Homer Goes to College Written by Conan O'Brien Directed by Jim Reardon =============================================================================== Production code: 1F02 Original airdate in N.A.: 14-Oct-93 Capsule revision H, 22-Feb-97 =============================================================================== > Title sequence =============================================================================== Blackboard :- None due to shortened intro. Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro. Couch :- The family runs in and sits on the couch, when they get crushed by a Terry Gilliam-esque Monty Python bare foot. =============================================================================== > Did you notice... =============================================================================== ... Bart is drinking tea and dipping a marshmallow square into it? ... the sign outside Springfield College: "Ask about our latin motto contest"? ... the nerds say "Intruder alert" and "Stop the humanoid", which are from the "Berserk" video game? ... one of the nerds has a pocket protector, and another has a calculator? ... the "Space Mutants 5" and Devo posters, and the triple bunk bed in the nerds' room? ... the sign outside Springfield A&M: "If you were a student here, you'd be home by now"? Don Del Grande: ... The kitchen bulletin board has the "four-finger turkey", "God Bless This Mess", something about "Pizza", and a drawing of a dinosaur. ... Bart is drinking Buzz cola (well, Buzz something). ... Homer's high school diploma says "Springfield High School GED". Ricardo Lafaurie: ... Smithers sleeps like a dog? ... the painters have indeed moved Burns' desk from its usual position? ... the dean in the college movie is named _Bitter_man? ... Springfield Univeristy has phone-in modem connect? =============================================================================== > Voice credits =============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Quimby, Abe, Krusty) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Agent 2, less gifted employee, "Steakie" commercial voice, admissions committee man, Dean Bitterman, Corey Masterson, Nerdlinger, Jock, worried student, Dean Peterson, nerd 1, nerd 2, construction worker, meltdown man, Snake) - Harry Shearer (Burns, Smithers, Bernie, Lawyer, application reviewer, guidance counselor, the President, college lecturer, nerd 3, construction foreman, meltdown man, Richard Nixon) - Also Starring - Maggie Roswell (power plant voice, Agent 1, application reviewer, answering machine voice) =============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references =============================================================================== + Monty Python - animated foot in title sequence - "Holy Grail": the Knights who say "Ni!" + "Let's Make A Deal" - Burns trying to get the inspector to take "what's in this box" + "Star Wars"/"Spaceballs" - Burns' escape pod "The Maltese Falcon" - "jade monkey" stuff + "The Untouchables" (the movie) - Burns' meeting with the admissions committee Punch and Judy {bl} - Burns holds the bat just like Punch: vertical, parallel to his body, with both arms gripped around the handle end "Jaws" - Bart scraping his fingers on the blackboard + Talking Heads - Lisa refers to David Byrne - The I&S cartoon: title similar to "Burning Down the House" + "Room 222" {rc} - the nerds' room number - music in the background + "The Blob" - fleeing the radioactive school Usenet (rec.arts.startrek hierarchy) - "Picard vs. Kirk" (mailed from MIT) + "A Clockwork Orange" {er} - Homer's eyes are being held open to study with a similar device used in the movie "Paper Chase" {ekf} - music during final exam + Miscellaneous college party movies - many similarities to "Revenge of the Nerds", "Meatballs", "Animal House", "Porky's", etc. =============================================================================== > Previous episode references =============================================================================== - [7F01] An inspection of the nuclear plant {rl} - [7F10], [8F07] Smithers is associated with a dog {rl} - [8F04] Burns gives Smithers the cold shoulder in a nuclear scare {rl} - [9F01] The Simpsons' home is set on fire {rl} - [9F03] Homer's knowledge of the Supreme Court justices {rl} =============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun =============================================================================== - Homer's "dorm" room: {rc} - Posters - Ballet - W. C. Fields - Einstein with his tongue out - On his bookshelf - lava lamp - eight ball - The Dean's office: {rc} - miniature basketball hoop - Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" poster - A couple of the frames as the pig snaps his head around to bite Homer are truly hilarious: the pig's head becomes angular, his mouth full of jagged teeth. - Just before Bart and Lisa scream as the TV is unplugged, a couple of frames grossly distort their faces. - Homer's test answers were ADBD/BECB/CBDC/ECED/DADB/CDCC/ABBB - Still shots behind the credits: {rk} - Homer, in a toga, water skiing. - Homer in a food fight. - Homer, naked, being spanked during Rush Week. - Lots of guys being stuffed into a telephone booth. - A tank trying to run over a football player. - Nixon wearing a bra on his head (cf School of Hard Knockers) - Homer pushing the dean into the swimming pool. - Homer at graduation, flashing the audience. =============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs =============================================================================== The