Grampa drooling while he sleeps?
    ... Maggie doesn't have her pacifier while drinking from the dog
        dish?
    ... the child welfare officer playing with Maggie's toy rabbit?
    ... the Simpsons roll their toilet paper in an overhand manner?
    ... there was more than one dog in the Simpson house?
    ... Todd and Rod holding hands?
    ... the rainbow pictures hanging on the walls of the Flanders home?
    ... Scratchy's magazine is called "Nice"?
    ... Itchy "kills" Scratchy over a lousy TV set?
    ... Homer knows Flanders phone number by heart?
    ... the Flanders read Newsweek?
    ... Ned kisses Bart?
    ... three of the unfit parents have guns?
    ... Maude only gets two questions at Bible Bombardment?
    ... Marge wears lipstick on graduation day?
    ... Ned's Emergency Baptism Kit includes a life preserver?
    ... the Flanders have their own Bible?
    ... Homer's face makes two eyeball indents in the mud?
    ... Homer gets baptized?
    ... Frank Welker voices Milhouse's monkey?

Mathew Yee:
    ... Maggie's star is in the center of her forehead, implying that
        she's a satan worshipper?

Tony Hill:
    ... Marge shoos rather than kills the spider?

Haynes Lee:
    ... the carton of O.J. in the kitchen during breakfast?

Jussi Pakkanen:
    ... the camera stops zooming while the cassette is being rewound?
    ... a picture (of Scrathy's mother?) in Scrathy's house?
    ... the giant daisies outside Scratchy's window?
    ... how monotonic the "negligent monster"-telephone announcement
        sounds?
    ... tho only person not resorting to violence is a skinhead?
    ... the pink teddybear in Maggie's bed?

===============================================================================
> Voice credits
===============================================================================
- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, the mafia guy, Abe, Willy)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Todd, Rod)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (soccer ball boy, Goodman, Scratchy, Cletus)
    - Harry Shearer (Bentley salesman, Skinner, TV announcer, Ned, Flub,
      Rev. Lovejoy)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Joan Kenley (voice on phone)
    - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
    - Tress MacNeille (Skinner's mom)
    - Maggie Roswell (child welfare agent, Maude, judge, Mrs. Lovejoy)
    - Frank Welker (the monkey, SLH)

===============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
===============================================================================

  + "The Brady Bunch"
    - couch scene is from opening credits
  + "The Three Stooges" {ddg}
    - Marge says "Don't _do_ that!" with similar intonation to Joe
      Besser
  + "Outbreak" {av}
    - Milhouse gets sick from a monkey
  + "Hamlet"
    - Skinner says "Something is rotten at the Simpson house", similar
      to "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark"
  + "1984" {rl}
    - "All is well" is said repeatedly in the background
  + "Batman"
    - scene change (with state badge flying toward us and away,
      accompanied by trumpets) after Skinner calls the child welfare
      folks similar
    - music when child welfare agents are driving to the house
  + "Faster Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!"  {av}
    - I&S title parodies this 1966 movie, which is about three women who
      go around the desert Southwest killing men
  + Sonny and Cher's "I Got You, Babe"
    - song sung by Ned and Maude very similar
  + Hebrew National Franks {ddg}
    - there's a Hebrew National Bible in Flanders' bookshelf
  + "The Exorcist"
    - Maggie's head turnin 180 degrees, just like Linda Blair's

===============================================================================
> Previous episode references
===============================================================================
- [7F01] "Not Just Another State" {rl}
- [7F06] Homer falls down a cliff {dh}
- [7F09] Rod gets the idea to imitate Itchy & Scratchy {th}
- [7F23], [1F06] keepaway is played {dh}
- [8F01] the state seal appears {rl}
- [8F05] Maggie drinks dog water {av}
- [8F10] Cletus (the guy who gets married in "Shotgun Pete's") is used
  as a hick name {rl}
- [8F14] Poco is referred to (they sing "Baby Come Back") {hl}
- [8F16] Lovejoy calls Ned "Damn Flanders!"  {dh}
- [8F17] someone wears a burlap sack {dh}
- [9F08] Maggie speaks
- [9F14], [1F13] "Nooo!" in slow motion is said {rl} {wp}
- [9F14], [1F19] the female judge appears {rl}
- [9F14], [9F15], [9F16], [1F11] "Yoink!" is said
- [9F15] a staff member at Springfield Elementary tells kids to clean
  themselves up before a photo {av}
- [1F15], [2F01] Cletus the hick appears {mz}
- [1F17] Sarah the bully appears {av}
- [1F18] a sign is taped to someone's back {dh}
- [1F19] the female court judge appears
- [1F22] Ned faints {av}
- [2F12] Don Vittorio DiMaggio is heard {dh2}
- [2F18] SLH mates {av}
- [2F21] Skinner and his mother fight over the bath pillow {rl}

===============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
===============================================================================
- Newpaper headlines: {rl}
   AMERICA LOVES
   TED   KENNEDY
   
   40     TRAMPLED
   AT POCO CONCERT
   
- Gift certificate: {rl}
   G I F T  C E R T F I C I A T E
   
     Good for three-hour getaway
   at the Mingled Waters Health Spa
   
- Sign at car dealership: {rl}
   SPRINGFIELD BENTLEY
   
    FREE SPA GETAWAY
     WITH TEST DRIVE
   
- At the photo shoot, back to front: {rl}
    - girl with big hair, Lewis, ?, ?, kid with afro
    - ?, Wendell, Martin, girl with green glasses, ?
    - Richard, ?, (blocked by Nelson), Sherri, ?
    - Milhouse, Bart, Nelson, Dooley, Missy
- At family skills class: {rl}
   W E L C O M E
   UNFIT PARENTS
   