trap door button on Burns' desk changes from small and white on a blue background to larger and red on a red background. How did Homer learn to set his watch alarm? (Looks like Lisa saved mankind this time). {ddg} When Homer is trying to fill out the applications and Lisa takes one of them and reads it UPSIDE DOWN! I mean, Homer was sitting in front of her, and when Lisa takes the application, she doesn't turn the sheet, so the letters must be upside down. {bs} I don't know about Springfield, but in Berkeley, which is on the periodic table (TWICE, if you count "Californium"), nuclear physics requires one year of the non-nuclear kind first. {ddg} Since when does a high school give out GEDs? {ddg} The Simpson house has TWO front doors - one in front of the stairs and one in the "TV room" near the kitchen. (Only the first one is seen from the outside.) {ddg} "Knights Who Say 'Ni'" isn't in any of the TV episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus, but in the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". {ddg} When Homer was cramming, the library used Dewey Decimal Numbers; every college library I've been in uses Library of Congress "numbers". {ddg} In the credit sequence, the VW bus changed from pink in the ground shot to red in window. {nt} In the last frame of the credits, when Homer flashes the commencement ceremony, how did Homer get a diploma? {ddg} =============================================================================== > Reviews =============================================================================== [Editor's note: opinions on this show were so polarized, this section has been made quite long on purpose.] Eliot Williams: I found this last episode to be utterly devoid of any plot and there were extremely few _funny_ parts. I normally laugh hysterically at least once during an OFF episode, but not this week. I sincerely hope the quality of the shows improve else I might have to only watch each episode three times. Phil Karn: This was definitely the best Simpsons episode I've seen in a long time. The three stereotypical computer nerds, references to NG vs Classic Trek, Monty Python, etc, were all hysterical to me. Maybe it helps to have been a college student in the 1970s (ie., to be about the same age as Groening and his writers) to really appreciate this episode. Chris Corcoran: Don't get me wrong. I really liked Cape Feare, and the B#'s was kind of good in a weird way, but the college episode was the worst Simpsons episode I've ever seen. I've loved every other episode, I'm not at all critical when I watch but what happened? Are there new writers? I'm embarrassed. I've gotten so many people into this show, and now I look stupid. Ron Dippold: I thought this was far better than the last episode. The references, where they were used, integrated very smoothly into the story flow, and didn't seem strained, as they have been. It could also be that I'm a big Homer fan (Wahoooo!) and he was in top form this time. Plus the three geeks were priceless. Ron Carter: Yikes! Really, really bad, and the "true" second show of the new season? *sigh* Highlights were the I&S episode, the "Steakie" commercial, and the freeze frames during the end credits, in other word, virtually any stuff not having to do with the "plot" of Homer in college. My score for it? The same score Homer gets on his final: F. Andrew Ross: After two disappointing starts, OFF has hit its first "homer" of the new season. The entire episode was connected by a single theme (Homer trying to live college life as it's portrayed in the tits-n-zits sex comedies) which was integrated expertly with the plot. There were good jokes of proper duration every minute, and few or no slow spots. I give the episode an "A". Greg Charles: After watching the last three episodes, I have realized that the show sucks now. Oh, it's not easy for me to say that, but come on, they're not putting any thought into anymore. Satire has been replaced with sight gags. The characters are losing their individual personalities. The storylines have become a series of non sequiturs. The whole thing reminds me of the last season of Moonlighting, and we all know how ugly that got! [well, not all of us do - ed] Don Frega: I thought last night's episode was extremely clever. It didn't rely on sight gags and nonsequiturs as some of you have claimed, but rather parodied and saluted the college experience. The whole idea of Homer attending college in the 90s with his 70s expectations made for fine, fine humor. Those of us who have been out of college for a while can attest to the fact that college life simply isn't what it used to be (for better or for worse!). J. Constantyne: Despite the numerous people who have said this season has been lacking so far, I think ``Homer Goes to College'' was the weakest of the three, despite the fact that Mr. Burns and Smithers had a prominent role. The only good thing I have to say about the depiction of college is that based on the two Mid-Western universities I have attended, Springfield U. didn't have nearly enough squirrels on campus. John Wood: I've been laughing for the last five minutes at those who ripped apart last night's *hilarious* episode! The college references were wonderful and clever...everything had me ROTFL (Rolling On The Floor Laughing). [...] If you couldn't enjoy last night's episode, you can't enjoy The Simpsons! Shauna Farr-Jones: The three episodes so far this year have a lot more violence and I thought were far less funny. The Simpsons is the only show I ever watch but if this writing continues, I won't bother. Steve Portigal: Oh man, I LOVED that episode. I was killing myself laffin for most of it. Having been through first year physics, sat at the very back and been irked while everyone giggled at the aged professor's STUPID physics puns, I loved seeing Homer in the same position. I enjoyed it more when something I could relate to ended up in the episode. Having spent years with people who incessantly quote Python, who type madly at their computers about Star Trek and so on, I thought it was brilliant. Having had my modem on when others have tried to use the phone and have not understood what that noise was...yeah. And man, we all were finally ON the Simpsons, that Internet reference may have used Star Trek, but come ON! It was US! Don't care who likes it, I *DID*. Stephen Holland: I found it to be rather cliched. The nuclear inspection scenes were brilliant and so was the Itchy and Scratchy episode. It's nice to see satire in Itchy and Scratchy again after so many "let's see how much violence we can cram into this one" episodes. As for the university sequences...they struck me as a feeble attempt to turn Animal House on its head. The internet joke was funny but only because I know too many people who take questions like which captain was better or where Springfield is located seriously. Overall, I would have to say that this season is off to a bad start. However, I did like the rake sequence... Cameron Campbell: I also really enjoyed last night's episode...I thought it was one of the best I have seen in a long time. [...] The juxtaposition of Homer's expectations and the reality of college was hilarious. It was clear that Homer's expectations of what college was going to be like were based on cheezy T&A movies and TV shows that he had seen. The portrayal of the three nerds, too, was classic. Yours truly: Nope, I don't think I liked it much. If I had to pick two adjectives to describe this episode, they would be "disjointed" and "surreal". But once again, certain parts had me rolling ("Let's make a deal", the President dancing: "Secretary of Partying Down!", the incredibly cool Dean, Homer's speech before the proton accelerator, Picard vs. Kirk). It just didn't hang together enough for me, though. Rating: D. =============================================================================== > Comments and other observations =============================================================================== >> The shortened title sequence This episode proper was quite long (over 21 minutes), so presumably, in order to make time for enough commercials, they had to cut most of the title sequence. >> The nerd's names Juha Terho informs me that he has seen a production script for the episode, and that the nerd's names are Doug, Benjamin, and Gary. Gary's the black one, and Benjamin is the one without glasses and with the calculator on his hip. >> The Springfield A&M pig According to close captioning, the pig's name was "Sir Oinkcelot". I incorrectly wrote that Texas A&M's mascot was an armadillo, but Cheryl Haaker says, "Texas A&M's mascot is a dog, `Reveille', generally (but not necessarily) a collie. Texas University's mascot is a cow. I'm not aware of any colleges in Texas that use an armadillo as a mascot." >> Cars in the episode {nt} While Burns' escape pod crashed onto a cartoon car, the truck next to it was a Chevy of Mid-1930s vintage. The only identifiable vehicles in the trailer scenes were a VW bus from the ground, and then a blue VW bug next to it in the window scene. I never got a good shot of the Simpson's station wagon before. I always believed it to be the same make and model as Homer's Trabant- Oldsmobile. But in this episode, I noticed it had semi-round taillights built into the bumper, and the only cars I know that had that were mid-1970 Chevy Malibus and GM relatives. >> Homer's amazing stupidity Greg Wishart says, "I think Homer is getting worse. I mean, he used to be just plain `dim'. Now he's becoming the laughing stock of Springfield. I pity the man. That's why I want to be him on Hallowe'en." Michael Neylon responds, "Remember, if the writers are trying to incorporate continuity into the show, then Homer *should* be getting worse, according to the `Clip Show' (Why me laugh?). Furthermore, being in college can do crazy things to your mind, if you take it like Homer did. I had a roommate once that I know, given the chance, would frolic with the squirrels :)" >> Simpsons in decline? Some people have felt that the three episodes shown this season haven't been up to par, but Sean Starke answers them: "You folks are worse than those damn network executive weasels when it comes to giving up on a show with short notice. While I must admit that this episode was a little weak, I still think a weak Simpsons episode is better than anything else on TV. Sometimes they hit, and sometimes they miss, but whatever it is, you can't grade it based on previous episodes, or they might as well give up now. Lighten up, enjoy, and stop beating the rake into the ground." =============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary =============================================================================== % [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of % Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.] % % It's another lazy day at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Homer % sits snoring at his desk, his old, faithful dog snoozing in a chair % next to him. Lenny has craftily constructed a hammock for himself in % another room. % % In