    - the "O" of WELCOME is a happy face
- The Flanders press:
      PLAYTIME
     IS     FUN
   
    EXTRA EXTRA!
    TODD SMELLS
   
    SIMPSON KIDS
   MISS MOM & DAD
   
- Flanders' bibles: {ddg}, {dh}
    - Top shelf: Aramaic Septuagint, Psalms, Children's Bible, Holy
      Bible!, Good News Bible, St. James, (Amen?), Today's Family
      Gnostic Bible, Hebrew National Bible, The Thump Resistant Bible,
      Samaritan Pentateuch, Song of Solomon
    - Bottom shelf: NASB, The Living Bible, (another) NASB, Hebrew
      Interlinear, The Vulgate of St. Jerome, The Word, Who Begat Whom,
      and The Bible According To Hoyle
    - At the baptism: Flanders Bible

===============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
===============================================================================
The cereal box calls them Frosty (not Frosted) Krusty Flakes.  {ddg}

It looks as though Marge has only one spa certificate in some scenes.
{ddg}

The trash and food stains don't appear until Marge mentions them.  {dh2}

Lice don't hop around: they attach themselves to the scalp and don't
move.  {rl}

Lice don't make sounds.  {dh2}

Milhouse isn't shuddering and pale until Bart makes his comment.  {rl}

Although Skinner undoubtedly learned about burning clothes to kill lice
in Vietnam, it doesn't work.  {ddg}

Since when does Lisa have prescription shoes?

Why would the "All is well" tape have to be _rewound_ after it is turned
over?  {fb}

The female child welfare agent's clipboard appears magically.  {dh}

Lou and the barricade appear magically.  {dh}

When Homer and Marge look at Bart and Lisa in the van the window doesn't
show what's inside the van.  {jp}

Lisa's tooth that fell out was a molar, yet it fell from the incisor
region of her mouth.  {sng}

Lisa's lisp disappears, and her tooth grows back magically.  {ddg}

Lisa claims the tooth that falls out is a baby tooth, but then the
braces she got in 9F15 would be useless.  {wp}

Grampa only appears when Homer yells at him.  {dh}

Homer's houseplant appears magically.  {fb}

The dining room doorway arch changes widths.  {dh2}

The judge from 1F20 now has a different voice.

The judge from 1F20 says, "I just can't say `no' to kids," but seems
remarkably cooler towards kids in this episode.

The judge's hourglass doesn't have sand running through it as it should,
and it disappears from her bench.  {dh2}

The notice on the front door doesn't appear until Marge reads it.  {dh2}

The guy with the spiked bracelets moves from the front of the class to
the back.  {rl}

Some of the other class members change positions.  {dh2}

Surely Flanders should know I&S's reputation from 7F09?  {fb}

Nachos disappear from the tray.  {jp}

Bart and Lisa's dinner plates change into bowls.  {fb}

Nonfat ice milk usually has sugar, just like ice cream, but in "Homer
Loves Flanders", Maude said that Todd and Rod aren't allowed to eat
anything with sugar.  {ddg}

If Lisa's statement that her parents are ten feet away is accurate, the
court order of 100 feet is being violated.  {fb}

Homer and Marge _could_ have gone to a pay phone if they'd really wanted
to call the kids.  {rl}

Marge was separated from the kids for six weeks in 8F24, so why can't
she handle a week now?  {fb}

Bart doesn't really say "dude" after things -- much more like him to say
"man".  {rl}

Wouldn't Lisa take her saxophone with her?  {ddg}

Todd calls for the "St. James" bible -- doesn't he mean the _King_ James
version?

The Vulgate Bible of St. Jerome is in Latin, as should have been the
questions derived from it.  {th}

It's surprising that Lisa didn't get any bible questions right,
especially given her concern about her mortal soul in 7F13.  {by}

Maggie disappears just before Ned faints.  {dh}

Why would Flanders have "Fire" and "Police" on autodial?  They're 911.
[or 912, if you're a Stonecutter - ed] {dh2}

Homer's car starts out facing the same way as Flanders', but when he
walks between them, the cars become perpendicular.  {fb}

The trees on the hill down to the river change from vertical, to
perpendicular to the slope, back to vertical again.  {dh2}

The Flanderses are not Baptists, since that faith, alone among
mainstream Protestants, does not practice infant baptism.  They must
not, therefore, be members of _any_ mainstream denomination, since they
were practicing baptism by immersion, and the Baptists alone do that
among the mainstream Protestants.  Since the Simpsons go to the same
church, ditto for them.  {th}

It's unlike Marge to laugh at the Flanders family.  {rl}

===============================================================================
> Reviews
===============================================================================
Mark Livingstone: This has to be one of the best episodes in quite a
    while.  I say it goes right up there with Lisa's Wedding in my
    books.

Mark Richey: A pretty good episode.  I'm not sure if it proved that
    Marge and (especially) Homer were good parents, but it sure was
    funny to see what living with the Flanders was like.  It's also
    interesting to find out that Homer's not the only one who can't
    stand Ned (and that Lovejoy is a model train collector).  Overall
    grade: A-.

Edward Isabella: Does anyone else agree that there is something missing
    this season?  It seems like the voices are a bit different and that
    the plot lines have a horrible "Critic"-esque quality.  They just
    aren't as good as the weekday reruns.