his sleep, Homer rests his head on the control panel in front of % him -- directly on the "PLANT DESTRUCT: PLEASE DO NOT PUSH" button. % The control room becomes awash in the red glow of emergency lights, % and the automated female voice says, "Core meltdown in ten seconds... % nine..." Homer's dog wakes up, hears the voice, and pulls the reset % lever with his mouth. The voice announces, "Meltdown averted...good % boy." % % Mr. Burns, too, is asleep in his chair, its back to his wall of % monitors. Yes, even the people on the monitors are asleep too. % Smithers sleeps, curled up beside Burns' chair. His leg twitches, and % he moans softly in his sleep. % % Outside, in the parking lot, the Nuclear Inspection Van recreational % vehicle pulls up. Three white hard-hatted, lab-jacketed inspectors % jump out and press the buzzer at the entrance to the plant. Agent 1: [presses the buzzer] Burns: [awakening, over the intercom] Mmm...hmm...what? How dare you disturb me during nap time. Agent 1: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence. Burns: There must be some mistake. We, er, we make cookies here: Mr. Burns' Olde-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy -- Agent 2: [to Agent 3] Get the axe. -- We've done this before, "Homer Goes to College" % Smithers and Burns watch from the window as the inspectors lead some % plant employees into their vehicle. Burns: The watchdog of public safety...is there any lower form of life? Smithers: Don't worry sir, I rounded up our less gifted employees and led them into the basement. [Shot of the basement with Homer and two other guys] Bernie: Duh, Homer, why are we down here? Homer: Aw, geez. I told you, Bernie: to guard the bee! Man: [whining] But why? Homer: Aw, you guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me head bee-guy. [Homer kicks the jar accidentally, smashing it, and the bee escapes] Bernie: Duh, he's gettin' away. Man: Oh, we did bad! -- No recess for you, "Homer Goes to College" % The inspectors want to test Homer's competence next, but Smithers % apologizes for him, saying, "He couldn't _bee_ here." Burns fobs them % off with some excuse about Homer chairing a conference on nuclear % fission in Geneva. Unfortunately, Homer jumps up through a manhole % cover just then, exclaiming, "The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's % big!" % % The inspectors put Homer in the van. Agent 2: Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station. Homer: [moans] Agent 2: Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight. Homer: What the hell are you talking about? -- This won't look good on a resume, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer is despondent. Homer: What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God you've got to tell me! [sobbing] Agent 2: Relax, it's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong. Homer: [sotto voce] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go. -- It's worked before, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer begins doing just that, but something goes horribly wrong. % "This can't be happening!" exclaims one of the inspectors, as the van % begins to glow green and sink into the ground. Panic ensues at the % plant. Burns decides to try to get away in his escape pod. He % activates the entrance to the pod, jumps in, and slams the door shut. % Smithers implores, "For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!" % but Burns likes to put his feet up. The pod takes off, but doesn't % even come close to reaching escape velocity. Instead, it crashes into % the street and continues bouncing down it in a crumpled ball. % % A glowing green Homer rises out of the hole left where the van used to % be, growling and fearsome. "Must destroy mankind," he intones, but % the alarm on his watch goes off, reminding him that it's lunch time. % He shakes off his radioactivity and bounds off to eat. % % The agents watch the detox team spray the hole in the parking lot with % a foamy sealant. Agent 2: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck! Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box. -- I can't decide, Monty, "Homer Goes to College" % One inspector wants the box, but the other inspector remembers her % ethics. She explains that Burns can't make the problem go away just % by throwing money at it, but just then, Mayor Quimby walks by in a fur % coat labeled "$5000" saying that he he's decided there will be no % investigation. He then leaves. % % The inspectors tell Burns that Homer's job requires college training % in nuclear physics. If he doesn't get Homer up to speed, they tell % him, they'll be forced to take legal action. "Is that so?" asks % Burns. "I have the feeling you'll be dropping the charges," he says, % emphasizing "dropping" as he pushes a red button on his desk. A trap % door springs open, but it's nowhere near where the inspectors are % standing. "The painters moved your desk," Smithers reminds him. % % The doorbell rings at the Simpsons house, and Homer goes to answer it. Homer: [answers the door, sees Burns with his lawyers] Aah! Burns: Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by. Marge: [nervously] Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares? [The lawyers discuss it quietly amongst themselves] Lawyer: Yes, he would. -- Executive decision, "Homer Goes to College" % At the table, Homer asks Burns to confirm that he must go to college. % Bart scoffs, asking Homer, "College? Barber or Clown?" Burns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing: [ominously] you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon. Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove compartment. Burns: And the road maps? And ice scraper? Smithers: They were in there too, sir. Burns: Ex-cellent! It's all falling into place. -- Now as long as there are no meddling kids..., "Homer Goes to College" % That night, in bed, Marge expresses her support for the idea of Homer % going to college. "You could learn so much," she thinks. "Maybe % you're right," says Homer, "I did always want to go to college, {but % fate stood in the way." He thinks back to high school, where his % guidance counselor tried to get him to sign an application, assuring % him, "You're a shoe-in," but Homer gets distracted by a dog with a ham % outside. Sighing, the counselor throws Homer's application away.} % % {Back in the present, Homer is filling out college applications. His % garbage bin is full of crumpled paper.} Homer: [growls in frustration] Lisa: Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see: "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life." Homer: Is "TV Guide" a book? Lisa: No. Homer: "Son of Sniglet"? Lisa: No. Homer: Katherine Hepburn's "Me"? Lisa: No! Homer: Oh, I suck. -- "Reading Digest" counts, though, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer slaves away at the applications. Homer: [writing] "...It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever." Bart: You the man, Homer! Homer: Thanks, boy! -- What it is, "Homer Goes to College" % For the crowning touch, Homer pastes his photo to the application. % The one he chooses shows him cramming a birthday cake into his mouth, % as Marge looks on worriedly. Bart: I dunno, Dad: don't you have a better picture? Homer: Relax. A photo can't make any difference. [A man and a woman review applications, and they come across Homer's] Man: [looking at the photo] He looks crazy. Woman: Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds. -- Next!, "Homer Goes to College" % Bart watches TV at home. Finally! The great taste of Worcestershire Sauce in a soft drink. Ah..."Steakie"! -- A TV commercial, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer walks in and preempts Bart's program for a show about college % that he really should watch. The show is called "School of Hard % Knockers", and it stars Corey Masterson. Prez: [on TV] Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I _am_ the President of the United States. Dean: Oh, don't worry. I've expelled those rowdy members of Chugalug house. Homer: [watching] Ohh, I hate that lousy Dean! Corey: [on TV] Your Bra Bomb better work, Nerdlinger! Nerd: Hey! [Corey presses the plunger; an explosion occurs in the background] [Many colors of bras rain down on the Dean and the President] Dean: Corey?! Don't worry, Mr. President, I -- [looks over, sees the President dancing and enjoying himself] Mr. President! Prez: Lighten up, Bitterman...that youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet. Secretary of Partying Down! Dean: [growls; a bra falls on his head] Homer: [triumphant] Yes! Take _that_, Bitterman. -- College is _just_ like that, "Homer Goes to College" % Marge brings in the mail: it has the decision letters from all the % colleges Homer applied to. Sadly, none of them are letters of % acceptance. Bart: Well, Pop, what are you going to do? Homer: [resolutely] Something I should have done a _long_ time ago. [long pause] Marge: You don't know, do you? Homer: [meekly] No, ma'am. -- Homer's empty life, "Homer Goes to College" % Burns thinks he has a solution. He wants to use his power at % Springfield University, where he holds a chair. But the meeting is % more difficult than he has foreseen. Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified! [There are nods of agreement] Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? [Everyone assents] Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, [Smithers hands him a baseball bat] not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules! [Burns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force] Man: [noticing] Er, excuse me, what are you doing? Burns: I'm giving you the [grunt] beating of your life! Man: Look, if -- stop that! -- you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? Burns: [collapses from exertion] Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage. -- "Homer Goes to College" % Homer is elated: Burns' tactic worked! Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T... -- You were saying?, "Homer Goes to College" % The fire Homer sets quickly engulfs the diploma and begins spreading % to the wall. % % [End of Act One. Time: 8:07] % % At last, it's... Homer: My first day of college. I wish my father was alive to see this. Abe: [springing up from the back seat] Hey! Homer: How long have you been back there? Abe: [meekly] Three days! -- That explains the smell, "Homer Goes to College" % Marge parks the car in the parking lot, and as she does, Homer sees a % nerd walk by. Homer: [yelling at a student] Neeeerd! Marge: Homer, that isn't very nice. Homer: Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time. [A "jock" walks by] Hey pal! Did you get a load of the nerd? Jock: [not understanding] Pardon me? -- The times, they are a-changin', "Homer Goes to College" % To meet some new friends, Homer takes Marge to the Freshman Mixer. % Glancing around, Homer sees a bowl of punch, and decides to help is % popularity. Homer: [spiking the punch] Heh heh, I'll be a campus hero. [Another student tastes the punch and spits it out] Student: Attention, everyone: the punch has been spiked. [Everyone gasps] Don't worry. Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly! [Everyone cheers] -- Let's try plan two, "Homer Goes to College" Homer: Marge, someone squeezed all the life out of these kids. And unless movies and TV have lied to me, it's a crusty, bitter old Dean! Dean: Hi there! Hello, I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some hackey sack. Or, hey! If you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for the Pretenders. [plays a riff] Homer: [bitterly] Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt. -- Character evaluation problems, "Homer Goes to College" % On the first day of class, Homer sits at the back of the lecture hall. % The lecturer is an older man in a white lab coat, and he speaks with a % germanic accent. "I see a lot of new faces," he says, "but, you know % the old saying: out with the old, in with the nucleus." Everyone % laughs except Homer. When the lecturer drops his cue cards by % mistake, Homer's mirth seems to know no bounds. None of the other % students see what he finds so funny. Prof: {Now if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class.} Homer: {[waving] Do we have to?} Prof: {No --} Homer: {Then kiss my curvy butt goood-bye!} -- "Homer Goes to College" % {Homer opts for chasing around a pair of squirrels with a stick % instead of staying for the (no doubt much needed) review session.} % % {At home, Homer has altered his room to be more like that of a college % student. He has posters of W. C. Fields, Einstein, and a ballerina's % feet on the wall, and he's made a makeshift bookshelf from four planks % and six cinderblocks. He's listening to "Louie, Louie" on his % stereo.} Marge: {Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase.} Homer: {Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus. Besides, it isn't costing us: I swiped the cinderblocks from a construction site. [At the site, a worker walks forlorn up to his boss]} Worker: {Sir, six cinderblocks are missing.} Boss: {There'll be no hospital, then. I'll tell the children.} -- "Homer Goes to College" % Back in Nuclear Physics 101, the professor explains a high-tech piece % of equipment to the class. Prof: This proton accelerator destabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it -- Homer: Uh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years, and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works. Prof: Well, please, come down and show us. Homer: All right, I will. [Everyone abandons the glowing green building] [Homer walks out, glowing green himself] Homer: [to meltdown men] In there, guys. Men: Thanks, Homer. -- If I didn't know better, I _might_ think you'd met him before, "Homer Goes to College" % The Dean is kind to Homer, despite the egregious nature of his screw- % up. Dean: Homer, no one blames you for the accident, we simply feel you might benefit from outside tutoring. I researched these names myself. [hands him a list] Homer: [to himself] Yeah, you've won this round, Dean...but the war isn't over. [exits] [Dean's phone rings] Dean: Hello? Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, Dean! You're a stupid-head. Dean: Homer, is that you? [looks out his window] Homer: [looks up, sees the Dean looking at him] Aah! -- Thank God for Call Display, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer wanders the college in search of room 222, where his tutors % live. He knocks on the door and is let in. When he greets the three % nerds, who are tapping furiously at their keyboards, they answer in % robotic voices, "Intruder Alert", and laugh. Homer: Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor. Nerd 1: Well, you've come to the right place then. If there's one thing we know, it is science. Nerd 2: And math. Nerd 3: And the words to every Monty Python routine. Nerds: [in unison] We are the Knights Who Say...Ni! Ni! [laughter] Homer: Heh heh...Ni. -- Homer's quest for a shrubbery, "Homer Goes to College" % At dinner that night, Homer excitedly tells the Simpson family about % his three new friends. Homer: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf. Bart: Listen to yourself, man: you're hangin' with nerds. Homer: You take that back! Marge: Homer, please! These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds. Homer: Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy! Lisa: Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include...popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme court justice David Souter. Homer: [gasp] Oh, not Souter! Oh, no! -- Mmm, Burgher, "Homer Goes to College" % The three nerds try to help Homer study, but he won't put any effort % into it. Nerd 1: Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table. Homer: Ehh, I'll write it on my hand. Nerd 1: Ho! Including all known lanthanides and actinides? Ha, ha! Good luck. -- Cerium, praseodymium, neodymium..., "Homer Goes to College" Homer: Come on, guys. Look at yourselves! All you do is study. I'm going to show you the true meaning of college: we're gonna go out and par-ty! Nerd 2: Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants. Nerd 1: Me too. Nerd 3: Me too. -- Don't forget the Cougar boots, "Homer Goes to College" Ah, the college road-trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem? -- Homer, "Homer Goes to College" % Marge sees Homer loading cases of beer in the car, and she goes out to % him. Marge: If you're going for a ride, I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa. Homer: [plaintively] But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no