Dennis Miller: This evening's episode had its moments, but I found it
    hard to laugh about child abuse and neglect.  There are parents like
    Marge's classmates.  There are examples of case workers run amok.
    The writers attempted to comment on how misplaced our enforcement of
    child welfare laws are.  I just had trouble finding it funny.

Ben Parrish: This was the first episode of The Simpsons where I didn't
    even laugh once.  Pretty sad.

Brad Lascelle: Grade: B. A strong effort by Jon Vitti that provides some
    warmth, depth, and much-needed character development to a show which
    has run short of story ideas.  A little too sharp to the bone for
    its own good on issues of religion and child neglect.

Tommy Fallin: I was glad to see that this season has finally given an
    episode that was good from beginning to end.  It reminded me that
    sometimes the Simpsons transcends the gimmicky cartoon laughs it
    focuses on sometimes, and actually portrays the feelings of a real,
    though still quirky, family.  A+.

Ricardo Lafaurie: It started off slow but built up to an _excellent_
    episode.  Maybe I'm just starved for real quality, but it really
    shines in comparison to the past two episodes.  I just loved the
    whole baptism thing.  Plus the old Homer that we haven't seen in
    eons!  My grade: A-

Ivan Troy: This was the first episode in ages in which the characters
    showed normal personalities and were not just charicatures of each
    other.  The "Stupid babies need the most attention" and the "All I
    need is a little LSD" lines and the whole baptism scene had me ROTFL
    more than any new episode in quite a while.  Grade: A-

Dominik Halas: An absolutely _brilliant_ episode.  The plot was strong
    and well-knit, there weren't any unfunny tangential jokes that drag
    on forever, the characterization was right on, Homer wasn't a
    complete idiot, and there were tons of hilarious lines.  IMHO this
    episode will rank among the all-time greats.  Grade: A+.

Don Del Grande: A-minus - call me crazy, but I liked this one better
    than the previous two.  (For some reason, the episodes I like the
    best usually originally sound like they're going to be bad
    episodes.)  I do wish they would have come up with something better
    for Maggie to say than "Da-diddily-doodily".

Benjamin Robinson: Another fine effort of the kind that we used to take
    for granted two years ago.  In particular, the improbable
    coincidences that led to the kids' removal, and the scene where Bart
    and Lisa discover they miss their parents, were well handled.  In
    all, this episode is on a par with "Radio Bart" and "Bart the
    Lover."  (9/11 -> A)

Aaron Varhola: With the exception of "Lisa's Wedding", the first
    genuinely touching episode since "Homer's Triple Bypass".  Although
    some of the gags misfired, and the ending could have been better,
    the emotional parts hit home, the satire of child welfare agencies'
    mistakes was effective, and Akom did an incredible job with the
    animation.  A.

Keith Palmer: The characterization and gags complimented themselves
    quite nicely in this episode, and it was a pleasant flashback, to a
    time when the Simpsons were a dysfunctional family struggling to
    survive in a more perfect world.  I even liked Maggie's line.
    Grade: A.

Tony Hill: This was a fabulously funny episode, with the best lines
    being "stupid babies need the most attention" and Homer's remark
    about the starfish.  It was a classic OFF plot where the day begins
    nearly normal and then things start to snowball, a la "Stark Raving
    Dad."  There was hardly any deviation from the main plot.  I give it
    an A!

Yours truly: A very strong episode, character-rather than gag-driven.
    It was full of moving scenes, and when the jokes _were_ present,
    they were smoothly integrated and hilarious to boot.  And the
    animation was sharp.  I'd love to see Ned on Jeopardy answering
    questions from a biblical category.  Grade: A.

===============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
===============================================================================
>> "America Loves Ted Kennedy"

Tony Hill expounds, "Polls showed that Sen.  Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass)
    would be a leading contender for the 1980 Democratic Presidential
    nomination against Jimmy Carter in the summer of 1979.  In the next
    several months, just about _every_ newspaper, magazine and TV
    newscast did a report on the 1969 Chappaquiddick scandal - which
    voters had largely forgotten.  In that incident, a twentysomething
    female passenger in the Senator's car, Mary Jo Kopechne, had drowned
    in an unusual accident on Chappaquiddick Island off the coast of
    Massachusetts.  It is believed that Kennedy, while drunk, had driven
    off a narrow bridge while entertaining a woman not his wife, while
    unbeknownst to them, Kopechne was asleep in the backseat.  Kennedy
    pleaded guilty to leaving the scene of the accident.  Following all
    the fresh publicity, Kennedy's presidential campaign foundered, and
    he has never since been a contender, although he continues to
    represent Massachusetts in the Senate."

>> Springfield Bentley

Benjamin Robinson explains, "The car that Homer test-drove (or something
    close to it) actually exists.  It's a Bentley Azure, recently
    introduced as the flagship of the Bentley range.  Essentially the
    convertible version of the Continental R, I believe the Azure shares
    with it a turbocharged V8 good for about 385bhp.  The Azure also
    sports a price tag of around US$350,000.  I'm surprised Springfield
    Bentley (they sell Bentley but not Rolls-Royve?  How did that
    happen?) let Homer near the thing."

>> "40 Trampled at Poco Concert"

Aaron Varhola says, "This headline refers to the tragedy at a Who
    concert in Cincinnatti in 1978, where 12 fans were crushed to death
    in a stampede for general admission tickets.  (This event was
    handled well by a WKRP episode, when Herb Tarlek gives tickets to
    nerdy newsman Les Nessman, and he enjoys the concert, until he finds
    out what happened.)  Poco is a folk-rock group from the mid-late
    70's, and its fans would hardly cause a stampede."