good. Nerd 1: Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine. -- Does it stain naugahyde?, "Homer Goes to College" % The beer-fueled mayhem turns out to be a trip to the Springfield % petting zoo. Lisa's happy that they let them feed the baby ducks, but % she seems to be alone in her happiness. Nerd 2: I need to go to the bathroom! Lisa: We stopped five minutes ago! Nerd 2: Yeah, but someone knocked on the door and I couldn't go. -- Tension and urination just don't mix, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer still tries to figure out a way to kick-start the nerds' social % lives. He decides a big crazy prank might do the trick: maybe rolling % the Dean up in a carpet and throwing him off a bridge? Bart has a % better idea: pignapping the Springfield A&M mascot, Sir Oinkcelot. % Homer combines the plans, suggesting they roll the pig up in a carpet % and throw him off a bridge, but there are no takers. % % Under cover of darkness, the five accomplices set out to steal Sir % Oinkcelot. When they lug the pig back to Homer's car, Homer starts % playing with its tail, noticing that even if you pull it straight, it % curls right back up again. He does it repeatedly until the pig chomps % on his hand in annoyance. Homer has to be restrained from harming the % poor innocent pig. % % Shortly thereafter, back at the dorm... Nerd 1: Hey, the pig's acting kind of funny. Nerd 2: He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor. Nerd 3: Guys, he's really sick. [The pig collapses] Dean: [outside] Hell-oo...that sounds like a pig fainting! -- Good ear on you, "Homer Goes to College" % Fortunately, the pig's OK. Homer, the Dean, and the nerds watch as % the pig is airlifted to safety, tied into a harness under a % helicopter. Dean: I'm sorry, boys, I've -- I've never expelled anyone before, but...that pig had some powerful friends. Nixon: [bitterly] Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay! -- They are not a crook, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer is apologetic as the gates of Sprigfield College slam closed, % leaving the nerds out on the street with their suitcases. Homer: Guys, believe me, I didn't mean to get you expelled. Nerd 3: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Simpson, we can take care of ourselves. [Snake appears, holding out his hand] Snake: Uh, wallet inspector. Nerd 1: Oh, here ya go. [All three give him their wallets] I believe that's all in order. Snake: Huh ho! I can't _believe_ that worked. Homer: [realization dawning] Heyy...that's not the wallet inspector! -- Coulda been, though, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer places a worried hand to his lips, wondering what he's done. % % [End of Act Two. Time: 15:59] % % Homer decides the only recourse is to let them stay at the Simpson % house. Marge doesn't look too happy about it, but Homer pleads their % case. Homer: Marge! They don't have anywhere to stay. And they're geniuses. they'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth! Nerd 3: Mr. Simpson? We all have nosebleeds. -- Genii non-savants, "Homer Goes to College" % The nerds sit at their computer terminals once again, only this time, % they've set them up in the Simpson's living room. Marge idly watches % them, then remembers a phone call she has to make. She lifts the % handset. Marge: [hearing modem noises] Ooh, what's wrong with this phone? it's making crazy noises. Nerd 2: [contemptuously] Those "crazy noises" are computer signals. Nerd 3: Yeah. Some guys at MIT are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk. Nerd 1: Hah! They're outta their minds. -- The Great Debate continues, "Homer Goes to College" % Bart and Lisa, meanwhile, are watching the Krusty the Klown Show. it's % time for an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "Burning Down the Mouse". % Lisa says she's heard about it already: "This is the one where % Scratchy finally gets Itchy!" Bart is suitably impressed. % % Itchy is tied to a stake, and he looks glum. Scratchy rubs his hands % in delight, then reaches for a crate next to him. He puts sticks of % dynamite under the mouse's eyelids and in his ears. He fashions a % Lincolnian hat and beard out of plastic explosive and slaps them % rudely on Itchy, attaching grenades to his ears as crude parodies of % earrings. Itchy stares up in horror as a shadow looms over his face: % Scratchy is turning a wheel, adjusting the angle of two atomic bombs % so that their sharpened tips point directly at Itchy's eyes. Crates % of TNT are stacked around the atomic bombs. Lighting the fuses on all % the dynamite, he hails a taxi, and leaves. % % Slowly, the fuse burns down. Itchy tries in vain to escape, his legs % struggling. Bart and Lisa watch, transfixed. "My purpose in life is % to witness this moment," says Bart, grasping Lisa's hand. We see a % close-up of Itchy's sweaty face as the inevitable draws inexorably % closer. The fuse burns all the way down, and -- % % Suddenly the TV screen goes blank. Bart and Lisa scream, horrified. % One of the nerds rises from behind the TV, holding a plug in each % hand. "We need the outlet for our rock tumbler," he explains. "Plug % it in, Plug it in!" the two cry frantically. "What, the rock tumbler % or the TV?" "The TV, the TV!" The nerd makes it so. % % But it is too late. A mushroom cloud is all that's left on the TV, % with "THE END" written in red superimposed on it. The children in % Krusty's audience cheer wildly. "Wow!" exclaims Krusty, "They'll % never let us show that