>> The Swartzwelder statue

Aaron Varhola says the statue "is a perfect likeness of Simpsons writer
    John Swartzwelder.  He also appears as the author of `How to Make a
    Fortune Writing Cartoons' in 9F16; one of the writers goofing off in
    the writers' room in 9F16; and as one of Burns' `dead ringers' in
    8F13.  He also has the neighboring county named after him."

>> Captioning notes

When Flanders pulls the air horn from the emergency baptism kit, it
    plays a couple of lines of the "Hallelujah" chorus from Handel's
    "Messiah".  But as both Ricardo Lafaurie and I noticed, the closed
    captioning has the line "'Tis a gift to be simple" instead.  It is
    likely that the original tune was overdubbed with the more familiar
    one after the captioners had finished with the episode.

>> "Batman" references

Ricardo Lafaurie lists the following previous episode references to
    "Batman":

    - 7F21: Bart grabs comic book receptionist and says "I'm Bartman"
      (movie)
    - 8F15: spinning background and Bart's head
    - 8F20: "To the Simpson-mobile!"
    - 9F07: Adam West (the original Batman) guest stars, and drives the
      Batmobile
    - 9F15: Lisa smashes the mirror like the Joker
    - 9F15: Burns and Smithers slide down poles
    - 2F17: campy '70s Radioactive Man
    - 3F01: spinning background and state seal

===============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary
===============================================================================
% Marge bustles about the kitchen, making breakfast for her family.  She
% fries eggs, pours orange juice, makes the kids lunches, serves
% waffles, and microwaves some toast.

Marge: Here's your toast, Maggie!  I melbafied it myself.
        [Lisa walks in]
       Oh, Lisa, honey, I tracked down those old newspapers for your
       history project.
 Lisa: Wow, Mom.  You didn't have to go to _this_ much trouble.
Marge: Oh, it was no trouble.  The hobos at the dump were very
       helpful...except one man seemed to have mental problems.
 Bart: [walks in] 'Morning.
Marge: Bart, it's class photo day.  No dracula fangs!
 Bart: But they told us to wear them.
Marge: No they didn't!  [pulls them from Bart's mouth]
        [sees "I'm a stupid baby" taped to Lisa's back] Huh?
       And don't put signs on your sister.
        [gives the kids their lunches]
       Now, keep the lettuce separate until 11:30.  That way, the
       lettuce stays moist and the bread stays dry!  Huh?  Huh?
-- Another Simpson family morning, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

 Lisa: Mom, you fuss over us _way_ too much.
Marge: Enjoy it now, because when you're a grownup you'll have to take
       care of yourself!
Homer: [whining] Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: You did the right thing by telling me.
        [walks away] Shoo!  Get out of here.
Homer: [sighs] Ah, that's better.
-- Chain of command, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

   Homer: Now that we're alone, papa bear has a little honey for his
          mama bear.  [gives Marge a pair of tickets]
   Marge: [chuckles] [gasps, reads] "Good for a three hour getaway at
          the Mingled Waters Health Spa...mineral bath, facial, massage
          --" How did you afford these?
   Homer: Ho ho, never you mind.
           [flashback to "Springfield Bentley" store]
           [Homer sits in a Bentley wearing a monocle with a salesman]
   Homer: [forced British accent] What advantages does this motor car
          have over, say, a train -- which I could also afford?
Salesman: Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms you feet
          while --
           [Homer floors it and they speed away]
           [two seconds later] -- gently massages your buttocks.
          Well, Count Homer, shall we discuss the --
   Homer: No, we sha'n't.
           [pulls passes from the Salesman's pocket]
          Yoink!  [runs off]
-- Monocles a man maketh, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: Homey, this is so sweet, but I can't possibly go now.  The sink
       is full of dirty dishes, the trash needs to be taken out, the
       living room is a mess --
Homer: Oh, we'll clean up this afternoon.
Marge: What about Maggie?
Homer: I got my dad to look after her.
  Abe: [suddenly] Behind you!
Marge: [jumps] Yee!  Don't _do_ that!
  Abe: [sputters] Don't do _that_!
Homer: Come on, honey: you work yourself _stupid_ for this family.  If
       anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud,
       it's you.
Marge: Hmm.  Uh, all right, but I'm taking something to iron with me in
       the car -- [gets yanked away]
-- Faithful to the last, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% At Springfield Elementary, the grade four students line up for a
% photo.

    Edna: Tighten those braids, Missy...hoist your flag, Dooley...
          Nelson, you look adorable.
  Nelson: I feel like punching myself.
    Edna: Bart, stop scratching.  You're messing up your hair.
           [goes to comb it, sees bugs hopping around in his hair]
          Aah!  Lice?!  How on earth does a boy get head lice in _this_
          day and age?
           [flashback to Bart with a monkey on his head]
Milhouse: We bought a wicker basket from Pier One, and he was passed out
          inside!
           [back to the present]
    Bart: Hey, how come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse?
Milhouse: [pale and shivering] So c-cold, so very very cold...
-- Nothing but the ol' Ebola virus, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

% Skinner watches as Willy burns Bart's lice-infested clothes.

  Willy: See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers.
          [lots of little screams are heard as the clothes burn]
Skinner: What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpal
         hygiene?
  Willy: Well, you better check out his sister.  She could be rife with
         them bugs ["boogs"] too!
-- The lice become no more, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Outside, some bully girls play keepaway with Lisa's shoes: they've
% hung them up on a telephone wire.

  Girls: Keepaway!  Keepaway.
   Lisa: Hey, come on!  Those are prescription shoes.  I _need_ them.
  Girls: [chanting] You have cooties!  You have cooties!
   Lisa: No I don't!
Skinner: [over PA] Lisa Simpson, report to the Principal's Office for
         head-lice inspection.
          [girls laugh]
          [a soccer ball nails Lisa in the back of the head]
   Lisa: Ow!  [muffled] My...tongue.
    Boy: Heads up.
-- Off to the Principal's Office she goes, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

% When she arrives, her feet are muddy, her hair is messy, and her
% tongue lolls out.  "Principal Skinner?  I need some shoes," she lisps.
% "Sweet Georgia Brown!" exclaims Seymour, "Something is rotten at the
% Simpson house."  He dials a phone number, and a minute later, a van
% from the Springfield child protection agency speeds toward Evergreen
% Terrace.
%
% Meanwhile, at the spa, Homer and Marge lie in a sauna.  Marge pours
% some water on the rocks.

    Marge: [blissful] Mmm...this is so relaxing.  Homey, this was a
           wonderful idea.
    Homer: [chuckles] Yeah.  If that mafia guy weren't staring at us,
           I'd take off my towel.
Mafia guy: [off-camera] Oh, don't mind-a me.  Look, I do it first.
    Marge: Huh?
-- More information than they needed, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

% The child protection agents arrive at the house and can't believe the
% mess.

  Goodman: Whoa, would you look at this place?
  Agent 2: [speaking into a tape recorder] Sink full of dirty dishes,
           trash not taken out, living room a mess, stacks of old
           newspapers -- from twenty years ago!
            [Abe sleeps in front of the TV with Snowball II on top]
Announcer: Get ready, gamblers, for the world series of dog racing!
            [Snowball II gets scared and runs off]
      Abe: What the -- [the agents snap some photos] [stammers]
  Goodman: Hmm.  A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his
           own filth, seems confused and dehydrated.
  Agent 2: Where's the baby?
      Abe: Well that's her, ain't it?
            [Maggie drinks from SLH's water bowl]
           Kids love that water.
  Agent 2: [picks Maggie up] Oh my Lord!
            [Maggie has the "I'm a stupid baby" sign on]
  Goodman: Stupid babies need the most attention.
-- Truisms in child raising, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% At the spa, Marge and Homer lie in mud baths.  A woman's voice intones
% soothingly, "All is well...all is well."  [MR] Suddenly, a man's voice
% cuts in: "Turn tape over!"  The tape rewinds, then resumes its gentle
% chanting.  The Simpson parents sink blissfully into the mud.
%
% The child protection agents wait at home when Bart and Lisa walk in.

Agent 2: Children, where are your parents?
   Lisa: I don't know.  They should be here.
Goodman: Yes, they _should_ be here.  Tsk, tsk.  Those parents better
         have a good excuse.
  Homer: [walks in] Ah, I love getting away from this dump.
  Marge: It's like I'm on some wonderful drug.
Goodman: Ahem --
  Marge: What's going on here?
Goodman: Child welfare, ma'am.
Agent 2: Here's a little bedtime reading.  [hands Marge a paper]
  Marge: Mmm!  "Squalid hellhole"?  "Toilet paper hung in improper
         overhand fashion"?  "Dogs mating on dining room table"?
          [SLH looks guilty and whines]
-- As opposed to trying to jump over one another, "Home Sweet Home-
    Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Goodman leads Bart, Lisa, and Maggie outside.

  Marge: What are you doing with my children?
Agent 2: We're taking them where you can't get them!
  Marge: What?  No!  No -- you can't -- I won't let you --
Agent 2: Mrs. Simpson, restrain yourself, or you'll be arrested!
          [the kids are shut in a large van]
Goodman: Now, just relax, kids.  All we're doing is taking you to...
         [sinister] a foster home!  [floors it]
          [the kids press their faces against the back window]
          [Marge and Homer watch, distraught]
          [they pull into the Flanders' house]
   Todd: Yay!
    Ned: Heydily-ho!  Welcome to your new home, neglecterinos.
-- Thanks, Nedoodily, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 6:37]

 Goodman: Kids, meet your new foster family.
Rod+Todd: We love you!
    Bart: [getting hugged] Uh...please don't hug me.  It sickens me.
   Maude: I don't judge Homer and Marge.  That's for a vengeful God to
          do.
     Ned: Mm hmm.  All we want to do is give you kids a good home until
          they get their act together.
    Lisa: You don't understand.  Mom and Dad take good care of us.
           [one of her teeth falls out]
          That was a baby tooth.  [whistles on the "th"]
          It was loose!  [whistles on the "s"]
 Agent 2: Don't you worry, little girl.  We'll get you some nice county
          dentures.
-- And that's the tooth, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% The police put up barricades and tape around the Simpson house.  The
% parents can only watch as their children are led into the Flanders'
% home.

Marge: [reading a sign on their door] "Parents are not to communicate
       with children, and must stay at least 100 feet away at all
       times."
Homer: We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them
       away?
  Abe: [walking off] Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch.
-- "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Dejected, the parents walk inside.

Marge: I can't believe I put my own pleasure ahead of my home and
       family.  That is so like me.
Homer: Oh, Marge, don't blame yourself.  _I'm_ the terrible parent.  The
       boy bugs the hell out of me, I can't help Lisa with her
       homework...the only thing I'm fit to take care of is a
       houseplant.
        [the plant is dead]
       Lousy houseplant!  [shakes it] You son of a -- I'll teach you to
       -- [tires] [sighs] Oh.
-- The adults bemoan their fate, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% At the Flanders', Rod and Todd use mini printing presses to play a
% game of Reporter.  They produce papers dor "The Flanders Press".