again, not in a million years!" Bart and Lisa % are aghast. Bart: [sharpening knives] Dad, start diggin' some nerd holes! Lisa: [plaintively] It's bad enough that they put their retainers in the dishwasher; can't we do something? Homer: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony, right, Marge? Marge: No, I want those geeks outta my house! -- Who can argue with that?, "Homer Goes to College" % The only recourse is to get the nerds back into college, thinks Homer, % with a zany scheme of some sort. The nerds aren't sure about the % "zany" idea, but Homer ignores them: "I got it! We're gonna fix it so % you guys save the Dean's life!" % % In the next scene, Homer is behind the wheel, driving with a % determined look on his face. He checks his watch, seeing "4:59", and % says, "Perfect." He fishtails around the corner. % % The Dean is just leaving, closing the door on his way out. He % whistles as he strolls down the path to the parking lot. The nerds % are hiding behind a nearby bush. Nerd 2: OK, guys: push him out of the way in exactly three seconds. Nerd 1: Should we correct for wind resistance? Nerd 3: Hmm, possibly. What do _you_ think? [Homer hits the Dean with his car, and the Dean goes flying] Nerd 1: Oh, my. -- I hope he's insured, "Homer Goes to College" % In the Springfield General Hospital, Homer and the nerds stand beside % the Dean's bed. Homer apologizes for the "running-you-over prank", % and he admits that all the other pranks were his idea too. "I'm the % one who should be expelled." The Dean is touched by Homer's honesty, % and he wonders if perhaps he's been a bit of an ogre himself. "Yes % you have," Homer confirms quietly. % % The Dean magnanimously offers to readmit the nerds and to forget that % the whole silly incident ever happened. Just then, Dr. Hibbert walks % in with the Dean's prosthetic replacement hip. It breaks in his % hands, so the Doctor jovially informs him he'll have to go easy on it. % % The nerds move back into room 222, and check their answering machine. % "Number of messages received: zero," it says, and the three sigh with % relief. They thank Homer for getting them back into college, and he % says, "The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends." % % But Homer has forgotten why he was at college in the first place: "So, % in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam," says the % Nuclear Physics 101 lecturer. "Exam?! This is just like one of those % bad dreams," Homer says from his seat in the back row; he then glances % down, noticing he's wearing only his underwear. Nerd 2: What are you going to do, Mr. Simpson? Homer: Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out. Nerd 2: [determined] Or, with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before! Homer: Whatever. Either way is good. -- I'm not picky, "Homer Goes to College" % Homer goes to the library and takes out a wheelbarrow full of books. % The nerds tie his eyes open and hold a book in front of him. He falls % asleep while reading another book, and one of the nerds slaps him % lightly on the cheek to wake him. Reflexively, Homer drives his fist % into the nerd's unfortunate face, and falls back asleep. % % In the exam, Homer is one of the last to leave, but he hands in his % paper with a smile, clicking his heels joyously. The instructor % glances at his answers, and stamps a circled red "F" on his paper. % % The nerds are discontented with Homer's performance. Nerd 2: Oh, man, I can't believe you failed. Homer: [whining] Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified! Nerd 2: Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could -- well, use a computer to change your grade. Homer: [surprised] Computers can do that? Nerd 2: Well, yes...the only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires -- [Homer kisses one of the computers] Homer: Oh, I love -- moral whuzzah? -- You know, ethical crisis, "Homer Goes to College" Marge: An A+! How did you do it? Homer: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box. Marge: You changed your grade with a computer? Homer: D'oh! -- How'd she figure that out?, "Homer Goes to College" % Bart is impressed at Homer's ability, and Homer is quick to redirect % attention elsewhere. Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college. Nerd 2: No we didn't. Homer: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard. Lisa: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong. Homer: Hmm...true. -- The need for Debating 101, "Homer Goes to College" % Marge wants Homer to take the course over again so he can pass it % without cheating. Homer accuses her of being worse than the crusty % old Dean. But he sighs, accepting Marge's resolution. Homer: Well, I guess it's back to college for me. And that means it's time to -- what did I teach you guys? Nerds: [timidly] Par - ty - down? Homer: Yess! -- Woo hoo!, "Homer Goes to College" % [End of Act Three. Time: 21:23] % % "Louie, Louie" plays over the closing credits, as many scenes of % Homer's return to college flash by. =============================================================================== > Contributors =============================================================================== {rc} Ron Carter {ekf} E. K. Friedman {rk} Rick Kitchen {rl} Ricardo Lafaurie {bl} Bill Lapworth {er} Eric Rasmussen {bs} Barzilai Spinak {nt} Noel Taylor =============================================================================== This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry. Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)