      [Rod shows Todd a headline: "Playtime Is Fun"]
Todd: [gives thumbs-up] Go with it!
Bart: Here you go, Todd: the city edition.
       [headline: "Extra Extra!  Todd Smells"]
 Rod: Bart, I don't know if this should be an "extra".
Todd: Is your source on this reliable?
-- The Flanders kids miss the point, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

Bart: [shudders] I hate this place.
Lisa: Yeah.  It seems like our house, but everything's got a creepy Pat
      Boone-ish quality to it.
 Ned: Hey, kids!  Nachos, Flanders style -- that's cucumbers with
      cottage cheese.
       [Rod and Todd gleefully take some]
       [Lisa takes one and sniffs it suspiciously]
       [Bart eats one, then spits it out]
      Oh, Bart, I know you're still getting adjusted here.  Tell you
      what: we'll do whatever _you_ want to do.
Bart: Watch "Itchy and Scratchy"!
 Ned: Well, I guess a _little_ television won't hurt.  [whispers] I used
      to let the boys watch "My Three Sons" but it got them all worked
      up before bedtime.
-- "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% The kids assemble themselves before the TV.  Ned blows the dust off
% the remote control and flicks the TV on.  The I&S theme music begins
% and the screen shows the title: "Foster Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!"
%
% Scratchy reads "Nice" magazine in a rocking chair when the doorbell
% rings.  He looks both ways out the spyhole, then his eye bulges out as
% he looks down.  He undoes the many door locks and bolts, grabs a
% shotgun, then opens the door a crack and points the gun at the basket
% that's been left on his doorstep.  He throws the blanket aside and
% sees a young Itchy with a baby bonnet sucking on a bottle.  His heart
% fills with love and he cuddles the youngster to him.  Itchy smashes
% his bottle, laughing, and uses it to dig two big bloody hunks out of
% Scratchy's chest.  Scratchy collapses, and Itchy walks over him into
% the house, then back out again with a TV.  He walks away laughing,
% leaving a trail of bloody footprints.  Scratchy has the strength
% remaining to weep, "Why?  Why?  My only son," whereafter he collapses.
%
% As usual, Bart and Lisa love it.  Rod and Todd, however, are pale and
% shaky.

 Rod: Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears?
 Ned: Uh, that's, that's just, er, raspberry jam.
Todd: Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did?
 Ned: No, son.  No sirree, bob.
-- Rod and Todd, meet Itchy and Scratchy, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

% Homer peeks through a venetian blind toward the Flanders' house.

Marge: Can you see them?
Homer: I can see Lisa...but it might be a starfish!  I gotta call them.
       [runs, dials a phone]
Woman: [recording] The number you have dialed can no longer be reached
       from this phone, you [splice] negligent [spice] monster.
Homer: Oh...
Marge: That's it.  We're going downtown to get our kids back -- right
       now!
-- Marge makes a plan, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Marge and Homer plead their case before the judge from 1F20.

Marge: We've always tried to be good parents.  Please!  I'm begging you,
       one mother to another.  You must have a family?
Judge: No, I don't care for children.
Homer: Well, wait a minute!  OK, I'm not going to win "Father of the
       Year".  In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who
       should have kids.  I --
        [the judge looks at him sternly]
       Er, well, er, wait...can I start again?
       Fathering children is the best part of my day.  I'd do _anything_
       for Bart and Lisa!
Judge: And, er, Margaret?
Homer: Who?  Lady, you got the wrong file.
Marge: [whispering] It's Maggie!
Homer: Oh, Maggie.  Er, I got nothing against Maggie.
-- The true sign of a loving parent, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

Judge: I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a
       lot to learn about being parents.  Before I can return your
       children, you'll have to complete a course called "Family
       Skills".  It teaches parents to listen to their --
Homer: Communication, gotcha.
Judge: But it's important to --
Homer: Listen, yes, I know.
Judge: But there's more to it than --
Homer: I have listening skills!
Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please --
Homer: Shut up, Judge!
-- Homer lays down the law, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% At the Flanders dinner table, Ned plays peekaboo with Maggie.  Maggie
% laughs with delight.

 Bart: I never heard Maggie laugh like that before.
 Lisa: Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention?
 Bart: When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her.
 Lisa: I thought I could ride this thing out, but everything's just too
       weird here.
 Bart: I know.  They put honey on pancakes instead of maple syrup.
 Lisa: They read "Newsweek" instead of nothing.
  Ned: Come on, you bloomy Guses.  Who's up for a big bowl of nonfat ice
       milk?
  Rod: I want wintergreen!
Maude: Unflavored for me.
        [Bart and Lisa look at each other]
-- Mmm, unflavored nonfat ice milk, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

% In the "Family Skills" class, Marge relates the story of her
% children's confiscation to the class.

  Marge: And then I saw my boy in a burlap sack, and they told me he had
         lice.  [sniffs]
   Flub: [in a burlap sack with lice] Is this story going somewhere?
Goodman: All right, Flub, we're all going to get a chance.  Mrs.
         Skinner, why are you here?
 Mrs. S: The county is threatening to take my Seymour away, d'oh.  We
         had another fight over the inflatable bath pillow.  I keep
         screeching and screeching at him but --
Goodman: All right, very good.
-- The end of their antiquing dates, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

Goodman: Now, who knows how the Skinners could have resolved this
         problem?
          [everyone puts their hands up]
         Without resorting to violence.
          [all hands but one descend]
         Or childish name-calling.
          [the last hand comes down] Anybody?  [nope] OK.  That's OK,
         because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light
         switch.
 Cletus: Duh, light switch?
Goodman: There are a lot of little tricks to it, things you should have
         learned a long time ago.  Such as, if you leave milk out, it
         can go sour.  Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a
         cool wet sack.
          [much later]
         And put your garbage in a garbage can, people.  I can't stress
         that enough.  Don't just throw it out the window.
  Marge: This is so humiliating.
  Homer: [writing furiously] "Garbage in garbage can"...hmm, makes
         sense.
-- Homer, note-taker, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Bart and Lisa spend their first night at the Flanders' house.

     Ned: Good night, my little foundlingadings.
    Bart: But it's only 7:00.
    Lisa: Yeah, the sun is still out.
           [she lifts the blinds to show most kids still playing]
           [Ned pulls them back down]
    Kids: [sighing] Oh...
           [Ned and Maude check on Maggie in her playpen]
   Maude: [singing] They say your folks can't pay the rent,
          So we're watching you by act of government.
     Ned: [singing] Well, I don't know if the allegations are true,
          But you got us, and baby, we got you.
Together: Babe, we got you, babe.
-- Maude's butt tries to be as high as Cher's, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-
    Dum-Doodily"

Lisa: You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us.  I think
      she's beginning to forget Mom and Dad.
Bart: Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?
Lisa: Or the way used to call the radio station with fake traffic?
       [they both laugh, then sigh]
      They're ten feet away, and we can't even talk to them.  I wish I
      could tell them how much I miss them.
-- Fish out of water, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% The Simpson parents, meanwhile, sit at home and miss their children.

Marge: It's so quiet here without the kids.
Homer: What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy
       tunes.
        [talks into her saxophone to the tune of Beethoven's fifth]
       Saxama-phone!  Saxama-phone!  [sighs] Oh.
Marge: I miss the way Bart would say something, and then say "dude".
Homer: I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now.
Marge: You mean Maggie?
Homer: [happy] That's it.
-- A baby by any other name, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Marge continues, "I've never been separated from the kids for so long.
% I don't know how much more I can take."  Just then, the doorbell rings
% multiple times in succession.  "That's Bart's ring!" both parents
% yell, then run down to the front door.  When they open it, they're
% greeted by the cold night wind.  A paper rustles under the "Welcome"
% doormat.  Homer picks it up and reads output from the Flanders press.
% "`Todd Smells'.  Oh, I already know that."  Marge implores him to look
% at the other side, and when he turns it over, he sees "Simpson Kids
% Miss Mom & Dad".  Marge and Homer look out into the night, holding
% each other.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time: 14:39]
%
% The "Family Skills" course is almost over, and the agent is testing
% Homer and Cletus.

Goodman: OK, let's see if we've learned anything.  I want you two to
         simulate a typical household problem.  Go.
 Cletus: [on Homer's knee] Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door
         again.
  Homer: Why you cotton-pickin' -- [strangles Cletus]
          [the class looks critically at Homer]
          [to himself] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids.
          [to Cletus] Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.
 Cletus: [stricken] I love you, Pa!  [weeps]
  Homer: I love you, Cletus!  [weeps]
          [the class cheers; some shoot guns into the air]
-- With a hoedown to celebrate, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% At the Flanders' house, everyone sits in a circle on the living room
% floor.

      Ned: Well, children, it's Saturday night.  So, what say we let our
           hair down and play "Bombardment"?
Bart+Lisa: Yay!
      Ned: Of Bible questions?
 Rod+Todd: Yay!
      Ned: Which version shall it be?
     Todd: St. James!
      Rod: The Vulgate of St. Jerome!
            [Ned looks through the Bible bookcase]
      Ned: "Vulgate" it is.
     Todd: [disappointed] Aw.
      Ned: OK, for one gold star, what Persian kind exempted the Levites
           from taxation?
      Rod: Artaxerxes!
      Ned: Righty-o!
            [licks a star, sticks it on Rod's face]
-- Whoop de do, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Much later, Todd and Rod are covered with stars (and Todd even coughs
% up some), Maggie has a star, and Maude has two.  She looks worriedly
% at Ned.

  Ned: Well...?
 Todd: I know!
  Ned: No, son, we've got to let Bart and Lisa get one.  Come on, this
       one's easy.
 Lisa: [pause] We give up.
  Ned: Well, guess!  Book of Revelations, fire-breathing lion's head,
       tail made out of snakes...who else is it going to be?
 Bart: [unsure] Jesus?
  Ned: [yelling] Je...Jes...don't you kids know anything?  The Serpent
       of Rehaboam?
        [the kids look blank]
       The Well of Zohassadar?
        [the kids look blank]
       The Bridal Feast of Beth Chedruharazzeb?
Maude: Wait.  That's the kind of thing you should start learning at
       baptism.
 Lisa: Um, ahem, actually, you see, ahem, we were never baptised.
        [Ned groans and faints]
Maude: Oh!  Neddy?  Neddy?  [waves smelling salts under him]
       Neddy!
  Ned: [wakes up] No, that ain't gonna do it.  [faints again]
-- How to make Ned faint, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% It's graduation time from "Family Skills".  Everyone is dressed in
% gowns and mortarboards.  They come up two at a time to get their
% diplomas.

Goodman: I'm very proud of you people.  You've learned how to care for
         your children, you've learned how to maintain your homes, and
         you've all passed a drug test.  Except for Marge -- Marge, you
         tested positive for Crack and PCP.
  Marge: Oh my!
          ["Fifteen minutes later"]
Goodman: OK, the retest says you're clean.  Sorry about the mistake.
  Marge: The only thing I'm high on is love...love for my son and
         daughters.  Yes, a little LSD is all I need.
Goodman: All right, sounds very good.
-- Marge makes drug puns, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% The class cheers and throws their mortarboards into the air.  Some
% class members fire guns.
%
% Ned still can't get over the fact that Bart and Lisa aren't baptized.

    Ned: Jeepers H. Crackers.  I'd better call the Reverend.
          [pushes "Rev. Lovejoy" button on phone]
          [the Rev is playing with a train set]
 Mrs. L: Heh heh, Ned Flanders is on the phone.
Lovejoy: [groans] Mmm...hello, Ned.
    Ned: [breathless] Reverend...emergency!  I -- it's the Simpson kids
         -- eedily -- I, uh, baptism -- oodily -- uh -- doodily doodily!
Lovejoy: Ned...have you thought about one of the other major religions?
         They're all pretty much the same.  [hangs up]
          [his train crashes]
         Oh.  Damn Flanders!
    Ned: Looks like I'm going to have to baptise you myself.
          [breaks open the Emergency Baptism kit]
          [presses an air horn which plays a bit of the "Hallelujah"
         chorus from Handel's "Messiah"]
-- A poor substitute for Gabriel's trumpet, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-
    Dum-Doodily"

% Homer and Marge come home.  The police start dismantling the
% barricades while the parents go next door to get their kids.

Homer: Kids!  We're good parents now.  Get your asses out here!
Marge: We've missed you so much.
        [they gasp at the "Gone Baptizin'" sign on Flanders' door]
       He's going to baptize _our_ children?
Homer: Oh, no!  In the eyes of God they'll be Flanderseseses.
-- Homer confuses possessives, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% On the way to the baptism site, Ned reflects on recent events.

   Ned: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents,
        but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!
 Maude: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the
        Flanders flock.
  Bart: Ha ha, you're going to be Lisa Flanders!
  Lisa: You're going to be _Bart_ Flanders.
  Bart: Aah!
 Maude: Oh, relax, Bart.  Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
  Bart: That's because she can't talk.
Maggie: [pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!
         [she turns her head 180 degrees to face Bart and Lisa]
-- Maggie "Linda" Simpson, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Homer and Marge are in hot pursuit.

Marge: Where are we going?  Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic.  To find Flanders, I just have to think like
       Flanders!
        [thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same
       stupid sweater every day and --
        [aloud] The Springfield River!
-- "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% At said river, the Flanders family sings the final couple of lines of
% "Amazing Grace".  Ned is dressed in priestly garb.

Ned: Today we write a new page in the Flanders Family Bible!
      [he leads the kids into the water]
     Who wants to be the first to enter God's good graces?
      [Bart and Lisa point to each other]
-- You first, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Rev. Lovejoy has a couple of movers helping him move his train track.
% As they reach the middle of the road, Homer's car slams through the
% board on which the tracks are mounted, destroying it.  Lovejoy
% implores heavenward, "Why do you hate my trains?"
%
% At the river, Ned prepares to anoint Bart with water from a golden
% chalice.  Homer and Marge arrive, Homer spots the "I (heart) your
% children" bumper sticker on Flanders' car, and he growls and runs down
% the hill to the river.  On the way, he trips, and bounces down the
% rest of the way, coming to rest with his face in the mud on the bank.
% He looks up just in time to see Ned tipping the chalice.  "No!" he
% cries in slow-motion, diving toward Bart to knock him out of the way.
% He reaches Bart just in time -- but the baptism water lands on Homer's
% head instead.  He writhes around in the river and growls, finally
% coming to rest face down.
%
% Bart and Lisa run up to him and hug him.

 Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me.  How do you feel?
Homer: [reverently] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo
       after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
  Ned: [gasps] Wait!  Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
  Ned: Oh, fair enough.
-- Ned, forgiving Christian, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% Homer looks toward the bank and sighs, "Oh, there's my sweet little
% Maggie."  She looks to his outstretched arms, then over at the
% Flanders family, who stand clean and dry on the bank with a butterfly
% flying and rabbit hopping around them.  In the water, meanwhile,
% Homer, Bart, and Lisa look sodden, and a frog jumps out of the water.
% Maggie starts to walk toward the Flanders, but just then, Marge walks
% around the corner.  Maggie reaches for her mother, and Marge scoops
% her up and spins around with her in the sunlight.  "Oh, Maggie, you're
% a Simpson again."  As if in agreement, she pulls out her pacifier and
% burps.
%
% The Simpson family, reunited at last, hug and walk away.

Marge: So what was it like at the Flanders' house?
Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt.
 Lisa: Let's see.  Dirt....dirt...well, there wasn't really much dirt.
 Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.
Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.
        [the family laugh too]
-- Humorous epithets, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

% [End of Act Three.  Time: 21:14]
%
% Over the credits, Homer continues, "I always knew he'd keep his old
% cans of paint."  Marge asks, "How do you like that?"
===============================================================================
> Contributors
===============================================================================
   {fb}  Frederic Briere
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {sng} Suresh Goel
   {dh2} Dominik Halas
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {hl}  Haynes Lee
   {jp}  Jussi Pakkanen
   {wp}  Werner Peeters
   {av}  Aaron Varhola
   {by}  Bob Yantosca
   {mz}  Michael Zey
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)